Is it normal she's so negative?

CMagnum--You are so right about this being the hardest thing in the world. I will try to keep my eye on the seemingly remote possibility that I can have joy in my life and even freedom. Today was hard with my husband's tongue biopsy. It went well but we still have to wait for the results. The doctor said there was scar tissue from a long-ago tonsillectomy that might have caused the symptoms. I am hoping so! In the meantime, my mother was oh-so-concerned about my husband right after the surgery but now she is angry with me--cold so to speak--probably because I got frustrated with her when she started talking about her life being a black hole and how she will never find a dog. I just couldn't deal with her narcissism effectively today.

Vstefans--I keep thinking I can be nice and meet her needs and give her the love she seems to need but it is slowly killing me. I have been remarkably, impossibly flexible. I am losing my friends over how flexible I have been in trying to meet her ever-changing needs. You are right,I have been misleading myself. So sad but I am ready to try and make some real change--I hope. It is the hardest thing I could ever face. I have tried before and failed miserably. I honestly do not know if I can do it. I keep thinking that maybe I can continue this craziness until she passes away but I honeslty think she will live into her 90s and I don't wish her dead; I just wish she was different, and I wish I WAS DIFFERENT! I know it is me who needs to change--no one else will. I asked my daughter tpo pray for me. Although I am Jewish, she is a devout Christian! Her prayers have been helping, I am so blessed with so much. Two beautiful children and two beautiful step-daughters, 5 grandkids. I have to change--I just have to!

njny1952,

You can change! It will be the hardest thing you have ever worked for, but you can get there. Try to keep focused on the joy of your own life that lays before you so that you can despise the pain that you'll go through to get there. In the process, remember to not despise yourself for not dealing with this sooner, but congratulate yourself that you have seen the light and are seeking to move forward.

Most of us who thought we could get through life and relationships with other people just by being kind, soft-hearted, infinitely flexible and accommodating have had to learn otherwise. :-)

Cmagnum--you are so awesome. Isn't it grand that we can lace in some humor when dealing with such overwhelmingly frustrating problems? Don't give up on me. I honestly, albeit naively, feel like I can change!

" A whole new program that has an anti-whatever mechanism to negate the corrupt files!!! "

I love that. That's what dialectical behaviroal therapy do for some people that is now being used to help people beyond those it was made for. It helps people to use something called mindlessness when faced by triggers. I had a therapist who tried to teach me that, but I could never quite get it. She wanted me to think of one of the most beautiful and peaceful places I've ever seen or been to. She did not want me to think of any good looking girls though ha, ha, Once I had the place in mind, she suggested I go there in my head whenever stuff from others just got to be too much and threatened to trigger some of my underlying anger. She was doing that one on one. It probably works better in a group.

While you are trapped, realistically you are the only one who can change. You can stop dancing with your mother in that emotional dance that she taught you the steps to. You need your own dance that you dance your way to your own tune. This may well require stepping out of the mire to dance on a higher plane of life. There will probably be some mire dripping off of your legs and feet once you step up, but that will fall off along the way.

I wish you the best. Continue to be kind to yourself because no one will be as kind to you as you will. Take care and do something nice for yourself today.

Thank you, thank you. Vstefans--I love the way you told it like it is! Your words are so helpful and made me smile for the first time all day! Cmagnum--you are onto something with the hard drive and fixed and perhaps non-repairable inner workings. I have to find another route. A whole new program that has an anti-whatever mechanism to negate the corrupt files!!!

I need you all to know that my mother does carry on about her dog and talks up a storm--she could talk all day--but much of this problem is ME and my seeming inability to let things go. At some level I do know that all of this is crap and she will be fine--angry and depressed maybe, but overall ok. I have to fix myself. Please know that I read these posts over and over again and it's keeping me hanging in there. I get four free visits from a shrink but I want to get my grandson back home and my husband over his biopsy and then I will go from there. I WANT TO BE HAPPY! I truly do. I hate feeling trapped and like I have no backbone. I am pretty frustrated with myself, but kind enough to myself to try and make things better. That is it in a nutshell--I feel trapped and I can blame my mother all I want but she is not goinbg to change, so I had better get on it. Thanks for your pateince and kindness. Thank you for helping me see a viusion of sanity!

A queen of France once said something like, "Let them eat cake or something." Well, let your mom be dogless. There are worse things she could be without!

njny1952,

I am sorry to hear you are on a roller coaster. Have you been able to meet with the therapist. It also may be necessary to increase some of your meds to give you more emotional equalibrium while you work through this situational depression and your mom dumping or threatening to dump guilt on you.

Remember, she groomed you for this. It's like a software program that's actually a virus inside the computer of your mind. The program either needs to be isolated into an anti-virus vault, incapacitated, or removed from the hard drive. The first two are more likely. It's been in there for so long, I'm not sure you can just clean it off and reboot. Please excuse the rather concrete analogy, but I think you get my point.

Hang in there. It will at times likely feel that your fingernails and our support is about all the thread you have, but we are here.

njny, GO. This is crap and you know it and on some level your mom may even know it. She will not die of not having a dog. She will not die if you go away for two days or two weeks. She will eventually die of something, and though she may choose how happy she wants to be on this earth until she does, but she has no business pushing your buttons to make you share in her personal pity party. She keeps doing it because she knows it works on you. Either she thinks your unhappiness will somehow compensate for hers, or that your having any happiness in your life would leave her in the dust.

And if she DOES happen to die while you are away and she is dogless, it is still NOT YOUR FAULT that she could not choose to find her own happiness without torturing you by trying to make you responsible for it instead.

Hi all--dang I am struggling again. My grandson is here and we (my husband, grandson and I) are hopefully going away for two nights. My mom is still without a dog and I am planning to go away as long as my husband is ok (biopsy tomorrow). But the GUILT. The implied threat. "if I don't get a dog soon, I will just go down, down, down." She is saying how she is just going to probably die and if I leave I am feeling this guilt. Whenever I leave she gets so despondent and depressed. But right now I am incredibly depressed. I know I must find the courage and know she will give me piles of grief, but it is so painful. I haven't been this depressed in years and years. I will re-read all you wrote earlier. I don't know why I move forward and then back up again.

My doctor informed me many years ago, you are not insane if you can cook, clean, AND balance your checkbook. Just passing this on since I already spent my $300,000.00 on therapy.

I am sane I am able to cook and cleanI am sane I am able to cook and clean I am sane I am able to cook and clean I am sane I am able to cook and clean
IM BLOODY INSANE and I don't want to cook or clean and my 'dear' cousin has had the bloody nerve to ring me today to tell me SHE (with dementia) thinks I (Probably without dementia) need to buck my ideas up and care for Mum properly. Well OK she has dementia so we will play the game....what do you think I should do first. Well your Mum is obviously lonely since your Dad died - term yes I can see that she would be but what do you think I should do about it?

Well why don't you marry her? Erm because she is my mother? Well after a tirade of abuse she slammed the phone down but I think I am her focus which is not going to be good. Her sweet sweet husband rang not 5 minutes later to apologise....no need I said and he giggled he actually giggled like a kid - He had the balls to admit he couldn't speak for hiding an all laugh when she suggested I marry Mum.

Dontcha just hate dementia?

JudeA--wow. Hang in there. I know you deserve your own life but you are in a tough spot! I hope you can carve out some personal time for your own peacefulness and sanity every day. I will be thinking about you! You seem like you have a wonderful sense of humor and that should help!
Judda--I love that you and your mom have found something that works for both of you. It is so great when that happens.

I am hanging in there. I am so thankful for this discussion. I hope you all have a good Sunday !

Do you have a Savers there? My Mom is 94 and very with it. She loves clothes and when she moved into an independent living apartment I took her to this Savers store where you can buy all kinds of used items: clothes, household stuff: it's like an ongoing flea market. So Mom thought this store was more beneficial on her mind and body (and getting exercise walking around this large store). We started calling it Dr. Savers! It saved our relationshop too. The mother daughter strain was eased by bringing her there and I had little breaks by going off on my own: first a little at a time and then for longer periods. She barely noticed my not being with her: she was having fun picking up items. Mom and I realized you can buy stuff and if you didn't like the item, donate it back to the store, then you get percentages off on your next (already cheap) purchase. That's how we ended up swapping out old stuff for better old stuff! We go there almost every week and include eating out or I make her lunch or supper.

Our closets and furniture have downsized and we had so much fun cleaning out our old junk. Now we have two separate apartments. I thank God I don't have to go through what you are living.

Find a million ways to take care of yourself and find something that pleases you every single day; while you are caregiving. My admiration and sympathy for your struggle.

Moving? Put doubtful items in boxes, then in storage rather than discussing with the negative person. Not discussing something helps decrease stress. Remember, it is easier to apologize later than to ask permission. Moving is very stressful already, without having to sort thru a lifetime of stuff. Sort it all out later. Have Mum help pack the boxes by watching what goes into them? This may not work, depending upon her illness. Best regard to you and your Mum in your new apartment/flat.

Rembering previous advice here on agingcare: It is the illness, not her. Try not to take it personal, but I know I cannot do that yet. Keep venting, that will help, plus the fact that there are too many people out loud wishing that No One on here dies.

Jude, keep hanging in there. Your Mum could not live without you!

I think she is secretly hoping I do!!!

In case someone *dies*..??!!

Question is, did *she* have anyone in mind? Hope you've got her good hat at the ready, too :)

Can I heck as Like CM - she can't find her black coat (which incidentally I have packed not charitied) and she now wants me to fish it out in case someone dies. You really don't want to know what my first thought was because it's not big, its not clever and Im not proud of it.

Unbelievably stressful task, Jude; but hey you'll be glad you got it done. In the end. Can you get her to focus on the favourite things she's still got?

I do try to KAK but sometimes Mum manages to hit that really horrible button where you will do almost anything to stop it. With mum it is when she turns to nagging. Now I live in the UK and I live with Mum 24/7 so I am on hand a bit more than some.

I try to avoid additional pressure so I thought it would be a really sensible move to sell up and go to a flat(Apartment)!!!! Jings if only I had known the stress that would cause.

Well we sold our house, we have managed to find a beautiful apartment and it is stunning but now we need to downsize OBVIOUSLY.

I brought all Mums clothes down so that she could decide keep/ charity /dispose of. Easy peasy I thought. Oh heavens to Betsy - no it isn't. She got rid of 2 things the first time. Then constantly nagged and nagged until eventually I couldn't bear it any longer and in the second run she threw 4 things out. Well this has gone on for 4 weeks now - luckily moves in the UK take forever it seems.

The last attempt was 2 days ago and I got her to throw about 50% of her stuff - the charity bags were being collected Friday and so it was spot on timing - YAY...............so so wrong Oh jings now it is worse than ever because she just wants to 'check' she made the right choices....erm too late they have gone to charity Mum

It is 8:34 am Mum has been awake for 2 hours and she has asked to check 13 times so far and I want to scream....a lot

Right now I am hiding because I swear if she say she wants to check one more time I will have to walk away for at least 2 hours to get my sanity back

Wise as a serpent and innocent as a dove. I will try and remember that one! Thanks!

Sometimes when you are KAI, it might feel like your KA but actually you are showing more real and healthy love by not caving in. The queen may even try to shame you by saying you are KAing her when actually you are KAIing. Don't fall for the shame and guilt trap. Despise the shame game like that article I posted the link so advised. Be wise as a serpent, but innocent as a dove.

Thank you, CMagnum! I want to KA! Actually, KAK--Kiss Ass Kindly! I have to find that balance where I address my provblem while still being reasonably respectful and kind. I do take Lorazapam, and that helps keep me more level than anything else I have tried. I don't take much--just enough to take the edge off. My primary care physician has been helpful. I learned that the counselor I was going to call is having a ton of her own personal issues, so I have to find out about some other good counselors. I am very grateful to you--you have steered me to some excellent bibliotherapy and I am reading -- so grateful!

njny1952,

Good news! Try not to hate yourself for how you have been is how you were groomed to be and you are not at fault for that. You now have self awareness and see what is going on which is great!!! That is much further than many people ever get. Yes, it will be an up and down experience with a few steps forward followed by some backward, but overall making some progress toward the goal.

Probably an anti-anxiety med possibly would help you while you work through these other things which take enough emotional energy. This is one valid use of such meds because not everyone struggling with anxiety has an anxiety diagnosis. Their anxiety is dependent upon the situation. That is something to consider and ask your therapist about once you meet with them. Your primary care doctor should be able to prescribe you a basic anti-anxiety med.

Take care and keep coming back so that we can support you and know how you are doing! KA which stands for Kick Ass!

I just discovered that my key trigger for focusing on my mother almost to the exclusion of everything else is when she says she is depressed or acts it. Then I go into automatic, autonomic overdrive. I feel it is my responsibility to fix everything, and right away! I think it IS all related to guilt, obligation, and almost paralyzing fear. I fool myself and feel like I am getting better and then wham, I am stunned into thinking I am going nowhere. My heart almost seems to stop--I get so nervous and anxiety ridden. I am noticing physical changes--almost panic attacks. BUT THIS IS GOOD! I am analyzing my situation and facing it squarely in its ugly face. My books arrived today. I will be reading for sure. I hate how I am--hate it. I guess this will be an up-and-down process but I will try so hard to keep my eye on the goal. FREEDOM to be me and not be stuck in a mucky bunch of FOG. Thanks to all who are hanging in there with me. What would I do without you?

Njny, that's a good move, just to tell mom, can't talk now, we'll see you in a while. It's a smart tactic. Baby steps!

Hi all--my grandson is here and I am crazy busy. But still very focused on getting this codependency/addiction with my mother reduced or possibly, unimaginably, gone? Today's thought: I am working hard to be honest with myself and recognize when I am doing too much to try and please her, and when she is taking up too much space in my head. I am celebrating those little victories, like yesterday she kept calling and I was trying to have conversations with my grandson so I reminded her I would see her in just a few hours and told her I couldn't talk anymore. That sounds so normal for anyone else to say--no one would even think twice about it--but it was big for me since I have been trying so hard to do anything and everything to please her. P.S. The dog went back but that was sad for her. She is Trying to find another dog, but I am trying not to lead the charge. This is all very hard work because I am trying to change nearly 60 years of mommy pleasing behaviors. However, I was more rebellious when I was younger--I need to remember who I was back then! Thanks again and again for everyone's contributions to this blog. You are helping to save me!

I like your way of thinking Lynnemk. If others had good memories of your mom then she brought them some happiness.

A lot of people love my mom and find her great and humorous, etc., and tell me what a wonderful lady she is. I don't argue with it, but I know she's damaged from a rough childhood and some sort of mental illness. Heck, as a little kid she'd apparently talk about committing suicide and do things to draw attention -- even bad attention was good because it was attention. Just sadly she and I don't get along well anymore.

She's cut off contact with everyone over the years. Every family member, and every friend. No friendship of hers is older than 10 years, and the oldest friendships are the most frayed; the newest ones are the happiest and dearest. She simply gets tired of people and finds fault with them and dumps them. I sometimes worry that in six months she'll hate her neighbors and think they stole from or gossiped about her and then she'll call with a whole bunch of harsh words and accusations and I'll be expected to drive her around and hear endless talk of how I abandoned and betrayed her, even though in the last 5 years she's probably written or called me about 10 times and told me never to contact her again!

But if she makes other people happy and they make her happy, so be it. More power to them. Sometimes you just have to live in now.

HELLO Friends!!! It has been weeks since I have been on and wow have I missed out. I agree, this thread kind of went slow and I made some decisions to stay away from my mom, so I felt it was best to let it all rest for a while. I am still no contact with my mom and it feels so GOOD! I still, at times, find myself in a guilt, pity party, type of day. I get down and wish it would all go away. Then I have to remind myself that it is gone--for the most part. I realize she is still around and therefore I realize at any minute the phone could ring and it be her on the other end. I have promised myself "I will NOT answer". If it is an emergency, she can leave a message. I really do not want to talk to her or see her. I am loving being less stressed and less anxious. I will say the repercussions of the stress are starting to show up now that I have slowed down. The doctor has asked me to do some blood work and I am fearful of what lies in the answers.

Yes, how dare us to put our family--husbands, kids, grandkids, or ourself, before our mothers. I got so tired of hearing "well, I am your mother", I can't believe you would do that over your mother. It makes me angry to write it. Ha! I am so glad I am not hearing that anymore.

Making some changes is difficult, it took me 5 years--well actually over 40 years, but the last 5 years were pure h*ll. I am so thankful that I was able to finally make those changes for myself and my family. One day at a time is all we can do. Nijny: I am glad to see you are finally searching for those changes. Now that you have time to sit and contemplate things, you will make the right choices for you and your family. Your mom will be just fine. I learned that the hard way, but we do not want to end up like them. Our health--mind and body, is just as important as theirs if not more important.

I wish I could respond to everyone. There are many great ideas, stories, and thoughts. My mom hasn't been very nice to the caregivers at AL and the director has had to talk to her about it. I try to keep up with what is going on without her knowing. Nothing has changed with her except she doesn't have me to use as a punching bag. My aunt hasn't been to my mom's in over a month and my mom hasn't called her either. I am sure she is lying in her bed in a pity party and pouting at everyone. She did a lot of damage in the first month I didn't talk to her. She blamed everything on me, of course, and called the bank, the attorney and tried to tell everyone I was cheating her and taking from her. Well, so far nothing has come of that. The bank did send her a statement. So now she sees I only pay out for her rent. I wish I didn't have to do that, but I am working on that too. I NO LONGER get her medicine and I no longer worry about it. She is very capable of calling the pharmacy and the doctor and when she can't do it, they do it from the AL for her. Yay for good caregivers. Even if it uses up all her resources. I will tell you that she will out live her money.

I had a friend to lose her mom this morning and another friend's dad had a stroke and they are just keeping him comfortable and waiting. Then there is my mom sitting in misery and making everyone else's life miserable. Who knows the reasons, but I am thankful every day I do not have to talk to her and can handle her business from a distance.--2 miles down the road...Ha!!

Good evening and it was so good reading everyone's post. Take care. One thing that I heard the other day from Joel Osteen made me think: He said, "Some say good morning Lord, thank you for another day" and some of us say, "good Lord it's morning"... ((chuckle)) I now try to say "good morning, Lord" instead of "good Lord it's morning"...There is a rainbow in every storm. Love to all!!