Starting from when I was about 14 I’ve been paid $20 to take care of my grandma on my father’s side. Since my father bought the house next door to let her move closer to us, my workload has increased from once a month, to once a week, to twice a week and twice a day while the pay has stayed the same. My sister (15) and my mom, who isn’t blood-related, and I each do two days a week while my dad (the main bread winner to be fair) only does one. This means that on top of college classes full time (I’m dual-enrolled in high school), sports, a part-time job, clubs, applying to scholarships, and maintaining a social life, I have go take care of her. My grandma is incontinent. This means I clean poop off of her sheets, floors, toilet, off of her person, in all of her laundry, and basically anything she touches. She has dementia and will often refuse to bathe and yell at me. The smell is so bad most days that I can’t help gagging. I also have to drive her to the occasional appointment and bring her food even though she is capable of walking. I’m tired of taking care of her, but my dad says she won’t go to a nursing home and if I want to hire a nurse to pay for it myself. I haven’t brought up quitting, but is it really my responsibility to take care of her so often at the expense of my free time?
He can sell that house and pay for people to come in and help if he wants to keep her out of the nursing home.
For now you are finishing up high school and living under dad's roof. You probably don't have that much left before graduating. You will probably need to come up with a plan to work and go to college. Look around for a room to rent (more affordable than doing the apartment thing) and move out when you can. It's great that you have been helping grandma - and I hope you continue to do what you can for her - but if you want to step out of the assigned duty, so be it. However, it will probably mean you no longer live in the family home.
OP noted "not blood related" for the mom. Is this a stepmom/gf situation? One in which biological ties are not part of the equation and so everyone expects less? Or is the mom/mom figure just not being an adult?
OP, has your dad filled out the FAFSA yet or is he refusing so you stay as slave labor? If so, you must push for emancipation right now rather than have it be seen that you're still under Dad's largesse some years later. Get admissions counselors involved to get emancipated. Do you have a state college nearby? Get them involved, and then go to a state university farther away.
OP also has to think about the sister, especially as she is leaving. Have a talk with your sister, OP. If you're both agreeing that her situation is abusive, all she'd need to do is sit down with a counselor and talk about the poo, the dementia yelling, and feeling trapped because she's only 15 for this to be mandatorily reported. CPS will come out. APS might show up. You know, take pictures of the crap, the actual, because no one thinks it's ok for a 9th or 10th grader to be tasked with handling that for free, except dad. This will show him it's not ok.
It is unfortunate that we're expecting someone who's barely an adult to be the adult, but she appears to be the only one in the room.
Just say no.
That is how you feel.
Don’t cave and take care of her if you detest it this much. You are going to end up resenting her instead of making any meaningful memories.
I have taken the advice of the well-meaning people here. I have sacrificed my loved one for the sake of my career and my own well being.
I have regretted it every day.
Think carefully before you step away from your family. You may need them some day.
Also, consider the main purpose of this forum. Based on the ads at the bottom, I think their main purpose is to make people feel less guilty so they will put their loved ones in nursing homes.
I truly hope you can look past the unpleasantness of caregiving, and enjoy the benefits of it instead.
You asked for advice from people on a forum, regretted it, and now you're guilt tripping an 18 year old who has been used for child labour (doing this since she was 14) because the forum has the audacity to have advertising like 99% of the internet? This is not okay.
If you read her comment, she's not asked to stop. She is asking if it is right. It isn't. $20 for 2 days. She can't work to save up money. Her life is just starting, and even though she has experience she can use on a resume for this, she is not getting valuable experience working for someone other than family. Her father says for her to pay for a nurse if she thinks it is needed. It is NOT her responsibility.
We are not brainwashed to give answers based on ads. We are a wide variety of people with a wide variety of experience. If we had suggested the other way, it's quite possible you would be unsatisfied with that as well. I would suggest if you are this unhappy to seek therapy for your own good. You deserve to be at peace with yourself.
I know first hand how hard it is to care for an incontinet elderly with dementia! The stench, the waste, the gagging etc. This must be done by mature professionals.
Let's be realistic here! YOU ARE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF! Both financially and emotionally! By your father no less! You have to stop making allowances - he is an adult, you are an adolescent! This is HIS parent and HIS responsibility! It sounds like he is happy to delegate this responsibilities to every member of his family but himself.
What he said about hiring nurse at your own expense is BS! Plain and simple! Every state has In-home service providers that are paid by the some sort of government Medicaid/Medical branch. Her primary doctor can also arrange Home Health agency to send nurses and bathing attendants as well as physical therapists at no cost to you.
But again - this is your parents' responsibility to find all these services! They are adults!
You have your studies and education to think of. You cannot throw your life on the altar of her incontinence! That is not fair to you. A father SHOULD understand this. If he does not, it is your responsibility to protect yourself and your sister. You have to sort of advocate on her behalf too! She is 15 and deals with more emotional and academic stuff on top of puberty!
You have to also understand that by making you do adult work without fair pay - he shows that he does not value your time, he does not value your work and effort. This is not NOT how a responsible parent raises his children! This might only lead to you being taken advantage of throughout your entire life! Do you want that? Of course not!
The best way to handle this is to sit down with your father. Look him straight in the eye and without anger or emotions, calmly explain that he is taking advantage of you and by doing this - damaging his relationships with you.
Make it clear to him that his actions breed contempt and restenment and if he values at all his relationships with you he must do his homework and find state funded help. Don't let him give you this "I am bread winner" crap - many people work and have aging parents to take care of! If he can afford to buy an extra home - he can afford a fair pay to you until he finds professional help.
If he calls you a "quitter", please, calmly explain to him that your are not a quitter but you have to prioritize! And your education and your social development has higher priority than cleaning s*** after his mother for the unfair pay.
You can give him a choice: either he finds home care professionals for his mother and take this burden off of you or you move out to college dorms. And tell him you will call him once a week to see how he is doing!
This is not your responsibility. This burden rests upon the shoulders if your father and his siblings (if any). You can love your grandmother and still help when you have the time, but your future (classes your taking now for that) and present (time with friends to relax) is your priority. Your father needs to be the son his mother birthed and accept the responsibility of caring for her. TELL HIM, in no uncertain terms, to get off his a** and do what he’s called to do. He thinks you won’t buck him in anyway and is counting on it. That, my friend, is an abusive father to you and son to his mother who wants to keep all of his money and not waste it on care for his mother. It’s time for you to cut the ties. Be a grandchild you’re called to be and nothing more. If grandma needs professional care and services, then that’s what needs to happen. You’re not the professional she needs.
Pay a visit to your father TODAY and tell him you’re done. Stand up for yourself!!! You are valuable!!!
Helping ‘take care of grandma’ for a teen should be dropping in for a visit and helping take out the trash, maybe doing some laundry, picking up a few items from the market, maybe pick up a prescription and having a meal together.
What you, your sister and mom are doing is serious work that private CNA get paid $20+ an hour to do. A lot of regular agency caregivers even charge extra for dementia/Alzheimer’s and extreme incontinence care for seniors. You and especially your younger sister should not be touching/cleaning grandmas fecal matter like this at all!
Your Dad is saving ALOT of money having you guys do this work. The other comment is right that grandmas money is going to pay the mortgage so your dad can have 2 houses. Your dads comment to you about paying for it yourself is cold and heartless. Grandmas money should be going to pay for caregivers or inpatient care. Your dad is seriously taking advantage here.
This is a delicate situation for you because as much as it’s not right, it’s still your family and if you go against your dad, we’ll he seems like the type to take that personally and as a sign of disrespect. Tread carefully here. Honestly you should get your mom and sister onboard and all 3 of you should unite and confront your dad. Tell him that it’s to much for all of you and she needs hired care now or inpatient etc. If he complains it’s not affordable, then sell her house to pay. Sorry not sorry.
where is your mom in all this? Why is she ok with your Dad making all of you take on these duties? She should put her foot down and advocate for you and your sister, even herself. Something seems off that your mom isn’t stopping this and makes me think your Dad is a bit controlling or manipulative.
Again, tread carefully here. Maybe you and your sister can slowly step away by getting more busy with school. You simply can’t come 2 days bc you have practice or work etc. same for your sister. Something Dad can’t argue with maybe.
Bring a Caregiver is very hard on any one. If the care is evenly split between all the Family Members, then you should help out.
Every one has work, School. Social Life, ect.
Grandma deserves help to be able to stay out of a Nursing Home.
Nusing Homes are the Pitts and really a Horrible place to live. They are all understaffed and you're left laying in your own urine and feeces up to hours, sad but True.
Most residents in a Nursing Home are dead within 6 months.
You should speak to your Dad snd and let him know that once a week would be better for you and try to get Grandma help for the othrer day.
Check with Free things offered to Seniors and see if they have a Free Day Care place.
Prayers.
why would you ever inject that notion of “if they hire a nurse they won’t pay for your college”? They clearly aren’t doing that anyway.
“I suffered so my children should suffer.” OK Boomer lol
Forgive the intensity of my response—your dad is an abusive, manipulative narcissist nightmare who has everyone under his thumb and is lining his pockets at the expense of your personal growth, self-esteem, and your LIFE.
I’m going hard line on this—-you NEVER need to respect someone who uses you like this. Take heed of this lesson now. RUN. Do whatever you have to do now to get out, because the longer you’re stuck and without job experience, the harder it is to get out of hell. WHATEVER you have to do, I don’t care if it’s a cash advanced from a credit card and a fast food gig to pay that advance off ASAP. Press charges.
My mom and stepdad were EVIL to me, so bad that I got a secret job in high school, had roommates lined up, sold CDs and books and surprised moved out 4 days after high school graduation at 17. My
mental health was destroyed and I dropped out of school the first time. I had a lease end before finding now housing (because I was 19) and asked them if I could come home to regroup money. I got charged 300 dollars a month to live in my childhood bedroom, and that was above market rate in a bad neighborhood. Your dad is one of these people. And I know how painful it is to recognize—I continued to be my moms codependent mental slave out of fear and I FINALLY had the balls to kick her out of my grandfathers who I take care of full-time now. He is nearing death closer every day. I love him and will never do this again for another person. I’m 33 and that is YOUNG in the eyes of a lot of people caregiving. That makes you an INFANT.
Your life is precious. Remember that your grandma HAD a life. I really hate your dad for you. Not only is he exploiting you financially, but he’s also NOT ensuring his demented mothers care. They CANNOT be alone after a certain point. So he’s an abuser and neglectful, and conveniently all towards women. There’s a special place in hell for this.
claim your life back now, don’t do what I did and stuff it all down until my nerves were so bad that I developed substance abuse issues despite being a completely straight edge teen and younger person. This family stuff can destroy you. RUN, and if you need escape pod resources, feel free to ask for my user name on Reddit. You have options. He’s doing some sinister 70s horror behavior. No one is cared for by him in this situation, and I know how hard it is to emotionally detach, but please do it.
AND, I haven’t played the generation wars on this board yet because I’m outnumbered, but to the Boomer fascist who told this young girl she should “obey and respect” people like this, you’re out of touch and part of the problem of deep generational cycles of family abuse. Go get therapy, it’s 2021 and we see how commonplace abuse of power is in the news every single day.
girl I wish you the best of luck 🤞🏻
DON'T STOP doing what you do and don't stop giving strong and positive feed back. It's imperative that we understand what responsibility is and not be enslaved by misguided parental standard, Keep booming PerfumeGarden. I'm listening to you and I hope that 18 year old hears you.
Your grandmother has reached the point when she belongs in a nursing home where she can receive care from trained professionals.
Remind your father that forced labor (slavery) has been outlawed in the US for 150 years.
You're doing the job of a professional caregiver. In that case, you should get paid professional wages: Between $20 and $35 an hour - depending on your location.
The "oh, end will be near" excuse is such BS. My ILs use that all the time. It's like the frog in the pot, it gets worse every day. It never gets better.
1. Department of Aging
2. Department of Health and Human Services
3. Caregivers.com
4. Ask her doctor or talk to a social work to find assistance that is available through her insurance or through social services. At 18 years old that's a whole lot of RESPONSIBILITY. I would never subject my children or my grandchildren to that much work in their young lives.
It might be extremely important that you get additional help for yourself and your 15 year old sister as earlier stated that's a lot of responsibility for a person your age.
Try contacting the Department of Health and Human Services in your area. Be sure to let them know how young you are and the extent of your responsibility. You can probably get both assistance and direction to other resources if you start there. Peace and blessings to you for being such a caring granddaughter. We hope that you can find the assistance that you, your sister and your grandmother need.
I would give up the $20 and have a heart to heart with your father. If he refuses to be rational and open to the discussion, then it's on him. Dad has a lot of responsibility too being the bread winner of the family and it is a hard and heartfelt decision to move his mom into a nursing home so have some sympathy where that's concerned, but he should care about your well being too. From what you have said about him...be prepared for him to be defensive and not so nice.
Do you think he will kick you out? Do you have a plan if he does? Just think about what you will do if it comes to that.
Take care.
Yes - it is hard. College, job, your own life - a lot to juggle. Welcome to life. It is often hard - and often wonderful. Please know how lucky you are to have a family like yours that shares in the care of each other.
You can still find much to be grateful for. When you feel overwhelmed - try to focus on something you are grateful for. This situation is temporary.
You say you, your sister, and your step Monterey do 2 days and your dad does 1. Plus he paid for a house to have his mother next door. He sounds like an amazing son.
The entire family is pitching in to provide care. This is the best possible scenario.
Nursing homes are horrible places. They are inhumane. No one deserves that fate.
Medicare should provide 3 times a week card for bathing and dressing. As to incontinence- surely pull up or regular diapers have been tried?
I have found Unique Wellness Brief Original Adult Diapers to work well.
This situation is not any easier on your step Mom, your sister, or your Dad who is working very hard to support a family.
Caregiving is EXTREMELY hard work. I understand your wish to not have to do it. That wish is not wrong. You will also be elderly one day and I pray you have a family as good as your grandmother’s.
it is up to your family to decide what is best for your grandmother. Not what is easiest.
it sounds as though her condition is deteriorating. When she is gone, you will remember with great pride what you did. You will probably not even remember the names of most of your social contacts and they probably will not be a part of your life. But your family will be.
Try , and it is VERY, VERY hard, to shift the focus from you to how can you make this other human being - who is your father’s mother - have the best possible final earthly days.
Not sure of a family religion, but try and speak to whatever ministers your family religious tradition has.
it is hard to see from the vantage of 18. But I promise you this experience will make you a more compassionate and stronger man. Those traits will create a successful family for you when you decide it is time for your own family.
Please understand that this is a very hard time for everyone in your family - especially your grandmother. Do your part. She apparently raised a hard working and living son who is trying to do what is best for everyone.
Did you catch the fact she's been doing this since 9th grade? And that her 9th or 10th grade sister is now in this? What "significant memories" do you think they will get from NOT GOING TO SCHOOL and instead being forced to clean up human feces and deal with an increasingly combative senior?
If dad was beating them physically on occasion, would you say this was ok?
Willa's immediate priority is herself and then her minor sister here. If the "mom" was any kind of mama bear, she would have stood up for them.
If it comes to the point of her having to rescue not herself but also her sister from Dad (and whoever "mom" is) then they owe them NOTHING since they have gotten NOTHING. This is heinous child abuse, and at this point they owe themselves the chance to go on, get six figure careers, meet mates in college and have their children without said children being conscripted by old sad dad in his 80s. Dad deserves no one to care for him when he gets older, unless (and I suspect) he ditches mom for a younger model.
As a very young caregiver - you are not immune from caregiving burnout.
Big huggs to you!