My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
No, you won’t bring a bedpan into a kitchen!
I think you should seriously consider leaving with him.
I'd love you to list out why you can't go with him.
You have an opportunity to blow some whistles & gain help for your folks if on dry land. But if you are in the ship sinking with them you will go down with them. No-body will hear you.
The following was told to me by a very wise staff member of a rehab;
"It's no-one's fault, but the elderly or disabled person just sort of takes over"..
Specifically when a family member moves in to help. This may be a permanent situation, or a temporary one that blows out *like this*.
But the result is the same, the caregiver's own life as they knew it ends - they ALL start living the ONE life: the elder/disabled person's life.
It can start with enmeshment.
Theirs was 70 right? A huge special deal. Not many get to that!! Yours may not be a special number this year (?) so I get the situation differs.
But LOOK at it.
You attend your parent's anniversary but not to your own. Who are you married to?
Please look into that support group Barb suggested. Or another. Many do online sessions. I fear your parents' lives will eat the remainder of your life up.
If you want to stay. Do so. But know you risk losing a lot.
in a beautiful place and on the water. It’s not depressing for them. They really are self sufficient except for the fact that my mom had this issue, which we know will be resolved. My mom is panicking because literally she never was ill. I had breast cancer, not her.
My mom was like this since I came out of her womb. She’s always saying this may be her last trip or last time seeing us - so dramatic. She’s extremely impatient which drives all of us insane, What happened now is that I thought she wanted me to stay for good just to wipe her. I became frantic. Thank goodness she started doing it herself!
Is your brother still alive? Are your parents still sending him money?
You and you DH paying their mortgage is pretty insane unless you are fabulously wealthy.
This is the problem, my mom took advantage of my free time, and I let her. We also don’t have kids so I was too available for her. Really bad situation!
Or... If you have decided to stay 2-3 weeks, stay! A LOT can be accomplished in that time!
#1 Make some Life for you. Start making some non-parent activities for yourself.
Get out early every day. Get to know your local cafe staff for a cuppa after you walk the dog. Or join a local gym, a walking club, the library, enrol the puppy in puppy school.
#2 Home Services. Start the research now. Call the local Aging Services, have a needs assessment booked, see what services they qualify for. Set these up.
#3 Get busy with the paperwork. Ensure POA or springing POA is all in place. Ensure MPOA is good so you can talk to their Docs when back at home too. Ensure their Primary Doc knows you are in town *temporarily*. Maybe welfare checks need to be established for when you leave. Ensure Dad's Cardio Specialist knows he will need aftercare as his wife has been recently ill & has suspected cognitive issues.
#4 Start looking ahead. Is the condo going to let them *age in place* for long? You pay the mortgage, right? Is it in your name? Will you sell it when they need Assisted Living/Nursing Home? Or keep for your own retirement/holiday stay, or maybe for holiday let income? Tour some Assisted Living places. Look at the costs etc. Start looking into financial advice.
These 2-3 weeks can be spent planning, preparing & future proofing. This could be the silver lining here.
Take it on!
Why do you assume that because your parents will need care that YOU have to be the one to provide it?
Your parents need to be in a place (best is a Continuing Care Retirement Community) CCRC where they can start out at the level of care they need now and stay there with additional services as they age.
Right now, it sounds like your mother might qualify for Assisted Living. Have you investigated any facilities yet?
What they "want" does not mean that they "get" from you.
Your needs, your marriage matter.
The next time she is hospitalized, she goes to rehab. Because you WON'T be rushing there to be her nurse maid at home.
Find a place that can transition her to self-pay/ Medicaid long term care.
Start planning now. As Beatty says, you have a couple of weeks. Start visiting these places and find the ones that are acceptable.
Max,
My mom worked really hard when she was in rehab. Your mom might surprise you. They always do more for others than they do for us!
Plus, those good looking physical therapists are easy on the eyes! LOL 😆. My mom was nearly deaf, eyesight not as sharp as it once was, but she certainly could see every good looking man that walked through the door!
They make friends with each other. They can watch television together in the lounge area in the evenings. They share stories. It was sweet to see the camaraderie that forms between the participants at rehab.
It couldn’t be easier, the hospital transports them straight to the rehab facility. Medicare pays for it.
Home health was really good for mom as well. Mom had one physical therapist that even played her favorite music, Frank Sinatra, for her to exercise with.
You are mistaken where the 200-pound mother being considered a "2-person assist" for homecare. That's not how homecare agencies do their case assessments.
I've been in this line of work for 25 years and own a homecare agency now.
Client pricing is not based on size. Please don't state what is clearly an opinion of yours to the OP as if it is an actual fact. It isn't. No homecare agency in the world ever sends two aides at one time to care for a client because of insurance liability. A nursing home may do a 2-person assist if someone wished on a falling star and it's a blue moon, but not usually. A client can hire two private-pay aides at a time though. They can hire a dozen to come at the same time if they're rich and paying privately.
When I was agency-employed help I had a 390-pound client with mobility issues. I was the only aide on the case five days a week. Part of the case was hygiene care. Even after I got injured on that case, there was still only one aide on duty at a time.
The price for her was the same as the price for any other client. It's not based on size or weight.
This is not good for your health. I'm going to give you some hard words here as you have some hard choices to make. I can see you are worried about your cancer coming back, Good! Then do what you have to do for your own survival and reduce the stress in your life. There is evidence that cancer thrives on stress. Use more of your resources (time, energy. money, caring) for yourself and your hubs. Latterly, when my mother spoke like that to me I was out of there and in a hotel. Eventually I didn't stay with her any more. Your body is saying NO! (Book by Dr. Gabor Mate "When Your Body Says No"). Your health can't afford this!
Your mother is not in her right mind, your parents are not independent, and they do need assistance from professionals now, not some vague time in the future. So your mother wiped her own bum. Good, but that doesn't solve the larger problem that they are becoming more and more dependent. What you can do, as their next of kin, and as other posters are saying, is investigate facilities that will provide care for them. Facilities have equipment and staff who are trained to work with 200 lb. ladies with atrophied legs. Get the paperwork in order - POA etc. Look into Medicaid. Get some therapy for you to learn to deal with your life better. You don't have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of their wants.
Will they like it? No, of course not. Your job is not to please them, or make them happy, but to help get their needs met. Remember wants are not needs. Sure they love living on the water. Unless you can afford to hire enough 24/7 caregivers to keep them where they are, this phase of their life is probably ending. As we age our needs increase and our wants have to take a back seat more and more. That is life. I am 85 and, believe me, my needs are increasing and I have to make decisions based on them, not on my wants. At some point, I will likely need to move into a facility. Do I want to? No, not at all. What do I want? I would love to live in a villa in Tuscany. It's not going to happen. And there is no way on God's green earth I would expect my daughter to put her needs behind mine and look after me so my wants could be met.
Up to 40% of caregivers die before the people they care for. They put off their own medical care, they don't get enough help, they live in a state of stress - in short they don't care for themselves. You are the poster child for this. Again, you have some very important choices to make.
Two quotes by Paulo Coelho:
"When you say “yes” to others, make sure you are not saying “no” to yourself"
and
“What's the world's greatest lie?... It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate.”
((((((hugs))))) to you and prayers
P.S. I’m not telling them I won’t be returning for Dad’s 95th birthday! My mom said she’ll make up my wedding anniversary that I’m missing with my husband and I guess this will be it! Thanks guys❤️
With the right people in place and eventually probably placement in a facility your parents can be well looked after by people who are not emotionally attached to them and who can monitor their condition in a professional manner. My mother did as well as possible in those circumstances and it spared me a lot of stress.
My daughter says thank you for the hug and sends hugs back and prayers.
Wishing all the best to you and your hubs and Happy Anniversary. 💐🎉🎈
You don’t sound harsh at all. You are describing a realistic situation. Things change in our parents lives and often times we struggle in the process of adapting to new circumstances.
Keep focusing on what is truly important and you’ll find ways to accommodate what they need and still keep your sanity.
Indeed, it can be perplexing and stressful for us to go through. Hang in there. Talk it out with others. Make decisions based on facts rather than emotions that will negatively impact the outcome.
This evening, I announced I’m heading home on Wednesday afternoon (after my monthly visit got extended another week due to a fall, caused by too many drinks) and I got the boo-hoo thing from her.
About a minute later she asked, “what happened to me up here??” We were in her room. I was reading her emails to her and typing out responses to people.
I had been speculating where she might have scraped her scalp (which lead to a large cut on her forehead that needed about 8-10 stitches).
”How would I know,” she said, “I was unconscious.”
me “You were not unconscious”
omit part about being drunk. That point had its moment a few times at the doctor on Friday (reason for fall: 120 blood alcohol level)
she says, “yes I was UNCONSCIOUS. I don’t remember any of it.”
me “that doesn’t mean you were unconscious.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she was chomping at the bit to argue and I stood back. I could see she was trying to hold back. So I tentatively said, “you were talking to me…that means you were not unconscious”
I think — how much scarier it would have been for me if she was unconscious.
she said, “I was? What did I say?”
“let me die, I just want to die…” I told her. she ponders this.
I continued, “I was asking you if anything hurt. You yelled back that everything hurts…I was trying to put underwear on you…and you screamed at me…”
she interrupts me here. It’s just too much for her so she’s got to deflect.
she says, “you were probably yelling at me!”
pause, oh here we go again !
I think, “and now I need to walk away”
Right, mom; I came upstairs after a thud and found you on the floor, bleeding with nothing on, and of all the things I do, all the patience I have for EVERYTHING except the b.s you give me, the eye rolling, the sarcasm… I yelled at you. While
on hold with 911 even, sure. Right. Actually, when I came upstairs and saw her, I thought, omg — she fell, bad; maybe dying??? Head injury? maybe things are broken? omg this is bad.
plus it’s only been 6 months since the last one (which was bad and I stayed for FIVE WEEKS after)
we can not fix their situations or them, right? Let’s go home and take care of ourselves a bit. We will be back soon to take care of them (again).
Then plant the seed that after her next fall, she may meet some nice new people & be able to swap stories etc.. coz most folk find rehab quite social. Yes rehab. As of course YOU can't come running & be nursemaid after every fall, but luckily rehab exists. She'll have all those lovely PT staff to chat to too..
The next fall you can promote yourself to *emotional support via video/phone* or something.
Yes?
Do you have your bags packed yet?
I understand that you want them to have their independence at home for as long as it’s possible. Your parents are quite elderly. My mom lived to be 95. If they don’t have good health, after a certain point, it’s all downhill for them.
I am glad that you know that it wouldn’t be a good idea for them to move into your home.
Do you have outside help lined up for your mom after you leave your mom’s house, either with an agency or private care?
Have you spoken with them about future plans when they can no longer be at home without help?
I was close to my mother. When a parent moves into our home the relationship changes. It can also place a strain on even the best of marriages. I have an incredible husband who loved my mom but there is no privacy after a parent moves into our home. Caring for a parent in our home adds a lot of additional stress.
At one point, I toured facilities, skilled nursing homes and assisted living facilities and one memory care in case my mom would ever need that. She had Parkinson’s disease with dementia.
I asked each facility when they thought it was best for a person to enter a facility. All of them responded by saying that it is best to place a parent before things have progressed to the worst stage.
You may want to tell your parents that one day they will have to consider going to a facility. Otherwise, they may think that they are able to move in with you and your husband. Just food for thought.
As difficult as it has been on you temporarily living with your parents, it would be much harder if they were to live with you in your home. Been there, done that, would not do it again.
If I had found this forum sooner, and been told things sooner by experienced posters, I could have avoided a lot of heartache. Don’t confuse ‘love’ with ‘hands on’ care. You do not have to do the difficult ‘hands on’ care yourself.
Wishing all the best for your family.
I’ve been with her since Dec 22nd. In the summer I did an unplanned 5 week stint (she had fallen). You have my sympathies.