Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
I found out why she called my daughter. She called her about giving her bday money. Now she is mad because my daughter didn't come by to get her money.--First off, how was she supposed to know she had money for her when she didn't leave a message and second, my mom hasn't given her bday money in 4 years--she has had me write a check out of her account and give it to her. Last year she didn't mention it and this year I didn't do it under the circumstances. The wind just keeps blowing harder. A storm is brewing. She is constantly finding ways to keep the pot stirred.
When will it all end?!? Questioning out loud not necessarily asking the question. I know we don't have the answers, but I am ready for a break.
I hope you enjoy your OWN Mother's Day this year, Jewel! When you mentioned the day coming up, I had to think for a moment to remember that this will be my 1st year not visiting my mother. Last year was the first year I didn't drive down on Saturday, stay overnight, take her to an extravagant brunch on Sunday, drive back home, and so on. Last year, she happened to have a doctor's appointment the Monday before Mother's Day, so I took the day off of work ,drove down at sunrise, took her to the appointment and then to a NON expensive lunch, and that was it. I did order flowers for her though, to be delivered that Saturday before Mother's Day, since she probably wouldn't remember or consider what I did do to be "enough."
This year, I will not call. But I'll order flowers and a card. God, I hate shopping for cards for her....
jeweltone, you are right. The only way to stop giving her permission is to stop contact. Sometimes that is the only and best thing you can do.
Good luck with moving forward!
when it comes to my mom, nothing I say or do changes her behavior. The more I set boundaries, the more I say no, the more she behaves this way to me. So for that, I am not going to keep just doing what she says all the time--even when I do, she still behaves badly toward me. She is always mad or pouting about something. This has been her all my life though. It is just worse now. I feel like I keep explaining my self just like I always had to do to her. Always explaining the "why" of everything. Why did you do this, why did you do that, why do you look at me like that --(like what?!?) why, why, why?!!!! I also feel like I am always making excuses for her behavior. As far as giving permission to treat me this way, exactly!! I have been giving that permission for many years and it has to stop. The only way to stop it with her, is to stop contact. This is not easy for sure, but I am moving forward.
As a young child, a teenager, and a young adult I was usually very positive and saw the good in everyone. As I became older and dealt more and more with my mom and trying to still be what she expected including my kids in that at the same time, I started becoming more like her. A bit cynical in everything. I am slowly trying to get back to myself--the glass is half full kind of gal.
Speaking of therapy, I made my appointment!!! It has been a long time coming, but timing is everything. I guess it couldn't come at a better time. If some of you are wondering, no, I still haven't contacted my mom. It is not any easier, but I am taking it a day at a time. The sense of relief I have from not hearing the negativity is great, that feeling of "I am doing something wrong" nags at me day after day. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I will not even know where to start with the counselor. Hopefully they will be able to guide me.
Attention seeking is the name of the game with my mom. She gets angry if she isn't the center of attention. This is not a new behavior for her though. It has always been that way. If she wasn't the one telling a story and everyone else listening, then she would find her way out of the room and not listen to anyone else's stories. Only hers were interesting. She would interrupt and start her own story. You can even watch her eyes start to wonder around the room as she looses interest and tunes you out as you talk. I am convinced that is why she always got the "story"wrong, because she never listened to it. Me, Me Me. That is my mom. Even at the AL she seeks attention from the staff. If she doesn't get it, she gets angry with them. She will even ask them where they have been, what took them so long, and why were they in so and so's room so long...and well, what about her, doesn't she pay the same as everyone else, shouldn't she get the same attention. Actually, she probably gets more attention because she is definitely the squeaky wheel. This could be a blog in it's self. Ha!
I have tried to not write for the past few days thinking that may help me to get my mind off my mom, but actually writing about it helps me more. Reading comments helps remind me and keep things in perspective.
Yes, Emjo, life would be better without these problems...
Wouldn't life be easier without these problems?
And for a moment I thought it was a good conversation. I guess it was in the sense that she didn't get a chance to start accusing my husband of stealing her cat figurines!
How is that possible? Everything changes to some extent, right? How can you NOT? I'm getting all riled up thinking about this again. But that's a sign of a personality disorder, maybe a character disorder. Circumstances change, everything shifts and adjusts -- but not these people.
I was cleaning today and I found a note my mother had written about losing my father and then my aunt. She wrote about how she doesn't like to be yelled at, I'm sure referring to me. I did yell at her once. She considers anytime I tell her no, I won't do something that I'm yelling at her, even if I don't raise my voice.
Last night there was a feel-bad episode. My mother has been taking over my shower time for the past few days and staying in the bathroom a long time. I asked her why her time had shifted and that it threw my schedule off for the rest of the night. She got very mad and told me that I would just wait until she got finished and that I should be glad that I even had a place to stay. I told her that what she said was disrespectful. She said I was the disrespectful one, then told me to just go back to my room. There was no point in going further with the talk, since any defense just gets turned back on me. I wish I could say it is just the dementia or old age, but it is really the same old mother I grew up with.
The fact that my mother called me to ask if I had done her taxes, I know was supposed to be her way of demonstrating to me that she is "with it" enough to be aware of them, and therefore, to handle them. But she's not, and so I have been handling them for the last 2 years. The last year she did them, I know it was a struggle for her, and the year after that (first year I took over), the accountant and I discovered a few missing pieces of info from previous years. Glad we got it taken care of then, instead of who knows when.
My mother still knows enough to be superficially polite to me when we communicate. She will ask somewhat nicely, and she'll say "thank you", but she will imply that I'm interfering, overstepping, basically disrespecting her. And, if I let the conversation go on too long, she'll usually make some sort of dig or start one of her round-and-round, go-nowhere arguments.
You know, my mom was the one who mentioned doing taxes to me. She said she hadn't done them (this was probably two weeks ago) yet, so she knows that they're due, and she's the type who will have them done because she thinks she's owed a huge refund (as always).
As for the POA, it is worthless. We did it years ago, and I brought them to the doctor, and it gives me no authority. I've called before about stuff and mentioned the POA, and they've said, we still need your mom's permission to discuss this with you. I actually jammed it into a box and have ignored it because it seems little more than paper.
And my mom still doesn't really want help. It all boils down to her wanting someone to praise her or go fetch cigarettes and xanax for her, all peppered with generous amount of insults directed my way!
Life is short heart2heart, and we all need to take a stand for our own well being. They have had their stand and lived their life mostly like they wanted to--miserable. I want to live my life--happy and peaceful and full!! I do not want to look back in 10 years and thing "where did it all go"...well, I will tell myself, it went to your miserable, uncaring, self absorb, narcissistic mother.--now, that will be my fault because I allowed it to happen.
If only I could take my own advice. LOL
Matthew 23:27; Luke 13:32; John 2:15
Doesn't read like Jesus all meek and mild to me?
End result -- I didn't cut the grass. If I had done it once, I would have had to keep doing it. Fortunately, the yardman called and let us know he would be by later in the week, so the war going on at home ended.
Now, don't ask me why an 88-yo woman feels like she has the right to bully her 63-yo daughter like she's a willful teenager. To tell the truth, if someone was doing for me what I do for her I would be very humble with gratitude.