Is it normal she's so negative?

I will NOT visit my mother after noon. Her sundowning starts really early, and I will not be present for that. There's no reason for me to be there and get a truckload of abuse. Timing is everything in having a neutral-as-possible visit.

There's that small magic window of time where the meds have kicked in, the blood sugar is good after eating, and she might - maybe - be just argumentative instead of abusive. If I get there and see she hasn't eaten her tray and is still in bed, in PJs, I am out of there in under 10 minutes because I know what's to come if I stay.

sandwich, timing IS everything. We find that if we call Mom after dinner but before she is in her room for the night, she's much more pleasant to chat with. And if the convo goes badly, it's not right on top of us trying to settle down for sleep.

Yes LOW bloods are dangerous not just for my mum being diabetic but for my own sanity! was busy talking to a friend on the phone earlier( i know shame on me) maybe five minutes when this angry head appeared and DEMANDED her dinner yes even did a little dance like a tantrum toddler! My friend heard her and said "OMG" i didnt think it was that bad, you poor thing! shes bringing me out to dinner on Friday in sympathy! Her mum she nursed until the end with cancer but was glad her mum didnt get dementia she knows a bit about it but i think she really had her eyes open today! mum was always so sweet to my friends so i suppose she got a shock!!
YEP make sure they have a HUGE PROTEIN before you attempt to visit!!!!!

I was hoping for a day off. I took my kids shopping for school and we were having a great time. My phone rang and I thought it was my son checking in and oh my, it was my mother...she NEVER calls or should I say much. Of all the days for her to call me. I am over an hour away and trying to enjoy a day with my family. (something few and far between). I told the truth and told her where we were. She had questions about my grandmother's estate. There she goes again, putting me in such an awkward position. I hate her questions. Understand this, she doesn't ask questions just to get answers and be okay with it, she asked questions to have ammunition for later. NO answer is the right answer when it comes to her. No matter what I say, it gets me in trouble. It almost ruined my day, ALMOST, key word. I was upset and just so disappointed that she called and I reminded myself, she cannot bring you/me down. She wasn't really negative but just the motive behind her questions makes it hard. It took about 30 minutes and I slowly got over it. I kept going and enjoying my day. I did have to come home and deal with some things for her, as usual, but now I am putting it here and getting it off my mind.

The answers to your questions and ideas-- First, the ideas are GREAT! I wish they worked. We have tried everything to distract her. Her mind goes and goes all the time. She refuses to do any type of anything. She USED to love to crochet, knit, quilt, make crafts, etc.,,and was very good at it. She has lost interest and I do believe the ability to do it. She never liked puzzles or anything of that sort. I did notice a word search in her room and the staff got it for her. She hasn't done the first page. She only complained it was in her room. She did ask for her Bible which did surprise me. They are starting to have devotional and she is getting interested in that. She is starting to participate in more at the AL. I know she does better when I am not there, which helps, but when I am there or when she talks to me she says everything is just awful. She wants my pity and likes it when I feel guilty.

When I try to talk about my family or things going on, she always goes back to herself. She is usually the one changing the subject. We have also tried so many antidepressants and none of them have worked. Actually some have made her worse. The doctor decided to stop them. Her memory isn't too bad except for some short term. It is mostly her inability to make decisions, reason, and take care of herself. --Frontal Lobe. She now thinks she can live by herself. This is only because she is doing better at the AL, even though she doesn't think so. I know in my heart if I let her move, she will go down hill once again. I know this is best for her and no matter how bad she makes me feel about it, I have to keep her there.

Jazmine: You are so right. You will not be happy when it comes to putting your mom in memory care and neither will she. You will be able to get at least a day or two rest. Even though my mom and our situation is on my mind every single day and sometimes every single minute, I am still able to pull back. I used to go visit and help her everyday and sometimes stay with her on the weekends and during the week. I am still working hard myself to rid the guilt and get back to my life. It has only been 4 months since my mom is in AL and I am just now able to pull back and know I don't have to call and check on her everyday because there are people there to do it. They are a group of wonderful staff. They have taken good care of my mom and do everything they can to make her happy just like I tried. Of course, she does do a bit more for them than me. Good luck with what you choose. I feel your pain on so many levels.

I am inspird by the boundaries everyone is trying to set. Sometimes, though, it is so hard to stick to them. Then once you get a routine, something like an unexpected call, such as Jeweltone received, can throw you off your game. I get physical symptoms when something goes awry. My stomach seems to hit the floor and I am sure my blood pressure goes up. I have written all kinds of guidelines for myself and I am forcing myself to read them daily. It is helping, and so are all of you!

njny What ive learnt to do as i have a very spiritual friend and it does work is say positive affirmations every morning while i brush my teeth!! I am grateful for my health (welll so far so good) my mum is still ok not much memory loss, my lovely cat i love him to bits, i have food a roof over my head its hard but it works! I saw a young man today his face was badly scarred and i thought what the h*ll am i complaining about it could be worse? i know then you go back into her negative energy and its all in a days work! LOL

The schedule as njny is speaking of was also broken again this morning for me. After yesterdays phone conversation with my mom, I haven't been able to rest. As I have said before we are trying to work on getting my grandmother's estate settled. My mom thinks we are trying to cheat her since she is unable to help out now that she is ill. She doesn't understand this is all new to us too. My mom was always the controller, the wisdom holder and the one we all went to for suggestions. Now she is ill, she thinks she can still be that person but the only thing she has now is the control. That is exhausting thinking about how she thinks we are going to cheat her and she tells us she doesn't want any of the things only the money. With that said, knowing we are going to try to have a sale soon, she is calling wanting things. I woke in a panic this morning. I mean anxiety stricken to the point it took me from 8:45 a to about 11 a to calm down. I could just hear her words ringing in my head. "you act like I don't exist, each of you are doing everything and not including me" before you judge let me tell you we have. We have offered for her to go to the home and give suggestions, to pick out what she wants and every week I ask her if there is anything I can bring her from my grandmother's. Also, she lived there for a year before AL and still said there wasn't anything she wanted. So who is cheating who? I feel cheated everyday by her words taking away my sanity and peace. I will be so glad when everything is settled and that will be one less guilt stricken activity to deal with. Then I just know she will start wishing she had some things from her mom--(I did put back a few things that I know meant something to my mom just in case) I am always worrying about the next saga, when I wish I could just deal with it as it comes.

I have had a few decent weeks of doing what I have wanted to do, even though the guilt would peak through, but these past few days have derailed my train. I am slowly climbing back on the tracks and getting my son ready for school to start. I am NOT going to call her until Friday. I have decided she is NOT going to win. If she/they only realized the power struggled they set before us, then maybe they wouldn't be so harsh. This is just that narcissistic demon that won't let go. They are not happy until everyone around them is as unhappy as they are. She thinks I am out in the world living a happy and glorious life (I used to) and now she has no idea that while she is engaged in Bible study, hanging out on the patio with the ladies, I am home having an anxiety attack. Never and I mean NEVER have I had an anxiety attack until I have had to start taking care of her. It was more panic about what she thinks and what she says than anything. I have always been relatively happy in my life. Loved being with friends, family and relaxing. I want that back. I will tell you that this is just a little set back and when this train gets rolling again, I will work harder getting up that hill. "i think I can, I think I can" will change to "I know I can, I know I can".

No pity desired for today, just a moment of release. Thanks all for tuning in.

I have done so much reading on narcissism, and the recent events I've been dealing with made me think of two terms that I read quite a bit about, but I didn't exactly identify with them until today. "Triangulation" and "Demonization". Triangulation is when the narc will pull people in, communicate with them about you, generally not honestly speak with the person they're having an issue with. So everything gets misconstrued, the narc's version is the first one put out there, so it's rarely, if ever, disputed, and every situation and every person just revolves around the narc, in a crazy vortex of drama and dysfunction.
And "demonization" is what it sounds like -- badmouthing people to other people, making them out to be the villain, while the narc is the victim.
I had seen my mother do this throughout my life, but she wasn't usually over the top about it. She was consistent, but it flew under my radar pretty much.
Now, however -- OMG. Since Friday, I've spoken/emailed with 3 different parties (my cousin across the country last week, my brother yesterday, and a home care worker this morning), and she's cranked up this behavior so much that I'm taking what might be a permanent 'time out' -- I am definitely considering no more contact, just caregiving oversight and contact with her doctors, neighbors, daily money and household management, and so on. It felt a little uneasy for about a day, and now I find myself daydreaming about how lovely it will be to know that I can provide what she needs, and never have to be around her again. Honestly, I'm hoping for that.

Looloo, let me know how it goes. I am interested to see how you decide to go about this..just cold turkey or slowly venture away. I want to so bad, but being an only child, I feel I am solely responsible and can't just walk away. We shall see.

I think if we all had the courage to do what we really want, we wouldn't be here looking for a back bone. My back bone is so weak. Just when I feel it getting stronger, she breaks it down one more time, even without her even being around.

I think you are very brave for taking a stand for yourself. Someone must go first, so I will wait in line. Ha! Good luck and let us know how it is going. We will encourage you all the way.

Well, it could be just wishful thinking, Jewel! Every day as you know, brings a new set of circumstances, so we'll see. The word that came to mind as I was thinking about no contact was " ineffective." I mean that I am simply ineffective when I have to deal w/her personally, and i really hate being ineffective. If I know that I'm doing a good job looking after her from a distance, then I will have peace of mind. But we'll see.

Jeweltone--your backbone is not weak. You just need to grow a "tough bone!" I also think my backbone is weak, but it is just that as only children we feel that responsibility and even desire to help things go well, even in the face of ridiculous odds. Loo loo-if you can turn over her care, think of the possibilities for yourself. But, time will tell if you can do it. Some people do--I daydream about that sometimes, but my guilt comes in and grabs me by the gut and I am then clearly doomed. I did not have this kind of anxiety (well maybe once when I was worried about my daughter), except for the ineffective efforts to please mom. My anxiety is quite high and sometimes my blood pressure zings up like a firework. Other times, I can take things in stride. You know, I saw my mom today, and she was delightful. It is so awesome when that happens EXCEPT then I start to believe that things are not as bad as I thought and then I get a zinger in a day or two that sends me back to Anxiety Village. We need an action plan! I love this dialog. I swear it is helping to save me.

Thank you! I feel weak most of the time. I am usually not a whiner but I know it sounds like it lately. School started today and I am trying to figure out a new schedule for my mom. I really do not want to go this weekend. I may go Saturday instead of Sunday to have time to wind down before the new week starts. Njny I am glad your visit went better than expected. Those days are few and far between , I know, but take them when they come.

I always dread the conversation that is awaiting me when I go see her. I wish so much I could go and talk about the weather, the birds, the flowers, the beach, or anything peaceful, but no, not with her. Sometimes I feel I set myself up to feel bad before I even go. I need a chant... Ha!

I know I am NOT calling her until tomorrow or Saturday morning before I go. One more night of silence and I am going to enjoy it.

This thread is so valuable and it really helps to read everyone's comments. My mom has been in AL for about 2 1/2 weeks now; she went straight from hospital in NC (where she was for 2 weeks) to rehab where we live (Maryland) to AL. She was happy to go somewhere different with more actitivites as rehab really only focuses on therapy here. But now I've noticed the past week or so when I visit..she is starting to become more negative when I am there. She will make comments like - "how long am I staying here?" "This isn't permanent." Well - she can no longer stay in her home alone which is where she was before...walking with a walker; have home health agency come in on a limited basis to check on her...she has some dementia (mostly short term memory so far) and needs help with medications. But since she got sick - she got hit with a bad UTI; found out she had septsis while in hospital and then also got pneumonia while in hospital. Rehab helped some but she is mostly in wheelchair now and incontinent and really has to stay in AL as both me and my husband work and we have two small kids (ages 4 and 6). This has been life changing for all of us...and I do read and hear that it takes folks in AL awhile to adjust. I just have to figure out a way to respond to her when she does get negative...I find myself lately - the past few days having my husband stop by to visit and check on her. Which then makes me feel guilty for not going myself. And its funny with him, she doesn't have anything negative to say at all and there was a time or two when he got there-- he observed her with other residents doing an activity and he said she was very happy. This is a really nice AL -- as I've really spent time checking places out ahead of time. The people who work there and the food and activities are great. She also has been going to church (which they take her) the past two weeks...which she hasn't done in year. So I guess maybe it just takes time for both her and me to adjust?

Capitalgirl - welcome! This really is life changing. My mother is sweet as peach pie to my husband. He's the good one ya know. Me, I'm the world's oldest rebellious teenager who is out to take all her money & precious things (HA!) In about 4 months there will be zero money. Her chest of "precious jewelry" she guarded under her bed, wrapped in blankets, in another box turned out to be regular department store costume jewelry.

The fact your mom is in activities is a very positive sign. You can take her complaints with a grain of salt knowing it's really not a Soviet-era prison you put her in. ;-) I was told to space out my visits so my mom would have time to adjust, which is counterintuitive to what most people think is proper. It takes older people a lot longer to adjust to change, and if there is dementia it takes a lot longer than that, and it may never happen.

There are some great articles in the section of this site called Caregiver Burnout, on how to deal with chronic negativity and bad behavior from seniors. Fore-warned is fore-armed I say!

Capitalgirl: Glad you could join us and I am so glad it is helpful. This has been so helpful for me. I get a little off track sometimes, but for the most part I am learning to push forward. Our mothers don't have anyone else to blame this on but us. The person who does the most for them. We are there punching bag per say. I get pretty bruised up sometimes and want to deflate, but I know I am not to blame. It is not our fault they are ill and that we can NOT make them happy.

It is an adjustment period for them as it would be for any of us. My mom is in a new, very nice place, but she calls it a prison. She even refers to her apartment as cell block #_ _ _. Ha ha, yes, she does. It gets so annoying. When we go for a walk in the building or go sit on the patio and it is time to go back, she will say "well, there is cell block #_____. I want to just scream. I don't say anything. I just smile. Now, she has everyone saying it at the AL and they all think it is funny, but they don't realize that she is being mean about it. Of, course, they are not emotionally attached to the situation as we are. That emotional attachment is so hard to detach. I pray one day I will be able to look at her as just some lady who needs help and I am wiling to help her. For now, it is my bitter, hateful, ungrateful mother that I wish was different. I wish I had a magic wand and could make her start forgetting everything already. I would be okay if she would forget me, that would be one less burden to carry. I wouldn't have to feel guilty for not wanting to go visit because she wouldn't know me anyway. The sad part is the doctor told me she may never get to that point being it is frontal lobe.

I called her today and told her I would be up tomorrow..boo! I do NOT want to go, but I now it is the right thing to do. I have already been planning how I can get out of conversation with her and how I can plan my escape quickly. My stomach is a burning mess and the knots are choking me. My husband said he was so glad it was Friday and all I could do was look at him in anguish. Haha.

My wish for tomorrow would be I could go in and she would be so happy to see me and be so grateful I even came. Praising me for the way I do her hair and telling me she can't wait for me to come back. ((Pinch)) OUCH!! I just woke up... Too good to be true as "they" say.

Thanks for the warm welcomes. I hope your visit goes well tommorrow jeweltone and I think what I've tried lately is to just change the subject when there is a negative remark as best you can. My hubby reported tonights visit didn't go so well and my mom seemed to be suffering from a cold or allergies as the pollen is really bad here now. When he got to the dining room (she does sit with a regular group of ladies) - she had a runny nose, looked tired and wasn't eating much. One of the ladies said she doesn't eat very well at other times too but mom has never been a great eater. She was eating horrible in her home and diet consisted of high fat microwavable foods so the food she is getting now has to be better. He took her upstairs and talked with staff, nurse called her doctor and they got her some tylenol and also something for allergies and put her to bed. My hubby said she asked where I was and he told her I was picking up boys from camp. Now the guilt is setting in and I hope she gets to feeling better soon....I just can't imagine what it will be like in the winter with all the germs that go around??

I just read some quotes of Mark Twain, this is an interesting read and I wanted to share. I copied and pasted so hope it is legible. It applies to our daily lives as care givers too. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

t’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.”

“Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.”

“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.”

You may know Mark Twain for some of his very popular books like Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. He was a writer and also a humorist, satirist and lecturer.

Twain is known for his many – and often funny – quotes. Here are a few of my favourite tips from him.

1. Approve of yourself.

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

If you don’t approve of yourself, of your behaviour and actions then you’ll probably walk around most of the day with a sort of uncomfortable feeling. If you, on the other hand, approve of yourself then you tend to become relaxed and gain inner freedom to do more of what you really want.

This can, in a related way, be a big obstacle in personal growth. You may have all the right tools to grow in some way but you feel an inner resistance. You can’t get there.

What you may be bumping into there are success barriers. You are putting up barriers in your own mind of what you may or may not deserve. Or barriers that tell you what you are capable of. They might tell you that you aren’t really that kind of person that could this thing that you’re attempting.

Or if you make some headway in the direction you want to go you may start to sabotage for yourself. To keep yourself in a place that is familiar for you.

So you need give yourself approval and allow yourself to be who you want to be. Not look for the approval from others. But from yourself. To dissolve that inner barrier or let go of that self-sabotaging tendency. This is no easy task and it can take time.

2. Your limitations may just be in your mind.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

So many limitations are mostly in our minds. We may for instance think that people will disapprove because we are too tall, too old or balding. But these things mostly matter when you think they matter. Because you become self-conscious and worried about what people may think.

And people pick up on that and may react in negative ways. Or you may interpret anything they do as a negative reaction because you are so fearful of a bad reaction and so focused inward on yourself.

If you, on the other hand, don’t mind then people tend to not mind that much either. And if you don’t mind then you won’t let that part of yourself become a self-imposed roadblock in your life.

It is, for instance, seldom too late to do what you want to do.

3. Lighten up and have some fun.

“Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.”

“Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”

Humor and laughter are amazing tools. They can turn any serious situation into something to laugh about. They can lighten the mood just about anywhere.

And a lighter mood is often a better space to work in because now your body and mind isn’t filled to the brim with negative emotions. When you are more light-hearted and relaxed then the solution to a situation is often easier to both come up with and implement. Have a look at Lighten Up! for more on this topic.

4. Let go of anger.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

Anger is most of the time pretty pointless. It can cause situations to get out of hand. And from a selfish perspective it often more hurtful for the one being angry then the person s/he’s angry at.

So even if you feel angry at someone for days recognize that you are mostly just hurting yourself. The other person may not even be aware that you are angry at him or her. So either talking to the person and resolving the conflict or letting go of anger as quickly as possible are pretty good tips to make your life more pleasurable.

5. Release yourself from entitlement.

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”

When you are young your mom and dad may give a lot of things. As you grow older you may have a sort of entitlement. You may feel like the world should just give you what you want or that it owes you something.

This belief can cause a lot of anger and frustration in your life. Because the world may not give you what expect it to. On the other hand, this can be liberating too. You realize that it is up to you to shape your own life and for you to work towards what you want. You are not a kid anymore, waiting for your parents or the world to give you something.

You are in the driver’s seat now. And you can go pretty much wherever you want.

6. If you’re taking a different path, prepare for reactions.

“A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.”

I think this has quite a bit of relevance to self-improvement.

If you start to change or do something different than you usually do then people may react in different ways. Some may be happy for you. Some may be indifferent. Some may be puzzled or react in negative and discouraging ways.

Much of these reactions are probably not so much about you but about the person who said it and his/her life. How they feel about themselves is coming through in the words they use and judgements they make.

And that’s OK. I think it’s pretty likely that they won’t react as negatively as you may imagine. Or they will probably at least go back to focusing on their own challenges pretty soon.

So what other people may say and think and letting that hold you back is probably just fantasy and barrier you build in your mind.

You may find that when you finally cross that inner threshold you created then people around you may not shun you or go chasing after you with pitchforks. They might just go: “OK”.

7. Keep your focus steadily on what you want.

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.”

What you focus your mind on greatly determines how things play out. You can focus on your problems and dwell in suffering and a victim mentality. Or you can focus on the positive in situation, what you can learn from that situation or just focus your mind on something entirely else.

It may be “normal” to dwell on problems and swim around in a sea of negativity. But that is a choice. And a thought habit. You may reflexively start to dwell on problems instead of refocusing your mind on something more useful. But you can also start to build a habit of learning to gain more and more control of where you put your focus.

8. Don’t focus so much on making yourself feel good.

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”

This may be a bit of a counter-intuitive tip. But as I wrote yesterday, one of the best ways to feel good about yourself is to make someone else feel good or to help them in some way.

This is a great way to look at things to create an upward spiral of positivity and exchange of value between people. You help someone and both of you feel good. The person you helped feels inclined to give you a hand later on since people tend to want to reciprocate. And so the both of you are feeling good and helping each other.

Those positive feelings are contagious to other people and so you may end up making them feel good too. And the help you received from your friend may inspire you to go and help another friend. And so the upward spiral grows and continues.

9. Do what you want to do.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Awesome quote. And I really don’t have much to add to that one. Well, maybe to write it down and keep it as a daily reminder – on your fridge or bathroom door – of what you can actually do with your life.

Jeweltone--thinking of you today. I love this post you added and hope today goes AOK. P.S. I must be getting old because people are telling me how young I look! :-)

Thank you. I thought that was funny too. I remember before my mom became ill, we would go shopping or out to eat and people would ask if we were sisters. Well, I didn't know what to think of that. Either she looked really young or I looked really old. Haha. I would like to think she looked really young.

Update: I called her this morning with much dread. She told me she wasn't feeling well and she didn't feel like getting up. I told her I would check on her tomorrow...there was that awkward silence. She had a grumble in her voice when she said ok. So, on once again, I gave in and told her I would call her later and come tomorrow. She said ok. Manipulation at it's best. After reading the above, I keep telling myself this is just a circumstance that I can take control of. It seems to constantly control me. I also agree with how we always look to them for approval. Approval that we are doing everything for them just right. I like the quote, "A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” . That is so true. I approve what I am doing and I know that I have done everything in my ability to change the way she feels. I have moved her three times. I have shopped for her over and over without success (except for pajamas), I have smiled when I felt like crying, I have fixed hair, traveled in the snow, taken her to doctors after doctors trying to find the problem and a solution, it goes on and on. She will NEVER find it in her soul to show me approval. She never has and never will. That part of her hasn't changed and I don't believe it will.

Even though I do not have to go today, I still have a dread in the pit of my stomach. My daughter was and may tomorrow, go with me. I told her it would help me if she did. My mom gets upset because the kids don't come (she makes them very nervous), but when they do come, she gets upset too. So, there, it doesn't matter what we do, it is all the same. I need to be reminded of that myself.

Note to self: It doesn't matter, either way, will be the same outcome. They will be miserable without us or with us.

Good morning on Monday. I did go visit my mom yesterday and my daughter went with me. It does help for someone else to be there. When we first arrived, she cried as usual after she greeted us. She started on "am I going to have to live here all my life?", there are no young people here", "this is an old folks home."I hate it here", on and on while she was sobbing. There was that awkward silence. No one knows what to say. We listened and my daughter told her we didn't want her to be alone He response is always, "I am alone here, no one checks on me, blah blah". To her defense, she is 68 and everyone else is between the ages of 82 and 93. One of the ladies has alzheimers and can't remember much at all. She has trouble having conversation, but that is one lady. The other ladies are good in their mind just older than my mom. I do understand how she must feel, but I do also understand my mom cannot be alone anymore. What to do? It is an everlasting question in my mind. I know it is best, but I feel so guilty because I realize she is so young.

When we arrived on of the staff was leaving. She told us my mom hadn't had any lunch and they tried 3 times to get her to eat. My daughter told my mom she was hungry and my mom refused any lunch. We both order something after I did her hair hoping she would eat. She did sit out in the community living space with us while we ate, but didn't take a bite of anything. Which after what we have been through--her getting down to 79 pounds last summer, one meal isn't going to hurt her. She is doing so much better than last year so she thinks she can do it on her own again. I keep telling myself, NO she can't. If I let her go back, she will go down hill again. Yes, the money is going fast and she knows this. That also makes her nervous...--and me too. Why is it so hard when you know you are doing the right thing? That should just be a good feeling, not a guilty feeling.

I am having so many mixed emotions. I know it sucks for her. I know it must be terrible knowing you can't drive, you can't get out on your own, you can't go shopping and make decisions, you have to chose from the menu what you are going to eat, afraid of the shower, smother when you get your hair washed, can't understand what has happened to you, go from a 2500 sq ft home to a one bedroom apartment and all your belongings in storage...the list goes on and on. I TOTALLY get all of it, but we live in the here and now. This is now and what has happened we have no control over. She regrets selling her home everyday and she thinks if she didn't sell her home she wouldn't be sick. How do you explain to them that's why they sold their home, because they were sick? I have but she doesn't believe it. I do feel sorry for her even though she pokes and jabs, but I cannot change the situation.

Overall, the visit went much better than the prior ones and today my heart hurts for her. The emotions are just too much, one day I am so nervous I can't breathe, one day I am so angry I could bite nails, one minute I am so full of dread I could choke on it, and today I am somber with sorry. Keeping up with the emotions are exhausting. I must go to work now. I am going to get ready and put my smile on for the world. Have a great week.

Jeweltone - We've all been on this bucking bronco ride. It's exhausting and nauseating. And you have nothing to show for the energy it took. Not even a tshirt.

I would ask the facility your mom is in to have a pastor or counselor to come talk to your mom. And a psychiatrist. Seriously. Having that outsider/third party person come do active listening and guided response (I won't call it correction) can really help. And if the talking doesn't work, then there are some really great meds in this day & age.

Change of any type - even something we would think is insignificant - to a demetia patient is monumental. They no longer have the reasoning skills to self soothe or put it in perspective. So, to some individuals, every change is the end of the world forever and they get stuck in that spot. Please know the behaviors you are seeing are not of your making or your responsibility. It's brain change.

Also be prepared that you are going to see more of this kind of thing. Just expect it. If it improves through time, counseling, or meds, then HOORAY. If not, you know what it's coming from. From a self-care standpoint for you, this is going to sound mean, but I don't intend it that way. To run this marathon, you're going to have to save your energy for things that matter. Your daughter, yourself. This means you have to make yourself stop spending so much emotional effort on mom because that is not a situation that will improve by your tears. It takes time to learn how to detach with love, but it can be done. Practice, practice, practice. It's a hurricane bunker in the raging storm.

All you can do is validate what she says/sympathize: No mom, this isn't how any of us thought it would turn out. I'm as surprised as you are.

I try to (pointlessly) turn the conversation with my mom: You look better than you have in 25 years. The diet you hate and this environment is clearly doing you some good. You could barely get out of bed and up & down out of a chair when you came up here, and now you can go like the dickens with your walker.
With my mom though, she is chronically embittered and has always purposefully sought the negative in life. She has never been capable of positive thinking. Doesn't stop me from trying though.

You can say things like: I wish I could make things like they used to be! I would if I could.

You can move her around the facility, to look at the pictures, down a hall, see what's over here, over there, etc. I think sitting still one on one with each other, is sometimes a recipe for a terrible visit.

My mom mourns a reality she never had. She misses her house, which was a pile of cr_p. She never took care of it, it had holes in the siding, the roof leaked, there were critters, the well water was so sulphurous it corroded the water heater, the dishwasher, the sinks, the toilet, & shower stall. It was flithy, smelly, dark, and dirty. She misses a house that existed 15 years or more ago, that was new, bright, and clean right when she moved in. (It didn't stay that way long though). She misses being able to do things she never would do when she could. She refused - quite angrily - any invitations with church or the senior group to go on trips or see sights. She hated visitors. She stayed on self-imposed house arrest for almost 2 decades, eventually turned into a real shut-in, and is now complaining about how nobody takes her anywhere and she's stuck in prison. Whatever mom. Complaining is her native form of communication.

Guilt is pointless. You are doing all the right things for your mom and you have nothing to feel guilty for. You are going to have to train yourself not to let those toxic thoughts of regret, remorse, grief over lost opportunity, etc to rob you of your resilience and joy. It is work though, but it's absolutely imperative.
Choose happiness. It will take you far and it isn't forbidden.

Jewltone, that's exactly how your describe it -- the roller coaster of emotions, and the frustration of feeling guilty for doing the right thing. AND, I'll add, being powerless when the person who needs to accept/adjust/adapt the most, refuses to do so. Absolutely nothing you can do.
It is so exhausting. The only thing that helps me is distance. The less contact, the better. When I have enough time between contact with my mother (and now, her neighbor as well, yeesh), it's like finally get out of a rip current, feeling the water around me begin to calm down, and I can ride the waves back to shore again.

Jeweltone, I undertand the constant emotional rollercoaster. I feel for those who are able to just cut them selves off completely they are heartless. For those of
us who deal and deal wit this in the home, and out I have been told there is a special place for us in Heaven, which I choose to believe. I am glad your daughter went with you, just another person to even fill in some words you are tired of saying and listening to. Unless one has done this, knowing the day to day pain, frustration anger and tears is impossible. I have had pancic attacks, when it just gets to be too much.
My mom as well can be mean, she finds fault in so much, it does just wear me out. I still deal, clean and do everything until I just can not anymore. At the point I choose my life and health, I shall have to tranfer her to a memory faclity. I had her go in last year for one week, for some respite I much needed, I took someone with me, knowg I would feel so sad. I did, I just started to cry, I knew I would feel as if she felt she was being abandoned, and I was bad daughter.
I was lucky, she did well, and the place was new and nice. GUILT IS WHERE SO MANY FO US ARE LIVING WITH. Why, I have had some people ask, and I can not explain, or I start to cry.
You as well have a good week. Bless You, Jazmine1

This is so helpful to read, you guys. Our confusion and guilty feelings are like laundry that keeps needing washing. But as someone here once said, Would a "good" mother want you to feel so upset by their behaviors that YOU get sick and suffer anxiety attacks, and waste the life you have? No caring mother would really want that. But a sick mind full of anger, bitterness, regret and confusion can find revenge or a sick kind of pleasure in knowing she is inflicting some kind of pain on whatever joy or health you have left in your life. Carrying resentment and anger of my own in response to this is like getting her dis-ease!
Be Thoo Yogi of constant calm mind. Whew! No easy feat.
One has to denounce everything you learned since you were born. Can we replace "good daughter" notion with something else we can live with? How about
"I live my life the best I can. I evolving in my lessons of compassion. I take care of myself and am learning how to take care of others. I struggle with my own ego but I know I can transcend it with my inner spirit." Whatever you have to do or say to yourself to cut the old record of no boundaries, abuse, and unkindness dealt to you. Some day we will come out of this unscathed, and free. I am working for that day, every minute: trying all kinds of things.

Counseling, having time to myself, cooking a new thing, whatever!
Let's keep sharing what works to feel good about ourselves and how to help our parents without hurting ourselves. I do believe it can be done. I am only learning.

Juddabuddhoo what you wrote was beautifully written and made me feel better after another exhausting day with my mother. I get so irritated with her, impatient, and stressed every time I am with now. We used to love to go shopping together but now it is such a chore. She is so slow and can't make any decisions for herself. She tells me the same things over and over or gets obsessed over something and will whine over it. Today was I wish I could... Woe is me... I was very discouraged when I got home. I had things I wanted to do when I got home but instead I laid down on the couch and zoned out watching the t.v. Everyday I say I can't do this anymore. I liked what you wrote and I just wanted to tell you that it made me feel better after I stopped crying. Thank you for your wisdom.

Helpful! So helpful...I come here each day and read. I may not have all the words to write each day, but I do read. This is almost my sanctuary of release. The place I can come and know I am NOT the only one who resents, despises, and feels so lost due to a crippling disease of the mind. Even though I can see the changes in my mom through my eyes, I still question so many things. She is so sharp in so many ways, but yet gets so confused over so many other things. That in itself confuses me.

My visit on Sunday with her and my daughter being my armor for the day wasn't too bad and has given me a bit of peace this week so far. I had to tell my mom of some things we have handled with my grandmother's estate and I was DREADING that with bold letters. Now that is over for the time being, I do feel better. I am trying to tell myself It is what it is and nothing more and nothing less. I do not have control over certain situations and this is just one more of them. She is too ill to handle everything so I am doing it in her place.--add that to my repertoire. She would be so overwhelmed and anxious. She has questions that I know she wouldn't have if she weren't sick. She keeps wanting to know why we don't split the money right now. She knows she can use it for care giving. We have tried to explain to her it can't be split until everything is settled. She thinks we are trying to cheat her.--one more round of guilt to carry. If she were well, she would understand this.

sweetpeas--I can so relate to being discouraged after a visit and coming home and pretending nothing needs to be done. I am like you, I will have a list of things I am going to do after I leave my mom--from cleaning to just sitting on my patio for relaxation. Neither of those things are accomplished because I am so overwhelmed I can't clean and I am so anxious I can't relax so I just sit or walk around the house looking lost as usual. Sometimes or most of the time I do get on here and just write my thoughts. It may seem like time wasted, but it is time well spent for me. I may not get anything I wanted finished, but I do feel I have accomplished something--release. The woe is me comes out of my mom EVERY single time I talk to her or I see her. If I call just to check in, she always says something to make me feel guilty because I have a life (her words) If I say, "I just got in from work, or I am going to cook dinner, or something about what I did or need to do", she will ALWAYS say, well, at least you have a life. UUGG! YES, she is right, I do have a life and why do I feel guilty about that? I want to enjoy my life without the guilt. My mom is young as I have stated and I know I have a long time with her to make me feel terrible about wanting to be happy so I know I need to find a way to get rid of the guilt and start living my life like I WANT to and NOT the way she thinks I should. I have been told this can go on for 20 years. Think TWENTY years. Good golly. I can't tell you how scary that is for me. Jazmine: I want to become heartless if that's what it means to walk away. I do not ever want to be a mean, hateful person but I do want to get some gumption about me to NOT care so much. I realize the way I am, caring and compassionate, is how I am, but I also am a pleaser. I want to please. There, I said it. I guess it measures my worth and NOT being able to please my mom makes me feel worthless.--Even though I don't really believe that statement, after I wrote the first part it only made sense to me. I do feel we measure our worth by what others think of us, especially our parents. We always look to them for approval. I still can't find approval from HER. I am trying less and less though, which makes me proud of myself. It wouldn't matter if I became president, she would find something wrong with how I was elected. HA!--not that I would ever want to be president. :-)

Today is peaceful and tomorrow is Wednesday--a day I usually call her being the middle of the week. I am looking forward to the days I do not have to call or visit. The days I can just smile and say, "what are we going to do today?" or LOOK: my house is cleaned and I have everything done so I can sit on the patio and enjoy the sunshine. Sounds so simple, you say, why don't you do that now? Well, I ask myself that same question on a daily basis. Her name is mom......

Thanks for sharing about not being able to get things done and feeling overwhelmed. Often I am the same. I think we are overwhelmed. There is so much emotional baggage attached to what we are having to do and it robs us of energy. Our parent(s) occupy a big space in our heads - too big - and I am sure bigger than if they were "normal" parents. Part of the job of self care is to reduce the space they occupy in our heads, to think about them and their issues, and our issues with them, less. Work on reclaiming that space for something else you like about your life. It takes time and energy. It is good to be a caring person, but not to the extent that it harms you or hinders you from doing other things you want to do - from enjoying yourself.

That is where detaching comes in. It isn't easy, but it is our path to survival. It helps to get rid of the guilt, which is due to your parent's dysfunction, not yours. It doesn't belong to you. He/she planted it in you, and you can pull it up by the roots and get rid of it.

Jewel, you have come a long way. Not being able to please your mum is also a part of her dysfunction, not your abilities. Feeling worthless, being people pleasers, is all part of the way we have been brought up in our dysfunctional family. We do form part of our self image by the picture others reflect to us. In a normal setting that works well. In our families, where we experienced FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) we have to re educate ourselves about ourselves, and look to the feedback of others, and stop seeking that unattainable approval from those who cannot give it. It is not easy. I find myself remembering the small snippets of positive interaction with my mother and enjoying them and applying them to my "self-image bank" and kicking out the negative stuff.

Remember you don't HAVE to call her or visit her unless you decide to. Get rid of the FOG. (((((hugs))))

I stopped following the logic of "Mom needs ___, so I have to derail my plans to do ___ for her." I kick myself for having been on demand for all this time in the first place.

I broke my elbow 3 weeks before moving her, and there was not one word of concern from her. She sat on her butt and watched me pack and stack her house up with that injury. After getting her up here, I had some toe surgery. The day after - not even 24 hours after - there I was moving the same crap out of a storage locker into her apartment that came open, simply to expedite her exit out of our house. Of course my toe got infected and took extra long to heal, and will always look funny now. I have a permanent numb spot on the bottom of it from overdoing it too soon. My elbow will never be the same. I hurt my OTHER shoulder and neck doing all this, but again - not one whit of interest or sympathy or anything from her. She even said it was all my problem, not hers.

So. 2013 & the first quarter of 2014 brought the wind that blew out the FOG for me. I do what needs to be done and that's it. I stay out of the reach of her gravity because she is a sucking black hole that destroys everything that gets too close.

I walk out of visits less upset every time. Less annoyed by it. Less bothered. It has been very difficult to get to this point. Very difficult to just accept it will never come out even. Yes, she got away with 40+ years of abuse to me. Yes, she got away with everything she ever did to anybody. There will be no psychological satisfaction for me or anybody else over this, so I stopped pursuing it.

I will be glad when she has no more assets, no more cash, and the nursing home is collecting her social security & dad's retirement directly. That will make even less work for me to deal with.

Wow, I just laughed out loud, Sandwich. The big black hole is a perfect analogy!! That is exactly what my mom is, the Bermuda triangle. I usually use the term energy vampire, but I am stealing the black hole that sucks everything in that gets too close. Love it!! She has definitely sucked me in for the past 46 years. I am hands up, eyes up reaching for the opening to get pulled back out. I feel I am closer than I was, but still a long way to go. I also say I will be glad when there isn't anything else left to be tied to her-- her bank account, her retirement, her stuff in storage and my grandmother's estate. I hate to see it go down the drain, but it is sucking me down with it. The constant "how much do I have left?" "What are you spending it on?" "I am not going to have anything left if I stay here." On and on. It makes me a nervous wreck to be responsible for something that wasn't mine in the first place. Could I use it? Would it help my family? YES, to all the above, but it is hers and she needs it for care giving and a place to live, because she is NOT coming here. I don't care how much money she has, it is NOT enough to pay me to put up with the nastiness everyday of my life. I already put up with it, but it is not in my face everyday and I want to keep it that way. When she is out of money, it will be do not pass go and go straight to "jail" aka nursing home. Then she will get $40 a month out of her social security and hopefully by then she won't know the difference.

I truly was hopeful we could build a home with the sale of hers and mine. I was going to have her own space and take care of her myself. I knew we could do it with her paying half of the bills--which would have been less than AL or NH. Now, I am SO glad I did not do it. I could still use a new home for my family, but not at my emotional health.

Emjo: You are so right about the space she takes up in my head. Way too much!! Just when I try to clear up some of that space, I think about needing or should I call her and other things that need to be done for just her--medicine, bills, bank account, AL fees, etc. I try to only deal with it once a month and I have somethings come out automatically.

Sandwich, I am also so sorry about your injuries and all you had to do during those injuries. The thing is if you hadn't moved her then, you may not have moved her at all. Catch 22. I pray each and everyday God will bring peace to my mind. He brought me peace 2 years ago when I didn't have to worry about her driving to my house out of the blue and giving me an attitude when I didn't deserve it. I know He will bring more peace. It is just the human part of me that is so impatient. I want it today. I don't want to feel guilty anymore for what is not my fault.

I start back to work full-time next week. I am trying to enjoy my days off this week cooking for my family, watering my flowers, and visiting here with each of you!

Emjo--the "too much space in my head" thing is a great perspective. I get this overwhelmingly awful and anxious feeling when I am around my mother and have done something that makes her the least bit unhappy. Like tonight, she simply called me on the phone and asked me if I was out and about. I told her I wasn't but asked her what she needed. She didn't want to tell me, but good little girl that I am, I kept asking until I found out she was hungry and wanted a baked potato from Wendy's. I was so tired from work and a long week, but I got it for her. Then she was acting kind of depressed I think because she felt bad she asked me to go out of my way for her. But had I not gone, I think it would have been lots worse. This mother daughter connection is so amazingly strong and weird--great some days; incredibly unhealthy, draining, and damaging on others. My whole life I felt as though I had to say and do exactly the right thing. If I didn't, she would spell out for me exactly what I should have said or done. I always needed to make a good impression and be relatively perfect. Now that she is 87, I feel more obligated than ever to be perfect for her and it is robbing me of happiness. I am preparing to retire, and she will literally suck the life out of me if I don't fix things ASAP. I am so sick of feeling this anxiety. I am getting better, though. A little itty bit at a time, and you are all helping. Sandwich--that is just awful. We all have to, have to, have to take care of ourselves and not feel guilty about that. Your situation is just awful--you are harming yourself physically as well as emotionally.

I am always waiting for her to let me know she is pleased with me. At the age of almost 62, that is just plain pathetic. I feel like a puppy that waits forever to get patted on the head. I also get this guilt feeling when she reminds me (relatively often) that she feels she is going to die soon. ARGH!!! I want my head to be free for positive and healthy, happy thoughts.

I am going to go back and read this book--I am telling you--it has helped me so much: "Will I ever be good enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers," by Karyl McBride. If anyone else reads it, please let me know if you can relate to it as much as I do. It elucidated so much for me. At least I know I am not crazy and that I am not alone.

Although she is 87, she is quite capable of lots of things. She still drives, but is very unsteady on her feet. I have to find that balance of being there for her but not taking away her independence. I realize that I am pretty controlling in my own way. I feel for Jeweltone because her mom is just a little older than me and could cause many years of grief. Come on, girls--let's do this! We have to take charge of our own happiness. One step at a time. I feel better when I read your entries and when I write. Sorry if I am rambling. Know I am grateful for you all.