Is it normal she's so negative?

Jewel, with a person like your mom, what she may be seeking is validation of her feelings, not action,not reasons. This can be hard to do. My mother complained endlessly about the waist affordable and the green beans. What worked was "yes mom, you sure are right. They don't know about cooking green beans here". Yes mom, the wait staff here is terrible. They don't train them.

Jewel, therapy?

It is Sunday, peeps! Let me tell you, another Sunday from h**l. I haven't been in two weeks to visit because of the weather. Yes, I did go and take groceries and check in on her last Friday, then more snow fell. Today, I knew I HAD to go. After talking to her on the phone this past week I figured it wouldn't be good, but my duty was calling. I went to the grocery and got what she asked for and stopped and got us a sandwich.--She even asked for it, so I thought "this could be good". Soon as I sat down to eat with her she started her normal complaining about the staff, the food, and the place. I just listened. I have realized sometimes her comments don't deserve a comment back. Since she became dizzy, she hasn't been out of her room. I encouraged her we go for a walk and go sit in one of the common living areas. She cried and told me I just didn't understand that her legs didn't work. I told her if she didn't use them then they would get worse. (she is weaker than she used to be) She decided she would try it. We made it to the second floor living area and I bragged on her and she of course, came up with a negative.--(that's ok). So after a few minutes of sitting there, I noticed a checker board and asked her to play--NO of course. I suggested we turn on the tv and watch a Lifetime movie, No, of course. Then the conversation got started. She started complaining about the food and a pizza that had been ordered out. On Fridays they have started ordering them a personal pan pizza.--which she liked. She said, "I only got pepperoni this time, why do you think they didn't ask what I wanted?" So, I replied, maybe since the orders were not correct each time, maybe they decided to order everyone the same, or maybe they had a special on pepperoni." BOOM!! she went off like a bomb. In a loud voice--"why do you always take up for them, you never have anything negative to say about this place, you always take up for them!!" She went on and on. You just sit there and don't say a word. So I said, I do listen and I called the director and told them that they needed to check on you more and now you say they come too much. I explained to her that I cannot make it a perfect world for her. That I have tried and failed. I really tried to make it about me and not her. That wasn't working. She then said, "well that explains why they are not nice to me because you called"...--no, that's not the reason and they are nice to her--they bend over backwards for her evil self. so, all of a sudden she gets up and walks toward the hallway and says, "go home and stay home" I said, I will!! I walked right passed her leaving her on the second floor, went to her room and got my things and LEFT the building. I am really thinking hard about not going back. The sad part of all this, she thinks she is the one mistreated. Boy does she have a lot to learn. I truly have tried everything. I have given it my all and my all just isn't good enough. It never will be either. I am just broken and cannot go on taking this from her. I have told her and told her and she isn't listening. Her behavior is NOT acceptable. I keep wondering what my role is in all this, but I cannot find an answer. I get anxious about how to go about things and how to stop doing for her. She is safe in AL and fed. I do worry that she will try to do something for them to ask her to leave. I do not want that burden of what to do with her then. I am running out of words... HA! Best to all!!

Hi everyone--one little note can bring it all back, can't it? All the progress we make trying to get mother out of our heads and one little familiar button pushed sets us back, BUT hopefully only for a short time. I find I get a huge anxiety-ridden gut reaction but if I try to let it go, and do some other things that are normal or good for me, after a few hours or so, it has diminished. Glad to get updates for you Jewel and Looloo! I am trying to survive my stressful job and helping my mom and everything else until I retire in just four months. I hope I make it! Love to all--

Myhe=what did I type?? I think I meant to type "then"!

Sounds like you're getting a much needed break, Jewel-that's great!
Well, I took care of my mother's income taxes last Monday, which is always a big thing to cross off my list. I am going on week 3 of trying to get the appointments for my mother (another MRI and a consult with a spine surgeon). I cannot believe how much the process was bungled, but as of Friday afternoon, the problems are slowly getting worked out. Tomorrow I will have to follow up again and make sure the imaging office has all the paperwork. Myhe. I can schedule the MRI, which the spine surgeon needs before he is able to do his consult--which everyone neglected to tell me!! I had no idea I needed to schedule the MRI first. Still, it was as good a place as any to wrap up the struggle for the weekend, and begin again on Monday. I looked forward to having no choice but to put it all on hold for 2 days.
Yesterday, looking through the mail, there's a letter from my mother. All I could think was, "What NOW???" It was a note stating that she was concerned because she hadn't received any tax stuff (because I've been handling her mail for a year and a half now). She wondered if I knew anything about that--perhaps I had gotten involved "because you're so good at that sort of thing." That's NOT a compliment. That's SNARK. Anyway, the motives behind the note depressed and angered me. She's trying to prove that she's still "with it" (remembering that this time of year is tax time), and she's trying to provoke a confrontation with me by implying/accusing me of overstepping. I tore up the note and threw it out, and will not respond. I don't need any reminders of how difficult it will be to deal with her in person when we finally do get those appointments, and after spending a lot of work on HER the last several weeks, I was craving a "mother-free" weekend. I had been feeling relatively brave about having contact with her, but that d*mn note really upset me.

As I stated, snowed in for a week, not kidding. We do not have school tomorrow either. Six days of no school plus the weekend. I am NOT complaining. I am a home girl. I love to be home. Wish I could go back to the days I was a stay at home mom. Unfortunately the kids grow up and I must face the work force again. I have to say I have also enjoyed NOT going to my mom's. I have milked this snow for all it's worth. It is Sunday, people, and I did not go and I did not call. I am not going to explain myself to her. I decided I would stay home and not call to explain. How sweet it is not to be around her. Her negativity sucks the life out of me. I am so much happier. Knowing she is just around the corner does bother me, but I have a choice and I choose NOT to go. I will have to go this week sometime, and it may not be until next Sunday and I am A OKAY with that. Will she like it? Will this suit her? The answer is NO! This is my life, not hers. She chose to live her life the way she wanted and it is my turn. I have been trained by her and it is not easy undoing years of "do it this way--my way"... Friday my husband helped me get to the grocery and I took her some things too. We didn't stay long, just enough time to take her goodies and visit for about 10 minutes. She was pleasant and grateful for her goodies since I hadn't been there in two weeks. I checked her pills and yay, she has enough for two more weeks. I am looking forward to summer. Hopefully I can keep this up and enjoy my summer at home and I hope to be able to take a vacation this year. It has been three years since my family has been able to go anywhere.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Now that I am snowed in for a while, I thought I would get in touch with everyone. We have had so much snow this week. School is out and this is when I am glad I have a teaching certificate. :-) I have been able to catch up on laundry and just catch some "me" time.

As I have written, my mom had her dizzy spell for a couple of weeks. The doctor finally came to see her and she had an ear infection--(a bad one) and a perforated ear drum.--doctor thinks she went too deep with a q-tip. After some ear drops, she is feeling better--no dizziness. She is still the same ole mean mom, but no dizzy spell. I have called her everyday to check on her and been to her apartment at AL 4 or 5 times in the past two weeks. I called her last Thursday and boy did she have some things to say to me. She acted like I hadn't even been to see her or call her--don't get me wrong--she remembers me coming and calling, she just had something to say about it. She started telling me that I only come to bring her medicine and to check to see if she is alive. I told her if I was only bringing medicine that I would only come once a month or I would have the pharmacy deliver. The conversation went on and got uglier. I started telling her she was being unfair and she told me it was fair that it was just the truth. She went on of course to tell me I took her there (AL) and dropped her off and had no intentions to get her out of there. She went on to say that she wanted a house and I won't let her get one and she can take care of herself, blah, blah...--she showed me how she takes care of herself. I went on to explain that i was worried about her and she is safe where she is. I stayed calm and tried to sound very caring. Nothing was working. The kicker was when she said, "this will come back to haunt you, it will"...I said, "that is not nice", she said, "it's is nice, this will haunt you one day", the way you treat me will haunt you" I kept telling her I was getting off the phone and she kept saying it over and over. So, I said, "bye, mom" and I hung up. It will haunt me? What will haunt me? She thinks I am so terrible to her and I truly bend over backwards for her and always have. Maybe I have learned not to bend over as far as I used to for my own sake. She has ALWAYS been this way to me. Sometimes I feel she really never liked me, but I have still done what she said.--I was just trained well. Ha! She haunts me everyday as it is. This will not haunt me when she is gone, because I know I have done everything a person can possibly do to help her. She just will never see it. It is a shame that someone is so miserable in their own life that they cannot see what is right in front of them.
So Sunday normally is my visit day--which she also reminded me that I only come on Sundays--I freaking work during the week. After listening to her on Thursday and the things that she said to me--I didn't list everything, I decided I wasn't going on Sunday. I called her and told her I wouldn't be much company and I wouldn't be there. She was silent!! She said, well, you aren't coming? I said no, I will come this week after work. I also knew we were getting a big snow and needed to go to the grocery since we wouldn't have school.--remember I still have a child at home while trying to take care of my mother. So, I stuck to my guns and didn't go! I went to the grocery and did for my family that appreciates what I do. I hadn't talked to her since Sunday so I decided to call today. I took a deep breath, said a little prayer and dialed her number. Her pitiful voice, "hello". I said, we are snowed in, it's a blizzard. Her reply was, "uh huh". I tried to talk to her and she sat there in silence. I said, "I called to check on you", she said, "ok,...click" GRRR. She is so ungrateful. She is mad because I haven't weathered the storm and been to see her. She is thinking--that everyone has been able to make it to work, blah, blah. That is their job! They are not there just for her. I do not want to be around her. Who in the world in their right mind would enjoy taking that non sense from someone, especially from their mother--whom is supposed to be a support system. She should be telling me not to get out in this weather. She is so selfish and self centered that she only thinks about how I should be doing more for her.

I have to remind myself when she complains about being cooped up in her room, that is her choice. when she complains that she doesn't eat, that is her choice. She chooses to not participate in activities, it is her choice to be mad all the time.--not mine. I try to give her solutions and she finds something negative with my answer...so I just tell her I don't have the solution. Even if I did, she wouldn't try it. Why do I still blame myself? Maybe she is still in my head more than I would like. I really have done SO much better. I don't spend my days worrying and stressing over her and her words anymore. I still have to lie to her about certain things--funny how she gets more mad at the truth, but I am so much happier knowing I can let go and let the staff take care of her. The more she complains and says ugly things to me, the less I will go. I feel good about my decision. She is safe, warm, and fed. The staff does everything they can to make her comfortable and I couldn't ask for more. Sadly, though, they are learning her habits of being hateful. She is starting to show herself to the staff now. She gets mad at them if they don't come on time--her time, or if they don't come enough, or if they come too much. They are learning how hard it is to please her and they have told me they cannot imaging what it would be like to have a mother like that. They stay very calm with her and do what she asks. I did for 45 years and now I am learning I do not have to. Thank you for listening and I hope for each of you to find some sort of peace. I am still looking for the peace--only when she is gone, but I have found some relief for now and I am enjoying it. Love to all!!

Awww, darnit Jewel :).
No real update here today. I called my mother insurance to see if that STAT referral was in process yet. No, it's not. I'm not annoyed, just antsy. It's not easy being in limbo. There's a lot of coordination I'll need to figure out w/my work, home responsibilities, my p/t job, and so on, so the earliest I can get information, the better. Should be hearing something by the end of the day, or Monday at the latest.
My mention of dog boarding has to do with my mother's dog, btw. I'll be down in her area to handle her personal care only, and won't be running myself back and forth to feed and let her dog out too. I'm not cold hearted re-dogs, believe me. I'm a total dog lover. Just being practical...
Hope everyone has a restful weekend -- most of you have cold winter weather still, I think? It sounds like a lot of you are looking forward to spring, so hope you all have a lovely few days of sunshine, anyway :)

I typed a whole message here and it didn't even save...bummer. :-(

Hi Jeweltone, you're doing great. Your mom is just a piece of work, and of course she'll still get to you. You're getting better and better and letting it go.
Well, here's the latest from my world: Still aiming and firing (like I'm playing Centipedes!! haha) at the crap "charities" that manage to call my mother and weasel donations out of her. I cut down on a bunch of them, but every few weeks, another one will crawl through like a bug and then I'm off on a rampage again, calling phone numbers and raising h--l.
She had her EEG a few weeks ago, and her MRI a little over one week ago. Her neuro is very nice; he spoke to me about the results on Tuesday. Turns out, he was alarmed over the pressure on her C2 and C3 vertebrae due to severe spinal stenosis. I knew she had this condition, but he said it was so bad that it could cause paralysis, maybe from her neck down. He wanted to see her asap for another MRI on just that location, so she had it this morning (caregiver took her). I asked that the results be faxed to me, and after the usual oops-they're-dialing-my-cell-phone-not-the-fax-line! moments, I got the paperwork.
He has requested a STAT referral to a neurosurgeon or spine surgeon for her. And she has to wear a soft neck collar, which I doubt she'll do, but you never know.
She has pretty decent health insurance, but if you live in the States, you know that it takes a lot of "advocating" as they say (you gotta be pushy and a nuisance to get things done). So I'm not sure what STAT will really look like, but at the age of 84, and generally non-compliant, I'm not worried. Que será será.
I did however, immediately get the names/numbers of a few dog boarding places near her, just in case she does have to have surgery. I'm not optimistic about any kind of true rehab/recovery, so a part of me is thinking (hoping) that this could be the catalyst to moving her to a care facility.
However this turns out, I'm doing my best :)

You hit the nail on the head judda...I cannot get a word in, but I did tell her I was sorry she felt upset and they were going to fix it and I started walking toward the door. I told her I would check on her later. She kept rambling and telling me I didn't care and that I didn't get upset about anything.--huh, little does she know.. Ha!

It is a tough act! I am going through the motions. She also wants me to call the doctor, but they aren't going to do anything about this dizziness. It can last up to two weeks. I have vertigo that hits and stays anywhere from a day to 5 days. Funny thing is, when my mom was "well" she would never go to the doctor. She never got sick and that's the truth. Now, everything is wrong.

I too feel sorry for her suffering and wish she didn't have to go through this, but my mom's attitude is just magnified of what she really is. This is the true her only exaggerated. I just see the real her only in more rare form.

Judda, if you act like my mom, stop it right now...ha ha. Positive thoughts.

Hi Jeweltone. Sounds like you were in great control until she needled you to be as mad as she was and then she triggered that past junk. Next time you could try leaving the room when you hear that tone of voice coming on. You could start with,
"I hear that you were scared and you were afraid of no one being there for you." Well if she is like my mom, you couldn't get even one word in, right? Then I would collect myself and say, "I don't need to listen to this. I'll talk to you when you calm down." Do something that shows that you care for her, you hear her concerns and that you have NO tolerance of her putting you down or of her stealing your peace.
It might be verbal, or body language, or just leave. "sorry you feel that way." and then split. Change the dynamic between you and her.

My mother has been tons better to me. She still tries to throw her darts but I don't give them any power. I change the subject. "So how is...." "have you heard from" anything different.

Does she have anyone that visits her like a Visiting Angel or companion or something like that?

My mother's health has a definite direct response to the people around her. The lonelier she is, the worse she feels. A little company distracts her totally from her fear of death, etc.

I wish I were better at working with someone in a nice way, but who were my models? I am fine with individuals but if feel ripped off by a company I become a little like your mother I bet! ;)

The more we let go, the more peace we can feel in the moment. Sometimes I just give my mother a hug in between her rants. I don't expect her to hug back. She never does actually.

It's a tough act for us, isn't it? But we are growing and learning to be better people and that's the whole lesson I am guessing.

Just keep trying to do something different with your Mom and be consistent. She might even try to be different herself. I do feel sorry for their suffering though. I hope we do better in their shoes.

I wondered how long it would last before I couldn't take it anymore!?! I have not caved in on her nonsense, but I do need to share a complaint...

I have done so much better just taking each day as it comes. I have visited and left "her" problems with her. It sometimes takes me a few hours to wind down after a visit, but the rest of the week goes fairly smooth now. Like I stated before, my house has stayed in order and I am more pleasant to be around myself. Here goes.... I called her on Friday, Jan. 29, she complained she woke up dizzy and almost fell several times. I told her to rest and I would call on Saturday to check on her. Called Saturday and she was still dizzy. Sunday, being visit day, I called and she was still dizzy. I took her some meclizine I had hoping it would help her. I only stayed 15 min and got to go home...how sweet it was...I got to go home!! At 5:40 p.m. she called me and asked me if I had told the staff NOT to take her dinner order.. first off, why would I do that?, I told her that actually I did just the opposite, I told them to make sure they checked on her more because I gave her the meclizine and with her being dizzy, I didn't want her to fall. She told me they never came in after I left at 2. So this was almost 4 hours. My thought on this is that she went to sleep and didn't know they came in. She cried and asked me to talk to the director because this happens a lot on the weekends.--she really likes the daytime/week staff and I will admit the weekend staff is young (meaning 20's young) and they don't take as much time with the staff. I told her I would call the director. Of course she had HER way of wanting me to handle it. I did feel somewhat sorry for her, I will say. On Monday, I called the director and she stated she was expecting my call because my mom had told the daytime staff about what happened. In the meantime the director checked the cameras that are in my mom's hallway and between 2:20 and 6 p.m. the staff went in 2 times.--So that tells me I was right, she was asleep.--she insisted she did not go to sleep. So I told the director to just make sure they were checking on her and that she knew it. I went to the AL on Monday and checked on my mom and took her more medicine since she didn't feel better. She asked if I had talked to the director and I told her. Well, she wanted to know the whole dang conversation. I cannot recall every single word, but that is what she wants. She said, did she not apologize, yes, mom, she did, what else did she say...went on and on. Nothing I told her pleased her. She said, "You just don't care, You don't say anything to them, You just let them treat me however"....OH, did I get mad. I asked her, "mom, what do you want me to do? I called her and she said she would take care of it?, Do you want me to go get those girls by the hair of their head and bring them up here and shake them and tell them to do better???!! Is that what you want??? She said, well, that's better than how you handle it! You just say, it's ok. You just don't say anything. YOU YOU YOU!!! thats how she has always talked to me. Always pointing fingers at me, it is never enough for her. I am really tired of doing her dirty work. She is just mean to people and I am not. I know how to talk to someone and get what I want. I don't do like her and demand things. She just DEMANDS everything at the expense of others' feelings.

Ok, vent over!!!.... I decided after all that, I didn't really care about how she feels. She is just mean, hateful, and inconsiderate and I don't want to be like that.

Hi Jewel, so good to hear from you! Glad things are better for you. And the daughter who was visiting her mother -- she sounds like an absolute angel! I would have run over and hugged her, lol! And funny that your mother tolerate her comments, but that happens sometimes, and I don't understand it at all. My mother can't tolerate any criticism, teasing, inquiry about her decisions from ANYone -- BUT, my husband would deliberately provoke her sometimes (he's kind of a wise-ass, haha), and for him, she would make an exception. I guess he was as close to a Golden Child as she would allow.
Maybe I wish I could be more in control than I am, because I'm sorry to say that this lady who visited my mother yesterday--she really threw me off ALL day long. Did anything bad happen? Not at all, not that I can tell. No calls from the agency or her caregiver, no emails. No negative consequences whatsoever, so that's a relief. I just spent the entire day, and during the night too, remembering my impressions of this person over the years, and her relationship with my mother. I have sympathy for her because she's endured a lot of tragedy in her life, and I admire her for making so much of her life (she's active, involved, even with a heart condition she's very much 'in the world and of the world', to quote a line from the movie "Sabrina"), but she's also demonstrated a real pretentious, snarky streak, directed at me sometimes, for no reason that I can figure out. So I took her lack of communication with me personally. I've been starting to take even low-level inconsideration of others very personally, which is good and bad. Good, because I'm finally developing some self esteem and some standards, lol! And bad, because we never have the full story and why take things personally when we can choose not to--it makes for a lot more peace of mind to cut people some slack whenever possible.
Sorry, this post is really getting long! I appreciate the periods when I'm just cruising along, taking care of business for my mother -- but when even the smallest incidents pop up, I realize what a tense place I'm in. I was in a funk yesterday, second guessing myself all over the place, imagining conversations where I'm trying to convince everyone that I'm doing the right thing, I'm making smart and sound decisions, I'm being very caring and considerate, and everyone agrees, haha. And everyone knows exactly the person my mother is, which I need to realize probably won't happen. And I need to get over that.

Hello long lost pals. I have been trying very hard to not think about things as much. I should have been sharing, but starting back to work after the holidays has taken me some time to get used to. I am trying not to stress out over my mom as much. You ask, "how are you doing this"? It is not easy, but I try to forget her during the day--do tell, I know that sounds terrible?!? It has helped me to go through the day at work and pretend. After work, though, I do think--maybe I should call her--nope! I don't call as often either. Once a week is all she gets now. I have still been going on Sundays unless I can find an excuse and then go the next day that I "want"to. When I talk to her or when I go visit, she still complains that I don't come enough, call enough, stay long enough, blah blah; but I am putting it out of my mind when I leave. She may be right, but I like it this way much better. I have also been praying a lot and raising my worries up and asking God to take them.--and meaning it... Ladies and gentlemen, I was a nervous wreck, almost to the point of becoming ill.--no joking matter. I was having terrible headaches, a nervousness that I cannot explain, and bouts of just being plain sick. My daughter and my husband talked with me and told me something had to be done. I needed to make a change. I so agreed and I feel so much better. The past two weeks have been so peaceful.--I think about her often and wish better for her, but I am not letting it control me. She still shoots daggers at me through her eyes, her words still cut deep, and her nagging plus her negativity bring me down; but a day or two later, I am back on my feet and enjoying my life a bit better. This is a slow, painful process; but it is coming along. There are somethings getting ready to come up about my grandmother's estate that I dread, but I keep telling myself that it will pass in a month or two and then I will not worry about it. As I have said before, she makes us feel like we have done her wrong and cheated her--only because she wasn't able to be in the process of the changes. My guilt eats at me for doing the right thing, I couldn't imagine what it would do to me if I really did something wrong. I would kill over probably...all jokes aside, I can breathe easy and know that I have done it all the "right" way, even though she doesn't think so.

I will tell you something funny...my mom wanted to visit a lady that had been in the hospital. She had made it back home to the AL. Her daughter was in visiting with her from another state. My mom did her natural complaining episode--"I don't like it here, the food is awful, I wish I could leave here, etc"...the daughter asked my mom, "if you were at home, what would you be doing", my mom couldn't answer. Then when my mom went on about how she never gets out of her room the daughter said, "Well, that is your choice"...and laughed. Oh mercy, I could have crawled under the table. My mom looked at me, then back at her and said, "I guess you're right" with a smart alec grin. I loved it inside, because I don't really have the nerve to say it to her..Then she asked my mom how many children she had, my mom pointed at me and said she is it. The daughter said, "So, she is the only one that gets all the grief"...oh boy, my mom once again looked at me and laughed a nervous laugh and said, "I don't think I give her grief, do I?" I just smiled and didn't say a word..After we left, my mom, of course had nothing good to say about the daughter. I wish I could say those things to her, but I sit and take her complaining instead of saying--your choice!

I will not let her steal my joy. This week anyway.. Ha!

Njny: I am SO glad you got someone to help out. Keep it up even after you retire--you will NOT regret it. You may even want to use them more....and yes, I agree about the strange lady at the door. The agency should have called. No sense for rude. I too revert back to the childlike behavior around my mom. When she is upset, I get upset. This is aiming to please them once again. Shame on them and shame on us for letting it happen. I read a little something the other day that made me say hmmm-- Do you ever wonder why someone keeps doing the same thing over and over to you? Then we must ask ourselves, why do we keep letting it happen?--that was a huge aha moment for me.
You are on the right track, just don't derail. Hang in there and know you are doing everything right for your mom.--even though she will NEVER agree. She doesn't have to give you permission to be happy.

Looloo: I too have missed the posts...I have been trying to take a small break and not think about things so much. It is helping, but I do miss writing about it. Sometimes, I also think I am being too negative myself and I do not want to drag anyone else down with me nor do I want pity. It feels good to get back on and reconnect with everyone and write my thoughts. People are rude, looloo, they do what they want, when they want. They didn't grow up with mothers like ours to put our lives in perspective for us. Maybe I wish I were a bit more like that, do what I want, when I want with no permission from anyone else. This lady may or may not realize how this situation has turned. She may not realize that your mom is at her worse. She will after the visit--hopefully. Do not worry if your mom says nasty things about you or her think you do nothing. No need to fix any messes or confusion that your mom brings about. This is why we are all so nervous and anxious.--all our lives we have had to clean up what they messed up. Let's stop it now. No one but us knows what a mess they have made because on the outside it all looks good. Hang in there and know you too are doing the right things by your mom!

Let's make a pact to not let them steal our joy, our peace and our happiness!!

looloo... I think this is so common... Some people can be so inconsiderate, especially in caregiving situations of the elderly (so many here... maybe 95% of us have been through this over and over). I really wonder how these kinds of people even function in life... I'm glad we're not like them... we're kind... but, that's why we feel so badly when things like this happen to us... They say the more you 'feel' the more you 'hurt'... Breathe!... Try no to let her get to you... I'm glad you vented!...

Hi everyone, it looks like no one has posted much here lately, which I hope is a sign that things have been going well. But I miss you all :)
I haven't had much going on -- just taking care of business. No crises thank goodness.
I think it was on this thread a little while ago, that I mentioned how one of my mother's longtime friends commented on my facebook about how much she missed my mother, and hoped she was doing well. I don't blame anyone who no longer wishes to be in touch with my mother, but it just grates on me when people sound pretty much full of s--t. If she misses my mother so much, then try picking up the phone and calling. Or visiting (but it's quite a drive, so I don't expect that really). Anyway, I updated her, and then she wrote asking me if she should let me know the next time she's planning on visiting. I said "that would be great".
Well, I got a notice on my phone that she just visited my mother this morning.
I really don't think I'm a control freak at all, but this just chaps my hide.
My mother is several hours away, so this was not a spur of the moment decision. I told this woman (who's known me since I was born, btw) that I was handling everything for my mother now, so I really wish she would have included me in this, like I THOUGHT we had agreed to. My mother's caregiver is scheduled to be there this morning, and if she tells her to leave, it'll piss off the agency (and me). Also, the manager from the agency was coming by this morning to do a 6 month update of their records.
Why not some simple courtesy??? Why are my perfectly reasonable requests totally blown off??? My imagination starts running, conjuring up all sorts of messes that I'll need to clean up. Miscommunications, confusion, apologies back and forth. And I admit, I wish this woman would WANT to speak to me, to get my perspective on how things are. To find out how I'm doing (she knows about my brother and must realize that I'm the one handling everything). We spent every Thanksgiving and Christmas together from the time I was a baby until I got married. It's really easy to get in touch with me. I'm not asking for any favors, just a little common courtesy and maybe some basic interest in what my role in all of this is. I just feel so...not even considered.
Thanks for letting me vent.

Jeweltone --where are your posts? I miss reading them!

Interesting about the bipolar disorder that doesn't have the mania one typically associates with that. I think you nailed it. I am 62 and an only child. I am getting to the "old" side, but I will keep plugging away! I still feel like I have a long life ahead and I have hope for me! :-). Thanks again.

I'm glad that my post helped. Yes, it is hard work! It took my wife several years in therapy to get her freedom, but she did before she turned 50. It appears the older we are when we face this reality, the harder it is to get free from. There are some articles here about detaching with love that you might find helpful. BTW, your mom's mood swings sound sorta like bipolar disorder and their is a depressive version of that which never gets super manic that the bipolar that we often think about. I wish you the best in your continuing journey towards freedom as well as looking after your mother.

It does help. Thank you, cmagnum. I was in therapy twice over the years, and it was helpful. I might need to go back. I do need healthy choices but sometimes it is such hard work. My Mom does live independently, but in a very reasonably priced rental. She doesn't have a lot of money, but she has some. I don't mind helping out because I have more resources.

You are right about the little girl inside--so right. A lot of times my father didn't know what to do so I felt like I needed to make "mommy" happy. Everything, everything, everything seemed to revolve around her changing moods and depression. But the past is the past and I cognitively grasp much of what happened, but that little girl anxiety is hard to calm. It is frustrating to me that I can not be me--when I am at work or with friends I can be such a free and happy spirit. Well, I have so many blessings in my life, that I am hopeful things will become more clear as time goes on. I truly appreciate your reading my post and responding. It meant a lot!

niny1952, your anxiety arises from the little girl deep inside that wants to please mommy and keep her from being upset. It sounds to me like meeting with a therapist would help you learn how to emotionally detach from your mother and related to her on more of an adult-adult level which might upset her more, but you need your emotional freedom.

It is good to see from your profile that she is in independent living. However, if she can afford that, then she can afford to pay for her own cleaning person. How is her depression doing and is she staying on her meds, plus is she seeing anyone about her depression. Depression is often treated the best with a combination of meds and talk therapy.

It might be helpful to remind yourself that your mother is the way she is. You didn't make her that way. You can't control her and you can't fix her. All you can do is treat her with respect, make sure she is safe and cared for while at the same time choosing a healthy path for your own life socially, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially as you prepare for retirement. I hope this helps.

Well, hello everybody! I have been so busy at work and with family I haven't written in a while and I see there haven't been many new postings. How is everyone doing?

As I approach retirement, I have been worrying how I will balance my responsibilities with my mother and my newly found freedom. I am not sure yet how this will all work out, but for some reason, I have been more comtemplative recently. I am trying to look at my mother and myself with new eyes. For example, if I were just meeting her and if I didn't know her less-than-desirable traits as well as I do, I think I would enjoy her company. She is a character, with lots of humor and wit. Somehow, the two of us can be fabulous or really awful. I am, in a way, trying to start over, BUT that is the very healthy side of me. The unhealthy side of me is still stressed out all the time trying to please her because she is so incredibly picky about almost everything. I have SUCH MIXED EMOTIONS! For example, I hired a caregiver service, after FINALLY convincing my mother to let someone come in to clean by telling her ijt would help me-- just every other week. (I am paying for this.) My mother was resistant and said she would just sit in the other room, but she actually connected with the person and things were going fairly well. She was a little critical about the not-so-excellent cleaning, but liked the young lady who was the caregiver. So yesterday, I was at work and my mother called. She was really upset because a stranger appeared at her door to come and help. I felt so badly for her because it really shook her not to see the person she was used to seeing. I became quite angry with the agency and called them--they should have notified me that there would be a change. (Don't you agree?) Anyway, part of me thought this is scary and unsettling to my mother, but the other part of me thought that my mother over-reacted, as she so often does to so many things. I left work to run to her place (she lives very close) and smooth things out, and then came back right after work, and all went well.

My anxiety shoots through the roof when my mother is upset, but I still do not know exactly why I respond this way. Everyone who sees me in action or knows of my situation thinks I am incredibly patient, generous and helpful to my mother, and I know I am. What most people do not know is that my motives are often just to relieve the anxiety I have when things are not perfect for her. Why am I like this? I want to be calm and peaceful inside. I know that my mother is a difficult woman to be around, because I have watched her be nasty and alienate many people, but I always want to protect her. Why? Oh well, I have to run but thanks for reading my rambling notes this morning! If any of you have a key way to reduce anxiety, that would help me--I am sure I am part of the problem! If I could look the other way and not let her get to the inside of me, things would be so much easier!!

Chocolate is just a given... :-) Chocolate, Cake, and chocolate cake. LOL

I thought one of the three C's was going to be chocolate.

95? Wow, that is a long life. Looloo if it is wrong for you to think about a time you can burn papers, then it definitely is wrong I hope 95 is not a number I write about my mom. That would be almost 25 more years of you know what. Not for me. I hope I am living in 25 years and I am able to enjoy my children and then there should be grandkids to enjoy, no time for mom and her hateful self. Finding something to keep your dad busy at 95 is not an easy task. If he can read a novel, could he play cards or games? Does he like to go out when the weather is good? I guess because my mom is so negative about everything, it is hard for me to give you advice on what to do because nothing works for her. Good luck!

Looloo also I noticed how you said your dad was miserable himself. I do not want to feel that way for the rest of my life. I used to never feel that way, but now, things have changed. I work very hard everyday clearing my mind and how I feel. I am also finding myself looking for excuses not to go to my mom's. She is out of one of her meds (anxiety) so therefore she will need it by tomorrow. It is frigid cold here and they have called off school.--below zero before windchill. Is it bad I am going to call her tomorrow and tell her it is too cold to get out? Ha! I just don't want to go. She gave me a list of things she needs and I haven't had time to go out and shop so I don't want to explain myself tomorrow why I don't have everything. Last night we had no heat in the house and thank goodness for friends with electric blankets. We at least slept warm. We froze this morning getting ready. I took off work to be home to have the heat fixed. Good thing it was a simple fix--very thankful for that. To my mom though, she wonders what in the world I do all day. Why can't I get done what she wants.--ARGH!! Like right now, I should be putting in an assessment of a child I work with, but I need some downtime first.

I better get started on the "important" things in life.--No, mom, not what you need done. Ha ha!
Have a great evening...

**The 3 C's of life--Choice, Chance, Change.
You must make the Choice,
To take the Chance,
If you want anything in life to Change.** -- This really spoke to me and I wanted to share...

looloo, you will more likely put it all in a big box and move it up to your attic. And if you have done your work well, you will not have to bring any of it back down again. It will feel like a relief and a little death of something all over again at the same time though...

I'm imagining you hustling around the house like a private eye, and wishing you had a little bitty spy camera to complete the scenario, with the Mission Impossible theme playing in the background :-) My search for mom's important papers took place while she was in the hospital after she had the fall that ended her independence, not even knowing that it was going to be permanent at the time, so I had the luxury of taking all the time I needed with everything. I did not learn as much that I did not already know as I thought I would - there were a few little things, though.

I think it's perfectly normal to feel that way. It's hard enough for us to keep track of our own paperwork, etc. It's not easy for those of us 'selected' caregiver's to have to rummage through our parents items, especially after they're gone. Try to be kind to yourself and treat yourself to something that will ease this process.

Hi everyone...I need to come up for air for a bit and say hi. Yesterday, I used a personal day and drove over to my mother's house, so I could do a few things while she was at her dr's appointment. I called the receptionist and asked her to call me when my mother arrived, just to make sure she actually went, and also to make sure she was out of the house so I wouldn't see her. No one called, and I was pretty certain that she was there, so I just crossed my fingers and headed into her house. All clear! Phew...
I managed to bring home a bunch of files to go through, and I also got the code off of her golf cart's ignition, so I can get duplicate keys made (her stupid pain in the ass neighbor hasn't returned them to me, and I want to maintain no contact w/her anyway). I tried to go through her phone call log and block numbers, but wasn't able to figure it out. I also tried to *77 (supposed to block unidentified numbers), but that didn't work either. Very frustrating.
Today, on my lunch break, I started to go through the files. Now, I feel a bit sad, as usual. My father was the one who organized all that stuff, and his "system" made me remember how he'd get anxious and angry, and make ridiculous amounts of duplicate copies, then file them all over the place. Argh. I did find some notarized documents that should have been with their trust stuff, so that might end up being a good thing. And I found a nondescript typewritten list with his wishes for what to do with the stuff in the house. He didn't specify exactly what to do re-this in his will (nor has my mother). No surprises, so that's good I guess.
I'm just a little melancholy because I can feel HIS depressive/hopeless/who cares anyway/live is sh-t and then you die attitude coming through. It's just sad. Despite however he felt about his life, there's evidence staring me right in the face that yes, he had some serious traumatic stuff happen, but he was also very lucky much of his life, he made some really smart and sound moves that paid off over time, and his career was something he truly loved. I know if he were here, and I had the nerve to say anything to him, he'd stop speaking to me. But he's not, so...
Anyway, is it wrong to hope for the day when I'll be able to burn all this paperwork and move on?