My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
Benjamin Button is a fantastic movie that happened to be filmed in my city! New Orleans did fairly well in the filming industry. The actors loved filming here. Unfortunately, a former governor, which I will refrain from mentioning, really screwed things up for us.
Then Atlanta started getting our business and many people here lost their jobs due to a loss in filming.
We rely on tourism and filming here was a plus! They spent lots of money while they were here, hotels, dining at our great restaurants or going to hear our local music, etc.
My nephew works in the film industry and is also a musician. Anyway, that was one of his favorite films to work on.
I think it would be so interesting to go from old to young, like in Benjamin Button.
They filmed a movie with Ashley Judd in New Orleans called Double Jeporady. Loved that movie too.
I agree we should all age backwards.
"Whose going to wipe me?" As if even your 95 year old dad should be taking that on either. He's not exactly a spring chicken.
I think if you stick to this forum you will be able to stand your ground with mom and not cave into her growing demands and neediness.
You live in Florida perhaps it's time for parents to sell house and move into a facility closer to you.
Florida is old people heaven with lots of resources.
Might be something to consider.
And note I did not say they should live with you.
Even if you had nothing to do no one gets to decide what you do with your time.
I always believed this. I never made excuses to anyone for why I wouldn't provide child or elder care for them. I'm an adult. I don't owe anyone an explanation for why or why I do not do something.
This has been known to rub some people the wrong way and to be honest, I don't care.
My mother had a hip replacement at 99 and for several reasons I didn't drive down to help her. She hired someone for that. She would have liked me to come and live with her then and basically be her servant. No way!!!!
As Barb says - your needs are way more important than her wants. Your health issues deserve to be your priority. for the foreseeable future.
Ignore her mad! Let her be angry. Look after yourself!!!! Breath deep and relax. You did the right thing, Considering your health issues, anyone who makes any demands on you is selfish and or cognitively impaired.
So?
So what?
Your mother being angry at you isn't physically dangerous to you.
Ignoring your cancer symptoms and missing an Onco appointment IS dangerous.
You need to let your parents arrange their own care, or help them hire a geriatric care manager with THEIR money.
You go home with ur DH when he comes to get you. Sick or not, you cannot continue to live this way. Your Mom will manage because she has to. If she can't they will need to hire the people they need.
" I HAD BREAST CANCER - ONLY 3 YEARS IN REMISSION -I’M IN PAIN FROM MEDS AND HAVE EXTREME MENOPAUSE SYMPTOMS FROM THEM." Have you told your parents this? That you cannot continue doing for them because you have your own health issues? And now a respiratory infection. Tell your husband to come now.
https://bcsnygroup.com/appointments/?gclid=CjwKCAiAwc-dBhA7EiwAxPRylNyIvc_CnGg74tW1iDNx6m3kZ3Z2BlNDEmWgBcXqYC5IJg3cxQe9GxoCYGYQAvD_BwE
If they can't see you, call your regular doctor for a referral.
Seems like you are caught in the fog - fear, obligation and guilt. You can walk away from that. it's hard changing patterns of a life time but it can be done. Therapy helps.
Why are you scared? Don't be afraid. You are doing what you reasonably can for them and for yourself and your hub. I think you are having some totally unreasonable expectations put on you. I gather you think that too. Time to break away from fear of your parents anger and other negative reactions. Detach emotionally, at least to some extent. That doesn't mean you don't love them, but that you don't let their emotions and choices affect you so much. Wishing you the best.
You come from a boundary-less Italian family. I did too.
Here's the thing. If you WANT, you CAN change this dynamic. But it means YOU have to change.
AND it means that you need to be able to tolerate your parents' anger and angst.
Think about what you'd like to do.
There is a counseling group in Bay Ridge/Besonhurst stated by an Italian-American Social Worker to deal with exactly these issues. She started her agency to address the precise boundary-less-ness issues that exist in many families in the area. They do Zoom sessions. You might find some counseling like this useful. Let me know if you'd like the link.
It is far past the time to talk to them both about moving into an assisted living facility. From here on out expect crisis after crisis with them.
95 and getting a pace maker is just insanity.
This. ?
Why does this make you confused?
Q. If you LOVE someone - does this mean you need to OBEY their every want or wish?
I never promised in my wedding vows to OBEY my Husband. I never promised my folks or siblings to always obey their every request - from reasonable to rediculous.
I am free to say yes or no.
Others are free to say yes or no to my requests also.
That said, it's time to work with Dad on what to do about Mom. Caring for her increasing needs is going to burn him out, and he may well die before she does. Her inability to clean herself will lead to infections and skin breakdown.
I was in your situation -- my mother was heavy, couldn't wipe herself, and it fell to me to do that. (My dad had his limits and that was it.) The problem was, I wasn't there but once a week. You can imagine how that went.
It's time to get Mom into some kind of care situation, whether it's home care or a facility.
True, at 90 she isn't going to lose weight on her own. I'm sure she doesn't do the grocery shopping herself, so whoever is brining in all the cookies she stuffs herself with needs to stop.
She needs to understand that if she's too big to be cared for by homecare, she goes into a nursing home where there are no cookies. Not even one.
She'll either start being reasonable or she gets placed. If she's still in her right mind at all, she will get reasonable and cooperative with homecare aides coming to help.
Your mommy is mad because it has been so effective at keeping you dancing to her tune. You have been going through this for decades, I'm thinking you just want to rant and continue doing what mommy tells you. Rant away!
1 min ago
Edit
ANOTHER GUILT RANT FROM ME: WE WERE ALWAYS WITH MY PARENTS - EVERY WEEKEND, EVERY HOLIDAY EVERY TRIP, EVERY SICKNESS. WE CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! I HAD BREAST CANCER - ONLY 3 YEARS IN REMISSION -I’M IN PAIN FROM MEDS AND HAVE EXTREME MENOPAUSE SYMPTOMS FROM THEM. I HAVE NEVER COMPLAINED AND ASKED FOR HELP. I’M ALSO SICK FROM A RESPIRATORY INFECTION AND SLEEPING ON A PULLOUT BED FOR 7 WEEKS. THERE IS NO DRAWER SPACE FOR MY CLOTHES BECAUSE THEY THREW OUT THE STORAGE BASKETS THEY WERE IN. I ALSO HAVE PTSD FROM AN ABUSIVE BROTHER. READ MY OTHER POSTS. I MISS MY HOME AND MY HUSBAND SO MUCH. I’M SO BORED TOO! MY MOM SAYS DON’T BE LONG WALKING MY PUPPY. SHE JUST BLAMED MY PUPPY FOR BARKING AT HER THERAPIST, BUT HER OWN DOG STARTED THE BARKING. SHE WANTS ME TO STAY HERE FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FOR MY DAD TOO. MY HUSBAND WHO SHE ADORES GOT IN TROUBLE FOR SAYING THAT YIOU HAVE TO START DOING THINGS FOR YOURSELF SO YOU CAN BE INDEPENDENT AGAIN. SHE REPLIED I’M SICK AND YOU'RE GOING ON AND ON. SHE TOLD ME TO GO HOME TO YOUR HUSBAND. SHE WOULD NEVER LEAVE HER HUSBAND, BUT SHE DID LEAVE HER MOTHER AND MOVED TO A DIFFERENT COUNTRY. THAT WAS OK FOR HER. I SUPPORTED THEM AND LEFT MY NEW HUSBAND FOR WEEKS AT A TIME TO TRAVEL CROSS COUNTRY FINDING HOUSES FOR MY BROTHER TO LIVE IN. I THINK I DO NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. I JUST WANT TO GO HOME! P.S. MY DAD WAS AN AIRLINE PILOT FOR 30 YEARS. THEY TRAVELED SO MUCH AND DID WHAT THEY HAD TO DO. SHE LEFT HER MOTHER. MY HUSBAND AND I NEVER LEFT THEM ALONE WHEN WE TRAVELED. WE WANT OUR LIFE BACK! WE ARE IN OUR 60’s WITH NO KIDS AND WANT TO START TRAVELING AGAIN. THEY DID WHAT THEY HAD TO DO AT OUR AGE. MY DAD IS 95 AND IN EXCELLENT CONDITION. HE CAN CARE FOR MY MOM. THE ONLY REASON SHE WANTS ME TO STAY IS SO I CAN HELP WIPE HER! WE JUST DON’T WANT TO BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF!
Its not worth making yourself sick over your selfish, elderly parents.
This is a sick relationship you have with them. There's closeness but this is over and beyond that. It's ridiculous.
And yes you are being taken advantage of.
Yes, you need to go home. Just go.
AND YES, you need to get professional help. You need to find a Mental Health Counselor or Social Worker in your area who you can meet with weekly.
Its too late to do anything else but continue devoting your life to a mentally unstable mother until she dies. Had you truly wanted help, you'd have gotten it long before you spent your savings on their mortgage or dragged your husband along to care for people who could have and should have been caring for themselves or paying for care in Assisted Living.
This level of enmeshed behavior is too much to be fixed, imo. It's too deep and ongoing for WAYYYY too long now.
Good luck to you and your poor dh and puppy.
But, op, the holidays are over. Your husband has returned to work, and you need to go home to your man and your life.
Neither are we responsible for other people's happiness.
Sometimes, in-law's words and methods may not work well, the motivation could be viewed negatively.
You Dad is going to have to wipe your Mom. You may want to have a discussion with him that they need some help. That maybe its time for an AL? That your #1 responsibility is to your husband. As Dads #1 responsibility is to his wife.
Your mother says she would never have your father wipe her? Remind her that you are not the one who made a vow to her in sickness and in health. He is.
It really angers me when an entitled elder refuses to have anyone but a person of their choosing wipe their a$$, or change their diapers, or let in their house to help them. It makes me even angrier when I hear one proclaim that someone "can't" clean their crap or help them wash.
Here's the alternative, she stays in her own mess. She doesn't get washed up. The house doesn't get cleaned and the laundry doesn't get done.
You're not trapped. OnWhen your mother gets tired of smelling like sh*t and having an irritated backside, she will try the tool you bought her to help her wipe. Or she'll ask her husband for help. Or she'll start being more open-minded to allowing homecare aides to assist them both in the home.
My dear, you go home today. Cleaning can is not your life. GO HOME! Everything will be fine.
just say no….