My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
PS: I do voice my opinion and can be very verbal, and so can my husband, but we agreed to back off sometimes. My mother says “What a mouth you have, but she says I love you so much. I know she loves me and I do love her too, but I think I’m petrified about what my future will look like!
At what cost to yourself, Max? You said you are exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically, I don't wonder at that.
She once again said I bet you can’t wait to leave us and I said of course I can’t. Did you forget I have a husband for 36 years and a home? She actually laughed. Really, it’s funny?
I would plan for my exit if you haven't already and leave. You have a husband that you have pledged your life and your future to.
Will she allow you to talk to her primary care doctor or a social worker? Go and get ideas from them on how others have dealt with similar situations. You don't mention what part your Dad plays into all of this.
If he is okay for you to leave immediately, then leave.
You have a kind heart and your Mom is making sure she takes full advantage of it. Don't....you need a lot of that heart for yourself and your husband and others in your family.
P.S. It really sounds like she is not happy with herself, therefore, she thinks she can be happy by being demanding to be pampered. The twist where she showers you with compliments after demand and demand and demand. That's classic emotional abuse.
You are in a co-dependent, enmeshed relationship with your family. Look up those terms.
In some cultures, that is the norm. In the U.S., it is not.
Because you are, and have been, supporting your parents for many years, you may not be able to disentangle from this web easily.
Conside posting the financial situation on www.bogleheads.org, or seek the advice of an elder law attorney who as a social worker on staff. They exist, especially in Florida.
When I feel like that, I take a nap, listen to music, soak in a hot bath, take a relaxing walk by the creek alone. (Must admit to watching some junk on TV too).
Depending on what stage of life this was, sometimes I just had to push through. Nap may have been a quick 5 mins in the car (parked!) before the school run.
These days I take more time to stop & revive. I CHOOSE to do so.
Self-care.
Valuing ourselves.
Taking responsibility for our own needs.
Max, what did you do for yourself for restoration after your draining day?
It's just a small snapshot of one day, but it may show you a lot. That old saying: Lead, Follow, Get (out of the way).
Lead your own day, follow everyone's plan or get away for a walk, nap, bath.
* Lead: Organise more help for your folks.
* Follow: go along with Mom & Dad's plan (or lack of..). They want XYZ, so you provide it.
* Get: go home
It really comes down to what you want more & what you are more afraid of.
To lead you will benefit from therapy to support you while you make changes.
Follow will see you entrenched as maid & wiper.
Get going home may bring feelings of guilt or separation anxiety. Also resentment at putting your life constantly on hold - arranging dogcare, flying in every few weeks/months for every new crises. Getting stuck each time.
Inaction will result in the default existing pattern of Follow - but change of mind is possible at any time.
I looked back on a old post from 2015 and then u were 50. So now your going on 58, by AARP terms your a senior. You have been thru breast cancer and from what I understand, the chemo effects you for quite a long time. 58 is not old but those treatments took a lot out of you. I have heard energy levels and strength don't always come back. You are probably going to need to continue to pay for your parents mortgage, hard to stop now. But when one of them passes, the other will need to go into somekind of care.
I know they are in their 90s, bad time to start sticking up for yourself. But you need to. You may need to allow the State to take over their care eventually. You are only one person with health problems of her own that may have been brought on by the stress ur under.you need to get rid of that stress. You need to find the tools to deal with Mom. YOU need to have boundries. Mom will try to cross them but you need to stand firm. Sorry Mom, this is how it needs to be. Really, it gets me that your Mom is so formidable with you, but afraid of your brother.
Don't sit around sparring with mom. It's bad for your health. And hers.
What happens if mom strokes out (or pretends to) the day before you leave?
You have the gift of time right now. Use it to find good facilities.
I can can tell you from person experience that the hospital your mom (or dad) is admitted to wants to know where you want your parent sent for rehab. You need to know where the places are that are acceptable.
Move the focus away from what Mom says, thinks or even remembers (although concerning). This is all outside your control.
Focus in what is INside your control.
1. Report your concerns (in writing) to Mom's Doctor.
2. Packing your bag.
3. Considering asking DH to book a local hotel for his first night back & go join him per JoAnn's excellent suggestion.
If your skillset is not research, that's ok. We all have our different talents. Yours may be a daily call for emotional support (from your home).
Her asking is her worry, her separation anxiety.
Meet Emotion with Emotion.
A *factual date* is not required. Be vague + emotive eg Soon. I'll be looking forward to it. As soon as it's possible.
Even the best promise in the world can get derailed anyway Eg Covid
Have you got your doctor's appointment set up?
I also had concerns that mom's "wiping" wasn't sufficient. I bought few gadgets to help, none did. Until
the bidet! It was less than $50 and after some fun, thoughtful, careful, introduction, it's been great. Specifically designed for women, but everyone can use, cleans front and "back"! My mom also struggles with mobility and weight so had to tweak things just a little for access to controls but it was no problem. With a little practice and humor this wonderful invention helped!
They seem "scary" at first but I assure you after 2,3 times you wonder how you did without and if we lived in a European country we probably would've grown up with one.
So that's my advise, I sincerely hope it helps you or someone else. We need all the help and successes we can get.
Btw, I got it on Amazon and got one for myself!
Much love, peace & support,
Carol's youngest, Lisa ♥
When Mom asks when you coming back say at this point say you have no idea. If she pushes it say "Mom give me a break. I have been here for two months. Give me a chance to get used to being home and dealing with Doctors before asking that question." Then when you get home and she asks say "Mom I cannot answer that but when I decide I am coming a certain time, then I will call u"
Do not tell her you won't be coming for Dads birthday now. Wait till u get home and tell her in one of your ph calls but not the one you make to tell her ur home. When u tell her just say "sorry, no. After 2 months staying with you, I have too much to catch up on."
Really, the 23rd is only about 3 weeks after you left.
This.
This is the opportunity to start CHANGING the communication style right here.
Do NOT tell her.
Unless you can be bold & tell her plain.
Either way, short confident answers work well.
Long waffling, wavering worries just invite trouble.
Like poking a wasp nest. Wasps come out.
This is not about what snappy comeback to make to your mom.
This is about you becoming single minded in your effort to DISENGAGE from "discussions".
The only way to not get manipulated by your mother is to disengage. Stop responding to her provocations.
She is an adult. You are an adult.
You are two separate people. How she eats is no concern of yours and should have no bearing on your coming and going.
If mom needs supervision of her food intake, someone to prepare healthy meals for her and someone to wipe her, there are loads of good ALs in Florida. There are also numerous home health care agencies.
This simply is NOT your job.
You are returning home on January 28th. No further conversation about that.
If she ever had the ability to accept “No.” for an answer, it may be gone now, lost to mental illness and/or cognitive decline.
So she gets to make bad choices for herself, but not for her daughter, who should go home on time, offer assistance with sourcing professional care in her periodic phone calls, and prepare to insist on a needs assessment and safe discharge if/when the fluid retention leads to an ER visit and hospitalization for shortness of breath.
It doesn’t really matter what your mom has to say about this or that situation.
Don’t aggravate yourself with thoughts of what your mom may or may not say to you.
It is senseless to worry about something that hasn’t happened or may not happen.
Spend your time wisely by focusing on having everything ready for you to leave on schedule. Don’t procrastinate. Don’t delay. It’s time to go back home.
Are you concerned that your mom won’t be understanding about you going back home?
Even if she is unpleasant, you can’t stop her from feeling as she does. Allow her to feel however she wants to even though it may make you uncomfortable. Don’t argue with her. You aren’t going to change her mind. Say goodbye, and leave.
Children have been doing the opposite of what their parents have desired since the beginning of time. Why should you break this trend? 😊
Here's the thing. Swooping leads to resentment. It disables the person you are "helping" because it robs them of autonomy, free choice and the ability to learn problem solving skills for themselves.
You can't be responsible another person's happiness. You can't care more about their health than they do.
Your parents have made some pretty awful choices in their lives; from what you've written, they have never endured any of the consequences because you've swooped in and saved them every time.
Has that worked out for you?
Your dad sounds mentally okay, yes? Give him the names of some Home Health agencies to call to set up services. Take a look at some ALs on your own so you can help your parents choose where to go for rehab when the next crisis occurs.
Keep in touch by phone and when the next crisis happens, DO NOT get on a plane. Call the hospital and talk to Discharge Planning on Day One. Your mantra should be "my mother is no longer safe at home".
She loved the good looking PT who played Sinatra for her to exercise to. She had success with the OT as well.
She enjoyed visiting with the aides and nurses. I felt that it was mentally stimulating as much as it was physically enriching for her.
Your dad sounds like he is on board with your plan. He’s seems to be supportive of you.
I am sorry about your headaches returning. It will be wonderful to sleep in your own bed when you return home.
Keep reminding yourself that it doesn’t matter what she says or feels. That’s your mom just being your mom, right? Why would you expect anything differently from her at this point in her life? She’s set in her ways.
It is her choice as to what she eats. If she chooses to eat things that are not good for her, she will suffer the consequences. She knows that. You don't have to say anything at all. Don't let her use this to manipulate you.
If you have decided to stay longer with her in the past because she is not looking after herself you have allowed her to control you. But you can't, in fact, control her can you?
This is about saying "No" to being manipulated and controlled by your mother.
Go home and get on with your own life no matter what she says or does. She has choices and so do you.
Truthfully I don't think most of us care what your mother has said or done. her behaviour and your behaviour are not tied together. You are not Siamese twins. But how you feel about what she says is another matter.
What we care about is you and you making healthier choices for yourself. You have come here looking for support and advice. We are concerned for you primarily. Help from AL or agencies is available for your mum.
I get that your mother saying you don't care for her isn't easy to hear. How does that tie in with her saying you are the best daughter? She uses whatever words she thinks will get you to do what she wants you to do. Don't you see that?
I think you do care for her, but you also care for yourself or you wouldn't be here. So don't engage in any more backbiting. It's not good for either of you. You don't have to justify your decisions. You can disengage/ignore/walk away from whatever she is saying. You are going home on Jan 28. End of story. It really doesn't matter what she says or does. You have made your decision. She doesn't have to like her. That's OK that's her.
I think you experience a lot of anxiety related to your mother. You were brought up to never say "No" to her. I expect you weren't allowed to express anger either. But you are an adult now. What harmed you as a child is not your fault, but your healing as an adult is your responsibility.
Learning to disengage from your mother so she is no more the center of your universe is part of your healing. So is saying "No" and refusing to be drawn into or initiate these discussions. Change the subject, talk about something neutral. Give up trying to change your mother or get her approval. The only person you can change is yourself.
(((((Hugs)))) and prayers for you.
Max - Just read your post - not surprised she can manage by herself. She has been manipulating you.
Barb - swooping - great description
My therapist had me role play if I became nervous about certain situations.
If you want to practice with any of us, we can do that.
I was super fortunate to have a great therapist who didn’t let me off the hook when I would get sidetracked.
You know, for those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families, the abnormal behavior became our normal. So, it’s not unusual to have to practice what is normal behavior as long as it takes for it to feel correct to us.
We process at our own pace, due to our own individual circumstances. Some people may move along a bit faster but they shouldn’t make those who have moved a bit slower feel badly. What does that accomplish other than making a person feel crappier than they already do.
So, I hope that you know that you have many who support you. Forget about any harsher criticism if it is overwhelming for you. Know that everyone does care about your success and each person expresses their views in their own way.
Wishing you all the best.
She has outlived two of her kids. She does live in a senior apartment building, not assisted living, still cooking and cleaning. No walker or cane. Exercises with her group of friends, then goes out for lunch too.
She still attends Mass and helps the other “old people” in her apartment building out when they need assistance!
She will speak about what she plans to do next year! LOL 😆
I have never once heard her say, “Lord willing, blah, blah, blah.”
She bakes fruit cakes just like my great aunts did to give away for the holidays. Let me tell you, I think she is adding more rum each year to her recipe!
Some people are young at heart!
Move to the centre of the triangle.
The three corners contain patterns of behaviour: Swooper (Fixer), Victim & Persecuter.
When you feel charged to react, magnetised, pulled into one of the corners - resist!
Stay neutral in the centre.
Be like Switzerland.
When Mom takes the Victim role, says poor me, you're leaving etc.. she wants you to take the Fixer role. To stay & fix her problems.
When Mom says you don't care about me, your husband is mean etc she has taken the Victim role again. This time making you/husband out to be Persecutors.
It's a merry dance of communication. Around the triangle it goes, like magnets pushing each other.
The way to stop being controlled like this, to be pushed around like a magnet, is to move to the centre.
Be neutral. Dis-engage.
It takes practice.
(I am still leaning).