My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
No idea on financial situation, but we solved that issue. We have membership at a Costco and we bought a toilet seat bidet for $230.00 or less on sale for my Mom to use. Plumbing was easy for my husband to install. Only other expense was connecting an electrical outlet (proper kind for nearby water) near the bidet.
I no longer have to help her. She sits, does her business, uses the remote control to clean the front/back, air drys (blows warm air) and she just has to flush. The seats are slightly elevated as well on the bidet.
it’s not without cost and we bought it on sale (most cost $300-500) and we’ve used the Biobidet 6800 for three years now. I use one (same model) as well in her other bathroom. It’s has proven to be effective for Mom and she has less UTIs now because she doesn’t need tissue to dry. The bidet has heated seats as well and options to encourage a BM cycle if needed. It will not spray water if no one is seated. It even helps to clean if diarrhea with an expanded spray/wash cycle. It’s not a total fix, but it might help.
It might take a small learning curve, but it’s priceless for us! Good luck.
So glad your pushed back your date on leaving. When the time comes, treat Mom like you would a child going to their first day of daycare. Get the car packed up, kiss and hug Dad goodbye then kiss and hug Mom goodbye, straighten ur back and leave. Your parents need to realize they need help and its not going to be realized until you are not doing for them anymore.
Wow. She played that card early. Haven't even got the suitcase in the hall.
Mom is showing you who she is here. Believe her.
But, I know some people like to dramatize, so not everyone who says 'oh kill me now' needs a 911 emergency call.
Maxi, you know your Mom best - so you know if this is just her drama-speak way or an actual change of behaviour/desperation/emergency.
I'm working on a new plan here - bear with me.. I feel the life-long manipulation & close bond is very strong at this time. Stronger than the ability to put any advice here is into an action plan.
It takes time to flex your NO muscle, learn to set strong boundaries & take small steps then bigger confident steps into new patterns of behaviour.
And you have about a week.. right?
So.. Plan A: Get firm. Start saying no. Build boundaries. LEAVE with DH when he arrives.
I think you need a Plan B. I will put my thinking cap on. 🧠
People who make that drama threat aren't going to follow through on it. They're way too narcissistic and self-important to ever consider doing themselves in. Two friends, people that I loved dearly took their own lives. One because he found out he had untreatable, terminal cancer and did not want to burden and bankrupt his wife and kids. He didn't even tell them he was sick. The other, no one knows why. These two people did not threaten or make their intentions known. They just tragically went and did it. When people are serious about suicide, they don't make drama talking about it. Or threaten with it as leverage to get others to obey them or give them what they want.
The mother making the suicide threats doesn't want to lose her A$$-Wiper-In Chief and care slave, her daughter. So she's pulling out all the stops doing whatever it takes to guilt this poor woman into the dust so remain there wiping and serving in total obedience until her mother dies.
The OP needs to get the h*ll out of there quick. Set up homecare and mom can take it or leave it. Then it's BON VOYAGE!
My mother has pulled this same crap my entire life. She used to pull it on my father when they were married then would try to every time he came by to visit us kids. He'd just get in his car and leave. Then she'd turn it on us.
She's 85 years old now. No one reaches such an old age because they're serious about committing suicide.
The OP should handle it by calling 911 then proceed with her original date to leave and go back to her home.
Nothing should stop her.
What I would tell her mother is the same thing I've told mine.
I'm leaving whether you're here or not. Nothing is stopping that.
The OP should call her mother's bluff.
How sad that your brother was always given top priority by your parents at the cost of their financial future and the high costs to you too emotionally and financially.
What would have happened to them if you couldnt afford to support them financially? Do you resent having to support them? Do they demand that you support them?
Your mum has now heard from her doctor again that she needs to lose weight to help herself. She might be a different person for a short while but, I believe the old narcissist will surface again and start playing on guilt, fear and obligation. You are developing some tools to deal with her. Excellent!!! Keep practicing and using those tools and look out for yourself. She is not number one in your life, you are. Your need to leave and go to your own home and be with your husband is healthy. Her need to keep you there with her and wait on her is unhealthy. Take the healthy route. Don't enable her neediness any more.
If your mother pulls a health emergency just before or when you are leaving, let dad call emergency response services, and have her taken to ER. Stay in control of YOUR life, don't let her take over. Leave with your hub as planned. This is not you being a bad daughter, this is her being a bad mother. It is all attention getting and some will go so far to hurt themselves to get that attention. Been there. She needs to learn that you are not going to cave to her.
I agree with Joann. It is like a toddler pulling a tantrum and needs to be dealt with the same way. You don't give in to them.
Beatty - As long as Plan B means leaving at the same time as Plan A. There can be no alternative to that. Mom is fighting a battle to control Max and in the past Mom has been very successful. She must not succeed this time no matter what tricks she pulls, Max is leaving on the 28th with her hub no matter what happens. Firmness and saying "No" and boundaries need to happen regardless in all plans. My thoughts on the "I'll kill myself" card is that taking it seriously, even if you don't think it is serious, makes mother experience the consequences of her actions. In the normal world if you threaten suicide you get carted off for a psychiatric evaluation. Frankly she needs one.
sp - that's a good idea. Max can start weaning them off reliance on her. They need to find other resources for help if they can't manage on their own. That's life.
Again, Max, very well done and keep it up. (((((((hugs))))))) I had a narcissistic mother, and sister too. Boundaries are essential for your survival. You are a giver, they are takers. Takers have no boundaries, so givers have to have them.
Thanks for sharing about your brother and parents I'll respond to your most recent post later. 💕
"if you threaten suicide you get carted off for a psychiatric evaluation".
AGREE.
I'd repeat that to Mom. In a very stern tone.
My thoughts on a Plan B are still evolving.. but DO include a definate YES to leaving on the planned date.
Make that Not Negotiable.
There's a tricky patch of terrain coming - could be a train crash.
Lead. Drive the train.
Or, Plan B
Be ok with your level of skill. If you don't know how to drive, haven't the time to learn, or cannot see the way forward for the F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt). Accept this.
Get off the train.
Alert other people who CAN drive the train. Who CAN see clearly without the family FOG.
This may suit a quieter personality better?
Tape emergencies phones numbers, 911, doctor + taxi, grocery store, pharmacy to the fridge. Point them out before you go. Reassure the folks you will help them & care for them.
This can be in the role of *emotional support* instead. That can be done from a phone call, from your own home.
🚂❤️🏠
"I have dedicated my life to my parents- I’m so drained mentally, emotionally and physically."
and you also gave too much to your abusive brother.
None of them appreciate what this has and is costing you. None!
Time for you now, Max. You and your hub and your home and your life.
You have been giving to the point that your cup is empty, and your health is suffering seriously. This can't continue.
I don't know how much help you can or want to be to your parents. That's for you and your hub to decide - wisely and in kindness to yourselves and others. I'm not suggesting you "dump" them, but back off to a level of interaction that you are comfortable with. I only saw my mother a few times a year, and then only for an hour or so at a time, and usually someone supportive of me was with me when I visited. I was the POA and looked after her finances, with her own money, was the contact person for the doctors and the facilities she was in and made sure she had the best care available. Would she have liked more contact with me? Sure, but it wasn't good for me. Her needs were looked after but not her wants when they collided with my needs. Frankly, that you support them financially is huge.
Just don't give to them to the point of hurting yourself any more. Don't give to anyone to the point of hurting yourself any more. Be emotionally supportive of you before you are of anyone else. You matter!!!!!
Time for your healing, Max, for supreme self care.
I am so glad you realize you have been in denial. It's a whole new ball game for you now. Face the realities - some of which aren't very nice, but facing them is the best thing to do, accept how things were and are, how people were and are - how they really are! Once I accepted how my mother and sister were and stopped trying to see what I wanted to see in them, it was a relief and I could move forward. But it took a lot of me being battered before I did. You are not alone.
Time to build you up. I am glad you will seek professional help. I have gone off and on all my life - I needed to and it helped.
More ((((((hugs))))) Max. I am so glad you have a supportive husband and now you have some supportive cyber friends here on AC. Onwards and upwards from here. 2023 marks the beginning of a new life for you.
No one wanted to call the police. The money that we gave my parents is the money they needed to support my brother with. Mom never admitted he had psychiatric issues. My Dad lost a lot of money, so he had to foreclose on my brother’s last house, finally it came to an end. My brother was living in his van, got arrested, my husband bailed him out and somehow ended up in a psychiatric ward in a hospital. We called the hospital and they said he requested that no one is to be told where he is. We looked him up in public records and we think he’s still alive. There’s more to the story, you can imagine - the physical, mental and emotional abuse to my entire family. Another thing - no we don’t mind helping my parents financially or emotionally, but
what we mind is everything we do has to be with them. We had no life together as just us. My parents built a log home in the mountains and for 4 years straight every weekend my husband and I had to go there. These are the type of people that are so giving of themselves and are such perfectionists with everything that the beauty of this is turning ugly!
P.S. My mom ran a perfect household - everything in order, best of food, best of clothes, finatical with everything. It worked our for them and I must say I had a wonderful upbringing, but I think it affected my brother and I think I feel I owe them.
Why on earth would you allow a vicious tyrant like your brother get away with all that he did.
No one wanted to call the police? Why ever not?
Your parents chose to enable their son's deplorable and dangerous behavior. Their denial of his mental illnesses or other deficiencies is on them, not you.
You had to suffer the consequences of their choices and that was wrong. If anything they owe YOU. Not the other way around.
I hope you let them know this. It's not for you and your husband to financially support them. It is not for you to have to spend the rest of your mother's life wiping her a$$ and being a slave to her care needs while she treats you with disrepect. You've suffered enough, honey. Let it be enough now and you go home back to your life.
Do you mean giving in to your brother's threats and blackmail, and putting their heads in the sand so as not to acknowledge his mental health issues?
That's not the common definition of "giving of themselves", Max.
It is, rather, the classic "everything is perfect in our life" behavior of deeply narcissistic people.
Get help for yourself. Find a case manager for your parents and an eldercare attorney local to them who can get them qualified for Medicaid.
It’s insane to pacify someone who is unstable, hoping that it will go away. I have always admired parents who turn in their children to law enforcement.
My dad didn’t think like my mom but she would undermine him. Family therapy wasn’t common then. I wish it had been. Our family desperately could have benefited from therapy.
The parents are the ones who chose to be the brother's enablers. They are the ones who should have to deal with the consequences of their poor choices.
If all this is true, then, OP, your problems run waaayyyy deeper than not wanting to wipe mom's butt. You all need serious therapy to learn how to stand up for yourselves and not be someone's patsy for your entire lives. Either that or take some of this money you've been handing over to your brother and use it to hire some big-ass security guards/bouncers to "show your brother the door" EVERY TIME he comes near any of you. Quite frankly, that would be a better use of your money than what you're doing now. For heaven's sake.
I agree that nobody rolls over and takes THIS level of tyrannical abuse and highway robbery from a brother. And now, OP is accepting tyrannical abuse from her mother, updating us daily with the "Guess what?" posts which is just mom using more passive/aggressive punishment tactics to keep her living there. Yet the OP keeps asking advice for the same behaviors mom repeats continuously.
I think I'll have to go back to my original first comment which pretty much said there's no hope for enmeshment to THIS degree; gut instincts are usually spot on. Just keep living with your parents until they pass. At their advanced ages of 90s, it's too late to change this dynamic now. And the more we hear and read, the more that point is underlined, imo. We now read about how the OP 'had' to do this, that & the other thing when ordered to by her parents, which is pure nonsense! Every human being has the power of choice, at least after they turn 18. No is a word we're ALL allowed and expected to use with loved ones, let's face it.
Wishing you the best of luck, Maximus. I think you can't teach an old dog new tricks after a certain point in life, which holds true for you AND for your parents. Just do whatever you can for them while they're still alive to minimize your 'guilt' after they do pass away.
Sorry to say I don’t think OP is leaving in February.
Hopefully Max starts putting herself and her husband first because both of them are more important than her parents.
Her husband sounds like a stand-up guy and very generous too. People reach their limit on how much they're willing to put up with and I hope he doesn't reach his and then it's too late.
Growing up in a dysfunctional household is really hard but at some point in time you have to learn to live independently.
I am very sorry that you have been through so much. I admire the compassion that you developed for your mom and dad but you are equally as important as they are.
It isn’t my place to judge you. No one initially knows how to deal with these situations.
Your entire family’s life revolved around your brother. I realize that all of you were frightened. He took advantage of that fear and held all of you as his hostages.
You and your husband broke free from his demands by moving far away. I am sure that you viewed the situation with your brother differently once you had a chance to be outside of your family bubble.
My brother hurt my mom and dad terribly and I felt horribly about that, just like you did with your parents. He hurt all of us (sister and brothers) too.
My mom tried desperately to pull me into the middle of the family drama and it made me feel completely confused and invisible.
I had to tell my mom, “Mom, he is your son, not mine. Do not ask me to help him any further because I will not do anything else. I’m done. Respect me as much as you do him because I refuse to live in his shadow.”
After I told my mom exactly how I felt she stopped trying to manipulate me and things improved in our relationship. Mom knew that I was no longer going to be talked into doing something that I didn’t want to do.
Please tell your mom and dad how you truly feel. You don’t have to scream or yell.
People generally shut down if there is a shouting match. Calmly tell them that you are going to live your life with your husband that you dearly love and you will help them find the resources to live their lives.
In closing, the final and most important thing for you to understand is that people have to implement changes in their lives.
You are responsible for changing your life, regardless of what your mom and dad do. You can take the lead as the adult daughter and they will adapt accordingly.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
In any case things are as they are and the past can't be undone. As need says - change is in order. I believe it is possible.
You say you think you feel you owe them. That could be the case. In reality you owe yourself more - a peaceful healthy life. Give them what help you reasonably can but not at the cost of your health.
And I agree with everyone OP may have had a life of having nice things but she paid a terrible price with her controlling mother. Just because you arent physically abused doesn't mean you aren't being abused. I dont even know if OP at 60 realizes the extent of abuse she lived with. She has never had a breather from mom and a chance to gain some perspective.
None of the huge amount of advice you've been given over the years has been taken Maximus, and here you are, back asking for more advice you most likely will not take.
Here is a post from 2019:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-retract-what-i-said-to-my-89-year-old-mother-451582.htm
And Countrymouse's response:
Right. This is Maximus's reply on another thread from 2015:
"By accident I heard my Mom and Dad on a tape message that they didn't realize was still on that they were going to sell their home and move in with us and weren't going to tell us they sold their home. I confronted them about this and my Mom became very hurt and said I thought you said we should sell our home. A few years ago I did say that but now they have a dog and we have a dog that is scared of their dog. They do have a bedroom in our condo, but we are only permitted to have 2 dogs. My Mom doesn't think there will be an issue even though we can be sued. We always travel to Europe together, have always done things with them and love eachother so much, so they thought that living together would be so much fun. We have done that in the past years ago and also recently they spend 4 months out of the year with us. It was a shock to hear that they would move in permanately. We love being with them and they are in their late 80's and my Dad has cancer. Besides wanting to be with us they cannot enjoy life because they are financially bad-off. They supported my brother all his life and have no money. We are paying their mortgage. They said they would pay us back when they sell their home and want to enjoy life with us. I told them I was shocked and said how could you live permanately in that bedroom because they stay in it all day when they visit and don't use the living room and then I said I feel sorry for my dog and he has fears of their dog. Well, my Mom couldn't believe what I said and said to me I thought you always wanted to be with us and would wanted us to sell and live with both of you. I said yes, a few years ago that was true, but now they have a dog too. Now my Mom and Dad are hurt and said we will all go on but she will never feel the same about me. My Dad will be coming here for a serious operation and he said he will be leaving as soon as he can. I feel awful, but we always have spent time with them because we have no kids. No because they think they don't have much time, they need to spend every minute with us. I would like that too, but why can't they just visit for a length of time. They still are strong at heart and have all of their faculties. I feel so guilty and I will be taking their dog when they pass, but hopefully they will live a long life with her. Right now she is a puppy and my nine year dog can't handle her and is scared all the time. I feel for him and I feel for them too. What should I do?"
Maximus, I hope you're able to use the site and see the replies to your question?
So, what you didn't mention is that this situation has been going on for YEARS. I hope that at least the dogs are getting on with each other by now? :) And that your father's remission continues, or that he's been given the all-clear.
If we were to go back to square one: what kind of living arrangement do you think would work really well for you and your husband, and for your parents?
SMH
I get family looks after family. Wishes to protect family. Regarding "No one wanted to call the police" - fear, mixed in with that family obligation, guilt of turning him in. Yet brother did eventually run into trouble with the law, did get psychological input & hopefully help. (Shame it wasn't much sooner).
Reflecting back now, do you think your parent's had trouble saying no to him? Taught you by example not to say no to him? That it's not ok to say no to family?
My family let a LO go along a path without any 'no' for such a long time too. No-one knew quite what to do. Eventually someone did pause, stop, say enough, this is not ok, we need help here. Only then did things change.
That is in the past now.
But looking to the future.. there is opportunity to tread differently. To really look at that family 'rule' of not saying no to family. Assess if it actually is sensible, fair, useful.
Kind of like having a hoarder neighbours. Their hoard on their property is their problem. But if it encroaches onto your property, or presents fire danger to your property - it also becomes your problem so you get a say & to act to protect yourself.
Maxi, your brother's issues were like a hoard encroaching over your property. Now your parents are set to do the same to you.
You and your husband need to see a therapist to find out why you enable your family. All I can say that he loves u bunches. Mom and Dad lost what they had because of your brother. They did not have to help him. Dad should not have bailed him out. I would have left him there. If this was my parents, they would have to live in a HUD apt. Something they could afford on what they bring in. Why, because I have always made my own way. Yes, we got what we needed and Christmas was the best they could afford. I got 1 pair of shoes to start school with, when worn out I got another. I babysat to buy my extra shoes and purses. I worked one summer and paid for my class trip. I worked from 18 to 62. Everything I had after 18 I and my husband worked for, our parents gave us nothing.
I am not saying we would not have helped our parents in some way but not supported them in the lifestyle they had before brother broke them. They would need to show me they downsized to a place they could afford and were staying within budget. My responsibility would be to make sure there was food in the house, heat, water and electric. Does this seem cruel, its not because your parents should have cut your brother off long ago. Its called tough love and its not a new concept. Your parents were not entitled to support him after he was 18. There must have been signs there was something wrong with your brother at a young age. Your parents made this monster. You should not have to take your hard earned money, that you should be setting aside for your future, to support your parents who probably don't appreciate it because they feel you owe them.
But as said they are in their 90s and not going to change things now. But you can set boundaries for yourself. You go home on the 28th. DO NOT change these plans. Its time for Mom and Dad to make decisions. If they are going to stay in the home, then Mom is going to need help. If they cannot afford it, then there is Medicaid. Or Office of Aging, APS. There are resources out there don't u be the resource.
You have had cancer. Stress does contribute to it. So you become ur #1 concern and DH is next.
Mantra...I am here to show people the way, not be the way.
I believe change is possible even in the direst of situations. I have seen it happen more that once, even after years of being stuck in a dysfunctional pattern.
But - the big qualifier - the person has to want to change. The fear and pain of staying the same has to be greater than the fear and pain of change. The payoff of change has to be greater than the payoff of staying the same.
Max, you have had an abundance of advice over some period of years and it appears that you really don't want change. That's OK. It's your choice, your life. The advent of cancer might have been a big enough reason for some to change, but it doesn't seem to have been for you.
I am going to recommend to you that you read "When The Body Says No" by Gabor Mate'. Among other things, he writes about women and breast cancer and their relationships with their mothers - basically their inability to establish that independent life that Need wrote about and that we all are encouraging you towards. I also believe a high stress life can contribute to the development of cancer though neither of these are by any means the only factors. I see it in my daughter who has been through a lot of stress in her family and still has issues she needs to face, so this is close to my heart. I am doing what I can to support her towards dealing better with stress and developing that full independence, as I want her to have a long and healthy life.
I wish the same for you, Max - a long and healthy life which is developed by good, sound choices. We can give advice and support, but in the long and the short run, it's all up to you.
When you were growing up did your mom emphasize that you should always be a ‘good’ little girl and obey all of the time? I know that my mom certainly did.
When I was younger, all I ever wanted to do was please my mom so I could make her happy. It killed me if I saw her disappointed when I couldn’t live up to her expectations.
My mother was a supreme perfectionist! Perfectionists are difficult to get along with. I felt tremendous pressure and it emotionally stunted the way that I processed anything that my mother saw as a failure. It created a lot of anxiety for me as a child.
Failure is a part of life and everyone fails as they are learning. It’s important to learn how to move forward and this is difficult if we receive constant criticism.
We need encouragement from our moms to know that eventually we are going to succeed in life. I had to learn this on my own and from others.
I was afraid to bring home a B on my report card because my mother made all A’s. She wanted to see all A’s on every test that I took.
When my brother started acting up, there was even more pressure on me to never fail. I didn’t mind working hard to get the best grades but I absolutely hated the extreme pressure from my mother.
I understand that parents want us to do our best, but kids are not going to be perfect! Let’s face it, kids are curious and do weird sh*t sometimes!
I personally prefer the attitude that my mother in law had when she was raising her children. She would say, “They wouldn’t be kids if they didn’t try things.”
My mother in law disciplined her kids but her sons weren’t afraid of her. They had the freedom to think for themselves. She didn’t write a script for them. Her sons did very well for themselves.
My mother in law was an incredible pianist but none of her sons play music. She allowed them to find their own interests.
You’re no longer the young daughter that your mother raised you to be. You are a grown woman who is capable of making your own decisions in life.
I have two daughters and I took a different approach than my mom did because I value them being themselves. I learned so much from my mother in law.
If you knew another woman who was in the same situation as you, what advice would you give to her?
You have loads of information stored inside of you from your experiences. I bet that you would say, ‘Don’t make the same mistakes that I have.’ Am I right? You can learn from those mistakes. You can succeed.
Step outside of yourself and see the independent woman that you are quite capable of being.
You're spot on lower in the thread about 'Keep The Peace' theory in families and how it never works. Really it's just a way to justify abuse and excuse it.
My mother was all about the just "keeping the peace" and avoiding confrontation with anyone other than her abuse targets (first our father, then my sister and I). She always let people take advantage of our home and to treat her kids with disrespect and abuse. I learned from that nonsense behavior. I do not tolerate abuse because it will 'keep the peace'. No way. I'd rather have a scortched-earth policy than do that.
I'm not the nicest person in the world. Or the gentlest, or the most empathic. But no one ever has to guess what mean or want and I am rarely misunderstood.
What are your retirement plans?
What are your mother's retirement plans for you? Are they moving in with you, or are you expected to buy a house near them and for you all to live together?
If nothing's changed since you started posting here in 2015, what do you think will be different this year?
I don't know if this has been asked and answered elsewhere, but have you ever gone to therapy? You have a LOT to unpack from your past. And while that is happening, a therapist needs to help you learn to disengage from your parents.
Yes, your brother was a monster. But your parents raised and enabled that monster. Like others, I am surprised that NO ONE in your extended family ever called the police on him.
If you were expected to always be the ‘good’ child, be ‘naughty’ now and tell your mom, ‘No!’ now. You deserve a life with normalcy. You also deserve an environment that will allow you to heal physically and emotionally.
I spent too many years of my life saying, ‘Yes, Mom.’ in order to please her. If I knew then what I know now, trust me, I would have been disobedient in spite of her not being satisfied.
We didn’t have the language as children to express our feelings. We are adults now and you know what needs to be said.
Forget about her being understanding. No matter how she takes the news, you can still walk away in good conscience.
I realize that you have been programmed. I was too, but it’s never too late to change your mindset.
I know what it’s like to feel compelled to do everything just right because we had whacko brothers. My brother had different issues than yours but the principle is the same.
Your mother will adapt when you tell her, ‘No, I can’t do this anymore. It’s over. You must find the help that you need elsewhere.”
That’s ok, but when she started to answer for me at 17 years old when my Aunt offered me a glass of water - my mom answered for me and said no she doesn’t want anything. Wow! Or when I’m with her company till this day, if I say something and might have interrupted her a little, she’ll say really nastily, excuse me, I was talking (or something like that).
If you do speak up, what is her response? There is no justification for this behavior.
Oh, yes. We learned to be organized, which is a good thing but it shouldn’t be used to punish others.
Setting a table the week before a party (unless you are British royalty) is the definition of OCD.
Your parents giving into brother's threats and blackmail is a sign of mental illness on the part of all the participants. I take it that maybe your family is in some way "connected"?
It's still a psychiatric issue.
Leave, and get help.
1 min ago
Edit
Quick response CTTN we want to retire in Europe and stay forever and still keep our condo. We were supposed to take my parents and put them in an apartment in their favorite town in Spain, but with visas, etc. it’s going to difficult.
Have you ever journaled? It only takes a few minutes of your time and it really helps to track your emotions, setbacks and progress.
My therapist suggested that I journal for a time and I found it to be helpful.
We can easily fall into patterns and not even be aware of them. A journal will show you patterns that you need to address.
I am not judging but I see long standing patterns in your life.
I am curious. Do you see any similarities between your behavior and automatic algorithms that pop up daily on our computers?
Make a plan and don’t stray away from it no matter what happens. You must take action to break these unhealthy cycles.
You and your parents are not autonomous individuals, so be prepared to wipe butt and be at their beck and call until you bury them. Hopefully, you will survive their deaths and not become a statistic.
It is okay to vent and wish for better things here. Good luck.