Mom had been in long term care for a few months, and Dad, who has some dementia, had been maintaining at home with aides coming in daily for a couple hours. After a fall, Dad was sent to rehab from the hospital, and it was clear that he wouldn't be able to be back at home on his own (even with aides there). He was in the same facility as Mom, and they were able to get them a room together for the last few weeks. (Being apart since March was the longest they had been apart in the 54 years together, so I was very happy that they could be together for a bit.)
She just passed away last week, and when I went to tell Dad the next day, he definitely understood and was processing it, but I'm not sure how much he is retaining it day to day.
He is not physically in too bad shape, but does not have the stamina to be up and walking for any period of time (nor does he have the desire to be up and about - would rather stay in bed or maybe his chair, and naps frequently). He is incontinent, and wearing depends, and sometimes will know when he has to go to the bathroom, but sometimes not.
Should I try to get him to Mom's funeral services? I feel like he should have the opportunity to go, but given how his memory is, does it do him any good in the long run?
I am reaching out to the nursing home to see what they can help arrange as far as transport and someone to be there with him, and also get their take on whether its a good idea.
I still remember my Grandmother's funeral where my Dad had to keep walking my Grandfather (with dementia) over to the casket to tell him again that it was his wife that had passed and who's funeral it was. I don't think it was good for either one of them. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing it to have him go because 'that's what you're supposed to do', but I'm already feeling guilty even considering not have him go because its the easier way out for me.
My relatives have been very kind through all of this with them, and I think they would understand if he's not there.
If anyone has any experience with this or advice, I would appreciate it.
My answer is NO. He isn't going to remember, or may not understand why he is there. I'm sensing a tone in your words that you don't feel it's a good idea either. It's not an easier way out for you! It's an easier way for HIM. This will be too taxing on him physically and mentally.
Being in a new place even for a few hours is so unsettling to someone with dementia. Routine is vital to them, and the slightest thing can throw it all out of kilter for days or weeks. If he gets agitated or has physical issues (such as anxiety or incontinence), what would you be able to do help right then and there?
"Giving him the option to go" isn't really applicable here when he has little sense of what would be going on around him. It's a bit like taking a toddler to a funeral... they had the opportunity to go, but it means little to a toddler and they won't remember it later on anyway.
So I guess you could do something similar either on Facebook live, Zoom or the like. That way he can at least see what's going on and be able to honor his wife by at least being able to watch her service.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, and pray for wisdom in getting this figured out with your dad.
Why not have just a memorial service, in your dad's room? (if possible)
I have a bit different take on your question. I think it’s not about your father as much as you. He may or may not remember that his wife has died. You could streamline it by having an aide with him who can leave prior to it getting to be too much. My mom passed away at 102 and we had a viewing/Mass at the Church. My husband with dementia attended it and enjoyed the family interaction. If you think you will feel guilty about him not going in the future, I would arrange for him to attend
If he couldn't remember things from one minute to the next, my answer would be totally different.
I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to go to funeral. He can cause a disruption & start screaming. The whole ceremony will revolve around him..not your Mom. Have people come to the house better. He probably won’t even be able to process or understand where he is or why. If he causes a big commotion the funeral Director can ask he not participate. What if he needs diaper change? Leave him home w aides. Maybe funeral home can arrange virtual ?Hugs 🤗
My mother was at my dad's service because she was still able to walk and comprehend what was going on, or so we thought. She definitely needed that closure and she and Dad were very active in their church, so she did need to be there. However, it was clearly very traumatic for her on top of losing her husband (and caregiver) of 66 years.
I'm not 100% sure I'd have done it again, and I sure wouldn't have if she was completely incontinent.
I do think that your idea for a memorial is a good compromise.
Every situation is different, but I want to let folks know what I ended up doing. For Mom's service, we did a visitation at the funeral home for an hour, and then did a procession to the cemetery where we did the actual service. (Very brief and simple, partially because it was a veterans' cemetery, and they keep to a very rigid and tight schedule.) Then we went to a restaurant for a very small reception afterwards.
I asked the NH to arrange for wheelchair transport for Dad with an aide to be around to give him a hand if needed, and just attend the service at the cemetery. The day before, I just told him - 'today is Monday, tomorrow is Tuesday the 19th, and the service for Mom. So don't give the girls a hassle when they try to get you up and moving tomorrow' [said in a teasing way, as he is more than content to just stay where he is - this is a long-standing thing, nothing new - and he had not wanted to get up for them that day] And he was just like 'yup' and nodded - no questions or anything.
When we got to the cemetery, the van was just dropping him off. I asked the aide if he knew why he was there, and she said that yes he did, he had said to her in the morning that today was the day of his wife's funeral. I of course sat next to him during the service, and he definitely was there in the moment - the look on his face and in his eyes said it all.
Unfortunately we didn't have time for him to interact with the relatives who came out because of the way the cemetery runs the services. I kind of regretted not having him at the visitation, but trying to move him around so much, and the time, I think I made the best decision that I could at the time. He would have been happy to go the restaurant, but he eats very slowly, and I don't think it would have gone well.
Where we go now with him remembering that she is gone, who knows. He has already made a couple comments about calling her. The most important thing to me is that he was there in the moment at the service, and had a small chance to grieve, even if it was for a short while.
Good luck to anyone else trying to determine what they should do - just go with your gut, and what you know about your person.