My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
Your mommy is mad because it has been so effective at keeping you dancing to her tune. You have been going through this for decades, I'm thinking you just want to rant and continue doing what mommy tells you. Rant away!
That said, it's time to work with Dad on what to do about Mom. Caring for her increasing needs is going to burn him out, and he may well die before she does. Her inability to clean herself will lead to infections and skin breakdown.
I was in your situation -- my mother was heavy, couldn't wipe herself, and it fell to me to do that. (My dad had his limits and that was it.) The problem was, I wasn't there but once a week. You can imagine how that went.
It's time to get Mom into some kind of care situation, whether it's home care or a facility.
True, at 90 she isn't going to lose weight on her own. I'm sure she doesn't do the grocery shopping herself, so whoever is brining in all the cookies she stuffs herself with needs to stop.
She needs to understand that if she's too big to be cared for by homecare, she goes into a nursing home where there are no cookies. Not even one.
She'll either start being reasonable or she gets placed. If she's still in her right mind at all, she will get reasonable and cooperative with homecare aides coming to help.
This. ?
Why does this make you confused?
Q. If you LOVE someone - does this mean you need to OBEY their every want or wish?
I never promised in my wedding vows to OBEY my Husband. I never promised my folks or siblings to always obey their every request - from reasonable to rediculous.
I am free to say yes or no.
Others are free to say yes or no to my requests also.
It is far past the time to talk to them both about moving into an assisted living facility. From here on out expect crisis after crisis with them.
95 and getting a pace maker is just insanity.
You come from a boundary-less Italian family. I did too.
Here's the thing. If you WANT, you CAN change this dynamic. But it means YOU have to change.
AND it means that you need to be able to tolerate your parents' anger and angst.
Think about what you'd like to do.
There is a counseling group in Bay Ridge/Besonhurst stated by an Italian-American Social Worker to deal with exactly these issues. She started her agency to address the precise boundary-less-ness issues that exist in many families in the area. They do Zoom sessions. You might find some counseling like this useful. Let me know if you'd like the link.
Seems like you are caught in the fog - fear, obligation and guilt. You can walk away from that. it's hard changing patterns of a life time but it can be done. Therapy helps.
Why are you scared? Don't be afraid. You are doing what you reasonably can for them and for yourself and your hub. I think you are having some totally unreasonable expectations put on you. I gather you think that too. Time to break away from fear of your parents anger and other negative reactions. Detach emotionally, at least to some extent. That doesn't mean you don't love them, but that you don't let their emotions and choices affect you so much. Wishing you the best.
https://bcsnygroup.com/appointments/?gclid=CjwKCAiAwc-dBhA7EiwAxPRylNyIvc_CnGg74tW1iDNx6m3kZ3Z2BlNDEmWgBcXqYC5IJg3cxQe9GxoCYGYQAvD_BwE
If they can't see you, call your regular doctor for a referral.
You go home with ur DH when he comes to get you. Sick or not, you cannot continue to live this way. Your Mom will manage because she has to. If she can't they will need to hire the people they need.
" I HAD BREAST CANCER - ONLY 3 YEARS IN REMISSION -I’M IN PAIN FROM MEDS AND HAVE EXTREME MENOPAUSE SYMPTOMS FROM THEM." Have you told your parents this? That you cannot continue doing for them because you have your own health issues? And now a respiratory infection. Tell your husband to come now.
So?
So what?
Your mother being angry at you isn't physically dangerous to you.
Ignoring your cancer symptoms and missing an Onco appointment IS dangerous.
You need to let your parents arrange their own care, or help them hire a geriatric care manager with THEIR money.
My mother had a hip replacement at 99 and for several reasons I didn't drive down to help her. She hired someone for that. She would have liked me to come and live with her then and basically be her servant. No way!!!!
As Barb says - your needs are way more important than her wants. Your health issues deserve to be your priority. for the foreseeable future.
Ignore her mad! Let her be angry. Look after yourself!!!! Breath deep and relax. You did the right thing, Considering your health issues, anyone who makes any demands on you is selfish and or cognitively impaired.
Even if you had nothing to do no one gets to decide what you do with your time.
I always believed this. I never made excuses to anyone for why I wouldn't provide child or elder care for them. I'm an adult. I don't owe anyone an explanation for why or why I do not do something.
This has been known to rub some people the wrong way and to be honest, I don't care.
"Whose going to wipe me?" As if even your 95 year old dad should be taking that on either. He's not exactly a spring chicken.
I think if you stick to this forum you will be able to stand your ground with mom and not cave into her growing demands and neediness.
You live in Florida perhaps it's time for parents to sell house and move into a facility closer to you.
Florida is old people heaven with lots of resources.
Might be something to consider.
And note I did not say they should live with you.
Benjamin Button is a fantastic movie that happened to be filmed in my city! New Orleans did fairly well in the filming industry. The actors loved filming here. Unfortunately, a former governor, which I will refrain from mentioning, really screwed things up for us.
Then Atlanta started getting our business and many people here lost their jobs due to a loss in filming.
We rely on tourism and filming here was a plus! They spent lots of money while they were here, hotels, dining at our great restaurants or going to hear our local music, etc.
My nephew works in the film industry and is also a musician. Anyway, that was one of his favorite films to work on.
I think it would be so interesting to go from old to young, like in Benjamin Button.
They filmed a movie with Ashley Judd in New Orleans called Double Jeporady. Loved that movie too.
I agree we should all age backwards.
My father was Italian and Greek. None of the old people from his side of the family including himself ever complained or made their family's lives miserable. His mother lived with one of her daughters for a little while when she was quite old then went into care. Never complained, never made anyone's life a misery when they visited. The staff loved her because she never fussed about anything. She watched the daily Catholic mass every morning on tv and prayed her Rosary three times a day. My aunts on my father's side got old and had to be in care as well. They never gave anyone any trouble at all.
My mother is a miserable, negative, snide, instigating, gaslighting, guilt-tripping drama queen. She's been dying my entire life since I was a little kid.
She is not Italian. Not at all.
I would never expect my son to wipe my a$$ or his father's. He will not be bathing us either. He would, but I would never allow it. Neither would his father. We're not the kind of people who derive pleasure from making others miserable. There are some kinds of people who actually enjoy someone having to clean up their sh*t. My mother is one of these people. It's a power trip for some people. I've had care clients like this. Most of them I dropped from my service.
The OP's mother won't use the toilet but rather insists on a bed pan being brought into the kitchen for her to piss and crap in. She isn't going to use a bidet.
Make sure you tell the OT (and anyone else from the team) that you will be leaving and that your parents will require outside help if they want to remain at home.
It sounds like your mom has something pretty serious going on, with oxygen and fluid retention. Does she have congestive heart failure?
Second - I am wondering what your exit strategy is. You are staying a "few" more weeks. Do you have a date of departure? I may have missed that in an earlier post. You know your mother is going to throw fits to try to keep you there. The bum wiping is just part of it. She wants to keep you there regardless of the fact that she can be cared for by others. But that is destroying your life so you are choosing to leave and live your own life. That's great. Not being there for your dad's birthday and surgery - oh, well. There is no rule saying adult children have to be there for everything for their parents. I wasn't there for either father's or mother's funeral. The family dynamics were tilted against me so I didn't go. My sister is as sick as mother was but in a more cold and calculating way. I know about abusive siblings. I have gone no contact with her. You do what you have to to survive!
So glad you are a survivor. Keep up the good work!!!
Don't worry about when you finally go home. Just ignore the storm and go. It will be fine.
My mother is the same way. Yesterday she was able to crush me with her bullying and reduce me to tears which is no easy thing to do. That hasn't happened in a very long time.
Today she acts as if everything is right as rain. It's not and I don't pretend it is. You shouldn't either.
Make your travel arrangements and go, go, go. Go back to your life. Good luck.
I had the same reaction when I told my father I would be away on vacation. He asked who was going to take care of him? I told him he was responsible for himself. At this point he still lived on his own and I took him shopping or to a specialist. But he expected me to find a person for him when I was away. I thought that took a lot of nerve.
You tell your mother off then she yells back and you back down. That seems like your routine. Next time don't back down and yell back at her if necessary. She is still under the impression that she commands and you obey. Because you normally do. I'm glad she is finally starting to try and take care of business. Don't be surprised if she has an 'accident' right before you are ready to leave in an attempt to get you to stay.
Hi Everyone! My mom just yelled at me. I said Dad will get the frying pan out because he knows the one he likes and she yelled at me saying sit down you’re tired and I said I am tired - I just got over a respiratory infection, I’m chasing around 2 puppies and I’m sleeping on a pullout couch! I wouldn’t dare say I’m at your beck and call. So she said It’s not from what you do here (like I don’t do anything (what the f)? She said I didn’t know you’re uncomfortable on the pullout - I said we told you that our lower backs hurt by the time we leave here! To which she replied then don’t come here.. Then I stirred her breadcrumbs and she started stirring them again and I said I just did that and she said don’t tell me what to do, I’ll sit here and stir them all I want! Are you kidding me? I’m going out when my Dad gets back and taking my puppy for a f***ing walk! Let her talk behind my back -I don’t give a you know what!
Doing the same thing over & over again expecting a different result.
Go home Maximus. What you're posting now is the same $hi#, different day. Mom's going to pull out all the stops to keep you there, the question is, what are YOU going to do to stick to YOUR guns & leave now? She told you, "Then don't come here." Your response needs to be, "You're 100% correct mom, we were wrong to come & now we're leaving. Goodbye."
Your Mom gave you your walking papers when she said if you don't like the bed leave and don't come back. Your Dad will do OK with his pacemaker surgery. You may want to call his doctor and say you need to return home so they may want to set up some in home care to follow up on him.
You can always request a well check from the police or APS
P.S. those beds are uncomfortable because of the fold out bar. My daughter used to sleep on an angle and said it was not as bad.
when he comes he said he can’t stay we’re leaving probably the next day! Oh no I’m in big trouble! Ok. I do need therapy - just by saying what I just said! I’m goi g to stop ranting because I’m probably driving you people crazy!
Or perhaps just check into a hotel or AirBnB?
Your parents need to grow up.