Is it my responsibility as an 18 year old to take care of my grandmother?

Your Dad is the one who should pay for her care and not put this pressure on you. This is not your responsibility. You are just starting your life and you don't want to have any resentments toward your family. Good luck to you!!!

Oh my gosh honey, this is so not your responsibility and it is so unfair to put this kind of pressure on a young woman. First off I think you should give yourself a giant pat on the back for even putting up with it this long, I don't know a lot of young people who would have your patience and kindness. Second, I don't understand why your grandmother isn't at least in disposable underwear and with a mattress pad, that would at least cut down on the spread of the incontinence mess and would make daily life easier. Your dad, who I'm sure is just exhausted and worn down by guilt and stress and pressure, is very wrong to tell you that if you want a nurse you need to hire one. You are being paid an obscenely low amount of money for doing the work that professionals charge a minimum of $35 an hour for, and you are not a trained professional and should not have to deal with this. The beautiful thing about being young is feeling young, being untethered by these concerns and worries and just enjoying your life and youth while you still have it. Your grandmother either needs to move to a facility or have a professional caregiver, because the situation you're in now is very unbalanced and will result in you and your mother and sister burning out. It is not your responsibility in any way to shoulder this weight, and my heart breaks for you. Your father needs to step up to the plate because it's his mother. He needs to realize that he is using his family inappropriately as basically free labor, and he needs to establish a more permanent solution for your grandmother. In addition, this needs to happen quickly because when your father becomes elderly or disabled he cannot expect you to step up to the plate again and give up your life to take care of him. I would suggest contacting your local council on aging adults and asking for advice. I would also suggest sitting down with your entire family, as many members as possible so you have support in the room, and explaining everything and how you cannot deal with it anymore. I wish the absolute best for you, you are so young and you have so much living to do, make sure that no one stops you from experiencing life instead of focusing on aging and death far before your time. Good luck sweetheart, much love.

Call counseling of aging to help you also. Your 18 tell your dad to kiss your *ss because you need a life also. This pisses me off because I did exactly what she is doing and I lost my mind and had to get help from a nursing home.

NO this is not your responsibility. Please check see if she has C-DIff it's a problem with the stool and has a very bad smell. How old is she? I would also let whoever needs to know that paying you $20.00 not enough. I had to pay for my dad to have someone come in the mornings to help and paid $500.00 a week any nursing aid would charge. Best thing to do is a nursing home I hate to say it but it will get worst for you.

I am dealing with this as a new post to avoid it getting submerged in a long stream. It’s in reply to Vila11, 3 hours ago, a new poster who is ‘caring for her partner’. No other information.

She says ‘Why do we have families in the first place if not to care and nurture all the members?’
The idea of having a daughter so she can care for you in your old age is disgusting. The idea of having a child so that she can care for your own mother free of charge is so disgusting that the jaw drops.

She says ‘True families do not toss their elderly off as long as they can manage’. This shows nil respect for the large number of posters on the site who agonize for weeks, months and years caring at home until they are thoroughly burned out.

Let’s hope that we don’t hear from her again! At least, certainly not like this!

No its not your responsibility and honestly, the responsibility falls on your father but he is refusing to put her in a nursing home even though clearly she needs to be in one. Its really not fair of him to make you do all of this so a serious discussion needs to eventually be had. If he has the funds, I dont see why he wouldn't come to that conclusion himself to put her in a nursing home.

Perhaps if you move out soon, you can remove yourself from this responsibility and then maybe he'll realize he cant do it all himself either. The fact that he said you should pay for a nurse is ridiculous - matter of fact, he should be the one paying for a nurse. $20 is nothing.

Things getting heated here. Let's reset.

While I respect Maddie's way of the OP researching & presenting solutions in an adult way. I disagree this IS the solution. Why?

Because the responsibility does not lie with OP & sister.

Nor do they have the authority to make their solutions happen.

I come to this from personal ecperience. I volunteered to help - when I needed to withdraw I did as you said. Researched, found solutions & presented the info. Was told NO.

So I learner the only thing I could change about the situation was ME (not others).

I said no, withdrew my help & THAT was what forced change.

Willimia, I have a daughter the same age as you who just graduated from high school in June. She was very involved in her school, like you, a member of the cheer team and the snowboard team and other activities. College was important to her, too, and she wanted to build a résumé that would help her get into the best college possible. My daughter helped me tremendously with both of my parents who had dementia. There were days when she resented taking care of them, and there were days when I hated having to ask for help. She would watch my parents for an hour or two occasionally throughout the week. We communicated our schedules with each other to see what would work most fluidly. And some weekends I had to be gone for 16 hours straight, and those weekends I paid her by the hour the going rate. She actually got a fair amount of homework done those days and sometimes her friends would come over.

This worked for us because we consistently communicated with each other. We were open, honest and, most importantly, empathetic with each other. Remember, your dad is suffering through the decline of his mother. She was his rock in his life and he can no longer depend her. My sister is 65 years old and facing terminal cancer. She lives 1000 miles away from my mother. All she wanted to do was go see her mommy. Our mommies bring us comfort and love unlike anybody else, and even as older adults we crave that attention. Your father also sees his mother suffering and I’m sure he sees you and your sister suffering. He feels overwhelmed and does not know which way to turn.

You are 18 now, so in the eyes of the law, you are a full-fledged adult and are expected to act like one. Your father sees you as a child. My daughter was most effective in her communications with me when she approached me as an adult. This means she collected any information she needed and made a cogent case for herself. Your grandmother gets feces everywhere, which is not uncommon when dementia is poorly managed. Contact your local Alzheimer’s Association and find out as much information as you can about your grandmother‘s dementia, including what stage she is at, and what resources are available. Get your sister to help you do this.

I learned an important lesson in life when I was volunteering for an organization. People don’t want to hear your problems. They want to hear your solutions. Come up with some solutions on how your grandmother’s care can be better managed for the family as a whole. All of you are suffering from this, including your grandmother and your father. Put together some options and present them, with your sister, to your father. Visit some memory care residences. The Alzheimer’s Association can tell you about the different kinds and give you a list of nearby places. Make sure you include options that are financially feasible. I assume you don’t know what your father’s income is, but the house he bought for your grandmother is a resource for paying for her care.

Your father will have tremendous respect for you if you treat this in an adult manner. As for your college education, putting together a presentation like this will make you stand out with a college entrance committees. It will show a high level of sophistication, very high organizational skills, and tremendous empathy. It will also give you some excellent skills that you will use for the rest of your life.

I really don’t think going to college or high school counselors will help you much. They are overwhelmed with the number of kids suffering through the Covid crisis and there is a severe shortage of counselors. I also don’t think you should report your father for elder abuse because you can open up a huge can of worms that may create greater problems. Talk to your father as an adult first before doing anything else. Talk to him armed with information and you will be amazed at the response you will get. Please feel free to contact me directly and I can give you some more direction.

This is not your responsibility alone , physically or financially. Why would your dad think that? There is a difference between helping out and getting dumped on.

Is your grandmother on her states’ Medicade program? Medicade has a program called In Home Supportive Services. After the client qualifies they are provided a certain number of care services/hours paid for be the state. The provider and client has to apply. Background checks etc. once the provider qualifies they get paid for their time. You can select a person from the list and it can be a family member.

My husband and myself are qualified care givers for my BIL. I believe the current rate is around $14 PER HOUR. He is qualified for about 14 hours per week. Two weeks pay is around $400. Not just twenty.

Because of lots of crazy issues we had to pay for 24 hour care for my mom at home. It was $25 per hour. $18,000 per month.

You see where I’m going here. Are you getting $20 per hour or per week or per day? You are too young for this responsibility alone. Why does you dad not help you? Are there other children, grandchildren.

Take care of you. Good luck.

I would like to add an additional response to supplement all of the wonderful suggestions about your NOT Caregiving and focusing on College.

Please keep in mind - if for some reason college does not work out, or you can't get the funds, or loans etc. Or if you are accepted and wind up not wanting to be there ...
There will still be other options for you.

There will always be other options than wasting your young life doing what your family is insisting to do.

You could look into Job Corps. which is an organization that trains young people by providing work skills and a place to live.
And another option would be the Military which would give you lifelong benefits and an excellent background.
A third option is to be a live in Nanny. Or a live in job like working in a Group Home for the Developmentally Disabled.

When I was younger, women would marry to get out of the house. I don't think that is as common now as it was back in the "old days."
Or, even moving in with a lifelong friend to get a fresh start while job hunting.

I am throwing out these options because I know how expensive housing has become and how difficult it is to get a fresh start without any help in today's world.

The important focus is for you to get out of that household and live your life. Of course, College is your first and best option. But, please remember that there are other options to staying in that house if College doesn't work out for some reason.

Never give up - because there are tons of options available for you in your quest for freedom.

My concern is that the father seems to need to have power over and control the lives of his two daughters, as well as his wife. This situation is bad for everyone involved - Grandma sounds terrified and rage is how she shows it. The current arrangement benefits your father - he doesn't do much direct caregiving, or have to spend any of your grandmother's money, or his own.
I would suggest talking to a school counselor, being aware that a report to child protective services might be filed. Educators much more familiar with that process.
A report of suspected elder abuse or neglect would be the best path - and the identify of the reporter is not revealed. Use the computer at school to find the local area on aging. Federally funded, this is how to locate the programs that can help you, your sister, and grandma. Protective services can determine if grandma is being neglected (definitely yes, by your description) and coax/force your dad to arrange appropriate care at home, or other interventions. They do have the power to go to court if nothing is being done. Often just the 'threat of being taken to court" motivates changes.
Eldercare Locator is at https://eldercare.acl.gov and enter your zip code.
Take good care of yourself. Will be thinking of you.

Its time to get the authorities involved so that you can have a normal life. I don't know what culture you are but there has to be some dignity there meaning you all can't take care of her the way she should be taken care of. No one wants to be in that situation of feces actually if Dept of Human Services would come in they would put your grandmother in a place where she would get taken care right.

Is she in diapers if there is feces all over I bet not and with someone with dementia its hard to take care of them I know this from experience it will get harder as the time goes on. I just lost a brother in law from covid but he had dementia and was in a nursing home because we couldn't take care of him right he was doing the same as your grandmother so putting him in this nursing home gave him the best care possible. I am a caregiver to the other brother who has dementia and the stories never go away. He isn't this bad but it will come a time where we will put him in a place.

The strain on you I can't imagine what you are going thru. Get a counselor to help with your feeling please. Talk to a school counselor tell them what is happening they may have suggestions that will help you and your family.

Your father has to step up to the plate it. Its on him if he wants to keep his mother there its about time he gets a professional in to take care of her. Your grandmother should have funds to take care of her.

Maybe its time to do a strike all of you that are taking care of her. Let your father be the one to take care of her to see what all of you go thru. I bet he would find someone or find a nursing home that will keep her clean and watch over her.

We have cameras in my BIL's apartment to watch over him maybe that is something you and your family need to do too.

Prayers that you get your life back. Prayers that your father gets someone in there to take really good care of her.

Dear Williamia, I’ve been thinking about what you do next. Knowing that your mother is Japanese and has the strong ‘cultural’ obedience thing makes it easier to understand how this has happened. Was this a reason why father married her?

I hope that you have now found a counselor. Also that you have been able to check if your Father’s mother can control her money, that she knows what is going on, and whether alcohol is playing a part in this. All those things help to provide you with factual support.

But what next. The first thing to realise is that Father cannot actually force you to do this care. You don’t have to go next door, or do what you are told. If your sister is willing, she can do the same. Father can’t actually manage this situation if you stop doing what you are told. You can just stop. You don’t have to be rude or to argue about it, just go on silent strike. For your own sake, perhaps don’t get to this point until the end of your school term. You don’t want to mess up your education more than you have to.

Father may tell you to get out, stop you eating, or mess up your bedroom. That might be the turning point for your mother, and he certainly can’t manage without her backing him up. If he threatens you, attacks you physically, or effectively forces you out of the house, you (and sister?) go immediately to the police station. Tell them what’s happened, with a best summary of everything that seems to be going on, including the house next door in his name and also your Grandmother’s money and alcohol abuse, if you have verified it from her or you suspect it, and his justifications and threats

The police will probably go to see your parents, and if necessary find you welfare accommodation. But like I said, Father cannot continue this if you (and your sister if possible) go on strike. Your mother will probably be very upset about the ‘shame’ factor, and could well be pressing for a sensible solution.

I hope it doesn't come to this, but it is well worth remembering that your father cannot actually force you to do this. Be brave!

No, it should not be your responsibility. I think it's terrible that he's putting that kind of burden on your shoulders and you might want to consider leaving and never coming back. It should be your dad's job to arrange care for her. It sounds like he is seriously using you to do it since he claims he can't afford it, or doesn't want to pay out the money to put her in a home.

I am so angry on your behalf I could spit. Your father is emotionally abusing you and your sister. You accepted terms that might have sounded good to a 14-year-old, but the situation has changed from an occasional assist to almost full-time care of an incontinent adult with dementia. A LOT of people on this board couldn't do this either, and they've been adults for a lot longer than you have. Your father is trying to save money through your efforts because he knows that she is a handful. If necessary, it sounds like you're working. Try to find a friend who can rent you a room or let you couch surf for a while. If this is the actual situation, you're not being appreciated at all.

Oh I am so sorry for your predicament. It is a hard call but you left out so much, finances! If your father can afford to buy his mother a house he can surely afford a full time caregiver for her. You are an adult and have no legal responsibility OR obligation to care for his mother. The kindest words that come to my mind about your father is that he is selfish and inconsiderate but I am thinking much worse of him.
It sounds like he is treating you like he was treated as a child, child abuse comes in many colors. It IS illegal for him to make your 15 year old sister do this. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your dad or if he’s paying your college tuition etc but think carefully about what you decide to do. Take into consideration what, if anything, he pays toward your education and put that into your decision. If your applying for scholarships it doesn’t sound like it. Keep in mind that you are 18 and after you graduate from high school he might tell you to move out. Apply for a scholarship that will pay for housing too.
I wish you all of the luck this universe can offer. You are going to have a rough go of it for a while but I know you will come out the other side a better person no matter which path you choose. Just stay true to your heart.
love and light

Willimia: Imho, the absurdity of seemingly being taken advantage of by your own family is wrong on so many levels. As a fourteen year old, turned eighteen years old, you are absolutely NOT responsible for your grandmother's care. The "pay" is almost a moot point due to the absurdity of the issue.

In my opinion, you are responsible for fulfilling the duties you agreed to. Your other family members are responsible for doing the tasks THEY agreed to. In the larger picture, it is an obligation to help take care of your grandmother. Since you're not happy with the duties you were given and accepted, perhaps it's time to renegotiate what you will do and how much you think you should be paid - within reason. Near as I can tell, you help twice a day 2 days a week. If you don't want to help out at all, tell your father to put your $20 toward hiring someone to come in your place. Sounds like it's time for your grandma to go into a nursing home or get a live-in caregiver. Are you willing to contribute to the cost to ensure your own freedom for other activities in your life? If you want to just quit, be prepared to take on the responsibility for paying your rent, utilities, school fees, groceries and all the other expense of being an independent adult. Will your part-time job pay for everything you need?

It is not your responsibility. Its great that you have helped her but her care is now beyond what you can handle. She needs professional help or needs to go to a nursing home to get care. You are an adult now so say no. If your Dad kicks you out because of it then he will regret it. Be prepared for anything and stick up for yourself.

Dear Willimia , I would show your father this Post and Have him read all the comments . People get $30 a hour to work with the elderly . there is visiting Nurse , elder services , social workers , meals on Wheels . It is very hard work and Not Fair to a young Person . Also stressful for you to be able to focus on your studies and concentrate on your future professional Life . Your dad needs to hire some professional people who work with dementia People or Put her in a day program.

In the US it is not your legal responsiblity. May I ask what culture your parents (ie Dad) and grandmom are from? Because in their culture this may be a normal thing for them to expect. What they may not realize is that it is not normal or legal in the US. Grandmom may or may not be eligible to recieve Medicaid assistance but it is not your responsbility to find this out for her. It's your Dad's place to step up to the plate. And under no circumstances are you to use your funds to pay for Grandmom's (or even Dad's) expenses.
Time to talk to a school counselor to let them know what is going on at home so they can get you some resources and assistance. Good Luck!!

When I read this, I was just sick - you have gone so far above and beyond, you are a saint. You are in the early prime of your life preparing for your own future and that takes priority over all things. How your father could tell YOU to pay for it is horrible. What I would do is this. I would devote yourself fully to your studies and things to do with you - it is your time in life. Then if your father is so unreasonable and uncooperative, I would go to the local Office on Aging - all counties have such an office - and adult protective services for help. I don't know the finances but if she has none, she can apply for Medicaid. It can be done and YOU must never use YOUR funds to care for her. This will create horrible problems for you down the road. You might need to speak to an eldercare attorney to get some help and advice. DO NOT continue to care for her if it destroying your life and making it so difficult for you. Your father must have some responsibility. And not every human is fit to be a caretaker - I know I could not do this work and yet I am a genius in business affairs. She should be moved to a facility. Good luck.

No it’s definitely not your responsibility it’s your parents. Your at an age now where you need to focus on school and developing your interests and friendships. I feel your parents may not realize it but it’s taking advantage of you to expect you to do this. This is your parents responsibility

No. I recommend you talk with your school counselor to help you speak with your parents. Right now, your job is to be a student, not a caretaker.

No. It is not your responsibility. Put a written notice with final date of working listed, in to your father, so he sees you are serious. And then enjoy your young life!!

Every state has a Dept. of Aging. Call yours, & find out what program covers your area. If she is on, or eligible for, MediCaid, (NOT MediCare), she may be eligible for In-Home Support Services for free, or with a share of cost. Sounds like she would be at the higher number of hours that could be provided.
Who gets her income??? If she is on Social Security, by law that money goes to pay for her care, & should be used to pay for care for her. If she has private assets, above her own expenses for housing, food, her money is to pay for her care & supplies.
I think it is wonderful that you are helping to care for her. Your father needs to meet with a social worker to evaluate grandma's care needs, & develop a plan. You may have to be the "adult" in arranging for all this, so good luck. You are under no legal obligation to care for her. By the way, do you get $20 an hour? A day? As a full-time student, part-time worker, etc. your family must make you an equal partner in caring for her. Your schoolwork has to be your first priority.

I think it’s time to put your foot down. Tell your dad to use the £20 you get and use this to hire home help as you do not want to clean up poo anymore.

live your life you have done more than enough. It’s unfair of your dad to expect you to carry on. Let him clean up his mother if he wants. If that happens you can guarantee she will be in a home.

Is your father Japanese? If I were you, I would speak with him first and say you have no time to take care of Grandma....or say you only have twice a week to care for her....ie. not the constant increase in time spent on Grandma.

Smell can be cut down by wearing face mask and spraying odor ban where she keeps her diapers. Poo can be cleaned but buy lots of mats...the type used for training dogs. They are fairly cheap and put those on her chair and bed. I even put it in front of the toilet to catch puddles and poo. It will cut down on the smell. Don't even bother trying to bath her. ...that is not your responsibility and no one dies from not taking a shower.

You really need to have a talk with Dad because he will need to pay for it all and hopefully arrange for care worker to come in. Why is your Mom (step Mom) so quiet in all this. Where is your real Mom? Can you go to her place?

Willimia, check your messages. Click on your profile to find them.

NO, not your responsibility!