I think my mom is trying to sabotage my upcoming vacation. I need this because I'm experiencing caregiver burnout.

Yes she is being manipulative but you need to learn how to turn that off. Of course you should go. And I might add quit buying her salty food! You can also be responsible by not doing that at least.
Your sister is going to check on mom and your son is ok with being by himself with mom for only a week then let him do that. I say the bases are covered. If she gets bad enough for the hospital, he knows the drill. She will be in there while you’re on vacation. And if that happens, the hospital knows the drill and will take care of her. Do not come running home which would accomplish nothing.
You are worrying about the "what if’s " and spoiling the fun of looking forward to your get away.
You deserve it...just keep telling yourself that. Your mom is responsible for her choices and let the chips fall where they may. You will accomplish nothing by cancelling and you will show her that she is in control. Take back your power!!

One other suggestion, which I just learned from attending a memorial service. The lovely lady who passed knew that her very close friend would be out of town at a special event, and did NOT want any of her other close friends to call that out-of-town friend. She did not want her hospitalization to spoil her friend's time at her son's graduation. This was a very selfless person. We know your mother is a selfish person, and the only purpose in contacting you would be to see how quickly you run back to her. So (big ask, I know), could you instruct your care-giving son and your sister to NOT call you if mom is admitted to hospital or rehab? Maybe an exception if the doc says, 'come now if you want to see her alive"?

Do you go? Hell yes.

Yes You should definitely go on vacation...like it or not, everyone needs a vacation, including you. My mother is the same exact way....you need a break. Go for it.

Of course, you go! You need to go for renewing yourself as badly as she needs to be hospitalized for her problems.
You know she is manipulating you. You know you are burned out.
As a 78 year old mother with your mother's problems, I (EYE) give you permission to go!!! She will be fine while you are gone. Your and your sister do not need to give your mother "a vote" on what you do to take care of yourself.
Enjoy your time off with your son. Maybe bring your mother a special treat from Las Vegas.
Bon Voyage!!

Even if she ends up in the hospital right before you leave, GO. The hospital will take care of her and your son can check on her. I like the idea of swapping phones with your son. That will keep her from contacting you. Since she won't let anyone else help or go where she'll be taken care of, maybe this will teach her that she does need a baby sitter and you aren't going to be there at her beck and call. It's called tough love. Bless you and have fun on your trip.

My mother is the queen of spoiling vacations. When she lived near my sister; she would get herself sick every time there was a trip. When she moved in with us; she tried it once. I said call 9-1-1 if you are truly sick while I am gone, pay the ambulance bill and go to the hospital. Once she found I would not change my plans or rush home; the game ended

Why not put your mom in a nursing home or assisted living? You can do what you want afterward.

A close friend of mine, mid 50s, husband late 50s. She moved her 85-year old mom into their house, and their vacations stopped. My friend and her husband had previously enjoyed weekend beach getaways. They figured they would resume those when mom passed away. Husband had a heart attack at age 59, died. My friend regrets their decision to stop the things they had enjoyed previously. This past Sunday, I went to the funeral of a 51-year old friend of my husband. Last September, my 55-year old sister-in-law died.

Last year my elderly mom tried to sabotage my vacation, which was scheduled just a few weeks after we buried my sister-in-law. She told me "there would be time for my husband and I to vacation in the future" and she thought we should not leave. We left and made memories, and we put up wonderful photos around our house. I am so glad we took the vacation!!! Please go on your vacation!!! Your mother had a chance to live her life. My parents traveled the world and never apologized to anyone. I refuse to apologize anymore for enjoying what I have left!!

Yes go on this one and before you come back plan the next.  You are in a long term caregiver scenario and need to preserve your mental health.  Tell her it's already settled and not up for discussion.  Don't be surprised how far she will take this to attempt to manipulate you but still hold your ground.  You deserve this.

Boy, she's in horrible shape for someone of 74. Not your fault. Make sure she knows how to dial 911 and go enjoy Vegas with your son. Your other son should take some time off at the same time.

Yes go on this one and before you come back plan the next.  You are in a long term caregiver scenario and need to preserve your mental health.  Tell her it's already settled and not up for discussion.  Don't be surprised how far she will take this to attempt to manipulate you but still hold your ground.  You deserve this.

Go on your vacation! You deserve it! It does not mean you love your mom any less. The important thing is not to get burned out because then your health can get effected. Go with your son and have a good time for a week. You mom will be fine and your sister and other son can look after her if anything happens.

Yes go. If she realizes her manipulations worked she will do them again and again. Show her despite her best efforts your plans WILL go on. I’m realizing more and more some elderly parents revert to small children again with their tactics and behavior. It’s mind boggling.

YES, of course you go - AND you do not worry about your mother whilst you are away. If we are honest one day she is going to have an episode and will not be "recoverable". This will happen whether you are there or not, and if it happens when you are away you will in no way be to blame. You may be home when it happens, you may be out shopping, you may be with her at Drs, you may be on holiday. It is like thinking the fridge will catch fire whilst you are out - if it happens time and day will be totally random. I don't know if she is being deliberately manipulative in the lead up to your holiday, if so she seems to be choosing to try and have bad health - there is a name for wanting medical attention in addition to attention seeking. Go away and don't think about it (in so far as you are able not to), don't phone up - your son can phone you if required. She has refused all reasonable arrangements, YOU need a break - Go away and have a great break. Hugs x

Please go on your trip!   You only live once.   Your mom lived her life.  You will be resentful if you do not go.  Plus you need a break and some fun!  I go to LV twice a year...my favorite place!!   You will have so much fun.  Please please go.  You will regret it.  Tell your mom you are going and go!

YES! Go for the week. Let your mom know that, while you love her, the demands of your life require a break. Burnout comes with more than emotional depletion, it can have long-term health consequences for you. Caregivers sometimes die before the one being cared for because they do not take care of themselves, leaving the loved one (mom) without any living choices except for a nursing home.

Arrange for someone to come into the home (paid if necessary) to help mom and to give you a much needed respite. If mom feels you're spending to much money, ask her to help by not making you find a professional but by cooperating with sister and other son.

Go to Vegas. Leave your phone at home. Son can carry his phone for emergencies. You go 'unplugged' and unplug the pressure cooker within you.

Know this: if mom 'crashes', as you stated it, 911 can transport her to the hospital for a week. She'll be in good hands. ;)

Go....

Only you can allow her to sabotage your vacation. PLEASE do not let her! Go, relax, enjoy yourself, and be grateful that you have such a good son.

Go!!!!!!!! My mom is 91 and has COPD, had 2 mild heart attacks (one twenty years ago). At the time drs said she would likely have only 3-5 years left. She's now in a retirement home where she gets great care. I often go on vacation with my sister (who's also my best friend). We have funeral arrangements made, POA for health care is transferred to my SIL he's a physician, when we're away.
The first trip away was difficult but it has gotten easier every time we do it. I can't live my life waiting for my mother to die.

GO!!! My mom did this EVERY time we tried to go way (and we kept it local in case something happened).... There was always an EMERGENCY and things had to be cut short. Loss of precious family time & loss of $$$, not going to refund, because we have to leave earlier. It is a definite game, to try & control you. I get that they need us, but we need our space as well. Go, she will be fine and if not, she can call 911.

Definitely GO!!!! You deserve to have a life. Your mom apparently has not taken responsibility for her own health and for 74 has a lot of ailments. THAT is not your fault. My mom who is 92 and lives with me again is also somewhat manipulative and even if I have to go run errands will sometimes call me and wonder why it takes so long to do such and such. I haven't had a real vacation in about 5 years but do get away for a short day trip or even overnight occasionally. Recently the one brother I had that would come and pick her up and give me a respite - died suddenly at 69. He had only been retired for about a year and a half. He had so many dreams and plans. My mom is of course taking it hard as we all are. I'm starting to feel more and more like I'm on an island with just me and my mom. I will eventually have to get some in-home care. I also had a friend that offered to come and spend the night so that I could get away and my mom said "she didn't want that!". Well I'm sorry but I will need to get away soon and she is going to accept it whether she likes it or not!! She has stolen so many years of my life and she has had her life. I'm the youngest and only 58 and am young at heart and I want to go, do, see things. So you just have to put yourself first and your foot down or they will run your life! Life is short and tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Good luck and enjoy Vegas!!!! Your son sounds like a really nice young man to do that for you!

Wow! I think you received a firm response to your question here! But there's one thing that I didn't see mentioned. WHAT A FABULOUS SON YOU HAVE! To want to take you on vacation and even made all the arrangements??? Sounds like you have raised a wonderful man. One that will probably be more than happy to care for you when you are old.....but please, let him go on vacations without guilt!

Posting before reading...clearly you have touched so many here...Count me in on the GO side. At first as I read I wondered if maybe she was afraid of dying alone or without you...but what are the odds? She could clearly have another crisis...but you know the pattern...so someone will call and she'll go to the hospital and be well looked after there or at home. My worry would be you will have such a good time and be so relaxed it will be a crash of a re-entry when back in your caregiving role. I don't know how you do it...well, I do...but it is SO hard, and then you throw in the mom-daughter BS. Would hospice be of any help? Or I'm guessing because it may be, she'd reject it? You're very lucky, as you probably know, to have so many who will watch or check in...I hope you have a wonderful time. And heck, she said she didn't need a babysitter...So you could set up meals on wheels, or a restaurant delivery, and maybe an emergency alert button, and get a knox box for the house so the fire dept doesn't have to break any windows/doors...and GO!

Yes! Go and have a lovely time with your son. Hire some home health nurse to come check on your mom and don't worry about things while you are gone. (Yes, I know....easier said than done.) I've cancelled many vacations while my mom was alive and I absolutely regret it.

Of course you go. Your mother sounds as if she could be twins with my mother. You go & if she crashes, then your son calls 911 and they put her in the hospital....then he gets a break from her too for a few days. I fully understand how much you yearn for a break from her yet at the same time, feel guilty about it. That's her manipulating you. I have all the sympathy in the world for people who are not well but they strive to get better and stay better. I have little sympathy for those (like my mother) who appear to stay ill because it (a) gets them constant attention and (b) allows them to manipulate their family. I realize there are people reading this who have never had to deal with a manipulative personality & they are probably aghast at my even insinuating that some people stay ill on purpose...but they need to count their blessings because there are people who will make themselves ill and keep themselves ill on purpose. Especially if they think their immediate family members are enjoying life without their permission or direction. My mother is staying with my son right now because she "fell". I find it curious that she was fine until she found out that (a) my son had out of state company for Memorial Day & she wasn't invited over - even thought she didn't even know these people, & (b) she found out that my son was going on a vacation the next week. She is now refusing to eat, drink, shower or move about. She will develop a UTI and her sugar will crash (This is not my first rodeo with her). Then she'll be in the hospital and that's what she wants. She has called 911 twice in 2 days & they wouldn't admit her & she's furious. My mother knew that my son was supposed to go on a much deserved (& needed) vacation the day after my mother "fell". Please do not fall for your mother's manipulations. I know that's easier said than done, but please do not allow your mother to ruin the rest of your life. I'm actively searching for a nursing home for my mother. She is mean & ugly to the only people in the world who will take her in & care for her. I don't ask for a lot, but I do expect just a little respect & gratitude. I apologize for taking space to tell you about my mother, but I did it so that you would know that you are not alone in your situation. I think some people (especially women) suffer from a huge void when they find themselves old & unneeded. They have spent their lives caring for husbands & children (sometimes even grandchildren). They have spent their lives fixing problems for their family & being needed. Then one day they wake up old, single, kids (& grandkids) grown....unneeded. They appear to confuse unneeded with unloved. During their lives they neglected to make good friendships & hobbies so now they're bored, alone & desperate. Rather than trying to entertain themselves, they choose to manipulate their family so their kids/grandkids are forced to provide them entertainment & attention. I have an understanding of the situation but it doesn't mean that I have to like the situation or allow my mother to ruin whatever is left of my life & cause my grown children to be at her beck and call. I'm completely sympathetic for her situation, but it is of her own making. Unfortunately, we all reap what we sow. One day, I'll reap the seeds that I have sown. I just pray I'm better prepared for that day. Good luck to you and to your kids. Please remember that you did nothing to put your mother in her current situation. It's not your fault & as such you are not obligated to pay the cost of your mother's choices/actions. Loving someone does not mean you are obligated to allow that person to manipulate, disrespect and/or abuse you. Your mother (& mine) should be thankful that they have family who will take care of them rather than feel that their family HAS to take care of them...because we don't. Let's have a tiny bit of gratitude once in awhile. That's all we ask.

Yes, please go. I have an 94yo aunt that I care for that does the same sort of manipulation to me. Always trying to run a guilt trip. She would be happy if I gave up my entire life just to dote over her. Go, do not second guess yourself. Also, I agree with Sofia...what wonderful sons you have...the one who arranged the trip and the one willing to look after your mom while you’re gone. Enjoy yourself.

GO!

Go! If you don't, you're abandoning yourself and your son and reinforcing your mother's manipulativeness.

Respite home is the answer. And it is not a question for her. It is a "This is what must be done". I would be frank with her that her lungs filling along with her legs means both left and right heart failure. The lungs could fill at once, called Flash Pulmonary Edema, and it can be a killer. She needs the care and watching and you need the time away, and that is that. I would put it gently but firmly. Do know that anything could happen to your Mom at any time whether or not you go. It is not a matter of You Deserve this. It is a matter of you NEED it to go on and she NEEDS the watching medically. Her pump is giving out. Other than the intravenous medications you describe there is now nothing to be done but keep the lungs clear as you can. Good luck. Remember. Gently, but not questioning. Simply stating that this is how it will be, and if not this, she must consider entering care, for without a brief respite yourself, you cannot continue. Honesty is the best answer.