My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
You will need to get used to her being mad at you, or weeping or unhappy in some way. That takes some emotional detaching. Doesn't mean you are hard or don't care for her, but that you are not going to be FOG-ed (fear, obligation or guilt) into being her servant. You are her child - not her servant. In healthy families a child is encouraged to leave the nest and build their own life. You have that right and that responsibility to yourself.
Just say "No, I can't possibly do that".
If your mom wants her furniture rearranged, she can hire someone to do that. It's NOT in your job description.
AND then take your dog for a lllllllonnnnggggg walk.
Have you considered getting a hotel room for the next few days? That's what I would do.
No one here is going to say "at least you have your mom". That's not who we are. We love our parents, but many of us have parents who taught us how to say "no", how to protect out mental and physical health.
Yours didn't.
So what?
As for you’re going to Europe, you buy your tickets, pack your bags, say goodbye with a huge smile 😃 on your face and then fly off into the wild, blue yonder! Simple! That is a no brainer!
Everyone should have problems this easy to fix. Do you even realize how fortunate you are to be able to retire comfortably in Europe?
Max,
Start being extra grateful for what you do have in your life. You have so much to look forward to.
Don’t take your health for granted. Your health is everything!
Live YOUR best life with your husband. Forget about what went wrong up to now. Everyone that is breathing has had their share of problems in their lives. You don’t have to be stuck in misery.
Learn to place everything in the proper perspective. Let the past go. It’s over. Stop holding on. You’re not being brave or even doing the right thing by continuing to hold on. It didn’t work years ago and it isn’t working now, nor will it ever work. So. once and for all, let go and enjoy your life.
One thing that my therapist said to me was that I had more years behind me than ahead, so stop wasting time. He was right! You have wasted a ton of time and money. Put an end to it and send us all photos of your favorite places in Europe!
WHEN she becomes upset, LEAVE the premises.
Let her understand by your ACTIONS (not your words) that you will not continue to be her slave.
If you give in every time she gets upset, you are TELLING her that getting upset works as a tool of manipulation.
Do you give your dog food every time he yaps? No, of course not.
STOP reinforcing her bad behavior.
Stop kowtowing to her demands.
Say "NO" and mean it. The way you mean it is by leaving.
PLEASE consider getting a hotel room.
"Mom, Dad, we are very excited. We are going to retire to Europe next year".
Mom: "What about us, What are your plans for us? Your just going to abandon us, aren't you. (weeping ensues).
"Mom, you and dad are going to hire a geriatric care manager who will find you a nice retirement community so you can have a life separate from ours."
(mom weeps and throws a tantrum)
You continue packing.
DON'T respond to this balderdash. Enough is enough.
You sound childish (to your own ears) because your mom never encouraged you to live your own life. She kept you tied to her so she could be guaranteed HER freedom. She is a supremely selfish person.
At least that's how it sounds to me, despite your telling us how wonderful she is.
Oh my gosh, no one on this wide green earth has ever had a ‘perfect’ family 100 percent of the time.
When we see others who appear to have great lives, we have no idea what they have endured behind closed doors.
I have a couple of friends that have spent time at a women’s shelter for months after being in abusive relationships. Ha! They were both married to very successful men that abused them horribly.
No one would ever suspect this if they saw them now. My point is that we all have our own stories to tell.
My father would say the same thing if I went on vacation "who is going to take care of me" (this was when he was capable of living on his own). I told him that was his responsibility to figure out. I wasn't his caretaker, I was his daughter who helped him out because he didn't drive. It was not my job to find him another daughter to fill in for me.
Why do you worry so much about what your parents think. That was OK as a child but you are now an adult on the verge of retiring. Your going to Europe alone because they can no longer travel, Mom needs too much help. And who would be providing that help. How can it be a vacation when you have to take care of someone the whole time. You tell Mom your going to Europe the day before you leave. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO HAVE A VACATION ALONE WITH YOUR HUSBAND. Call it a second honeymoon.
I really think u and DH should stay in a motel on Friday night. Say ur goodbyes then. Saturday you and DH have a nice breakfast together and home you go. Seems your Dad is very capable of caring for Mom. That is his job. Just like your job is being there for your husband. When Mom asks you when your coming back, say you have no idea. You have already given her over 2 months of your life.
You put too much stress on yourself. You have already had a serious health episode. Stress is not good for cancer. I would think this scare would have made you realize that you need to live your life for you. You and DH should make memories together. Your going into a new phase in you life. You have given enough of your life to your parents. Your Mom should be praising God that she still has a daughter. Maybe that is what you need to tell her. "Mom having cancer made me realize I have given too much of my life to you. So now DH is retiring, we will be doing a lot more just us"
When she asks about Dads birthday, just say after spending over 2 months with them, u can't possibly come back in less than a month. Maybe have a birthday party Friday with cake. You seem to worry about her reactions. So she gets upset, that is not your fault.
When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you get. You are not responsible for how your Mom eats. She knows she isn't suppose to have salt but she eats it. Thats between her, Dad and her doctor. When your all packed up and ready to leave you give them both a hug and a kiss on the cheek and tell them you will see them when u see them.
My MIL chose to live in Fla at 68 yrs old. It was a 16 hr drive for us. We had two kids. One 11 the other 3. You know how much we went down, 1x a year until we retired. Then it was 2x a year. Once around Summer the other Thanksgiving. I spent Christmas with my girls and grands.
I know someone who struggles with constant worry and I limit my time around her because I feel so drained after being with her.
When I tell her that she has to stop worrying excessively over trivial issues, she says that she has been this way all of her life.
I have found that 99 percent of the things that most people worry about never even come to pass. Some people have huge issues with anxiety. It’s sad.
I'm curious; did she give into YOUR every whim and tantrum as a child?
Wishing you well in your journey.
We ALL want to please our moms and we all love our moms. I certainly did both of these things.
But the thing is, when your health is at stake (and yours is--you HAVE to go back and make sure that your cancer is still in remission, yet?) and when you find that you can't even start to think about retirement because your mom is throwing tantrums and demanding that you become her personal hands on caregiver when there are PLENTY of other folks who can do that--you have to start wondering if YOUR life EVER comes first, ya know?
Most parents bend over backwards to make sure that their kids' lives are better than their own. That they get the education, the emotional and medical support they need to start on the path to a productive life of giving back to their community and the next generation.
The work that a parent puts into a child gets paid forward, in my world view, not back to the parent (your mom might disagree with this).
I'm truly sorry that you're so "stuck" on making sure that your mom doesn't get upset at you. It must be an awful place to be.
Does your dad understand?
She has justified, excused and made her mthrs behavior acceptable for 63 years.
Pretty hard to admit this and many never do. Sadly!
hug!! i wonder if your mother (like many abusive, screaming, dominator-ruler-wannabe, tyrant mothers), retaliates if you don't do what she ORDERS you to do?
if you fear her screaming, it's probably not just the screaming you fear. anyone can walk away from someone screaming. the trouble is, what are the consequences?
a lot of these abusive people have all sorts of strings they can pull on, and if you don't do as they want, they'll REALLY retaliate. i'm guessing your mother doesn't just scream, otherwise you would have done all that a long time ago: (1) walk out the room when she screams, (2) pay no attention to the screaming, (3) don't reward the screaming, etc., etc.
if it were so easy, you would have done it.
so the story is probably more complicated. maybe there are all sorts of consequences if you don't do as your mother commands.
If Max and her husband are paying the parents' mortgage then they have no way to retaliate. And if she walked away right now today APS would place two elderly and vulnerable adults (her parents) because they cannot function without a 24-hour caregiver slave. So really, there won't be any retaliation.
If they make threats that's what the police are for.
Max doesn't leave because she doesn't want to leave. For all of her complaining, venting, and lamenting she enjoys the drama and the martyrdom on enough of a level that it keeps her there.
She's exactly where she wants to be.
I guess it IS possible that Max's mom is like Tony Soprano's mom and has minions who are not "just" flying monkeys, but really dangerous folks.
BUT since all of the sacrifice of time, money and health has been by the OP, I am inclined to encourage her to learn to set some firm boundaries.
Did you look into doing online therapy?
I know that you don’t have children. I was adamant about raising my daughters to be independent. That is our job as a parent.
I don’t ever want my daughters to be my caregivers. It upset me terribly when I heard them say that they would care for me like I did for my mom.
I put a stop to that immediately and told them that I would never expect them to do anything other than being my daughters.
If you were a parent and you had a daughter, would you allow her to do everything that you have done for your mom and dad?
I seriously doubt that you would expect your child to do all of this, so why do you feel that your mom has the right to expect this from you?
LET MOM SCREAM! She is a tyrant. You start pkging tonight. When your husband gets there he stays in the car. You tell ur parents time to go. Hug and kiss them. If Mom starts, say can't deal with this now DH is waiting and WALK OUT. Get a nice hotel up the road and have a nice dinner. ITS TIME TO GROW UP. You know this or you wouldn't have come on this forum and put up with us. Because...you know we r right. No one person should have this kind of control over another. You raise ur kids and let them fly the nest.
You know Moms going to scream whether u leave tomorrow or Saturday. Whats one day matter.
max, I have no suggestions that haven't already been said 200 times, different ways. I just hope you have the courage to some of them.
The assignment was to go to the movies.
I was very enmeshed and helpless. He gave me the name of the movie.
He told me which subway to get on.
He told me what time the movie was playing.
I think you should go out tonight. To a movie, to a mall, just OUT.
Don't ask permission. Just get out of your parents' house for a minimum of 2 hours, Like a grownup would.
Take a cab or car service if you have to, but GO OUT.
That is your first assignment.
polarbear
2 hours ago
Regular posters, don't you feel like you're banging your heads against a brick wall trying to get through to max?
max, I have no suggestions that haven't already been said 200 times, different ways. I just hope you have the courage to some of them.
D
Daughterof1930
1 hour ago
Exactly, Polar Bear! I’ve decided to think of Max now sitting on a comfy chair with a view of the ocean, far from the tyrannical mother she’s finally broken free of, but still yanking the chains of everyone here just for funsies. It would beat the probably reality
You’re not the only one that has been criticized for having a long thread.
Honestly, who cares how long the thread is? Why should it annoy people if it’s long?
It doesn’t matter if your thread is a paragraph or a novel.
Anyone who doesn’t want to read it can and should skip it. Those who wish to support you will remain.
This is a support group for caregivers. You are a caregiver and deserve to speak about your concerns.
I hope that when you finally get to Europe, all of this will only be a distant memory.
When we come here sharing our troubles and needing change in our lives we are exposed to new ways, new ideas, new thoughts. We need to learn about them. That happens best in an atmosphere of trust. IMO it's up to us as the longer time members of this forum to develop that and not to devalue any other member.
Max. I think you are learning some things that are useful to you. You are still here interacting and I believe that at least some of what you read is striking some chords inside you that you are and will benefit from.
I must say that I am very proud of Max for standing up for herself and I too feel that she has as much value as everyone else, regardless of how she is responding to her circumstances.
There are respectful ways to communicate and disrespectful ways. I hope others will take your words seriously and realize the way they say things matter.
There is one forum member who's been here for years. He's been complaining (for 8 to 10 years now probably) about his dad walking all over him and his wife and treating them like doormats, and how the stress is killing them both. He's been given advice again and again for many many years. Each time he comes back to complain, it's the same old things. He hasn't taken one advice or made one change to improve anything.
I told him I didn't believe he could make any changes, not even one. And I challenge him to prove me wrong. He hasn't.
Making changes is too hard, harder than enduring the abuse.
Believe me, I had an extremely long caregiver experience. I understand and know how hard it is. I also became ‘stuck’ for lack of a better word.
I am grateful to many who were patient with me.
You’ll get through this.
Well max, you said you're from Brooklyn NY, meaning you are tough, street smart and take no BS from anyone.
Time to show it or else TALK IS CHEAP.
Are there any in person caregiver support groups near you? I enjoyed going to one that was led by a licensed social worker.
An ‘in person’ support group has a completely different vibe than an online forum.
The social worker was a caregiver to her own mother. She had been through quite a bit with her mom before she decided that placement was the best option for her mom.
Everyone had a chance to speak about their experiences. No one spoke out of turn. All were respectful and some of us even went out for coffee after the meeting.
Check to see if there are any ‘in person’ support groups nearby. I think you would appreciate the difference between an online forum and a face to face group.