My mom has been in AL less than 2 weeks. I can hardly take her anxiety levels anymore. I’ve put my life on hold to be her caretaker, ever since dad declined and was hospitalized in 2020. Actually I was caretaker for both, although he died in LTC after 10 months hospice. She’s been riddled with anxiety and mental problems ALL my life. After dad died I heavily tweaked her world to care and keep her healthy and entertained while living at home. She’s been thoroughly evaluated medically and she’s not physically handicapped and scores high cognitively. She is manipulative and emotionally draining. At the start of July she began dialing 911 all the time. She didn’t want whoever stayed with her to sleep or to leave (she dials 911 immediately when you leave). She loudly howls “help me!” in the middle of night and wakes you up, then says she doesn’t know what’s wrong. After 2 hospitalizations and 2 different rehabs within the last 4 months she’s now in AL and the nursing director is not sure they can meet her demands. She said, “Your mom knows how to play the victim and I’ve had to tell staff to set boundaries.” She wants to be pushed everywhere in a wheelchair even though she walks just fine, she says she can’t.
Anyway, today PT called me to say they met mom and their recommendation is that I should be more "supportive" of her because my distancing is giving her anxiety. lol I’ve been supportive ALL MY LIFE. I listened and thought, “How do I start to explain ALL I’ve done to be supportive of her? What about me?” and I kind of felt like I couldn’t breathe when they said that. Has anyone else been told such a thing by “professionals”? I mean, I’ve gotten that type of disregard from a tiny handful of friends & family over the years who just want to stay in their fairytales about what this kind of caregiving takes out of you. I just want to hear how you got over advice like that from the “medical world”.
One nurse I met (who got to know my mom at a facility she was in) told me she thought my mom might have become a homeless person if my dad had not married her, provided a life for her, and shielded her from the outside world. Idk, it kinda seemed true in a way. But I’m still puzzled.
yes the high cognitive score was from the hospital and the rehab.
Secondly, I'd tell your mom that every time she plays the victim, etc., you'll visit her less than you already do. You've put in your time, you're not her mother, she's not a child. She sounds completely manipulative to me. Her anxiety is not yours to cure. You can't. You lack the superpower. So all that bull---- about needing help…tell her those actions have consequences and you've done all you can for her.
Then go take care of yourself.
Shes calmer now. I hope it’s the meds working. My fingers are crossed. I’m not jumping back into the deep end of the pool yet, I’m still devoting a lot more time to my own life (than I was doing). But I’ve been very encouraged by her calmness and gratitude lately.
Your mom is safe. She is receiving care. You have done your best for her.
Give yourself permission to do your best for YOU.
If you miss her, visit. If she is nasty, leave. If you have fun, visit again.
Stop letting this hurt you. You have hurt enough. It is your turn to be happy from now on.
I just have to hang on to this type of interaction (for my sanity) and if it’s the meds helping her be less anxious and obnoxious, then so be it.
I would discuss this issue with the facility because that is very hurtful and inappropriate thing to tell a family member when they have no idea of the whole story. Nor is a PT person trained in this kind of issue and should not have inserted themselves. Hopefully PT will not do this again to you or anyone else.
Also if someone did this to me I would keep them on the phone for an hour. Start the conversation with “Well let me tell you about the last two years…” They won’t call again!
Another agency is now providing PT, thank goodness! And my mom also seems calmer and easier for me to be around her, with her new meds. 🤞
if they are paid to care for her then she is getting care and it is their responsibility.
I also grew up with a mother like that and she continued to her last day with manipulation.
take your break from her. Inform he place staff that you have been called away for important reasons or you need a surgery or something.
then trust that she is in a care facility and she is not the first person they had to handle like her. You can just agree she is a handful but you aren’t her parent and have no blame for how she acts. She is an adult. This is her choices. She now has to see her consequences for acting like that.