I'm 17 and expected to take care of my dying grandmother. Am I being selfish if I feel like I shouldn't care for her alone?

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I'm 17 and expected to take care of my dying grandmother. Am I being selfish if I feel like I shouldn't care for her alone?

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When you say caring for your grandmother alone, do you mean you're the only one doing the caring or do you mean you are anxious about being left alone with your grandmother from time to time while your mother and sister are, say, out at work or running errands?

The former would be such a bad idea that I can't imagine it's the case. So assuming that what you're afraid of is being left in charge for relatively short periods, I have a couple of ideas that I hope might reassure you.

You're only 17, and I can imagine that the idea of your grandmother needing help and not recognising you as someone she knows is pretty panic-inducing. But have more faith in yourself. Courage isn't about not being afraid of things. Courage is about "feel the fear and do it anyway." Looking back, doing this could be something to learn from and be proud of having faced.

On the practical side, what might you have to do for her? Break it down into individual tasks. You can make a phone call if she needs urgent medical or hospice help - or if you need urgent advice, come to that. You can fetch her a drink. You can hold a bowl if she needs to puke. You can wash her face, brush her hair, plump her pillows. You can read your text books sitting quietly in your grandmother's bedroom just as well as you can in your own. Above all, you can hold her hand.

Talk to your mother about what exactly is expected of you. Make sure you understand clearly what you should do, step by step, if something seems to be happening that you don't know how to handle. If you feel that you're being asked to spend too much time caregiving and it's affecting your school work or activities or friendships (although, by the way, good friends will be supporting you, not whining about your not being able to go out the whole time), then negotiate - offer to do what you think is fair, rather than getting into a fight about the whole situation.

Death is frightening. It isn't right to tell you that you're weak or selfish to want to get away from it. But you will grow as a person if you can face it squarely and know that you've done all you can to make this sad time easier on your whole family. Good luck, look after yourself, and come back to let us know how you're doing.

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Depending on level of care you are being forced to provide you may consider calling Child Protective Services. You are still considered a child until you turn 18. If you choose this routers prepared to move out on your own, get a job and provide for yourself once you turn 18.

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I personally feel I was abused by the amount of responsibility I was forced into to care for my dying grandmother. Over one winter, I was locked into an apt with nailed closed windows for the weekend with a minimal amount of groceries and told to feed her and change her diapers. There were no fire extinguishers, no way out, no phones, no tv. If all you are being asked to do is to be uncomfortable sitting with demented grandma for a few hours, then yes, you need to do this just because. Read her the Bible if you can't think of anything else to do with her. See the last season of Inspector Lewis TV show for how that works.

If you are given 12 hour stretches where you are the sole caregiver and must make sure she eats or she will die, then yes, you should not be doing that much, & she needs hospice care. Which?

By the way, you have had deaths in your family, you were just kept from their knowledge. Isn't that unfair, that you are almost an adult yet you have not learned how to deal with life's unpleasant truth? Studies show life has a 100% fatality rate.

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Are you saying that you are the only caretaker or that you are being asked to assist in caring for your GM ?
And what is it you are being asked to do? Sit with her and read, feed her, give her medication?
Is your GM on hospice? At home ? In a facility? It's difficult to know what's appropriate without knowing more about the situation.

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Yes and no. If we are talking about just a few hours, so your mom can get some respite, you are old enough to handle that, and should out of respect for your mom and your grandmother. However, if we're talking day care or long stretches at night, you are not old enough to be a primary caregiver long term, especially when she can't walk. If this continues, and you can't get help, I would suggest waiting it out until you can declare yourself an adult - and leave. I'm sorry, sweet one. Be strong. Be smart. Hugs.

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Seems to me that your mother and older sister should be part of a team caring for her rather than pushing it off onto you.

Caring for an older person is challenging enough for a young person, but more so when that older person is dying.

If your GM can't walk, not only should you not have sole responsibility or even joint responsibility for her care, but she should have professional support as well.

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I'm 17 and expected to take care of my dying grandmother. Am I being selfish if I feel like I shouldn't care for her alone?

36 Answers

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