My husband and I have been living with my mother for 6 years. Initially, we moved in because my husband was laid off at 62 years old and unable to regain employment. Over the past 4 years, my mothers health and cognitive abilities have declined and at 96 she is no longer able to live alone.
I have an older sister who lives 45 minutes away and tells me there is no free lunch. I live here for free, so I shouldn’t complain that we have given up our lives and all privacy to care for my mother. I’ve been called a bloodsucker by my sister.
I'm still working part time as a chef from 4-7 pm, and physically, it’s beating me up. My body hurts every night when I come home. At 67, I would like to not have to work, but my husband and I only have our social security each month and no savings.
We can’t afford to move, so as far as my sister is concerned, this is the price we pay for not having savings for retirement.
I'm exhausted and my husband is resentful. He thinks my mother should pay us since we can never leave her alone. I take her to all of her appointments, I clean the house, cook dinner for her before I go to work and help her with personal needs. For the most part, my mother is still able to bathe and dress herself.
I'm tired, I have no privacy, my marriage is stressed and I feel like I’m stuck.
Ignore ANYONE that isn’t encouraging or supportive of you.
You deserve to be at peace, and not endure their criticism. You deserve to have your needs fulfilled.
If anyone criticizes you harshly, please don’t hesitate to tell them that if they feel as if they can do a better job than you, that they are certainly welcome to take over and do the never ending, exhausting job of caregiving! That should shut them up!
It was your mom’s choice to welcome you into her home, in your time of need, therefore that has absolutely no bearing on your current situation.
You didn’t force her to take you in! She had the opportunity to say, no that she couldn’t possibly do that.
You willingly helped her during her time of need and it became an enormous burden.
You have done this WITHOUT any COMPENSATION for it! That is extremely generous of you!
You definitely deserve payment for your caregiving!
Either resign or see an attorney to set up an agreement to be paid. You can’t complain either if you are accepting this arrangement with her.
Ask a social worker to assist in showing you how to be paid if you continue in a caregiving role.
If not, move out and make plans to live on your own one way or another. Investigate ways for your husband to earn an income. Become as proactive as possible.
Furthermore, if your mom had to hire full time live in help it would cost her a fortune!
So, she really can’t complain about anything. She has clearly had the better end of the deal!
Primary Caretaker- 21hrs/day X $18/hr X 7days/wk X 4wks/mo.= $10,584.00
Secondary Caretaker- 24hrs/day X $13/hr X 7 days/wk X 4wks/mo.= $8736.00
Potential income/mo. $19,320.00
(hourly rates are on the lower side of average)
ALFs- $5500-8500/mo. depending on care needed. "96yrs old, health and cognitive abilities have declined, no longer able to live alone". Mom's probably going pay closer to the higher amount.
Rent for 2 people- $2400/mo.
Living expenses for 2 people- $1800.00/mo,
misc. expenses for 2 people- $600,00/mo.
Potential expenses/mo. $4800.00
In my opinion mom does have an obligation to start paying you and your husband for her care. Your sister is wrong to call you a bloodsucker but that's what siblings do right? And nobody can take us right there like a sibling.
I would call it Financially Irresponsible. Your story includes indicators of your financial irresponsibility. There's sooo much stuff out there to help you clean it up. Lots of it is free. No matter what happens with your mom, you gotta clean that up.
I too am a believer that there is no free lunch. But from my point of view it's your mom who's getting the free lunch. Do some research in your area and discover exactly what your efforts are worth. Then you can decide on an amount. It's just math.
Anyone with crappy siblings will adore your posting!
Thanks for spelling the facts out so clearly.
perhaps the type of adult children like her is what inspired Saturday night live coined the “land shark” comedy line
are there other options you have not explored or considered ?
maybe you all can all move into assistive living ?
It sounds like your sister will never understand because she has never taken care of your mom 24/7. And trying to get her too will only add to your stress .
I am not clear on what your husband is doing except complaining and adding to the stress .
there should be elder services in your county or state .
I suggest speaking to an elder attorney . The elder attorney was extremely helpful to us in understanding options . .A place for mom can be helpful resource .
can mom afford to hire an aid part time to assist with her care? So you can have a break .
Have you considered a change in jobs , something not so demanding .
chef is physically demanding position . maybe a chef in an assistive living ?
I too live in a mother /daughter
my siblings don’t help because they see it has we purchase a home together , it’s my job . I however pay all the household bills including the mortgage .
I wish you luck .
I am with the sister and it IS her business. Just because she did not fall back on her mother to meet all her financial needs as this couple is doing doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a say. If the caregiver had POA and the mother was incapacitated, I have no doubt they’d be paying themselves a salary without the mother’s knowledge if the mother has anything left over after all the household expenses.
Its the husband who won’t get off his duff and work yet he’s the one who is complaining.
I told him that I was going to steal his line.
It’s worth repeating!
Those who don’t do, preach!
They don’t do anything but sit on the sidelines and PREACH to the ones who are doing all of the heavy lifting of caregiving!
For anyone that doesn’t know how hard caregiving is because they have never done it should walk a mile in their shoes!
Let the sister on the sidelines take a turn doing the ‘hands on’ caregiving and she would soon be singing a different tune!
How do I know? Well, I was the heavy lifting, hard working, completely exhausted caregiver, while my brothers sat on the sidelines doing nothing!
I had mom living with me for 15 long years!
Mom wanted her way with everything. She wasn’t willing to compromise. I burned out!
Moms complain to other siblings with embellished stories! Siblings do not bother to get the whole story because they want to remain the ‘golden’ child!
When it gets to that point it is time for compromise from mom or quit caregiving and let the ‘spectators who are only good at criticism’ take over!
My brother didn’t have a clue what caregiving was all about until I dumped it in his lap because he didn’t like how I was handling things.
You better believe now my brother is seeing what I went through. I am sure that he and wife #4 are sorry they ever said a bad word about me because it all blew up in their face, backfired big time!
My mom’s doctors told me over and over what a great job I did caring for mom. That’s all the proof that I needed!
Hubs at home while wife works a couple of hrs a day. Which means he has the ability to 'help' mom while wife at work. He can do this same time of work for another elderly person and get paid to do it if he really wants to get separate housing from mom.
I would say there is some history here that we only read a very small portion of.
If your mom requires 24/7 attendance, the cost mom would pay for that would exceed the 'freebies' of no rent, etc where you are now. You have to decide if you want to pay rent somewhere or continue on rent free with no pay for mom's care. If you and hubby are serious, then look for small efficiency apt that you could afford. Cut out any non-priority expenses to put toward rent/utilities. Once you are out of the home, even for a brief period, sister may decide your time and care is worth a little something.
My circumstance is most like yours, so I too would never dream of wanting compensation for taking care of my mom and back in 2004 taking care of my dad in my childhood home. After my dad had surgery and I took care of all of their yardwork, he had my mom go out and buy me a couple of outfits and my favorite perfume. Although I was very grateful, in a way I felt bad. I guess it's just part of me, when I donate, I don't care about getting a tax receipt when organizations hold drives and say they'll give a person x,y,z when they donate, I don't accept anything - I guess I feel like it defeats the purpose to donate if they have to in essence "bribe" me.
I have always wanted to find someone's lost pet when they've offered a reward, tell them I found their pet and say "no, thank you" to their reward. I love animals and they are a part of our family.
I have a question for you swegner, how often does your mom have doctors appointments?
Because I don't think having to clean the house and prepare her dinner is overwhelming caregiving. I think that you would be doing this in your own home, hopefully, so I am really curious about what is so difficult about what you have to do for her. The way you have worded your duties is minimal and I am wondering if you have left out anything. I know losing the housekeeper is sad and you now have to step up and take care of what mom paid for for the 1st 5 plus years that you lived with her, so maybe you can rehire the housekeeper now that a vaccine is in the near future. Of course at your expense.
I would not tell the sister as it's none of her business. Hopefully your mother isn't aware of the resentment caring for her. Life is hard enough without people living with you don't like you. Dig deep and even if you fake it, be ever so kind to her. She's not long for this world......... and, this too shall pass.
Your doing a great job for your mom.
Im 63 , I know the feeling of tiredness. Try to cut corners, you don’t have to cook every night, use paper dishes and if you can afford it get pizza .
Your sister has no right to say those things to you , she should be helping you more . No you are not destined to care for your mom because of limited income. No one has to do that. You are in a good place for room and board but no one can keep you there if you want to leave .
Some senior apartments charge you according to your income so that’s always an option.
Think everything over, try to get more rest by cutting some work chores. Everything can’t be perfect.
You have to find ways to help yourself in that situation or you can’t help mom.Try to see some positive,
at least mom can be left alone for small amounts of time.
Call your county board of social services and speak with a social worker. They can find you the help you need
Good luck, take care
Mom needs caregiving; you need $ to live on. So that being the case, one option is to ask mom for compensation for caregiving. There are issues with this, namely, training and your age. A live-in caregiver hired through an agency would cost about 80-100K per year (and they would not be paying rent either); of which the caregiver would take home about 30K more or less these days. Those people are a bit more qualified than you, however, usually 18 months of training, and then experience - years - at assisted living homes, other private caregiving, etc. They know how to treat all the stuff old people get with pains, infections, skin issues, memory care, bathing, cleaning, and are physically able to move them safely when they need assistance. It's more than cleaning house, cooking, and keeping company. A standard shift for a live-in caregiver is on the order 12 hours, of which 8 hours is work and assumed 4 hours of break, per day. That's still a long day. A legitimate concern is whether you, at 67, are able, and willing to do that.
The second option is to ask mom to hire another caregiver besides yourself; and ask mom to let you live in the house for some nominal rent, say $150/month including utilities. You could assist mom in doing that, maybe even privately, which would cut the cost compared to an agency by about 50% (say 40-50K/year). Then you could live off your social security and/or the 3 hours/day as a chef. This is probably better for mom, because she isn't getting any younger and her functioning will decline further, and relatively soon, and it is best that you have a professional in place for that. I have strong feelings that it is better for elderly to remain at home than move to a facility, especially if they don't want to. There are circumstances in which this may, for medical reasons, be necessary...in which case the home (if your mom's) may need to be sold to pay for her care. Aging declines are not necessarily gradual, and can and do occur dramatically with a stroke, a fall, other kind of injuries or illnesses. You need to be mentally prepared for that reality.
The third option is for hubby to work...it's not clear (or I haven't read all the posts)...what he has been doing the last 6 years. Any kind of unskilled job is better than no income.
The fourth option is for mom to just give you money as a gift for you and hubby to live and retire on...not my recommendation...but parents are known to sometimes support their children, even their families.
As far as the sister's "no free lunch" talk, that could include the care for your mom when, as here, the caregiver needs the money. It is true that many relatives caregive for parents for no compensation or, if the parents lack resources, will pay significantly for their care. But in those circumstances, the relatives are sufficiently financially independent to do so. Not so in your case. Ask mom and see what she thinks.
My oldest daughter and her husband live and take care for both of my parents one with dementia and the other disabled from a stroke( my brother and I also help). They have no real jobs or other income we give them 100.00 each a month. My suggestion is apply for in-home care and be the caregivers for your mother you’ll get a little something or just ask mom. It’s very hard work I don’t know how much you expect to get paid but it also sounds like you need a break too.
I'd advise you to see an attorney and insure a Will and POA is done. If you can 'never leave her alone,' and doing all you are doing, your mother will need to step up and make reasonable financial arrangements... or you'll need to go on strike. She may not know what she has until she doesn't. Tough love.
I sympathize with you regarding your sister not recognizing the work you do with your mom. I paid one of my sisters to help for a while until she quit coming over and still expected to be paid.
Why can't mom be left alone at all? What are some examples of things she's done that make it so she can't be alone?
You said 'we have no life here. Constant interruptions, questions where we are going (when either of us is able to leave) and my mother smothers me like a child.'
While the above is stressful, it is also part of living with your mother and doesn't mean she needs 24 hour care. A large part of your issue seems to be that your husband is fed up with mom because they are both home 24/7 and lack of privacy. However, it is mom's house and part of what comes with the territory of living with another person. It would be the same with any roommate except maybe another roommate would probably leave the house some.
Does your husband appreciate having a free place to live? Does he understand that has a monetary value as well? Since finances are part of this discussion, has he managed to save any money over the last six years as he hasn't had rent, utilities, cable, internet, garbage, etc. to pay for? If you are saving 3k a month for the last six years, probably more since your son was there for the first four years and 2 bedrooms are more expensive, that is over 200k. Enough to fully pay for a decent home in many areas of the country.
You have a couple options, you could sit down with mom and sis and share everything you do throughout the day and how much that is worth vs. how much money you are saving per month by living with mom. It's important to recognize that you don't deserve any money for simply being present in the home while mom is there too, unless you have proof she really can't be alone at all. My guess is it may come out to where you should get 500 - 1000 cash per month. Or they say no money and then you have a decision to make.
I also think a talk with your husband may be in order. Where does he see the two of you living in the long-term? If you stay with mom, maybe he needs to understand that lack of privacy and lots of inane questions are going to come with the territory. My mom can barely walk, will just wear in her underwear and t-shirt occasionally, is bursting at the seams for conversation when I get home everyday, needs things repeated frequently, needs help with self cares and has moody behavior, but this doesn't mean she needs 24 hour supervision. Does your husband understand your financial position? Maybe you should move to a different less expensive state. In my smallish midwestern town you could easily rent a one bedroom apartment for $650, in lots of small southern towns that would also be a possibility.
If he continues to complain but not really make any changes, you might need to be blunt with him and point while the situation is not ideal, it is still the situation he is in and maybe he needs to make the best of it. Realistically, he is elderly and on a limited fixed income, he can have privacy in an apartment and a lot less money or put up with MIL and have a free place to live. Simple.