Hello all, I'm reaching out to you all because I don't know what to do. I'll try to summarize this as much as possible. Both of my parents are dealing with multiple health issues. I am only child living 1200 miles away. I cannot move to them. They say that they are going to sell their house and move here but they have too many health issues to ever make that happen. They've been hospitalized multiple times and refuse to let me come out. I believe that they are embarrassed of their home because they have always had a beautiful home and taken excellent care of it. I've offered to get carpet cleaners in (due to multiple accidents) and cleaners in so they aren't embarrassed. I've offered support in anyway I can possibly think. I have begged, pleaded, cried, and yelled to get them to let me help them. It's primarily my mom that doesn't want any help which then burdens my unhealthy father even more. This has been going on for about 13 years now and I've made no progress with them. My mom has had multiple strokes so sometimes I get my mom and other times I get a very angry person that is reliving past issues in her life. I've offered to get a realtor, fly out and stage their house, get movers, drive them to my state, find them a house, and on and on. The mom has fallen multiple times and they drs think it's due to low potassium. She ends up in the hospital while they give her several bags of potassium and then she fights them to let her out. Then she won't follow up with her own drs because a health issue will come up. Then she gets mad because the dr office's aren't nice to her because she cancels all of the time and refused in home care when they showed up. If you made it this far reading my ramblings, I owe you a virtual hug! Any advice would be greatly appreciated as long as you understand that this has been going forever and I've tried everything I can think of. TIA!
You can't do ANYTHING at this point to help. Mom refuses your offers and seems to want to live as she and dad choose.
And they have that right.
Sadly, you are in the situation that so many of us are in: aging parents who are stubborn, angry, sick, AND make terrible decisions.
I'd call once a week, keep it short and wait for the inevitable 'fall' that will happen that will force them to make changes.
Depressing? You bet, but you cannot force them to behave. I'm so sorry.
It's been going on for about 13 years.
Those two statements contain all you need to think about. The other part is just added fluff and distraction. Soooo.....you stop. There's nothing you can do.
One phone call a week. Stop listening to what they have to say and start making it about YOU. "Mom, I got a promotion last week! I'm getting a new office and my own private rest room!" "Dad, I'm thinking of getting a new car. What do you think about the new Velico Volera XXI?" Keep it to 20 minutes and under. You can't deal with their medical issues because you're too far away. You're not interested in mom's potassium or even her pinky toe that hurts! You have suddenly turned into.....A NARCISSIST! You're THEM!
They won't like you much anymore, mom may cry and say you don't care, and actually you won't. You can start caring again when she gets out of the hospital after the inevitable fall on her head. You can care about that right now; look up rehab facilities and assisted livings in their area, memory care facilities and LT care homes. Because when they need one, you'll be ready to talk with their social workers about placement.
Don't take them in with you. Never never never. Don't move near to or in with them. Never never never. They have chosen their course. You're on the periphery, refusing to be sucked into a black hole of their making.
I hereby declare that it's officially over by making the statement, "There Is Nothing More You Can Do Period." Good luck to you.
The catastrophic event WILL come. You WILL get the call as so many of us have got "the call" from hospital. You will have to go. You will or will not have to act.
Meanwhile, Midkid is absolutely correct.
Give advice, give it once. And on you go with your own life not impacted overmuch until it IS.
Do your parents have all their legal affairs in order? POA? Will? Living will, etc.?
I would not put my energy into getting your parents moved near you.
Stop offering help. I guess when/if they complain about anything you can ask them what they think they can do about it.
Lots of great tips already given so I will just wish you the best of luck!
I agree with the others , ( absent of calling APS) all you can do is wait for the disaster that lands one or both in the hospital ……
Sorry you are dealing with this . Many of us have , are , or will be in your shoes. I’m now on fourth relative that we are waiting for the big disaster .( Both my parents and hubby’s ( divorced ) parents refused to go to assisted living voluntarily .
Also do not take them in to live with you . Do not set them up in an apartment either , otherwise they will run you ragged . They need assisted living , possibly memory care for your Mom at some point .
They will most likely not make a move from their house voluntarily. It’s an overwhelming process that they can not execute.
Keep checking in here . Vent , ask more questions as this unfolds.
(((Hugs)))
Step out of it.
My brother & had to wait 10 years to finally get our mother in AL, finally she had a slight stroke and was afraid to stay alone at night.
We moved here by us into AL, her is the kicker...she loves it...wished she had done this 10 years sooner....go figure.
Go about your life let the chips fall where they may.
My parents also lived far from my sister and I and were also in need of in home care, which my mom refused. Mom had clear signs of dementia but could still fake it well enough to get by. Dad is blind and was drinking WAY too much. I believe they were both depressed. They had the money to do whatever they wanted but refused to acknowledge that they needed help. My sister and I had spent 3 years trying to get them to move into a senior community but my mom would have no part of it. No place was "nice" enough for them. I think they were just terrified to change their life style and acknowledge that they were unable to live without help. But the truth is the truth and ignoring it just makes you vulnerable to all kinds of potential catastrophes.
In March of last year my sister and I and our husbands tried an intervention. We flew to their state and tried to talk some sense into them. It went NOWHERE. We took them to see a senior community, my blind father was fine with it, he wanted to move in the next day. My mom flatly stated "This place is not for us." So my sister and I flew back home and the mess continued.
In an effort to get my mom diagnosed (she clearly had some form of dementia), I set up an appointment with a neurologist. When we arrived at their house there was a note on the door from a neighbor. My dad had fallen the night before and gone to the emergency room. My mom was found wandering the neighborhood by this neighbor and he had taken her to the emergency room to be with my dad. Long story short, the emergency room staff wanted my dad to go to a nursing home to rehabilitate. They knew that he and my mom were unsafe in their home alone. I agreed and he was transferred. My mom had one choice, go live with him in this nursing home. She signed herself in.
I have left out a lot but the main point I have is they were never going to give up their "independence" even though they were no longer independent. They were too scared. Are they happy? I think my dad is comfortable because he now has people around him to help him. He knew that things were bad but he was afraid to make the change. We talk weekly and I write to him. They were initially placed on the same ward so they could be together but they began to fight and they were separated. I think this is good for them but I let the NH decide what was best. My mom has continued to decline. She is much less anxious due to the drugs they prescribed but she is not the women I knew. She is in memory care and my dad is on a regular ward.
The honest answer to your question is that the world today does not have enough support for the elderly community. I tried all the suggested places to turn to for help. Lawyers, Social Services, doctors but frankly, no one wants to make the hard decisions and I was told more than once, they have the right to do what they want even if I thought it was dangerous. In your heart it sounds like you know that something bad is coming and you are trying your very best to make sure that it doesn't, but you do not have the power to stop that unless you give up your life for theirs. Please don't do that. People kept telling me, "something will happen and then you will be able to step in and make the changes they need." My dad fell and once he was in a NH, my mom had no choice but to go with him. She did not want to live without him and she could no longer live safely in their home without 24/7 care. Very expensive and extremely hard to find (I tried).
I'm so sorry that you are facing this. You cannot fix what is broken. They have had their lives and I think you know that the safest thing for them is a senior community (AL, MC, or NH) or in home care if your mom will accept it. Try to listen to your inner self and acknowledge your gut feelings. You love them, that is why you are trying. It's all you can do, but please know, you cannot fix what is broken.
I so wish you the very best. Life is hard.