68 years old. Retired RN. Took care of multiple close family members till their deaths. Now 91 year old mother living alone fell Fx right humerus. Went to rehab. Got Covid in rehab. Could not put much effort into rehab. My opinion is needs assisted living/ memory care due to intermittent confusion. Sister wanted home care 24/7 aides set up by her through her job (RN)
I agreed to try..but if aides not working or showing up….I will not be the back up plan…I am done. Severe Caregiver fatigue..Have my own responsibilities at home.
Came home yesterday. Very bad condition. Cannot walk. Hallucinating. Went there this am. Aide did not show up. Reminded my sister that I would not be back up plan. Argued that she does everything…I do nothing…not true she has martyr syndrome.
Lots more to story…but bottom line is it ok to say no to a situation you thought was wrong but agreed to let her try with stipulations by me (older sister.)
My younger sister chosen as poa.. I good with that she final decision maker... But u can't erase the extra years of experience I have. It was easier when I was bigger physically
And to be truthful she is closer to him as I Moved alot and now have a chronic disease. I had more experience with dimentia and elderly from part time jobs I did as teenager and my greater medical experience from living with a chronic disease.
At first agreed to work together. But there came a time when we disagreed. I ended up putting it in writing to his doctor. I felt that was the only way I could have my voice heard. In the letter I even said that everyone had a strong opinions and wanted the best for him, but I am likely the only one who put it in writing. It did go my way which I feel good about but I am the only one who put it in writing. Doc never acknowledged he received letter. I refernced both my greater experience and specific actions by dad. My sister as the POA had to sort through his financial situations which was very time-consuming. She actually took time off work to do it. I don't know if this is why your sister feels like she is doing so much, so don't negate her contributions to your father's care. And good luck! It sounds like your mother just needs to be in an assisted living facility.
Keep a log of date and time that action prove this isn't working.... Cause when u r asked it's kind of just ur opinion unless u have facts backing it up... And over time u forget the details and just make a general statement which is not as strong as details.
Bottom line u need to get ur voice heard by others besides to u sister.
If it is not safe for you or mom you have every right to say no.
And by safe I mean not just physical safety but mental, emotional safety.
Tell you the truth had it been me if I arrived and mom was confused, hallucinating, could not walk I would have called 911. There are so many things that could have caused this from a UTI, dehydration, stroke, another fall and the list goes on.
Is it possible your sister wants to protect any assets for inheritance?
Is she afraid that mom will not get the care she needs in a facility either AL or MC? It sounds like she may not be getting the care she needs at home if aides do not show up.
Stand your ground. I think mom will be safer in managed care.
no matter how skilled and caring, a burnt out caregiver will make mistakes and miss things.
if she is in a facility which can meet her needs it will free up both you and your sister to spend quality time with her as well as take care of yourself.
sometimes saying “no” is best for everyone’s sake.
you are obviously a very caring person and people will try to take advantage of that! Please don’t let them!
But in your case, you are making a responsible and wise decision. Hugs.
it’s the worst one. You feel trapped. There’s no direction to take that isn’t going to have serious negative consequences. I don’t have an answer for this. I’m still searching for one myself. I’ve been doing this 9 years - alone - no family support. I’m not a martyr. I’m not a control freak. I’m not a dummy. I’m simply aware that the only way out is through. Meanwhile, I protect my health by staying engaged in my meaningful professional work and my relationship with my spouse & friends. I don’t have nearly enough time for them and practically none for myself. But I’m making sure this is temporary. Sorry not more helpful.
People will manipulate you, guilt trip you, to get their own way. Their own way is their responsibility and not necessarily the safest/happiest. Trust your gut.
Good luck in this difficult situation.
We cannot fully say 'yes' until we can fully say 'no.'
That you tried it is huge and perhaps what I might have done in your situation.
The POA has the final say. Who is this person?
Don't argue with your mother or your sister. Be clear on your boundaries / what you will and will not do and stick to them. If your input is not appreciated or considered, know you've done all you can.
Your sister - and/or other family members - are overwhelmed and frustrated in their own way, as you are. As long as you are clear in what you will / won't do - and stick to it - based on putting your mom's needs first, you will find peace inside - knowing you've done your best. You cannot 'always' make something logical and needed happen, even with the best intentions and the best decisions for a loved one.
Ultimately, this depends on who has decision making authority. However, this question seems more about how you feel about the decision(s) you (want to) make and doing what feels right in alignment with your values / caring for your mom.
Gena
Touch Matters
We had 2 diff Caregivers for my Dad few mos at home. Occasionally there was a cancellation and we would have to scramble moreso.. And, bc my Mom was such a PITA (pain in the ....) we had to pull him out into a Board & Care w/his own private Caregivers-round the clock for his final few mos. Doctor who couldn't pass in his own home. YOU are done! And I commend YOU! Your emotional & mental well being are the most important. You must keep going beyond all this.. YOU deserve to LIVE! Elderly should manage this when they have the capacity do. When they weaken be open and receptive to others making decisions for their best....for EVERYONE'S BEST!
Reading your post gave me strength this AM. I only lost 2 hrs of sleep middle of the night...thinking on the what next? when?
Proud of you for standing your ground! Make best decision for all of you.
Caregiving, for me, is a role I did not apply for, I'm not qualified for (my 82 y/o mother has dementia, is disabled due to anxiety, and suffers from multiple health conditions) and is never ending.
Do you owe the LO your life/happiness/wellbeing? No, you do not.
Yes, emphatically yes, it is more than ok to say no to caregiving. You have done your time in the trenches for loves ones and for every patient who has been under your care on the job.
I'm a retired RN too, close in age and I had to think long and hard on whether to bring my mom home after recovering fully from CV19 and the post-delirium. I couldn't do that to my grandkids and adult daughter who live with me, nor to myself. You know how much of a toll the nursing profession takes on our bodes; I've a spinal fusion, about to have a THR. Much as I loved the job, when we're done, we're done.
You told your sib that you would not be back-up and as nurses, you both know all about the critical staffing shortages in healthcare. You likely argued against your mom being transferred out of the hosp and to her home.
Stand your ground. You can love your mother in a hundred other ways and not be the one to deal with her physical cares. Don't feel guilt or allow it to be placed on you.
Get mom on the list for a good facility and support your sib where possible, just not as caregiver standby. She made the choice and will have to use her FMLA to provide the back up cares.
Wishing you well.
More than most, you do know your limits and have already stated them. Say no. You have done all you can.
We had a similar issue when Mom wanted to do hospice in her home. The 2 sibs who had done the least wanted to try saving the money on the 24/7 aides. The 2 sibs were actually gone in less than 24 hours, expecting the rest of us to fill in. I called the agency and told them to come back. Fortunately, they could. I think you are the smart one here.
In my heart I knew the answer.
BUT you opened my mind to something I never thought of.
My sister has her POA she is the decision maker. As the older wiser sister I can voice my opinion.
BUT in the end she makes the decision good or bad. I am ok with that as long as she realizes that it's her decision and that I am DONE!
Why didn't I think of that!
Thank you all!
Update...mom is back in the hospital now 5 days with pneumonia and UTI. Again case worker came up to me about discharge plans. I referred her to my sister the POA. Felt good.
Thank you again everyone
A few useful phrases and thoughts:
"I can't possibly do that".
"That doesn't fit in with my plans".
Consider that you yourself are a senior. Adult children in their 40s caring for elders in their 60s sometimes worked a generation ago. Today, folks in their 60s and 70s caring for the super-annuated--it's just absurd. Not good for anyone.
In elder care, there are few "good" solutions. There are only the "least bad" ones.