I'm constantly nervous, worried. How does everyone else manage?

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I'm constantly nervous, worried. How does everyone else manage?

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I came across this forum, and found many useful threads.

My question isn’t urgent.

How to explain?

I (I’m sure it applies to most of us) am constantly nervous, stressed, worried. (I’m a calm person generally).

I worry about the next message/phone call/emergency.

It’s hard to totally relax, switch off.

I care for my elderly mother. I’m an only child. We don’t live together. She has live-in carers in her house.

The major problem is falling.

The house is as safe as it can be. As we all know, not all falls can be prevented.

It’s very difficult for me to focus on my work (constant worry).

It’s not possible to prevent all the accidents.

I can try to switch off and say to myself: I’ve tried my best; I now need a mental break, even if accidents happen (I hope not); switch off my phone for some days.

Of course I continue to care. I just need to switch off a while.

(The reality is that when I help, together with the carers, my mother will get much better care at the hospital - when there’s an emergency. I speak with the doctors, etc. If I disappear from my phone some days, and she must go to the hospital, the carers will do their best, but it won’t be as good as if I help out).

How do others manage the stress/worry, when you’ve already created the best possible, safest environment (nothing more to improve)?

Thank you very much, in advance! Really.

Anxiety Family Caregiver Mental Health Stress

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I was in your position for 10.5 years as an only child to 2 parents who I had to move out here to be close to me. I then had to manage their entire LIVES for them when they lost the ability to do so. I feel your pain.

My mother fell 95x while living in Assisted Living and then Memory Care for a total of 7 years. Every precaution known to man was taken to prevent those falls from happening, too, but my mother was a stubborn woman who did as she damn well pleased. So she did. And she'd fall as a result. And then, when dementia got bad, she forgot that she couldn't walk (she was in a wheelchair) and would insist she COULD walk, try to get up, and down she'd go. Over & over & over again to the point of insanity. The AL would call ME every time she fell; when she went on hospice, they TOO would call me, so I'd get TWO calls every time mom fell. I felt like I was losing my mind at times, I truly did.

But I didn't. I talked myself off the ledge by reminding myself I had no control over my mother's life. That she was being kept as safe as humanly POSSIBLE, as your mom is, and there was no other actions that could be taken to make things better. Even if I were to have sat with her 24/7, she STILL would have fallen b/c I would have had to go to the bathroom, sleep, leave the room for a few minutes, etc. The reality is, you and I cannot live our mother's lives FOR them; this is their life to live and only God has control over it's destiny.

You're doing all you can do for your mom. Just wait for The Phone Call and then meet the ambulance at the hospital, or go over to the house to do whatever has to be done. Live your LIFE in the meantime. Otherwise, your entire life is usurped in between now & when your mom passes away, and STILL you've managed to do nothing to change the outcome of her life ANYWAY. You are not responsible for her life, is the point. Only your life. Make the most of it and don't waste your days worrying over things you can't change. Decide that you will handle the crises as they crop up, and live your life in between times, to the best of your ability.

If you agree to borrow trouble from tomorrow, you spoil the beauty of today. Don't do that, waiting for the next shoe to drop. I know it's hard, but it's manageable when you have a plan of action that starts out with a prayer every morning when you wake up. Give it over to God and let Him handle it. He's got your back.

Best of luck

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Thank you!!

Very kind answer!

You see - I need a break from the emergencies too, that’s what I was saying.

I’ve already done the:
waiting in between emergencies; trying to live fully in between.

I need a mental break.
I do care, but I need a break.

I will switch off the phone for a while.

Thanks!!

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dear verystressedout,
:)

hug!!
i don’t know the answer, but i wish your stress levels to go down.

stress kills, and stress makes us sick (mentally/physically).

you (like everyone) is precious!

bundle of joy :)

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Thank you!!

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I still struggle with this.

What has helped:

Prioritizing my health care/dr appmts.
Counseling
Getting out with friends and having laughter.
The counselor had me write up positive affirmations. During tougher times I read the positive affirmations to strengthen me.
Exercise

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Thanks!!
I’ll try the same!!

In particular exercise helps me get away mentally.

I need to get away, with my mind.

Good luck to us all on the forum!!

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Your mum sounds very well cared for, you need to look after yourself. Things happen but they would whether you are there or not. Take one day at a time, take things as they came, all the stress of worrying what may happen will burn you out-let go.

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Thanks!

“Things happen but they would whether you are there or not.”

Correct.
But I have a different point:

my mother will get much better care at the hospital (and after), if I help.

I’m speaking about when emergencies happen.

(My mother is fine right now).

I need a break however, even from emergencies.

“you need to look after yourself”

Thanks!!
That’s what I’ll start with right now. Switching off phone. I need it.

I wish us all well!

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You are likely having anxiety disorder from all of this and that isn't unusual. I certainly flipped straight into it on the way to Forum about three years ago when I had to take over as Trustee and POA for my brother; I had no experience at all and it was a true journey for the two of us.
See your doctor. Discuss how best to approach this. You may need a mild antidepressant or a mild medication to take as needed (be CAREFUL of this option) and you may also need some therapy. Social Workers are best at this, those specifically trained to counsel of life transitions.
Sometime you understand you are in up to your eyeballs and can't breathe. This may mean placement. It may not. But you could use some guidance in ironing it all out.

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Thanks for your kindness!
:)

No disorder.
Just normal worry.

But - I need a break.

I’m able to work. But of course I would work better, with less stress.

Placement no. As Lealonnie below pointed out, it’s the same in a facility (you worry; advocate; get phonecalls).

The amount one worries depends on how frequently emergencies are happening.

Of course you’ll then worry every time your phone rings.

Thanks! :)

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It's hard, I know. I speak with my father, who is very frail, at least once a day. Recently he didn't answer his phone as usual. An hour later my brother called and was with him in the emergency department! I almost passed out. I almost needed to be in the hospital!

Recently neighbors were playing outside, one ran to catch a ball and almost knocked my father over. If my father falls forget it! I worry a lot about this.I live in constant fear for his health.

What I do everyday is go for an hour walk. This gets my mind in a different place and benefits my health in numerous ways. I definitely feel better when I return.

I would never turn off the phone. Me and my brother are recently estranged (He now wants me to pay for services that he assumed years ago simply because I moved close by). I have a good friend that I could call on for moral support but they are going through far worse things than I am. I won't hear from them in months, if not years. Rather ever!

Walking an hour a day, trying to do good in the world, treating people with fairness and kindness, eating healthy, no alcohol ever - those are the things that are keeping me together. For now.

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"Never" is a long time; speaking in absolutes normally turns out to be a mistake, as we read about here on the forum all the time. The elder is not the 'only' person who matters in a caregiving situation: we ALL matter. Look at it this way: if you were to die (God forbid), your phone would be permanently turned off and your father would be someone else's problem entirely. Taking care of our own mental health needs to be a priority too lest we wind up dying before the elder does!

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Give yourself a break. Decide to accept what can’t be different or better and know that you’ve done your best for your mom. None of us have any control, it’s an illusion we give ourselves that we actually control things. Yes, mom will fall and she will decline, it’s the normal course of life. Be kind to yourself, make time for activities you enjoy and that bring you peace. I wish you well

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Thanks!!

“Give yourself a break.”

Starting right now - even a break from emergencies. Some days.

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It is hard. The anxiety never goes away. You cope just by living in the moment and trying to supress the negative thoughts while dealing with the issues at hand and waiting for the shoe to drop. Hugs to you.

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THANK YOU.

Hugs to you too!!

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Hi very stressed out
sending biggest love for what your going through
i go through the same
I’ve posted a few times about my elderly dad. He went into respite, still had falls, still ended up in hospital. His needs have increased and is now in a nursing home, still has falls. he now has covid and I’m constantly worrying about if the carers at the home will strap his catheter leg bag properly, will he eat will he drink, etc. I know it’s anxiety. The logical part of my brain says he has a team of carers and nurses looking after him 24/7; they are better trained than me and deal with this every day, The rest of my brain is in a cycle of worry and guilt.
it’s not humanely possible for us to be alert, vibrant and strong 24 hours a day. We need to sleep for a start. We can’t be the best advocates for our parents if we are not in good health. Talk to your doctor, take some time. You’ve said exercise helps which is fab, can you use work as a distraction?
take good care
xxx

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“sending biggest love for what you’re going through
i go through the same”

THANK YOU.
Sending love to you, too!!

Yes I work (not to distract, but because I must work).

Yes I exercise a lot.

Love to your father, you!!!

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I never managed. I always worried and called the places my grandma was at. She lived at home with me and family but was left alone when we had to work. I thought about her all the time and somedays during my 30 minute lunches Id rush home to check on her or Id call the dialysis center to ask how she was doing. I enrolled her on a day time Alzheimer center and felt great relief. My grandma was a handful and had started leaving the house but the neighbor would get her back in. She was also old and fragile and I was scared she could suffer an accident, fall, heart attack, stroke, etc. During the nights I'd go to her room and made sure she was still breathing. Sometimes Id do this more than once. Id check her sugar, her oxygen levels, and sometimes her BP. I was paranoid, I just loved her so much (still do).

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Totally understand you. And you’re extremely sweet.

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Your constant anxiety is something most of us have been through. Try to get some help for your anxiety. Learn to focus on one day at a time, only the present. For me prayer is a great healer and I am doing the very best I can but life is beyond my control.

I try to squeeze in some quiet time during my day and maybe for an hour put your phone on silent. Constantly waiting on the phone to ring is a big stressor.

Your mom has a lot of help. You hired them and they may not do care the same as you but mom is well cared for. Trust them.

Get some green time everyday and enjoy the beauty of nature.

Some herbal teas are very relaxing. My mom swears by lavender chamomile for her anxiety.

Breathe!

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Thank you InFamilyService!!
Thank you everyone!

"Get some green time everyday and enjoy the beauty of nature."

Indeed!

"maybe for an hour put your phone on silent. Constantly waiting on the phone to ring is a big stressor."

Completely off, for some days.
I need a break.

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I’m sorry you’re going through this. I am too. My grandpa is in Memory Care and for lack of a better term, he’s rambunctious. He has a lot falls because he simply won’t wait for help. Most days I am terrified and anxious.

As others have stated exercise helps. I’m sure I should medicated but I just haven’t taken the time to do that for myself.

Another thing that’s helped is tapping therapy. Google it, I thought it was bull but if I’m so anxious that I feel like I can’t focus I do a tapping meditation and it does help.

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Thank you, and sending A LOT Of empathy to you!!
We are many, in the same situation of daily worry.

I simply turned off my phone. Totally.
I need a break.

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One of the things that surprised me after my dad died last year was the relief from the worry, the idea that I can breathe again. It was a horrible year between a cancer diagnosis, covid, hospice. Every resource I have was devoted to his care and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I was in a constant state of anxiety and worry- worry about his care, health, meds. I adored him - he did for me more that anyone by just being accepting and never judging as my mom does. He is such a big loss in my life but the weight was heavy and I was happy to carry it. I now have my mom and I am at it again she is healthy for now but incredibly difficult and I am always worried about when the next shoe will fall - when the elderly are involved the life gets sucked out of you its a constant battle and its never uphill.

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Sending lots of love to you!

"when the elderly are involved the life gets sucked out of you its a constant battle and its never uphill."

Yeah...

My compassion to you!

Let's find ways to relax. Live our lives.

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Do you have someone trustworthy, friends, neighbor, cousin, who could screen the phone for a couple hours? I might even consider an answering service. You need some downtown time to maintain your health and sanity. That anxiety is very hard on your body as well as your mind. You are probably jumping inside at every ring, or anticipation of every ring.

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“Do you have someone trustworthy, friends, neighbor, cousin, who could screen the phone for a couple hours?”

No. Otherwise I would have done so.
Like many of us, we’re on our own.

Thanks for your sweet message!

“You need some downtown time to maintain your health and sanity. That anxiety is very hard on your body as well as your mind.”

Exactly. Yes, thanks!

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I had that same problem when my mother was in a memory care facility with advanced dementia. I dreaded every phone call, because they only called when there was a problem. My mother was falling often, as she forgot how to walk. Her legs were getting weaker. The facility was required to call EMS every time so that they could evaluate her, and sometimes she would be sent to the hospital. She didn't understand what was happening to her in the hospital or why she had to be there and hated it. Her doctor signed off on hospice care for her with no hospitalization. She was much better with that type of care. I didn't get so many phone calls, because the staff at her facility could decide whether it was really serious (in which case they would have called EMS). The aides there helped her from her bed to a wheel chair when she had to move around. They also got her a geri chair, which is a safe reclining chair where she won't fall out of it in semi reclined positions. Also seek therapy for yourself if you need counseling on how to cope with the stresses of caregiving.

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Lots of empathy to you!!

I understand you.
And you understand me completely:

“I dreaded every phone call, because they only called when there was a problem.”

Precisely.
The phone (message or ringing) gives me (metaphorically) small heart-attacks.

It’s always bad news.

A few days ago, my dear mother called me. I answered, expecting something awful.

Actually, she sweetly just want to say hi.

I explained to her, I was very happy to hear her, but that every time I hear the phone, I almost get a heart-attack (because it’s always some terrible news).

She showed me lots of compassion/empathy, said she felt so sorry I go through that.

We now agreed that she can call me to say hi — but for bad news, she must call ER or caregivers.

This way I know that when she calls me, it’s just to say hi. Nothing to worry about. She agreed.

Hugs to all!

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The level of anxiety that you describe sounds like more than what is reasonable because it is intruding into every moment and affecting your quality of life. Please talk about this with your own doctor, perhaps medication may help you.

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I am also an only, I understand what you are saying. Turn the phone off at night, every night about 8 pm. Turn it back on in the morning when you wake up. If there is an emergency, there is 911. If not, news can wait till the morning.

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but maybe the unknown will make the anxiety worse?

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You're already doing the best you can.
After that, for a better you, clock out from…pick a daily 12 hour stretch.
Go for a bike ride, or a swim. Breathing exercises, and/or meditation may help. Or just put your feet up and close your eyes for 15 minutes when you feeling (unhelpfully) whacky.
Or if you're like me, comfortably cinch up, put on some peppy music and dance around (sing?).
At least put on your favorite music.

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Oh yeah.............. I like that dancing part!

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Do DO speak to you doctor about this. My anxiety also escalated to insomnia as well. I finally consulted my doctor and she was so kind and prescribed something for my anxiety that has been tremendous help. It has stopped those colliding thoughts, worries, fears, etc. and I am back to sleeping again. I really didn’t want to have to see the doctor about it all, but so glad I did. It really worked for me.

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I worried last few mos re: my Mom, as she is new to being widowed & so freaking difficult & stubborn/NPD. But now I am settling in for my own peace of mind. Life is meant to be lived. So much positive in each & every day. Mult times a day/week my Mom will say "Are you OK", "Don't talk to strangers," "Stay home if it starts raining." ...on & on & on. Everything with her is fear based-truly a victim mentality. Negative outlook. I tell her I cannot live this way or my profession would collapse. Personal relationships would collapse. I have to daily remind myself that everything is out of my control. If she has a fall (lives alone) we will deal with the "what next" then.. I refuse to live in defeat. None of us knows if we have another day of life... LOVE the advice of below: meditate, have some tea...go for a walk.. breathe. Fear robs us of the joy we are meant to experience in the day. Glad you shared this.

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Thanks!

So glad you’re less stressed now, can enjoy life more!

I look forward to saying the same.

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I absolutely can identify with everything you said. I am a part-time caregiver for my mom as well. I recently reduced my days with my mom because we hired caregivers. But before that I lived half a week with her for a year. I actually became clinically depressed. And it affected my husband too. I work with a therapist now and I have anti-depressant medication. With all of this I’m still a nervous wreck, but I guess I’m better than if I didn’t have the supports. This is such a difficult time in life. You know that the next week will never bring anything really good, because our parents are declining. I just want to reach out and say yeah, me too.

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HUGGGG.

I wish you to overcome this stress.

We’ll make it. We’ll find a way.

I myself simply switched off my phone. Holiday.

I don’t want any stress for a few days. Just focus on my life.

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Thanks a lot for your replies! :)

Please don’t take my words literally:
I’m not literally constantly stressed out.
(some people suggest I take medicine) (it’s not like that)

I work. I exercise. I read books, watch movies, have conversations. I’m able to think of other things. Enjoy. Relax.

THANK YOU for all your suggestions and empathy!!!

We will get through this in a good way!

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Mindfulness Meditation: it will change your mind and change your life.
https://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/

I learned to meditation through a class at our local hospital.

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My Papa lived alone, with no carers, because he was a stubborn old man. He also had Parkinson’s, so I stopped counting the falls at 45 (even though there were so many more).

My sister and I lived in a state of “Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop” all the time. To try to get some peace, she slept and I read. I don’t remember what I read (which tells me I wasn’t very relaxed), but at least it took my mind away for awhile. Do you have a hobby that could help you relax?

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Thanks for your answer!

"My sister and I lived in a state of “Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop” all the time."

I understand.

"Do you have a hobby that could help you relax?"

Yes:
a. screaming into pillows
b. reading about screaming and pillows
c. buying pillows
d. ....

I might need to get new hobbies.

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"
"Do you have a hobby that could help you relax?"

Yes:
a. screaming into pillows
b. reading about screaming and pillows
c. buying pillows
d. ...."

You have a great sense of humor! Are you able to find the humor in things? Have you ever noticed how relaxed you feel after laughing about something?

If you are able to still see the humor in life, that is great!

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.yup…totally get how you feel. It is impossible to ever get a “day off”. Everyone will have an opinion on how easy it should be… IF they do not live this life. 2 years into this and I am getting some good days. I am on community committees, exercise, and keep close contact with friends. I am learning to stay in the day and not think about how this could last for many more years!! I also went to counseling to learn it is NOT my job to keep my mom happy {an impossible job}. Good luck!

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“IF they do not live this life.”

EXACTLY.

“it is NOT my job to keep my mom happy”

Very true. I’ll remember that.
Thanks!

“Good luck!”

Thanks! You too, of course!

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verystressedout: I, too, was you at some point when my mother was alive and living in another state than me - actually seven states away from me. Towards the end of her life, I had to leave my home and move in with her to provide care. Prayers and love sent.

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Thank you!!

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This may sound kind of dramatic to some, but it’s a state of PTSD in my opinion. We’re always on heightened alert, expecting something…my mom lives with my husband, 2 teenage daughters and I. We have done everything possible to prevent a fall, but I know not everything can be prevented. I’m an only child also, and I know the burden you feel. The only thing that helps me is prayer, time away with my family when possible, hobbies.

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Thanks!! Have a nice Tuedsday!

“it’s a state of PTSD in my opinion”

I agree.
And it’s like Pavlov’s dog. In this context: I get small “heart-attacks” every time the phone rings - because 99% of the calls are huge problems or emergencies.

“when possible, hobbies.”

Yes. Currently my favorite hobby is screaming into a pillow. Next, writing about it. Next, trying a different pillow. I have many.

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I take my fat sausage dog out for a walk. I listen to 70's rock and roll and dance with my cane. The sausage dog dances too. I am trying to learn how to hula-hoop, skip rope, some of those things we enjoyed as children, before we had worries.

Take care of yourself, my dear. If you haven't already done so, file your fmla paperwork to relieve some of That stress. Talk to the HR folks about reducing your hours.

Take your mother out for ice cream.

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Thanks for the good ideas, and nice words! :)

I'll use some of them too! Have an awesome day!

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Hello-
I am an only-child with a 91 year old mom who lives in Assisted Living, 3 minutes down the road from my home. I pick her up for dinner every day; we play Scrabble together after dinner. She has some days that are good, and others that are meh.

I am married, two boys- (21) and (16) who help me and show tremendous grace and love, as they emulate what I project.

She has Parkinson’s, arthritis, —bottom line—she is old. I can’t fix old. You can’t fix it either. My peace is in accepting what is.

She had a mild heart attack in May and her cardiologist said the hospital visit isn’t helping her. She will not have surgeries or invasive tests or procedures, etc. The hospital was confusing her—lots of noise, constant interruptions, no sleep—it makes the geriatric set confused.

There is no perfect set-up for “old.” Hospitals aren’t ideal, assisted living isn’t ideal and home isn’t either. Try to do the best you can and that is all you can do.

Here is an article I read from time to time (over and over again) and it reminds me of the sheer fact that old is old. I need to live my life and do my best to help my mom live a good one as well. Heck, she made it to 91 and for that I am blessed. She isn’t perfect, but neither am I.

Take deep breaths —one day at a time!

Link to the article-https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-leads-to-burnout-152629.htm

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Dear Janine, THANK YOU. Every single word you wrote is perfect.

By the way, how fantastic you play scrabble with your mother!!
Beautiful.

Back to everything you wrote:
THANK YOU.

Old is old, and I can't fix that. Right.
And, I read the article you posted, very useful: stop trying to fix everything.

Rather ----- I better fix things in my life.

THANK YOU. Happy Tuesday!

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I'm constantly nervous, worried. How does everyone else manage?

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