My mom is in the moderate stages of ALZ. Sometimes she says things that make me wonder, "Has she always felt this way? Has she always thought this about me (or whoever)?" I suspect that with her disease that she just is not so capable of hiding her true feelings as she used to. For instance, she recently started acting as though she thought that I believe I am better than her. She very sarcastically stated, "Oh! I forgot!! You are one of the WILSONS from TIGNALL (my town)!!! Yeah, living in your NICE house, driving your FANCY car!!" Folks, I have an average house and drive a Nissan SUV. Nothing special at all!!! It came across to me that she resented me for something! And I truly feel that she may not have just started feeling this way since ALZ set in. So that led me to wonder whether ALZ may cause someone to lose their ability to keep such feelings and/or thoughts to themselves like they may have been doing in the past. I know they can become less filtered in things they say. And I know they can be hateful, even mean, at times. But I think at least SOME of what is said is from not being able to hold their feelings in. Does anyone else experience this?
My mom did that to me. Let me first say that she kicked her own elderly mother out and then later in life when I lost my job and had moved in with her, I had to move out. What I heard in a meeting with Mom and the social worker was, "You live up there in your BIG house" and "I never kicked YOU out" as if I had done so to her (I didn't). My house almost qualifies as a "tiny home". Almost. It's very small.
I think my mother knew she was inflicting pain. I don't think she cared that the facts were wrong. Later her counselor told me that she was sharp as a tack. It doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with but the social worker told me that they can't control their emotions as well when they get older, but I didn't see anything different than what had gone on as far back as I remember. What's new to the nursing home wasn't new to me. I can empathize. And I think you're right.
It really hurts when she tells me that I take care of her because they pay me.
Or the she hates me because Im bossy.
I have step back and remind myself that she is sick but I think the same thing.....is that really how she felt before all this Dementia thing started.
Is it the disease or our LOs telling the truth...I don't know! Perhaps it is a little of both. Maybe at times there is some truth that has found its way out of the dark shadows of their mind and other times, it is their brain misfiring and mixing things up.
When my mother goes on saying something hurtful I tell her to stop and if she continues then I walk out of the room. If I can't walk out and she doesn't stop I just change the subject. I really don't let it get to me anymore. I just think of myself as a duck and her words are water that just rolls off my feathers!
What a very good subject! Just try not to take it personal...easier said than done! Right!
So, I agree with you...........lots of what they're saying to us comes from not being able to hold their feelings in.
I have my own theory too. From my experience, dementia presents itself within the personality of the "person who was". By that I mean, for the most part, if the person was controlling that continues. If the person was fairly easy going, that continues. But, those behaviors are distorted by the fear and uncertainty that the disease causes when the body slowly fails and the mind no longer cooperates. The disease robs in stages, so that sometimes we forget what it happening inside the life of the person we love. We take it personally, when it is not personal. (It's like taking a hurricane personally. Instead, we prepare and change our own behavior.) The internal struggles of dementia are personal and hidden. We can only guess the content of that struggle. It must be horrifying to try to hold onto who you are when those around you may be misunderstanding. Our roles as caregivers are multi-faceted: 1) treat our loved ones with compassion always 2) accept that we cannot insist that they respond as they once did - that's futile 3) care for ourselves fully 4) find ways to find joy in the days we have together.
Best to all
"GET OUT"
"It's MY house!"
"Whatever I WANT!"
If I weren't so tired I'd think of more.
She's even referred to my dad, her beloved to whom she had been devoted 70+ years as "jerk" LOL
When I can't laugh about it, it is hurtful. Some old feelings have regenerated, as my out of state sister who has done zilch, not even responding to my emails to convey empathy remains the Good Daughter. Another person who was friends with my mother who is younger than mom/older than me shared some information that made it clear mom's judgemental nature threw bricks in the way of my having a social life and friends.
My only concern is that her snarky attitude may be picked up if we ever have help in the house and an outsider may take the comments seriously and think there is truth to the statement. She pulled an attitude when we were in with the neurologist who specialized in dementias who was a love. (also btw, she was sharp enough when they sent an envelope to her in error, to call and cancel the appt which we didn't know until the day of it! and had to reschedule) He asked her some questions and she made some snarky comment about my being responsible for her being there and he responded by saying how I loved her very much. It can get ugly. I am her enemy and her hatred comes out especially if she is being urged to do something like get out of the way when a bed is being delivered or someone is painting a wall etc.