My Mother lives alone and is 95 years old. She is a gambling addict and a hoarder. I went to work tonight and was only their 10 minutes when my son called and said grandma needs you. She has shortness of breath and is shaking. I left work immediately and there were 2 ambulances in her driveway. I rushed up the driveway and they told me she is fine. She just had a panic attack but she wants us to take her to the hospital. I said ok I’ll meet you there. I made up my mind I was telling them everything. The ER doctor checked her over and didn’t find anything wrong. He then took her socks off because she said her toes hurt and all this white dust and stuff came out of her socks. He asked when the last time she changed her socks. She said she couldn’t remember. They immediately brought in a social worker. She told her that her house had clutter and I whispered hoarder so the social worker heard me. She kept trying to talk my mom into having a nurse or aide come to her house. She said no. A few minutes later I got the social worker aside and told her she is not bathing or changing her clothes, or washing her hair, that she won’t do laundry and she is a hoarder with just a path to get around the house. I am crying and pleading at this time and said I’m sorry. She refuses help. There is nothing we can do since she is competent. She said she has to fall or something before anybody can’t intervene. Nobody is calling APS. Not the hospital or the EMTs. There were 3 of them in her filthy house. The social worker told me to call APS if I wanted but don’t be surprised if they say there is nothing we can do because she is competent. This is outrageous. I live in upstate ny and there is no mandatory reporting of a self neglecting individual. Needless to say I had to bring her back home. I got her settled in and then I left.
A relative recently left rehab to live home on her own - mini mental showed she was ok, ambulation looked ok, she's deemed competent so she went home. Within 24 hours, she exhibited signs that there are in fact cognition problems and she's back in rehab. We all knew it wasn't a good idea to go home (time for AL), but she had the right to make the call. We're hoping that now she'll get seen by a neurologist (they're usually a few months out on appointments) quickly.
Have you discussed with her doctor the fact that she is not managing her symptoms? Does SHE realize that she has a fib and understand the dangers of not taking meds?
Has the doc ordered a neuropsych exam, which will possibly show her lack of insight and ability to plan?
Folks who are still competent who realize that they are "slipping" are sometimes able to trust their adult children to make critical decisions for them. Others dig their heels in and demand that they have things their way.
The thing is, in my view, is that WE as adult children can only cajole, suggest and point out benefits of care to our parents. If they choose to ignore or mistrust us, I think we have to back off and give them the opportunity to come to the end that they've chosen for themselves.
You’re not alone. The only reason I somewhat detached is because my mom is with my brother. Truthfully, she needs to be in a facility. My brother is not well. He is a heart patient. My sister in law works full time shift work. If she were alone, there is no way that I could. Just being honest...when mom was at her house and wouldn’t answer her phone, I would hop in my car and drive over to check on her. Where was she? In the bathroom. She didn’t have a cell then.
This may sound terrible to some but I feel like the deacon that visits the memory care where Lealonnie works who says that he prays for his mom to die so her suffering to end. I think there comes a time when death is a blessing.
When my mom did home health her nurse told me about a former patient of hers that was essentially homeless. He stayed with this person and that person. One person allowed him to use their address but he would move around to different places all of the time. That is heartbreaking that the elderly are homeless.
Things needs to change with the treatment of any homeless person but especially with a senior citizen homeless person.
We have the UNITY program in our city but there are certain stipulations so not everyone will have housing. Plus, there are people who can’t navigate on their own. Think about it, Elaine. Could your mom have functioned well without you? No way! But are they considerate to their only daughters who did the most for them? Nope! It’s a puzzle that I got tired of figuring out. We did everything for our moms and got treated the worst.
In a way they are caught in limbo. My mom would say to me, “I don’t know why God is allowing me to live this long. I want to be with your father.” The other part still wants to live.
I know one older woman who tells me that she is afraid to live and afraid to die. So sad.
This situation is very similar to when I cared for my brother who was addicted to heroin.
I realize hoarding is different but it’s kind of like an addiction. Both situations are mental disorders.
Oh God, I tried so hard to get him to go to rehab. He was not going to do it. Some people do turn their lives around. I wish he would have but didn’t.
I had to do exactly as you are instructing Elaine to do. It took me a long time before I could back off. I had to let go.
I have to tell you that before he entered the end of life hospice facility, I continually felt as if I would find him dead or someone would notify me of his death.
Finally, my anxiety rose so high that I had to step away until he entered hospice. It was such a relief that I was no longer responsible for him. Hospice was.
I know. I guess I am not expressing myself clearly. I suppose I should say that I wish they could convince Elaine’s mom to accept help. It’s sad because how can being alone be better? Especially, in an unsafe environment.
No one can work miracles. They have to want it. If they don’t they have a right to be protected but of course family members want what they feel is best for them.
So, did the social worker express what others have done in this situation? It’s not like everyone can afford to hire a private sitter for around the clock. That would cost a fortune.
Elaine,
Has your mom ever had help from Council on Aging? They help with baths, preparing food, light housekeeping, being a companion for 4 hour shifts. It’s only a few hours a month but better than nothing. It’s free and I am sure that your mom would qualify.
Do you think your mom will eventually become so scared that she will agree to placement somewhere? Can she afford to pay for a few hours of sitting?
She can choose her own medical course of action. She is making a legitimate choice and has clearly talked to her doctor about this.
Go once a week and enjoy her on her terms. Don't stress.
I am glad you had a nice visit with your mom. She sounds a bit more appreciative. You are doing all that can be done. It does sound like she has accepted her fate. She sounds like a woman who wants things on her terms, for sure.
I am glad surgery isn't routinely done in the elderly. Same with medication. They don't always have to be taking more medication than is absolutely necessary.
My dad had heart surgery in his eighties due to a blockage. I was concerned and questioned his heart doctor. The doctor encouraged him to have the surgery because he could not have lived if he hadn't. He actually made it through the surgery fine. Shortly afterwards, while in the hospital recovering from surgery, he had a stroke, which is always a risk, That was tough. He was never the same after his stroke. I took care of him. He was so loving, kind, appreciative for everything I did for him. Most people are not as humble as he was.
Mom was no longer driving due to seizures and Parkinson's so everything fell into my lap. It was hard because I was raising my girls too. Sometimes I look back at my life and I don't know how I fit everything in. It is one big blur now. Somehow I managed but I think I was just going through the motions going on autopilot.
I get the impression that your life has been on autopilot with your mom. Yes, having my dad show appreciation was very nice. Mom showed appreciation at first too. I know that she did appreciate me but she started taking me for granted. That makes it more difficult. I know my mom is worn out too. She raised us and my cousins. She didn't have much time for herself. I bet a lot of women of their generation felt fulfilled by their family but also had dreams they never got to achieve.
Having posted, I then read your post about your visit - that was a big change! Perhaps the visits from FD have "enlightened" her a bit... Or maybe she's now resigned to it is what it is? Hoping that the attitude adjustment remains, for your sake. As for the medical condition, surgery probably isn't a great idea at her age, but she has had 95 years and counting. Eventually we all run out of time. Enjoy her while she's being "nice."
Your aunt sounds sweet. Lots of people don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I am glad that your aunt was understanding about the situation.
She’s going? She agreed to go? Wow! Fantastic! 👍🏻