Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
If you get physical temper-tantrum like responses, then you have to start being creative. It's not devious, it's creative. Safety is prime directive number 1. When a person loses their reasoning, they are no longer safe.
This is when you schedule a neuro-psych evaluation, and do what you have to do, to get mom/dad there. Bribe, lie, cajole. Say they have to go in to get government benefits. Or to get medical proof they are OK, so everybody will leave them alone! "Yes mom, I know you're totally fine. We need the doctor to sign a paper saying that and he has to do some tests first. This will really put the whole thing to rest for good! Then we'll stop & get a treat at the bakery."
This takes guts, grit, and more determination than anybody ever expects. It's tougher than tough. So many parts of this feel wrong, backwards, and upside down. This is a modern phenomenon because people didn't live this long in the past, and when they got sick, it was something that took them pretty fast.
Hang tough. Do research on this site. Ask questions. Come vent.
That check is hard to write out every month, that's for sure, but I appreciate what she's getting for it and that I get to keep my job, family, and home life. I will say that I wish more of what we pay went directly to staff vs. administration!
Went there today because I had made an appt for the other lady to do her hair. I went because my mom asked me to being the first time she let her do her hair. She even complained to the lady about how she didn't like the AL place. Uggh! I just sit there and rolled my eyes to the girl doing her hair. After getting her hair done, we go back to her room and my mom said, "she looks like a witch". Oh my gosh!! I said, "that's not nice", "why would you say something like that?" She said, "you don't think I am nice anyway." No, she is so right, I think she is nasty, mean, hateful and very ungrateful. I did like you have told me, I changed the subject. I said, "would you like me to do your nails?" she said ok. We did her nails and went to the patio. Each time she would complain or say something I didn't like, I changed the subject. I am afraid I am going to run out of subjects. hahaha! :0. I stayed about two hours and she told me I didn't ever stay long that I always had something else to do. I agreed with her for once and didn't make excuses. I just told her when you have kids and a job, it is the way it is. I was proud I just went with it.
I wish I didn't have POA and someone else did. I don't like being in charge of all this. I went to the bank last month with the notion I was going to move some money and I chickened out. I just couldn't do it. My worries are that she will want a statement then she will prove to herself I am cheating her. --even though I am not, she thinks I am. I just couldn't do it. I know it is what I need to do though. The government, the AL, and the nursing home are going to get everything if I don't act quick.
I think it is great to have this virtual support group. I am grateful for it and all those who have responded to me. I do love my mother but her negativity and her level of neediness are difficult to manage for me. Someone else might do a much better job of not dwelling on things, but I do, and I have this awful anxiety. I have a wonderful husband and a good life, but this weighs on me morning, noon, and night--all the time. I think I am the one who needs to change, but it is so hard!
YES, You can do it!!! No excuses. Self pity for a few minutes or an hour might be ok for venting. Come here to vent. We'll all cheer ya on. Then cut it off and be determined to control your emotions, dear yogi. God made you a free person.
I don't know why we have this darned karma but we still can rise above it.
Prayers for your recovery of your higher Self.
Whatever you do is successful if it gets you out of a visit without being traumatized. It's a learn as you go process and some techniques will work and then they won't. You just do what you can and call it good enough!
There's no bonus points or awards for perfect caregiving anyway. There's no caregiver Olympics because every day caregiving is like running a marathon. What happened yesterday doesn't matter today and neither does tomorrow!
When mom was in a wheel chair, when she would start in on me, I would just randomly change whatever direction I was pushing her in. I'd suddenly turn around and go the other way in the hall (not sharply, to give her whiplash, just suddenly). This would be enough to derail the negative ranting. Or "hey - what's over here? I haven't been over here before..." I mean this is not like trained PhD level stuff here. It's desperation from one moment to the next, but sometimes it's successful. You will surprise yourself with what you can come up with once you let go of expectations for yourself and your mom.
Maybe that's how I get through it. I have no expectations for anybody during a visit. It's one moment at a time. Sometimes there's talking. Sometimes there's crabbing and complaining. Sometimes there's awkward silence. Whatever. When it's time to go, I go. If I get through it without either one of us needing to be sprayed down with cold water and a valium dart to the haunches, then that's fine with me.
Some days you're the Road Runner. Some days you're the Coyote. :-D
I like the roadrunner and coyote... and you are so right, it doesn't bother her, because she wasn't sitting around waiting for me to come with medicine, she was out enjoying herself. I am hoping to start doing the same (even though she thinks I do it already)
When Mom broke her hip she had to go to AL for a Month. She also told my husband and me that she hated it. We went to see her one night and caught her playing cards with a group and laughing. We did not even let her know that we were there. We went home happy. Next morning she called and asked where we were because she was so lonely. Staff tells us she only complains when we are there. Well, you get the idea. Good Night. Cheryl
We are on similar paths in many ways. Learning to establish boundaries, and claim a little more distance. Seeing clearly what the interactions with our mothers are all about. It's a real eye-opener for sure.
This weekend was an interesting time for me. More drama from my mother (over the phone on Friday afternoon), insisting we return her car to her. I didn't call her back. Any contact with her literally makes me sick to my stomach. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate at work. Her dementia aside, she's just toxic and bad news. So, I ignored her phone call, and decided to consider just not having any further contact unless/until I felt comfortable and confident that it was the right thing to do, in a practical way. If it was related to her safety, then ok. If I needed to contact her for some task that required it, then ok. Otherwise, NO contact.
Sooo...we sold her car on Saturday night. All proceeds will go into her account. Done deal. Thank goodness.
Her birthday is Wednesday, and I spent a good deal of thought on how to handle this as well. This year, 2014, is turning out to be a year of 'renouncing' a lot of things. And acknowledging birthdays will be one of those things. It was the first year my mother did not remember my birthday (in April), and it was not just a sign that she was declining further, but it was also liberating and a relief for me. Like one more string was being cut, and it actually felt good.
When my brother proved himself after that to be completely unreliable and only interested in the Bank of Mom, I decided not to pursue any contact w/him, to stop the Happy Birthday emails, and so on. There was no big blow up, because he's never around, and hardly never contacts me anyway. I just decided, no more.
And now, I will add my mother's birthday to the list. If she does happen to notice (odds are very slim), she will not remember later anyway.
And I am MUCH, MUCH better off, knowing that I'm doing the responsible thing for her, but keeping AWAY from her.
I can't tell you how many times I have dreaded holidays, birthdays, or any type of get together with my mom. It was always drama with her too. This past year she forgot my birthday, my son's, and my daughter's. She didn't even bring it up and neither did I. I was so happy. I have still brought up her birthday but I am hoping soon I won't have to. The only thing is where my mom is now in AL, they will probably do something for her as they have the other residents. That is okay though, I will just join in and not be responsible once more.
I will tell you this has been a long time coming for me. As I left the assisted living today from my visit, the director told me she was proud of how I am handling things (I went to school with her and she knows about the situation). She stated she felt I was starting to realize more and more about how to handle things. She also told me some things I should say to my mom, but I am not quiet there yet.
Good luck to you and I will keep posting--it helps me tremendously and hopefully it will give you and many others the strength to move forward as well. Here's to a good life ahead!!
She got on a subject today that I do not like to talk about...money. Shew. Wish I didn't have to deal with the money. She is so afraid I am spending it or that someone is cheating her. Her mom died a few months ago and she keeps wanting to know when the house and stuff will be sold so she can get her part. I see it as selfish, but I do understand her worry about needing it to continue to live at the AL. I always, I mean all my life, had to walk around certain subjects with her. Now, it is about MONEY! I loathe the thought of it. I have shared with her what I spend--for her, and she always gets confused and the next time we talk about it, she comes up with a totally different amount or something. I have shown bank statements and that always causes her to be upset--so I stopped. Yes, it goes fast and she just doesn't understand. She also thinks back to when her money would draw 10% now interest rates are ridiculous, but she doesn't realize it is not the same. Therefore she thinks I am not being smart with her money. JEEZ! I wish I had someone to just hand it to and be done.
Besides all that, I was still able to leave when I wanted and didn't worry about what she thought or the words coming out of her mouth as I left. She also started about me not taking her home with me. I told her she could come and visit, but she would have to come back to the AL. She didn't like it one bit. I would have NEVER said that before, but like I stated, I am learning. In a way, I am afraid to bring her to my home, I am afraid it would be hard to get her back. My mom used to come visit and we would cookout and she would spend the day here prior to her getting sick. It has been since February 2012 since she was here. That was the last time she drove and the last time she looked like herself. The last three years we have known something was wrong, but the last two, showed us what it was.
I know she wishes things were different and so do I, but it is what it is now. The here and now is what we have to go on. Not yesterday, not last year and not tomorrow, but right now. Tomorrow is a new day if it is granted to us. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!!!
The answer is in the truth. I say that knowing that when our lives are so invaded with this caregiving, in or out of the home, we know and those who care that we are just so aggrivated, tired and wish this loved one could just see how much we are giving, and giving/knowing that the reality they will not remember, and sadly get worse. Our job has to be at some point the advocate, not the child. I am not saying we do not stop visiting,doing or careing, yet we have to take care of our lives, health and if one has, which I do not families.
I love the word try,I realize how many times I have tried to get her invloved, help her to understand and hope she sees the light. The asnwer is she will not see how this hurts us, makes us cry and fear for thier well being. If, and say if we have done all we can do, from the outside, in your case,than it seems that just advocating is where you may need to be. I know you are saying " easy for you to say" yet, is not easy for me to say.
I have been doing this for 7 years,and given a lot of my life up to do so, I am near the point that I will hava to move into a memory care facility. I have been asked, when do I think this will happen, as I was asked the other day I just started to cry and say, when I am ready to give her to other's, and care for her from the outside walls. I am just not ready to let her go. Yet, when I do, I shall watch over her, and advocate.
This does not mean I will be happy, and I know she will not be happy at that point, I shall cry when I leave, and be tense when I arrive. I am human, and from what I gather so are you. I can say be strong,yet it sounds like you are trying your best.
Take Care, Jazmine!