Is it normal she's so negative?

Mainemom my mother was finally diagnosed as your mother was. Her old doctor had her convinced that it was just old age (she was like 72) and did nothing about it, then when he finally did he gave her a prescription and said here you go it may work for you. So what did my mother hear? She said the doctor said this medicine won't work anyway so I won't pay for it. She is now 76 and I just now got her properly diagnosed and on meds. It was the guy with the Alzheimer's Association that helped me the most. He is the one that told me what type of dementia she has and that she has lost the ability to reason and make decisions. And here we were trying to explain what was happening .....! I have appointments every week with the Alz. Assn. they really focus on caregivers and give lots of advise. I learned a lot about it from a book called The 36 Hour day by Mace and Rabins. It covered most of the questions I had, even about legal stuff. This is all new to me and I feel so alone. Of course since I am the one living here and making everything happen (taking car away, getting diagnosed..etc) she is blaming me for everything. I don't really care about that but I do have a sister that keeps her distance if at all possible. I too get depressed and I have to make myself get out of it. Today she is threatening to check herself into a nursing home (oh if only that were true) she screams and yells at me and then goes over to the neighbors house (that has been stealing her blind for the past 3 years) and she fills her head with more bull. Ugh I'm needing a Calgon moment!

Capitalgirl: I am glad this is helping you understand things a little better. Being here has really helped me in so many ways. I feel I am growing back into the person I used to be for my family...maybe even better. The guilt, oh the guilt. Wish it didn't exist. Unfortunately, when we have a conscience then we feel guilt. Guilt that we can't fix it, guilt that we want our life back, guilt that we just feel like we do.(all those nasty feelings). It is OKAY. It really is.

I went to see my mom today, well, debbie downer showed up. The visit from last Sunday was great after I said my spill, then today she wasn't hateful to me, but it was my fault she was there (assisted living). She went on and on as she was crying..."you brought me here", "I begged you not to bring me here (no she didn't)", "you told me I couldn't stay home anymore"--(that I did, not alone anyway), so much cannot put it all here. I really became frustrated, but didn't let it show. I asked her not to blame me. She did say something relatively smart though--she stated there was something wrong with her brain and she don't know what happened to her. I try not use the term dementia (she has frontal lobe), I just agree and tell her I am sorry this has happened. She cried and the negativity started all over again today. Complained about everything. She started complaining that some of the girls (workers) that used to come in her room don't come by very much anymore, well debbie downer, can you blame them? She is always woe is me, poor me, look at me, what about me, what if you were me....WHAT ABOUT YOU!!!! Sorry, I really want to scream that at her.

Looloo: No you will never make her happy. I am seeing that with my mom. She does look for me to do that, but it can't happen. I have tried literally everything. She says the same things no matter where she is. Long story short, my mom sold her home of 18 years--started complaining of the neighbors, getting paranoid, HAD to get out of there__this was pre-diagnosis, post retirement. I didn't have a clue where we were headed. She found a house in another county on a golf course--did I say golf course? yes, my mom hated golf..Ha ha. She bought a brand new townhouse on a well manicured golf course must I say a beautiful place. TWO WEEKS after move in, my mom complained about the neighbors, was paranoid no one liked her, oh, I think I heard an echo. The same exact thing as before. She put it up for sale and 6 months later, I moved her back to the county she just came from --she even tried to buy her old house back. oh yes, she did. He wouldn't sell it to her. She bought a newly built home and moved in. ONE week after move in: I hate it here, I got to get out of here, the neighbors are crazy, the movers stole my jewelry, this place is awful, the air/heat wont work (well, you get the idea). She stopped showering, wouldn't eat, and stopped driving. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I called her sister and told her I think I know what is wrong. DEMENTIA: I called a clinic that is renowned for this type of illness. It took 5 months to get in. in the meantime she was calling 911 in the middle of the night to get her out, several things. Luckily we got in and they put her in the hospital, then rehab and I moved her to her mother's home close to me for one year of hell.--you guessed it, get me out of here, I hate it here, the dogs bark all the time, the neighbors constantly mow the yard, on and on. Then now she is in assisted living and hating it once again--Pete and Repeat!!! This all sounds so fast, but it has been a long, long journey that is never ending. I try to remind her of everything, but she denies so much of it..well, maybe she really doesn't remember.

Now my mom lives in assisted living with two storage buildings full of furniture that came from a 2800 sq. foot, well manicured home. This is all just stuff, but she is struggling with what is wrong, so depressed, and so sad. Sad it is, but this is her new life. I hope for her sake, she doesn't have to suffer for a long time. My wish for her would be she could truly forget things and maybe she would forget how miserable she is. With frontal lobe she may never forget because like MaineMom stated, it affects reasoning skills, personality, decision making, senses, planning and short term memory.

We are all in the same boat and let's keep paddling together and the shore shouldn't be that far away.

I have a lot of guilt too if my mother isn't happy. It seems like whatever I do for her isn't enough which makes me feel really bad. I have a family too except my kids are a little older 18 and 15. It must be really hard to do all that extra caregiving when you have little ones at home. One thing I am going to start doing is keep a daily diary to help vent my frustrations and stress. My husband gets really tired of me telling him every little thing that happened when visiting my mother. Keeping a diary too may help to not take my anger out on my family. We'll see :)

Vjohnson I can totally sympathize with you. I also bought that same book shortly after she was diagnosed. It was helpful to me too since I didn't have much knowledge of the disease either. That is good that she was formerly diagnosed so you can explain why she is so forgetful etc. And she will qualify for more services with this diagnosis. Unfortunately there is no cure for dementia and progresses slowly over time. It's really hard to see my mother go down hill and when she doesn't understand something I know it is not her fault but still baffles me and stresses me out. I pray for patience everyday!

My mom also complained about where she lived, moved, and complained again over & over. I noticed on the third move that her complaints were the same each time - verbatim. Now after her 4th move, the complaints have appeared again. Mom's have the bonus component of tinfoil-hat paranoia. She always says "Everybody's leaving xyz!" Everybody was leaving the neighborhood in the city. Everybody was leaving the country town. The doctor's office. The pharmacy. The eye doctor. Then it was her new apartment near me. She had not been there a week and it started. "I heard the staff talking in the hall. Everybody's leaving here like ants in a hill". Now it's in her care center ward - everybody's leaving. Oof. If one person moves off the ward, everybody's leaving. If she sees an ambulance, everybody's dying and she's next. (What are the odds you'd see an ambulance at a senior residence and nursing home?) If shifts change, everybody's leaving. It starts to wear on me, so I have to ignore it. I mark it up to her OCD, her dementia, and her chronic embitterment. It will never change, but I can limit my exposure to it.

Absolutely we can limit our exposure to the madness. I do have to go back on Thursday because the hairdresser is coming to trim my mom's hair. Two times in one week is too much. My mom is too much. I want to go on vacation with my family and I am having nightmares about what she will say when I tell her I will be gone for a week..here is what will be going on in her mind (well, now with no filter, out loud) "thought you were broke" "didn't know you could afford to go to the beach", "I haven't been anywhere in years", "that's what kids do, they leave their family and go on vacation". "leave me stuck here in this place". On and on. So, it is almost easier not to go. I went and stayed the weekend away with my husband for our anniversary, big mistake to tell her. For a month or longer I had to hear how I went away and shacked up with my man for a weekend. She made me feel so dirty...Haha. My family hasn't been on vacation for 4 years. The first year we didn't go due to my son tearing his ACL and having surgery, then the last 3 years have been taking care of her. It will be a WELL DESERVED vacation, but once again here comes the guilt.

My mom being 68 always makes comments about the other ladies and gentlemen that live in the AL. She will ask me, "have you ever talked to an 85 or 90 year old woman?, they don't know what you are saying...Really, mom? Some of those 80 and 90 year old people know more than she does at 68. She tells me over and over it is like a nursing home. Hardly!! It is a nice place (building) but her mind is an awful place to be.

Jeweltone - GO ON VACATION. Do something really decadent and fun.
Trust me. And allow yourself to BE on vacation when you get there.
Happiness is the best revenge. Happiness is a really healthy break from the normal guilt/stress/anxiety of all this. You'll get used to this feeling and will stop allowing other things to take away from it on regular days.

My mom did/does the big guilt-trip when we travel as a family without her. When she lived in another state, it was hilariously outrageous that she would expect us to go down there and get her first. We're 1800 miles away! Now that she is here, she expects to go along on everything - especially if it's a trip that would make no sense to bring an incontinent dementia patient along with us. Like hiking around Lake Superior. Or sitting in a hot beer tent for a weekend for a music fest. The answer is just a big fat unapologetic NO.

You take care of yourself and your family. Stop depriving everybody else because your mom might get her nose out of joint over it. You are all adults, so you get to make the calls these days. She can just lump it.

I mentioned to mom once that I do not recall any of our family vacations where we brought her parents along. Ever. We didn't ever go out to eat with them. Ever. So why does she expect to be the third child in our family?

Make those plans and don't look back.

PS - I'm taking my own advice and going away for a music fest weekend with my husband. I am not even telling mom. She doesn't need to know. There is literally nothing that will happen that would require me to stop vacationing to take care of it, short of her actually dying. Anything she needs is handled by the care center. I am free and I am going to enjoy my weekend dadgummit.

Great advice sandwich42!! I have gotten away with staying the night or two somewhere and didn't tell her. I also thought of telling her I had to go away for a training for my job and I might take my family with me. Oh who cares, I need a vacation! Ha! My mom doesn't expect me to take her (well, she doesn't say that) but she doesn't want us to go because she can't. --make sense? clear as mud?

Enjoy your music fest in your hot beer tent...you will have a blast!

I don't tell my mother that stuff at all anymore -- not that we go anywhere too far, for too long, too often, lol! I can't stand her pity party anymore. I even lied last Christmas and told her we weren't getting a tree, because I could tell by the way she asked, that it was all about how SHE DIDN'T HAVE a tree, so if we did have one, then we should abandon our happiness and be miserable for her. She hasn't had a tree since we were kids. She's selfish on so many levels, it boggles my mind.

Looloo: I am with you. My mom throws so many pity parties I can't keep up with them. It is so funny you say "it is the way she asks". I can't tell you how familiar that is to me. It IS just the way my mom asks things that I know what is next..poor me, look at me, what about me. Monday on my visit she started talking about shopping-about how she used to go every Saturday and shop and how she can't get out anymore, blah blah. She looked at me and asked "where do you buy your clothes"' I told her I don't really shop much ( I actually try to wear the same thing when I go see her because she gets out of whack if she thinks I have on something new). Then the conversation gets into, "well, at least you can get out", at least you aren't caged up like an animal. Really?!? you are NOT caged. I have asked her many times to go to local stores and she says the same things "they don't have anything here in this ole town"--(it is a small town compared to where she lived, there was a mall and many strip malls)--my town is quaint and has a few maybe 3 stores. Or she will say, I can't walk anymore --yes she can. Here is something else that drives me crazy: She will try to make me look bad by saying, "I asked the other ladies where they get their clothes and they tell me their daughters bring them to them." First of all, I DON"T believe it, I believe the ladies already had these clothes when they moved in and one lady goes out on her own and shops still. Second of all, I have shopped for my mom MANY times over these past 3 years as she lost weight and couldn't wear her own clothes. She may have kept 3 things total from all that time. She NEVER liked anything I brought her, only the pajamas and robes. Never the clothes. I told her I wasn't shopping for her anymore because she didn't like what I bought and she said they didn't fit that was all. How she doesn't remember... My mind is boggled too. My mom won't get a tree anymore either. I put up some Christmas stuff 2 years ago for her and boy did she get mad. I had to take them down. I don't understand why they CHOOSE to be so miserable.

It is Sunday once again. Today is the day I go do my lovely duty with my mom. I get so anxious and sitting here wishing I didn't have to go. I know what you are thinking--you don't have to. Well, you are so right but my conscience tells me I do. The sun is shining, it is a beautiful day and it is getting ready to become cloudy with a chance of angry granny and debbie downer. Just needed to write it down. I am hoping for a quick hair do and zippity do dah out of there.

jewel - I sympathise. I am travelling once again to mother's city to do what has to be done - in this case to meet with the psychiatrist and social worker, I don't want to go - I REALLY don't want to go. I am tired of planning so much of my life around my mother's needs. I won't even see her as she doesn't want to see any of us, which is a plus, but it still means a trip down, more nights in a hotel, taking with people who don't seem to take in what I am telling them. She isn't going to settle down, she will continue to make crises, they may as well ship her out of hospital to whatever facility she is next going to as this is life as usual with mother. Re clothing -they want me to buy her more washable outfits She isn't wearing the outfits I have already bought her. Christmas decorations - last time I sent her a floral arrangement for Christmas she b*tched about it so I haven't sent anything more. They don't want to be happy - they want to b*tch. I don't want to be around it.

Thanks for your entries. So it's Sunday. My beloved temple has moved too far away to attend like I used to. I crave time to relax, to commune with God either in a meditation group, alone in my apt, or alone in nature. Conflict: What about Mom? She's cooped up in her nice apt on a beautiful day. First tactic: wait until it's so late in the morning that she already took her short walk by herself. I start getting my late breakfast, the shower, take my time. Now wondering what to say to her.
Feeling torn between just doing whatever I want and feeling like I could take her somewhere today. I need quality time alone and exercise. She talks non-stop and is so annoying, insulting, or such a brain drainer. If I hope for a fun time, a quality conversation, of course I am disappointed. Doesn't happen anymore. Ok. Time to call her. It's 10:30.

Tactic 1 worked. She already took a short walk, doesn't feel good but wants something to do later.
Tactic 2: Fine. The freedom bell is ringing. "I'll pick you up at 1:30 and we can go to the dollar store and places like that." success! She ilked that idea and I could go for a short hike!

I discovered a new short hiking trail, had my quiet time with God and a few of his insect friends, got home, made a big salad and then took my happy mother to a new thrift store. She was delighted at the surprise. We took our time, had a lot of fun. She was happy looking on her own while I wandered on my own. I kept checking back with her which she appreciated. We ate out at a buffet place on the way home an had a really wonderful day!

So...not too bad. Called first to see if she needed anything. Don't know if you recall the "nasty" candy I took her and she told me to take home..she wanted more of it today. I got the candy, her medication at the pharmacy and went for the visit. I did her hair and she actually asked to sit on the covered porch. Had a nice visit--other than she wouldn't hush. She talked non-stop today. It beats her hatefulness, but it was pretty annoying. She admitted today that she sits on the porch with the other ladies--now the truth comes out. I want to say "it really is ok to be happy for once". I just didn't want to get anything started. She also admitted today she is having a hard time remembering things. She told me she can remember way back but is having a hard time remembering what happened earlier or the day before. I then, for a short moment, did feel sorry for her. I agreed with her about the dementia and told her it was ok and I know it must be frustrating. Then very quickly she changed the subject. I stayed around two hours and when I told her I needed to go home, she actually thanked me for doing her hair and told me to be careful going home. Well, now, what do I think of that? I hope it can last. Now, the complaining was still there about somethings but today was tolerable.

emjo: It is difficult when our days are scheduled around "them" even when we aren't really doing for "them". My mind is consumed day after day. I do feel some freedom now she is in AL. It has only been 4 months since my mom's move and I am hoping I can get less and less discouraged through each day. I hope my mind gets less and less consumed with what needs to be done for her.

juddhabuddaboo: You are welcome, I hope when I write it helps others understand they are not alone because coming to this site, so many others have given so much encouragement. It helps me to write it all down (even if it all doesn't make sense) it helps me and if it helps someone else in the process, then I am even happier. I am so glad your day went as planned or maybe better than you expected. Now, you can enjoy the evening in some sort of peace and face tomorrow without looking back.

Good night friends.

Good Monday morning to you. Took major steps to talk and reconcile with my sisters yesterday. I must admit, it felt really good. My parents are elated that we have come together that doesn't mean we don't have other issues, but it's a start! Have a great day! God bless

Thanks to the eye doc, Mom can now see clearly in her right eye. Who knew it was so bad that she couldn't read a wall clock. We're thrilled she can read again and thought she would be too. Not.....when I told her I'd get her the latest books in a series she loves, she turned it down. She's bound and determined to be miserable. I'm going to put a couple word puzzle books and paperbacks in her drawer so she can read without me knowing she's doing something fun.....oy.

I just don't get why one feels they MUST be miserable and make sure the ones who are there for them are just as miserable. No one gets Brownie points for this behavior in Heaven, if there is one. It's bad karma for them. What do they get out of this behavior? Pity? Then they wonder why everyone avoids them.

I pray every day I never get like that!

juddha, it's the old saying "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." What my mom gets out of this behavior is that all of the grandkids have pulled away, as have a few friends. The few relatives that listen give her the pity, sympathy, outrage at how awful her life is and how badly we're treating her. Me, I think it's a shame to be unable to enjoy a good book because you refuse to admit your body is changing. My kids have instructions to call me on it if I ever start sounding like her.

Maybe their ego is just indignant about it all. What bothers me most is the percentage of aging people getting like this. After struggling to be whatever they strove for, why are many elders destroying all the good and leaving earth with sour faces on their loved ones? Is this really a physical ailment? Or is it a stubborn ego that wants to punish others who are still younger and happier. geez.

Why has it never occurred to them that to be loved and remembered for kindness is an achievement and is best for everyone?

In my mother's case, her ego is everything. She's not interested in relationships, she just wants attention. She doesn't want conversation, she just wants to be the authority, to have an audience. Anything she wants to talk about takes the form of a mini lecture, or a complaint (it used to be hostility disguised as teasing, but I think cognitively, she can't do much of that anymore). If she can't get praise or admiration, she will do the opposite and play the sympathy card. She wants things done for her, but if there's any hint that it's because she's no longer able to do them herself, then it gets very tricky, and handling her denial, envy, and resentment is soul-sucking. She doesn't offer sincere appreciation--in fact, she'll minimize or ignore whatever efforts you might have made on her behalf. She tries to guilt-trip and is full of self-pity. Everything is nothing more than a transaction with my mother. What she wants or doesn't want, if she's momentarily satisfied, or not, at any given moment.

What do they get out of it? Narcissistic Supply. (google it)

These people have such under-developed senses of self they rely on the outside world to validate everything. Some even fret that if they are not getting constant, non-stop narcissistic supply they might stop existing. This is something I personally can't get my head around. I'm not going to stop existing because I'm alone in a room. But, this certainty of mine is not true with the NPDs.

It's very existential. They have a physical self, but not a "soul" as I'd call it. We would think that if you need constant praise, attention, and validation, shouldn't you be nice to the people you want it from? These folks don't know how to do that because "nice" requires that you recognize the other person has feelings and is worth some level of human dignity. If you can't recognize that the other meat-bags standing around you in a room are people too, then you really don't have a foundation for sincere niceness. You can learn to fake it and force it though if that serves a purpose.

Remove that narcissistic supply and you get raw, pure narcissistic rage (google it). And we all know what that looks like.

"If mama ain't happy, then no one is happy"...LOVE IT! It is so true. I have used that at my own home many times, but I never thought to say it about my mom. How true! I am like many of you and very tired of her not being happy. I CANNOT make her happy and neither can any of you do that for your mom. ....and how right you are juddhabuddha, "they wonder why people avoid them". Wow, does people avoid my mom and she knows it. She will say, "so and so used to come in my room and sit on my bed and talk to me and now she just stands at the door and asks me what I want to eat". If only she knew why. Telling her would only make things worse, she would think I am telling her what a bad person she is and the pity party would get started. I also pray everyday I do not get like that. I pray for a healthy body and mind. To be trapped in their mind must be terrible--well we know it is because they let us know and I sure do feel the effects of it.

I am so happy to see you and your sister are starting the process of making amends. Peace is a life necessity. When we have to hold in so much it is like drinking poison. Slowly it is eating away at your mind, body and soul.

Take the books and read them yourself, enjoy and get the last laugh. When I went yesterday to see my mom and do what I think is "right", a man came to visit his mom. My mom said there he comes. He comes EVERYDAY. (I told this already, but....) He didn't stay but 10 min and left. She was disappointed I saw he didnt stay long. I asked one of the workers later and he does NOT come everyday. My mom makes herself miserable believing to herself he comes everyday and I don't.

Father in Heaven, I pray to You to watch over each one of us and keep us safe from the afflictions of dementia and keep us healthy in our minds and our bodies. I also pray that You will also make our land of afflictions fruitful. --In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

I just saw the other posts about narcissistic... YES!! my mom needs validation from everyone. This has been a life long journey for her. She was always "perfect" to everyone. She NEVER let anyone see her as imperfect. She kept a perfect house, had the perfect job (always head of everything), talented (really was though), and tried to have the perfect kid. When I would do something or even my kids would do something she didn't approve of, oh wow, she really went off. When my dad left her is when she really started letting her issues show. She was embarrassed that her perfect life wasn't so perfect, but of course it was him, not her. I was married and she was alone, oh no! How would she do it? She held on pretty good until about 5 years ago. I truly believe this narcissistic quality does cause dementia later...and our parents are proof.

Oh my, this is all so familiar. Last summer when mother was in hospital she met the family of her room mate and told me what a lovely couple they were and how much they did for their mother. And that they were going to visit her - didn't happen.

They don't get how they affect people, and make up what they want to in order to explain why others stay away. Narcissistic supply indeed. That is what mother is after with her current hunger strike. I would have thought that the psychiatrist would get it. She is refusing food - or was last I heard, but is still drinking and taking her vitamins. It is almost laughable. She said she was taking control. Of what I am not sure. It is an attention getter. One of these days she will go too far, but she has survived her own self created crises for 102 yrs so I suppose she will survive this too.

You are right, loo - it is all or 99 % transactional. I have a very few memories of a "normal" healthy interaction with my mother and fewer with my sister, A couple of years ago I admired a bracelet mother was wearing -a narrow bangle of gold and mother of pearl. She took it off and offered it to me saying she had another identical one. No strings attached, no undertones, no you owe me now - she just gave it to me in an rare act of generosity. I treasure those few memories. They help.

I asked mom one time if she wanted to be remembered and missed, or did she want people to say "ding dong the witch is dead"?

Her answer: I don't care. I won't be here.

Another time I asked her why on earth would she not work with me on future planning her old age? Why do you insist on making it as hard on me as possible?

Her Answer again: I don't care. I won't be there. (She always insisted she'd not ever need care and would simply drop dead in her house.)

Nice. So there it is. If there's nothing for her, it doesn't matter. I don't matter. The inconvenience to anyone because of her doesn't matter. That was when I realized I had been carrying around a big bag of resentment for a really long time. And I had to work on that, not her. I'm a long way off from being done working on that big bag.

It does matter and she doesn't want to admit it. She wants (just like the rest of our moms) pity. "I don't care" is another one of her pity tactics. Poor me, what about me, woe is me...ME ME ME!!! Let's take that big bag and pitch it in the lake. I have a big bag to that is weighing me down too. Anger, resentment, haste, and all the words in the thesaurus pertaining to "them".

I feel like I am starting to sound like my mother. Shut my mouth. I do NOT want to sound like her, be like her, or even look like her.--(even though I do look like her) I hear her voice and I cringe. I can see those looks she gives over and over in my head. When I think of something fun to do or when I wonder what life would be like...I see her face all soured up and those eyes piercing right through me. Oh do I hate the look/looks. The look of "you should feel guilty" "what are you thinking look" the look that says "I could choke you".

Today I have had to tell myself, she is ok, stop thinking about her and her misery. She makes me miserable and I haven't even talk to her since Sunday. WHY I ask myself.--because I let her--because we let them. STOP!! NOW!!

Sounded good anyway. Ha!

Once again I have done a good deed yet to be noticed. I called my mom tonight and tried to talk positive with her. She asked me, "when were you here on a Monday?'" I told her last week. This week I came on Sunday. She asked why I came on a Monday.--why may you ask? I DON"T KNOW. I told her I came on Monday because she didn't feel like me coming on that particular Sunday. What in the world? I have been confused as she is. HA HA! Then she started crying and asking me if I could get her out of there..(AL) I told her it just wouldn't work her being on her own. She said she was there by herself--no she isn't. Anyway, I told her she wouldn't eat, was afraid to be alone, etc. Why must I explain myself?--Let me tell you people, you CANNOT reason with the unreasonable. She said, "I could move in a little house or something", and I told her no in a nice way once again. Then...it was, "well, alright then" "bye", click. The phone call was over. That has been 6 hours and I am still trying to wrap my brain around it. I don't know why I feel bad, but I do feel bad for her...maybe because she doesn't understand, or may because she really cannot stay alone or maybe because I will NOT be able to go do for her everyday again and I will NOT want to. Either way, I feel bad. If I could have one wish right now, it would be that my mom forget everything. She wouldn't realize how miserable she really is.

Good night all...

No, you can't reason with someone who has dementia. The word dementia is the literal opposite of reason. From Latin, from demens, dement- ‘out of one's mind.’

When mom would get her facts all mixed up and start demanding I make sense of it - usually quite angrily- instead of doing that, I just respond with "we are all just doing our best to get by." Over & over. You don't have to rationalize anything. It's a response we've had since birth, to explain ourselves to parents. But that isn't a good idea most of the time anymore.

Then I immediately jump to "It's going to be OK. You are going to be OK. Your job is to just relax and stop worrying." I realize this is a ridiculous statement on my part. Relax is not in her vocabulary. Never has been. Anytime there was quiet time or we were supposed to be on vacation, she would just sit there, wringing her hands and holding her breath. How long can a person hold their breath? Apparently 77 years is one answer. I have never seen anyone else in my life do that.

Today mom started Seroquel to calm down. No amount of prozac and anxiety meds were doing the trick. She may be 5 feet tall and 200 pounds, but her low center of gravity can hit you like a truck. I'm curious to know if she has side effects, or if it will help.