Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
Mom used to re-gift stuff to us too. She would want something and then when we gave it to her, she'd try to give it back a few months later. That has stopped now as her only interest and obsession is that her furniture is all gone and no one gave her money for it, an obsession she writes 25 little notes a day about. All the furniture went to Salvation Army, it was all horrible, she says it was brand new. We have given her so many little gifts the past 5 years, all of which end up in a drawer or the floor of the closet. I hear you Heidi, I have better conversations with my poodles than I do with my mother. I can't remember having a conversation in the past year when I didn't do all the talking and at the end, she hadn't a clue what I said. Its weird, the silence is awful if you don't try to fill it with chatter - anything because its so awkward if you don't or if the only things they talk about are complaints!
My mom tries to give me stuff, too. Usually it's stuff she doesn't want anymore and she thinks she's doing everyone a favor. She even regifted me a juicer that I'd given her one year after she'd talked about how badly she wanted one for many months! Then she was offended I didn't want it, when I reminded her I gave it to her!
I used to take it and then when she gave me some pewter spoons which I didn't want, but I finally took after she'd offered them 10 times, I got accused of stealing them, so I stopped that entirely.
My mom basically throws stuff in people's hands -- she gives dirty smoky stuff to my inlaws, too, and expects them to go crazy with gratitude. It's weird things that mean nothing to the person getting the gift. It's like giving a fur hat to a vegan and then wondering what their problem is for not going nuts with gratitude!
She hardly ever writes or sends things now, but I do still get rattled every time. I know it's a "hoover" attempt. That's a term for when Narcs try to suck you in, like a vacuum. Now that she's so terribly confused and forgetful--and yet, still attempting to guilt and manipulate--the letters have an extra dimension that's upsetting to deal with. I try to take a deep breath before reading them, deciding that I won't respond (she won't remember anyway), and then I deliberately tear up the letter.
Give yourself some space. If calling it no contact upsets you, call it taking a break. I sometimes want to say "never" with my mom, but it helps just saying, "I can't do this right now." Sometimes "right now" is today; sometimes "right now" is this month.
One thing that helped me a lot was the therapy I used to go to (and may try again once my new insurance kicks in with my new job). All the AgingCare.com talk helps a lot, too. Also find some books and read case histories. Reading "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by Karyl McBride, about narcissistic mothers and their daughters helped a lot because for me a lot of the stories were similar to what I experienced. Anything that helps you realize you're not alone helps. I'd say load up on that and get your fill -- stuff yourself with information -- and then start to let it go. You may never entirely do so -- I know I haven't -- but you'll feel better knowing it's not just you and that you have tried.
Also, you wrote, "my mom is now calling the bank after all these years and wanting information. Will she remember giving me permission to write myself a check?" I've gone through that, too. Money and whatever a person's personal triggers and issues are always a source of problems. My mom is fussy about money and about family. Because she's narcissistic and probably has other diagnosed issues, she has real problems with me because I'm family so I'm naturally, in her mind, meant to deceive her and it's worse because in her mind her whole family is nasty and hates her.
But she's given me checks or cash before and told me to spend it on car insurance or write checks for her prescriptions or even told me to buy groceries for myself with her money. Never felt comfortable with that. I turned a deaf ear to insurance and grocery shopping and I always gave her receipts for anything and it still didn't work. She wasn't there so when she was in a bad phase it became fraudulent and deceptive in her mind. It's a long story, but no matter what you do, realize you're not dealing with a clear mind and it could backfire easily and often.
I barely want contact with my mom -- well, at this point I really don't.
It's been years of drama, of her making up lies about my life (creating an imaginary husband because I wasn't married by the age of 29, etc) and then expecting me to act as personal shopper, secretary, therapist (mainly someone to talk to, but not with), etc. I'm just tired of it.
She just sent me a letter and it wasn't as hateful as past ones have been -- but when I saw the envelope, I felt white-hot panic. But it was a more neutral note with some of the same digs.
It's sad, because she really could use help but I can't do it in part because she doesn't want help -- she wants it her way. I used to be able to shop for her and write checks for her and she changed it all, taking me off the account.
Before she started her accusations I know I was a big help to her, by driving her around and shopping for her but it always ended up with me being labeled the bad guy so I want no more.
That's my rant for the day. The letter didn't set me off sobbing but it did rattle me!
She's going to grind you into the ground otherwise.
I just came from the funeral home from one of my friends I mentioned earlier. He lost his mom and is devastated. She found out 4 weeks ago her breast cancer had returned and now she is gone., while my mom sits in her own misery.--mad at the world and mostly at me.
No contact sucks... she is definitely moving on, why can't I. She is contemplating revoking her POA still and moving her money to a different bank. She moves quick.. HA!! She is so paranoid that I am going to take it. I believe I could have already done that 4 years ago. She just don't get it.
Thanks again for listening to my whiny tail... :-)
cher - sounds like you need to go no contact with your husband that ill. I am so sorry. ((((((hugs)))))
It's so time-consuming/time-exhausting isn't it? This is why we have to watch out for our health... It all starts to take a toll on you. I think mental exhaustion is the worst... I've sure found this out... I've taken a step back now... This is a good thing to do... Whatever you can do for yourself... no matter small... force yourself to do it... I'm thinking of you Jewel... take care of yourself... and, everyone here...
When you do meet with a therapist, maybe discussing that lose-lose situation you're in would be helpful. It's hard to get rid of the guilt, feeling so "disloyal" and "disobedient", when you're doing exactly what you need to be doing for her own welfare. My therapist helped me overcome a lot of that.
No contact or little is a good option.
My mom did have a tough childhood, and I think mental illness is at play, too, so I have my sympathy to an extent, but then there's also the problems of dealing with someone who is an emotional vampire. When they have tantrums or get hateful about things that don't go their way, I just don't want to deal with it anymore.
I figure now if she's willing to pay a neighbor $20 to take her shopping she can give him a $10 bill and ask him to get her a pack of cigarettes and keep the change. (That seems to be her big crisis anyways, and she always keeps about $8,000 in checking, so she can afford her smokes.) I just don't feel like throwing everything to the wind to run and fetch for her. If she wants someone to complain to for hours, she can pay a therapist. If she wants someone to do her bidding, she can hire someone and then like any employer she can set the schedule. I'm nearly 42 and I've given up vacation times and weekends and very nearly my sanity to try and make her happy. It's not working, so I quit. I'll still try and help her and I know I'll have days where I get upset, but I just don't see the point anymore of trying to make a miserable person happy when nothing has made them happy in decades.
I've heard the "cause" of everything bad, too. Is it realistic, though? How did you "cause" it? I know my mom always blamed the whole family and my aunt once said "you know, we loved your mother, but we never knew what to make of her." I thought that was telling. We all knew there were problems, we just (back then) didn't know that we could call them that or label them as mental illness necessarily.