I'm so tired of helping my parents. This seems never ending.

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I'm so tired of helping my parents. This seems never ending.

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I took care for my mother with cancer for almost two years, until she died, two weeks ago. Just this situation was hard enough for me in many ways. Since her death, I started looking out for my father with dementia. It is hard work because he needs attention almost all the time. He is not used to being alone, so now I spend the whole day doing things for him, so he doesn't feel so alone and bored. But I am exhausted. I can't go on doing this. My father doesn't want to go to an ALF either. And he doesn't like his caregiver. Besides all, I used to have a life, I'm married with children. I need a job also, urgently, since I run out of money when I left my job to care for my mother. Anyone else with the same issue?

Burnout Family Caregiver Parents

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Paula you lost your mother two weeks ago. You can't possibly be in any state to make long-term decisions, you're exhausted, and you're going to break down.

Urgently, find somewhere near you that offers respite care for families dealing with dementia - just Google respite care dementia in your location. You don't need your father's permission for this, tell don't ask him, and get yourself a break. You need a breathing space. Then you can think and plan.

Hugs, I'm so sorry for your loss and for what you're going through with your poor father.

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I know you are exhausted and burned out. You have just gotten past a grueling two years caring for your mother and now...Dad.. I've been there,. father first, then mother. How long can it go on? Well my my father died 19 years ago and my mother was only in an ALF the last three years. She died recently at 93. Her table mate at ALF is still going at 101. So this is the long haul and you MUST find a way to set limits. Lots of people here will tell you about parents who don't like caregivers, don't want to move to ALF and are so very bored and lonely....wah!

What others told me was your father wants to keep his life exactly the same and he expects you to upend your life, health and marriage to enable him. Make a list of what he needs and another of what he just wants. Make another list of what you can reasonably do. Then cut that list in half because you will overestimate. Remember, it will not get better and you still need to oversee anybody assisting. Figure out how others can do as much as possible...paid, volunteer or family. Don't use your money, honey. I hope you have POA. Is your father safe alone? If so set up a regular time to visit and help. Stick to it. If he calls for something (of course right now!), sweetly say, "Sure, next time I come." He will create emergencies. Learn what he runs out of and keep ahead. I had to go to a therapist to help me implement this tough love.

Also only child. Brother died in 1995. Not that he would have helped.

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Your father is fortunate to have you in his life. That doesn't mean he owns your life. I too am an only child. My mother is in AL. She has grown to accept it. She has 2 friends who have no family, never planned at all for retirement even though they lived alone for years. Their lives are a mess. One had to have state appointed guardianship. The other has to rely on a deficient caretaker. I take my mother to all her doctor appointments, communicate with them about her conditions, pay all her bills, buy her what she needs. If AL is an option for your parent then you should seek it. It is emotionally grueling enough to deal with an aging parent. As their mind goes one has to deal with absurd requests, answer the same questions over and over and experience the emotional rollercoaster all this involves. You need to reclaim your life. You will still be a part of your parents life which will only grow more challenging but you can't ignore your own or your family's. I hope you can move forward. Your father may not want things to change but we as caregivers also don't want all that falls into our laps. I hope you find a better path. I certainly would have preferred a different childhood but nothing can change that. I wish you the best.

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Riverdale: well said. I got a lot out of that myself☺. Thanks.

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With many parents, it is never ending. My father died in 2000. Since the age of 18, I had helped my parents financially while I lived at home. When I married at 21 & owned my own home, my Mom would come over crying, continuing to tell me her financial & relationship problems with my Dad. My husband & I would help them out. After my Dad's death, Mom's dependence on me increased, but I detached with love. I didn't "abandon" her. Just found other ways to meet her needs. She died in Feb 2018 at the age of 93. 10 years ago, we cared for my Mother-in-law in our home when she had cancer & died 6 months after her diagnosis. After my MIL died, my husband & I agreed that his father would go to Assisted Living & rent out their house to pay for the ALF. There was no way I would care for him because he had always been far too dependent on his wife for everything & I was NOT going to start with that. He died 3 years ago at the age of 90. Anyway, long story short, please do not beat yourself if the decision is to place your father in a facility. He will be safe, fed, cared for by professionals 24/7 who have the knowledge & expertise dealing with patients with dementia & their never ending needs & decline. It is self-preservation for you & your children's lives. My condolences to you & you family. Take care

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Paula,
Sorry, I'm no longer in your position. I'm an only child too. I tried working 3 days a week while also taking care of my (95 year old, stage 6 Alzheimer's) mother, leaving her at home with my husband on my days to work. (Hubs works from home.) It was a fiasco.

It doesn't sound like your Dad is in the advanced stages of dementia yet but he will be. You need to start making plans right now for his future care.

My mother was adamant that she would NEVER go into a facility but there comes a point where the family can no longer be available 24/7/365 without a nervous and physical breakdown. Do NOT do that to yourself AND your family. No one else can take away your life nor should they. Your responsibility is to see that your dad is well taken care of-not DO the caretaking.
Get off the guilt trip of being responsible for his companionship and happiness. You can't be all things to all people. Your Dad will get along.

Your first responsibility is to YOUR family. They deserve your time, attention and finances too.

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None of this matters. You need to do what is best for you and go and get a job. Not your fault your father is bored and alone. He has to figure that one out for himself. I am an only too and I am sure my father would love it if I was there every day doing stuff for him. But I have a life and a job. There is no way I could leave my job to watch over him. You went above and beyond already. Explain to your father that you need to get a job and repair the damage you did to yourself financially while caring for your mother.

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Dear Paula, if your mother died only two weeks ago, you must be absolutely exhausted, both physically and emotionally. You need a holiday. You can be in no fit state to pick up yet another burden. You say that without you, your father would be alone and bored, but you don’t say that he is mean and unreasonable. He should be able to see that you need a holiday, and perhaps even help with the cost. He should also be able to see that his own part in making it possible is to agree to an ALF for respite care.

When you get back, you can see how you feel, and your father will have a better idea of how he could cope himself. If you have to make the decision in spite of what he wants, you will be in better shape to deal with it once you have had a chance of a rest and a change of scene. It probably feels only too difficult even to arrange at this stage, but it would almost certainly be worth one more effort. Do you have any family members who know what you have done, and might have you to stay for a cheap break? An aunt or a cousin? This may be the time to ask for help.

Very best wishes, Margaret

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You got a lot of good advice here, so I can't offer much, but that you have to take care of yourself or you will not be able to take care of your love ones. Take some time to grieve, and rest than get a job.

My condolences to you about you and your family.

May God watch over you.

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Hi, yes I have a very similar situation. I think you must quickly step away from being totally responsible for your dad's care. I know you have the best of intentions, but letting everything else in your life go, is a big mistake. I'm happy that you have your own family, but enjoy them, put them first, be happy again. 🌸✌

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Thank you all for your advIce. I didn´t realice that it is too soon to make any important decition. I have grief to do, and so my father. I have been looking for a good ALF for my father and I am starting to plan my new life, I have been looking for Jobs too. Thank you all for making me see that I can´t be everybody´s life saver. It is just not possible. I wish everybody could plan how they want their last years to be, and how to achieve it without damaging anyone by the road.

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Hugs, Paula. Look after yourself and please let us know how you're both getting on.

I'm so tired of helping my parents. This seems never ending.

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