I wonder sometimes if the things my mom with ALZ says are feelings she has had for years but now she can't keep them to herself.

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I wonder sometimes if the things my mom with ALZ says are feelings she has had for years but now she can't keep them to herself.

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KellyB -- what and interesting question and observation! I've certainly thought this about my mother who now has advanced dementia. The things that she has said at earlier stages weren't exactly spot-on, but the connections and threads of truth that were also present, made me wonder if this was the "best she could do" to explain her thoughts. And because a lot of what she said was hurtful, it but made me wonder if she needed to "get things off her chest".

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kellyb, your original post entirely hit home, and your followup “Mama was never a mild-mannered, sweet, soft-spoken lady. She has been more of a tell-you-off-in-a-heartbeat sort of girl. It makes it difficult to determine when its Mama and when its the disease talking..”

A really good topic for me too right now, thanks. My mom has always struck out far harsher than she could take, it’s like she never could hear what she said. Now.. worse? Yay! I’m going to reread some of the replies above, I do agree about child-like self protection.

I like classical music and mom does not. A few years back, when the dementia wasn’t so bad yet, she’d asked how can you like it. I said I don’t like it all, my favorite type sounds like a royal procession is about to come through. She said, Oh yes, is that because you think you’re royalty? I just stared at her and let her hear what she’d said. I’m a pretty down to earth person (and who should know that better than her).

My mother always wanted to see me be safe and get ahead, but bottom line she had, and has, to be the better of the two of us (I’m an only child. What I’d pay to have a sister always, and now!). Her only sister dominated and hurt her a lot growing up. A few years ago (at like age 50) I only finally saw that I’ve been the sister in a new scenario and this time Mom wins, she’s the dominant and important one. Still working through it. :) Women can be very hard on each other even in better circumstances.

Now instead of just dealing with how she acts towards me I’m constantly trying to find caregivers because she acts toward them like she always has with me. I’m vindicated! Now others can see what I’ve been dealing with! But it makes finding the people very hard. Ucchh.

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This probably isn't consolation, but it sounds as if your mother had narcissistic tendencies so it's quite likely if you'd had a sister, your mother would have had one of you a golden child, the other a scapegoat. If you'd been the scapegoat, it would probably have been worse than just dealing with your mother alone. As I'm sure you've seen all over this support area, siblings often create more pain, though some luck out and have great ones. I often wish I'd had no siblings as mine have been a lifelong source of painful abuse. So I guess we both wish we'd had GREAT supportive and loving sisters (not the abusive cruel kind)!!

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I read that the way they are underneath their social behaviours is the real them, and as they lose the control and ability to bring out the social behaviours so you see more and more of the real person. Not sure if its true but far more carers complain LO become less pleasant as dementia take hold than one ever hears say, my LO has become so nice to everyone since getting dementia. Guess most of us are less nice under our social face if we are honest.

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I believe this is so, my stepfather had Alzheimer’s but was a very quiet man. That was him to the end. He went thru a brief period where he’d accuse someone of taking a vacuum or jacket but never was cruel like my mother was and still is. When I tell my husband things my mother ( and my sister also) have told me my whole life he finds it shocking they are such cruel, hateful people. My sister still tells me my mother can’t stand me etc . Things I would never tell her because it would just be hurtful. But my mother and sister feel better about themselves when they hurt others, my stepfather didnt

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My mother has acted that way her entire life, she always wants to keep up with the Jones, and is terribly jealous. She has gotten worse over the years, can no longer control her nasty mouth.

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I agree, I think their filter get's clogged or shut off but my guess is this isn't something your mom has always thought about you, it isn't even about you just aimed that way because your the one there (and "safe"), I think she is probably expressing her frustration with her own current circumstance and she's longing for the time when she was active and more youthful. Yes in a way jealous of all the people around her who are driving their own cars and keeping their own houses, she resents not having that "life" anymore and you just happened to be the one in her way and the focus of her attention. Not about you more about her I guess. Her instinct is to kick and scream, fight it rather than accept and adapt, I don't know what stage is worse honestly, kicking and screaming or giving up... Still not easy for you, her or anyone around you my heart goes out to everyone living through this disease.

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Super post, thanks. No one may be above the types of things you list, and as you said, goodness knows what will come creeping out of our own selves one day. :)

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Thank you all for your answers. I have learned to find the humorous side of things when possible. My sister and I especially have to talk and laugh together about some of the off-the-wall things that come along. We both feel that it has been hard to distinguish the disease from our mom. Mama was never a mild-mannered, sweet, soft-spoken lady. She has been more of a tell-you-off-in-a-heartbeat sort of girl. It makes it difficult to determine when its Mama and when its the disease talking. Yes, her words can cut like a knife, but I struggle with not letting it hurt me. The advise you all give makes sense and I will think of these things as we go forward. I am thankful to have others to turn to who understand from experience.....although I certainly wish none of us would have been touched by this disease. Thank you all so much!

Blessings,
Kelly

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I'm so glad you have a sis you get along with (so many don't) and that you can laugh together. Honestly it is about the only way to take it. Hugs.

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I used to think that too. Let me me tell you coming from 9 years of experience, you have to let thoughts like that go! It is the disease! Think of her like a child who doesn't know any better and blurts out stupid words. Your mother because of her disease, has lost the ability to reason. She is not the mother you know and love, that mother is gone and she will not be coming back and she will not get better! I am so sorry that you are in the situation that you are in but, that type of thinking harbors resentment towards your mother. Who really cares, what your mother says? Don't correct her or argue with, just let it roll off your back. If she says inappropriate things around friends or family or stranger's, just simply say it's her disease, they will understand and if they don't F them! I know it's hard, I still find myself slightly horrified by some of the things that come out of my mother's mouth. I will get up go hug her and tell her I love you mom, it stops my mother in her tracks! This does get get easier if you can find the humor in what she says and laugh it off. Keep telling her you love her and you are on her side no matter what she says. leave little postit notes on her chair, her pillow on the bathroom mirror, reminding her every day how much you love her, I am telling you it works.

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Really nice, ceci. I still cant get to where I want to be with the things you mention, I like your explanation!

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I'm not sure, but I think they have not always believed what they say now. I hope not anyway. But they might land on a thought, memory, or imaginary happening, state it and then circle back to that exact statement again and again, so we start thinking that is what they really think of us. My mom used to call and ask me what we had been fighting about. She felt the fight still in her and wanted to continue it, but didn't remember even what side of the fight she was on after I explained the argument. This reminded me of when my mother, brother, and sister fought when we kids were still living with our parents. My dad and I stayed out of their silly fights and when we listened carefully we would find out they were all on the same side of the argument, but just wanted to yell. Some people like conflict.

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Or just know conflict. A bit off point but my parents split up when I was 13, I never heard them fight even after splitting up it was all amicable, we still all spent holidays together and I remember my mother telling me they really didn't ever argue or fight, that was part of the problem they both hated conflict and simply kept everything in to avoid it. My dad at some point told me the separation came as a complete surprise to him too but my mother needed time to "find herself" so he gave it to her. Anyway as I had relationships I realized I would pick fights when there wasn't really one, I think a part of me panicked when there wasn't conflict and felt there needed to be some for the relationship to thrive. Wonder what I will do if my brain filter starts to fail me? Yikes

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When we are close to family members we know their vulnerabilities.
Think about it. When you fight with hubby or kids you use NOT what you really BELIEVE. You use what you KNOW will HURT them most.
I once heard the kindest woman I worked with, who loved her sons more than anything and thought each one was perfect, say to the son who hated how much taller his younger brother was, in a moment of exteme frustration "Listen HERE, Shortstop............!" She says she never got over the look on his face, and it wasn't even something she even thought or believed, but she knew it would hurt him. (He's the tallest in the family now!)
If you are pulling out the nasty guns, that's how it works. So it isn't that SHE thinks you are a big muckity muck--it is rather that she thinks saying that to you will hurt you. And hurting you is what it is about at that second. Why? Because she is losing EVERYTHING, including her own power to have ANY control or ANY choice. And there is no upside in all this. This is a long slow slide into oblivion. And she is ANGRY about that. She won't always want to "go gently into this good night". So when she fights, she will bring out the big guns, the ones she believes will land a blow. It isn't that SHE believes it; but she believes it will hurt you. It is "war" pure and simple.
They get angry. They get depressed. They get desperate and they are desperate to be HEARD.
And, hon, I guess you HEARD THAT, right? Oh, my... oh my. A Wilson from Tignall. It doesn't get worse!
Try to see the humor in it, when you are able. I am so sorry. Wish I could give you a hug, because if I know anything, it's that you are NOT one of those "Wilsons from Tignall"!
Hee hee.

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Oh wow! U said it girl!!

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I have had this exact thought! MIL blurted out, when she was picking a fight, "Oh yes, you come from a broken home, you LOVE drama!" . . . . and all I could think was, this is the first I've heard this thought. Has she disliked me because my parents divorced when I was in grade school? Has she had that in the back of her mind all this time (32 years)? Wow.

It really is hard, when something like this or what your mom said comes out, it's so hard not to think there is a kernel of truth at the very core of it. It just doesn't seem like it came from nothing, you know?

[[[hugs}}} Kelly, it has to be so much worse when it's your own mom :(

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Maybe rather than thinking that she has always felt badly about you having come from a "broken home" and it's simply coming out backwards. Maybe she has always admired that you aren't a lot of drama even though your parents divorced and she assumes that means there was a lot of drama or she meant the statement sarcastically (has often thought it but restrained herself in case it might hit a nerve and she didn't want to hurt you) "YOU love drama (not)!" she just doesn't deliver it the way she means it in her current state?

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My mother told my sister she should have let her die when she was born. No, I don't think they mean what they sometimes say. I also think they would be horrified if they knew. Bless you for caring for her, many are unable to do it.

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Your sister is lucky to have you to validate what was said to her.

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I wonder sometimes if the things my mom with ALZ says are feelings she has had for years but now she can't keep them to herself.

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