Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
I spent a good chunk of time trying to get my head around difficult, overbearing people who, at first, seem to want nothing more than to help -- but who become impossible to deal with. I found a few articles on "pathological altruism" and am just so satisfied that someone gave it a name! According to what I've read, it's yet another co-dependent behavior. No surprise.
Argh, I don't want to be part of my mother's circle anymore. I'm tired of these exhausting interactions. I'm starting to feel downright ridiculous, continuing to engage. Guess that's a good thing.
Anyway, I'll put on my invisibility cloak, say all the right mantras, remember to breathe, and keep the boundaries up. Eventually, this will pass, and I'll have learned some very valuable skills.
Have a peaceful week everyone :)
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92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
I love it,' he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait..'
'That doesn't have anything to do with it,' he replied.
Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged .. it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
'It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice;
I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away.. Just for this time in my life..
The peace I feel at this very moment, I pray for everyday. How nice it would feel to have this peace more often. The stress hormone doesn't exist in this body today and I know how much healthier I would be without it. Hallelujah!!
May the Lord bless you and keep you. Hope everyone has had a stress free weekend as well.
Thanks for reading.
Emjo, hope your insurance issue is all squared away. Many times, it seems that the information in the letter is not the most updated, so you probably DID get it taken care of over the phone. Still, one can never rest until it's all resolved.
Kaz, hope you're getting used to a little calmness in your life! It can feel downright weird at first! And like Emjo said, it's never fun waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Anyway, hope everyone has a nice weekend. We're getting an incredible heat wave again, and I'll be so glad once fall weather decides to stick around!
Emjo- I hope you get everything worked out with the insurance. No matter what the dealing is, when you have to call to deal with things, it can take hours off your day It is hard enough dealing with things of our own, then to deal with someone else's , especially those who don't appreciate it, makes it worse.
Have a great weekend and SMILE!!
Kaz - glad you got your cat and the rest of your stuff. Good the social worker is involved. Hope you are recovering somewhat.
loo - it seems like there is continual pressure from one place or another -and if not then we wait for the other shoe to fall which it inevitably does - stress one way or another. Sorry you are not feeling well.
jewel - lies, deceptions, good that the staff have her number. If people listen to mother, they think I do nothing for her and ignore her. Most people find out the truth - all except my sis who prefers to believe mother. I would rather not have a sib, frankly.
judda - as cm says - forgive but that does not mean trusting her again. One definition of forgiveness is "giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me". Doesn't mean we don't protect ourselves.
I know about the seemingly endless phone calls taking care of business. Had a doozie today. Got a letter from mother's insurance company saying they were cancelling her insurance. Thought I had straightened it out last week. Called the toll free number - all lines down - got directed to voice mail which gave me the message that it was full, and sweetly said "Goodbye". Called the number I called last week - it was down and gave me the toll free number. Looked in the internet and found another number, called it, got a live body, eventually, who said I had sorted it out last week. I will check again before the end of this month as it is due for renewal then. I don't trust them.
Hopefully next week's meeting will go well and we will move mother soon and she will stay put for a while.
Take care all.
I like the nanny cam idea. I have had social workers involved before and they turned on me...it put me over the edge. This is when she first went way down hill last summer and I called the doctor and they called hospice. Social workers always come too with hospice. WEll, I thought calvary was coming and they almost threw me under the bus. I have told this story once, but it was a very tramitic experience for me. The social workers called the doctor and told them the same story I told about my mom not eating and wouldn't get out of bed, blah blah, but they told it in a way that I was doing this to her. That my mom was a fragile little old lady and I could make her eat and get up. WHAT!!??!! If the doctor and I didn't already have a relationship about my mom, it could have turned very bad. The doctor couldn't believe that they were in the home for 5 minutes and made their assumptions about me and what was going on. We asked for new nurses and social workers and viola--they saw a different picture. You have to be really careful who comes in the home and checks on things. Everyone makes their own opinion before hearing the whole story. That is what really worries me about my mom's lies, but now that she is in AL the workers and the director knows and it keeps it all good. Being in a public care facility is definitely what I recommend if it is possible.
LooLoo and jeweltone, if you get the social workers involved, they are independent witnesses to the abuse you take and the mess she makes. A nanny cam is a good idea too. Pictures and sound and HD color protect you from lies.
My mother's frantic, "almost in tears" (as she put it to me yesterday) neighbor has been emailing me all week, and I'm doing my absolute best to handle things, but being sick has made it extra difficult and stressful. It doesn't help one bit to get her constant comments such as "This can't go ON!!!" "What is GOING ON???" And so on. My adrenaline rushes every time I see her name, and I'm exhausted having to deal with her. Maybe, someday, I'll get things together in some way that she doesn't have to be involved anymore (please, God). I fantasize about no longer needing to be in contact with HER anymore either, not just my mother, lol. I daydream about FINALLY moving my mother into AL or memory care, or WHEREVER! And then NEVER having to speak to her neighbor again.
Anyway, I have gotten more stuff done for my mother today. About 3 hours' worth of time spent emailing, phoning, faxing, filing, bill-paying, gathering info, UPSing her magazines, etc., etc. In between my 'real job', of course....
Oh--I also really let a customer service rep have it today, and now I feel kind of guilty about that. I'm usually so good about not taking my frustration, fatigue, anger out on people. And to do it anonymously, to people just doing their jobs, makes it worse. Anyway...I just need a little time-out, I guess.
I dread visits, phone calls, anything to do with her. She stresses me out to no end with all her issues of self absorbed nonsense. LIke I said, I do agree with her to a point--but would never tell her because she expect more from me with it and it wouldn't be worth the more stress it would put me under. I do not want to be isolated from family just for her. She would love that--just me and her under a rock knowing we shut out the rest of the family and the world...how sick is that? VERY!! But truly, that is what she really wants--until she got it, then she would find something to complain about under the rock. If you have ever read the book, IF You Give a Mouse a Cookie, that is my mom. Give her and inch and she takes more than a mile.
Kaazzaa--I am glad things are smoothing out for you. When we hit rock bottom the only place to go is up. It may be a slow and hard climb, but when you get to the top, it will all be worth it. Your peace of mind is worth it. I know you still worry about your mom, that is normal with all of us. If we didn't care and didn't worry, we wouldn't be on here letting it all out. I just wish for each of us, it didn't consume our daily lives. I am also happy your cat is settling in too.
Hurray looloo: I feel the same way, round and round we go. I cannot reason with my mom either. That is it, she just cannot see what is really happening in front of her. It is only what SHE thinks is happening. She truly believes it. Even when I tell her I was there and heard the conversation, she still doesn't believe it. The brain and mind is a powerful thing and it will lie to us at any minute.
Moving on CM takes time and money so yes things wont be sorted quickly so once i got SS involved mum will be kept an eye on.
Also moving stuff out is not easy with no car im sure the neighbours are wondering whats going on? but my brother is making things harder by not letting me in everyday to get stuff so i have to take things when hes around? I should get everything out this wkend. Cat seems ok just sleeping and hiding alot!
I have no intention of resuming the regular phone calls. And if the calls from her escalate, become unproductive (going round and round and ROUND, trying to explain and reason over and over and OVER because what she's really doing is trying to start drama), or if she starts insulting me and my efforts in any way, then it's break time again.
Until? And then what, Kaazzaa? Seriously, concentrate on your own plans. If you sit around waiting for developments it'll stop you moving on. You've got your court case to sort, and the rest of your life to be getting on with. Don't look back.
To speak plainly, your mother's doctor is right. He cannot discuss your mother with you without her consent. There are rules, you know that. Stop asking him to breach confidentiality because you'll just set him completely against you.
Your mother's got a key worker and a whole bunch of other people to take responsibility for her welfare, which means your conscience is in the clear. God willing it'll all turn out for the best - but for now it's time to take care of yourself. Big hug, hope puss settles in x
I went into house today and took cat and some more belongings house was an absolute mess?? i mean really bad like it was years ago? mum will be furious now that ive taken cat and most of my stuff but i can tell by the house that shes already declining more.
HA brother was there with rubber gloves on washing dishes? well see how long that lasts but he avoids her personal hygiene etc so SS will have to see how shes living now!
I am ok just angry and sad that it came to this mums health is at stake because of siblings ignorance?
My cat is traumatised and was crying for about two hours which just breaks your heart BUT hes alseep now so i hope he will be alright? i will keep him in a few days here and hopefully he will know then that this is where he eats and sleeps now! they are pretty intelligent so fingers crossed.
This wkend i move everything else out then i walk away until something happens to mum and they all wake up?
Brother is not there tomorrow and thursday and wont let me go in when hes not there so i have to wait until friday i hate him and his bullying behaviour but he will soon regret his actions. Other brother in UK is distraught and feels helpless but is calling me everyday to see im ok he will write to mums doc and express his concerns and back me up.
I have lost all faith in docs regarding this and told receptionist that if anything happens to mum im holding him responsible.
Its not easy being a few houses away not knowing if shes safe im sure shes so lonely now but she had the best of care so theres nothing more i can do until things escalate.
Hugs and im praying for us all here! life will get better!
I don't trust my mom either. She as "lied" so many times that I get sucked in to what is real and what is not. At fist it was just little things and now those little things are becoming very big things. It is scary to be honest. She is starting to tell the weekday workers that she didn't get out of her room all weekend and when they ask her if I came she tells them no. I don't think that she don't remember--she does, I think she just wants pity. She then in turn tells me that they don't check on her and they leave her with no breakfast, lunch or dinner--just depends on which one she wants to tell me.Then she will always end with "you don't believe me, you think I am crazy" "you think they are wonderful, you just don't live here". The "lies" aren't just as simple as that either. They go deep sometimes, like yesterday. Telling me her sister was cheating her out of her mother's money and different things. She truly believes these things and it is really scary. My mom also thinks I am just being hateful to her when I do tell her how hateful she gets and what hurtful things she says--I think she just really thinks I deserve it. With all that said, I still forgive for my own self and not hers. She, along with your mother, will have to face that one day and I know my conscience is clear. Good luck with letting go and setting more boundaries.
I ask myself over and over, "Can I forgive her yet?"
No contact is better, don't feel a bit guilty for it! That is something I hope for one day. I am really building up the courage. Once I can help get my grandmother's estate handled, get all my mom's finances in order, and I have no other obligations with her; I plan on less and less contact too. This constant negativity is wearing a big hole in my soul. I feel it deepening everyday. I can only let it harm me if I continue to deal with it and I don't plan on it for very long. It could be another year, but I have promised myself it won't be longer than that. It is funny how we can finally decide not to deal with something we shouldn't be dealing with. Hallelujah! With each visit and each saga, I realize it will be a very long and lonely road if I keep this up, but I don't plan on staying on her lonely, miserable road. She already thinks I don't care and I don't do enough, so I will show her what that really looks like.--eventually. I pray for the strength to go through with it. The other day I almost took her checkbook to her and almost ripped the POA up right in front of her--I wanted to. I have thought many times that I would tell her I am done, get someone else, and walk away. I think about how good that would feel, then I remember that right now I am all she has. My conscience just won't let me at this moment. You have finally made that decision, so go with it. It is kind of like when you are about to pull out in front of someone, you can't think about it you have to just put the pedal to the metal and GO!
My mother also made a typically negative, "gotta get the last word in" comment on the phone today. I don't have any recollection what it was, but yes, it annoyed me in the moment, and reminded me that minimal contact is for the best. It was a relief though, to realize that, at least for that brief time, she was civil and pleasant to me. If this continues, and there's no need for permanent "no contact", I might be ok.
CM: I am learning to do just that, everything is fine, everything will work out, on and on with my mom.--then she always says, "you don't care". Ouch! Turn the knife after you put it in. In a way though, I don't really care, I am sick to death of hearing it. HA! My husband doesnt really ever know what to say to me, so I usually don't tell him much, but tonight I had to get some things out when he asked. I told him it was much easier when she was in hospice and not well. It was draining, but much easier because the attitude wasn't so demanding and blaming. I told him that I wish she were still sick and not so much herself again--I then asked "is that bad of me?" He said, "no, it is not, but please know you did the right thing. You did what you were supposed to do by helping her get better and the rest will fall into place"...Just what I needed to hear from him. I know I couldn't just let her die, that would be wrong, but what was the pay off? I am sure it will come.
I am also glad you have a sister that can visit your mom and help relieve some of the stress.
Oh brother, Jewel, what a day! You must be shattered. A couple of mantras to try, maybe: "try not worry about it, dearest Mama" and "it's under control." Repeat until tired of it. It's incredibly wearing for you (and probably for the staff, too, though I expect they do have worse offenders on their hands if that's any comfort!), but apart from personality issues don't forget that as concentration and hearing abilities go our darling Little Old Ladies do have genuine difficulty keeping track of what's going on. Don't know what to make of the radiologist, all you can say for certain is they thought something was worth taking a closer look at. Hope it turns out to be nothing to worry about - the odds are good.
My sister reported back to me that mother 'seemed to be in a good mood' during her visit today. She - sister, that is - sounded deeply suspicious about this - not that I blame her, I just find it funny. "Who are you and what have you done with my mother?"
Well--guess what? The spell has been broken, lol. I spoke to my mother a little while ago on the phone. It was fine. No drama, just the usual confusion, and I'll need to make a few phone calls of my own to make sure I know what's going on on Planet Betty, haha.
In other posts, I had mentioned how her gardeners weren't great, and how her neighbor had been ranting about them a lot recently. A few days ago, she emailed me with the name of another gardener, and I lined him up to begin taking over. I asked him to please just communicate with me, but he spoke to my mother too this morning. No harm done this time, it's just that my mother then starts doing other things--like she said she cancelled her doctor appt for tomorrow, so she could tell the other gardeners not to come anymore. Deep sigh from me.
So--now I need to verify w/the doctor's office that she actually DID cancel her appt. if she did, I'll reschedule for another time (I don't want to put her appt right back on for tomorrow, since it will probably stress her out and confuse her more).
Then, I need to contact her home care person and update her.
Then, I'll need to leave a message with her soon-to-be-former gardeners, letting them go.
I've already spoken to her new gardener, and he'll be doing one major cleanup this Saturday, and will do regular weekly maintenance starting next Monday. So I'll let her neighbor and caregiver know that.
As Ricky Ricardo on I Love Lucy would say, "AY YAY YAY!!!"
Here is where I had to make a break for the door. While we were eating, in her room of course, can't go to the dining room like normal people. She started talking about my grandmother's things and it got heated. She acts like we all have cheated her. She keeps telling me that she didn't get a chance to pick out what she wanted--she did and the answer was no every single time. Now she thinks everyone should be paying her for what they took "her part" of "her" mother's things. She cried and screamed about how unfair it all was and that everyone was so unfair to her. After about an hour of it, I had to leave. No one was being unfair to her, she just sees it that way like she has every other thing all her life. I cannot tell you how sick of all this I am. I am so READY for this torture to be over! I was so torn up by the time I left it has taken me another hour to calm down and write. This is where I tell you once again how much I appreciate you reading what I write. It helps more than I ever thought it could.
Question before I end?? During her ultrasound--which I hadn't had this happen before, the girl doing it went and got the radiologist. He then asked to get pics of other areas and they told us we would probably get the results later today. Does that mean anything? I have had this bad feeling, but then again, I know my mom is healthy as a horse except for her mind and attitude, she will live to be ripe like emjos mom...HA!
Some people just find it very hard to take a compliment, or to express pride - your mother sounds very similar to mine in that respect. It's a lifelong habit that they tend to pass on…
Good luck for today, hold tight x
The visit wasn't too good at first today, she was concerned about her appointment tomorrow, stressing out over what to wear, should she eat first, should she take her pills in the morning, how was she going to get in the car, put her shoes on, walk in the hospital, afraid they may keep her...the list goes on. I tried my hardest to let her know everything will be alright and I told her what we would do step by step. Do not eat or take pills in the morning, we will lay out your clothes today, I will pull the car up close, I will drop you off at the door--we will even get a wheel chair if you need it ( I don't need a wheel chair--well, then mom, quit acting like it), I went over step by step what we would do to make it easier. After about an hour, we got her hair washed, picked out clothes to wear and let me tell you--my mom lost so much weight over the past 3 years down to 79 pounds we had to do buy a whole new wardrobe..I put those clothes in the closet at the AL and oh my guess what? In march she had gained back to 105 pounds, now she can only fit in two pair of the pants and actually they were hers from before and two shirts that were hers before, she is back to her 135 pound self. She cried and said, now you know why I don't put my clothes on here...I said, no, you didn't put your clothes on even when these fit. So, now ladies, back to storage at some point and get in clothes boxes and take her some clothes and I guess a shopping trip (oh how this is no fun shopping for her) remember the woman doesn't like anything I pick out. Today she saw one of the other ladies and told me that her daughter shops for her all the time and I like that blouse she has on...I said, "well, maybe I will get her daughter to go shop for you"....hahahahaha...yes, I did. I didn't crack a smile and I got the evil eye from her. After washing hair, trying on clothes, washing off, putting pjs back on, she was worn out. She then started to cry "how will I make it tomorrow"...I look at her with such pity sometimes because my mom was always so strong and independent she would have never second guessed how she was going to do something. We eventually ventured up to the patio and there were about 4 other ladies (yay) because I didn't have to sit there with her by myself. One of the ladies kept telling my mom how beautiful I was (I was embarrassed to say the least) over and over she kept saying it...finally my mom looks at her and said, "yea, she is a good girl"...I just about fell out of my chair, my mom bragged on me for a moment. --then she said, "I used to be young once, but look at me now"...oh my, back to me me me.She never did like when someone bragged on me and not her. I went to school with the director and she was filling in with someone today and she was there when this conversation was taking place, she said, She is a good girl and a good daughter, she comes every week and takes care of her mom..." chalk one up for me today--IN FRONT OF MY MOM! Listen to me, I sound like her...me me me...she is rubbing off.
Thanks to all of you for thinking of me today, my daughter texted me soon as I pulled in to see my mom (she is away at college) she said, positive thoughts and when you leave, leave the negative energy behind. I could feel all of you shielding me today. It worked. God, my daughter, and all of you!!! Keep shielding me through tomorrow!! Good night and only positive thoughts.