My husband and I have been having this fight for the last three years. His elderly father can't take care of himself yet wants to stay in his home. He can afford to hire live-in help but won't because he wants to leave the money to his grandchildren. Therefore, he expects his adult children to take care of him. All of them work and have their own families. They all take turns bringing him dinner one night a week and the unmarried son moved in with him several months ago. The son now has a girlfriend and wants to be with her over the weekend. The other children decided that when the live-in son decides to leave someone will stay with the Dad over the weekend. I resent my husband because I don't think it's his responsibility to be his father's caretaker and he does. Thanks in advance for any insight you can provide.
If you think she could do better, that's your right too - but you won't encourage her to try by being so bloody rude.
Be thankful that they want to.
While I am 50yrs.-old, I live with my elderly mother for various reasons. But when it comes time for her to need more extensive care, physically, medically, and financially. My younger brother, SIL, and their two kids will have to move back to the region. Because I won't be able to do it all. In addition to my mother. There is my father, step-mother, and SIL's parents' also in the region. Except for my step-mother who is in her late-60's, they are all in their late-70's. All three of my parents' have a hearing aid. I won't be able to drive any of them to appointments, once they lose their drivers' license. Only my brother n' SIL will be able to do that. I can't drive.
Do you think that your FIL could be evaluated someway by a Social Worker who could say or tell you whether he is a harm to himself or could be a harm to himself?
Deep down inside, I would think that...since your husband is the son...that when push comes to shove, you may be the one winding up taking care of your FIL instead. I suppose that you also have elderly parents that will need some kind of assistance in the near future.
Please, take it from one who knows...don't get caught in that "saving it for the grandchildren" copout. He needs the help and should get it, and pay for it.
GRRR! Whomever I decide to PAY... That's who!!! No, it is NOT a child's responsibility to take care of elderly parents, and doing it out of "obligation" only leads to resentment.
As so many others have said here, our parents certainly didn't do it. My grandmother lived until 81 and was still mowing her own lawn until the day she died. Yet, my Dad somehow "expects" me to give up everything and take care of him. Sadly, some of his ailments are due to his own poor health decisions (COPD).
I, too, have had the roller coaster of emotions regarding placing him in a facility. I knew early on that I wasn't cut out for caregiving. I still struggle with setting boundaries and run myself ragged trying to soothe my own guilt.
I SO wish I hadn't started the every weekend thing, as now Dad comes to expect it which means that between visiting him every weekend and working a second job to help cover his AL expenses (he too wants to save his money for our "inheritance"), I haven't had a weekend to myself in over two years...
Sorry about the tangent... It's NOT our responsibility to take care of our parents when they get older, and it's not fair for them to expect it. If there's money available to pay someone to do it, GO FOR IT!!!!
You deserve a life of your own, free of "elder guilt".
What do you expect your husband to do? Think "F**k my Dad, tell me when he's dead". His parents looked after him, now he feels he should look after his Dad. You're lucky your husband hasn't told you to "F**k off". He needs your support, not your resentment. It makes me wonder, with your attitude, whether you have other siblings who are running around doing all the hard work whilst you do nothing (and still expect your inheritance).
Also, your husband and all the other caregivers need to be paid. That includes the brother living there as well. He'd be paying for help if they weren't there, but he has the best employees possible. He has trustworthy, loving and caring people he's already interviewed.
I don't frequent this community much anymore. I posted a rant of sorts regarding my caregiving situation expecting support. Well, just like you, I got blasted by a bunch of condescending, self-righteous, judgmental, angry, bible-banging b!!ches!! No thanks, I've got enough to worry about. They can take their narcissistic guilt trips elsewhere.
None of this is easy. It's a lot of bad stuff when people get sick and die. There's also so much unknown about what to expect, etc., in every facet.
Good luck and best wishes, sweetheart. I hope you can all work together to come to a better situation and soon.
Our generation is being faced with some new dynamics. Grandparents are raising grandchildren, while still working fulltime jobs and providing support for elderly parents. Parents are living into their 90's, being helped by aging kids. We're juggling multiple elderly parents and dealing with our own health issues.
Our parents are basing their expectations of care and help on the past generations, without realizing that what was asked of them by their own parents was vastly different than what is being asked of us today. And so, we are bound to have problems no matter what we do - we run ourselves ragged trying to take care of everyone, or we find ourselves in a stalemate where the parent won't accept outside care and we can't do it all ourselves.
But I must say it makes me a bit nuts to hear this "they took care of you so now it's your turn to take care of them" with the implied "whatever it takes".
My mother is 97 and I am her only child. Only other family in town is her elderly sister.
My mom absolutely refuses to consider any outside help, even though I know for a fact she has the funds for it. I know what's in her accounts, but heaven forbid she part with any of it now. She often says, "When I'm gone, you're going to be rich" or "One day you'll get it all".
After she had a fall, a social worker suggested someone to visit once a week; my mom's answer was, "My daughter will do it".
I am in my 60's and work part-time, so I have the time to do it. But I don't feel I have a life.
Additionally she has some memory issues which means being asked the same question 3 times in the space of 30 minutes.
Add, she's hard of hearing. She has hearing aids, but they haven't been checked or adjusted for a long time. She constantly has to say, "What?", then gets angry when I raise my voice. "I don't need to spend money on hearing aids"
Do I resent her? Yes, often.
I don't have an answer but it's nice to be able to vent without being judged. Other people remember my mother as she was and don't know, because she won't go anywhere, just how frustrating it is to deal with her.
Friends ask how she's doing and I just say, "Oh, she's hanging in there".
If I told the truth and said, "Well, she's a demanding, frustrating, sometimes nasty old lady", I would be seen as a terrible child to those who haven't been through it.
There are so many x factors with your question. But I feel that taking on the care of an elderly parent can lead to a lot a of anger and resentment. It is something that needs to be discussed openly.
My situation was different. My father was older when he had kids. My mother had divorced him and my siblings went on with their own lives, jobs, families, traveling. As the oldest of my sibling group, I did feel responsible for him. I was also the quiet one and never pursued having my own family. I'm not saying it was easy to manage, it wasn't. I also had my issues with my siblings but I did try. I tried to keep in mind the "Golden rule" but even in that I failed towards the end. Try to keep an open mind and make sure the whole family has all their options.
Ok...on the question at hand...your FIL has learned that if he refuses to hire care that his children will do what he wants. So then why should he hire care? As Ann Landers used to say "wake up and smell the coffee". Until the children of his decide to force him to hire care and cut back on their free services, it will not change. Can you resent your hubby being gone? Sure...but you should examine why. Is it a power struggle between the two of you? Or something else? I think counseling to get an objective person's perspective and advice would be worthwhile before this harms your marriage. If your husband won't go with you, which would be best, then go without him.
I am in a similar situation, my father in law died suddenly 14 months ago and my husband and his sister take care of their mother who has Alzheimer's. My husband lives with his mother 4 days a week and my sister in law stays with her 3 days. I resent my husband for basically leaving me and his 2 children while he takes care of his mother who has money to provide care. I almost see us getting a divorce over it because he just don't get it. Our family needs to come first. Good luck with your situation, it's definitely not an easy situation or fix.
I've been on both sides of the coin, having come from a family of six kids, where we all honored and enjoyed caring for both our parents until the end of their lives, and neither of them ever ended up in a nursing home.
On the flip side, my husband's Mom died, and his Dad came to live with us, while neither of his 2 siblings ever helped nor visited, nor ever showed any appreciation for their little brother at that.
It often boils down to how close and healthy the family is or how Dysfunctional they are, and then it quickly becomes clear cut, how things are going to play out.
We had my FIL in our home for 13 years before it flat out became too much for us physically and mentally, and was beginning to affect our marriage adversely, so he was move to Assisted living.
Unfortunately that only lasted 9 weeks before he fell extremely ill with Pneumonia and Sepsis, and then a Cancerous Mass was found in his other lung, with mets to his chest wall and ribs, and Hospice was the only choice, as he is too old, too frail and weak to ever contemplate treatment, and he didn't wish to anyways, so he is now back in our home, On Hospice, bedbound, and waiting to die.
These are sometimes the difficult hand you are dealt, and it's up to you to decide how much you are willing to give, to support your own good conscious and values. We could send him to Nursing home to die, but that's not in our make up to do so, so we will forward our best by him, as we have always done.
A lot depends on how much help you can put together with the family, hire in, or mange on your own, but in a family where so many are willing to chip in, I would consider myself Lucky, if you have ever read some of the struggles others have gone through on this site, you would see how fortunate you are!
That doesn't mean that at some point there may come a time when it is too much even with all of the family working together, as it is a very difficult job, but be honest with him in advance, and he should understand, and if not, you still will have done your best. But please be supportive of your husband, as it is not easy being pulled in many different directions!
What you owe your parents and in-laws is honesty and respect. They also owe you that! However, many people are afraid of standing up to their parents. And there comes a point when parents, who start making bad decisions (financial, life), need to be helped for their own good.
My in-laws nearly ruined themselves financially until my husband stepped in, got durable power of attorney, and got them moved into an independent living building. He still takes care of his father but does not provide hands on care. He makes sure that his father has what he needs, and then some!
And shame on anyone who puts guilt on you for "fighting" with your husband about something this difficult. If you didn't fight about it, it would mean you didn't care. But you do care - about your husband and his father.
It is not easy to have these conversations with old people. It is infuriating how obtuse they can be. My in-laws lied to my face to get their way. It took many, many times of broaching the subject with them to get anywhere. Caregiving must work for everybody involved, and not just the elder.