I take care of my mother in my home. Can I ask visitors to call before visiting and ask if it's a good time?

You should set the boundaries for visitations @ your home. Let everyone know ahead of time of this request. When they call, make sure they are healthy, this is for your's & your mom's health as well. If they come unannounced, tell them to come in & help you give mom a bath, change linens, wash dishes, fix lunch, etc. before allowing them to visit. If they are trustworthy have them watch mom while you run an errand because you were getting ready to leave before they arrived. After the visit, remind them to call ahead next time so they won't catch you in the middle of plans that you had made. Maybe they''ll think twice before coming unannounced next time.

I understand, I am in the same position. I don’t mind people coming but I would like for them to call first and give us a little notice. We are not always dressed it is just easier for us when we stay in pjs. We don’t go anywhere or have company as a rule.

No. It is not unreasonable to call ahead and make sure it is a good time to visit. Anyone should do that before they visit. Stick to your guns.

I’m likely to not even let my parents in if they come without calling first! I mean, come on...that is just rude.

So absolutely, they need not just call but also make sure it’s a good time for you AND mom. That’s just basic manners. The only time I’ve gone to anyone’s house without calling first is either for a surprise party or if I am just going to drop something off at the front door and let them know on my way home.

I think you are absolutely right in regard to the sister calling prior to visiting.

Especially since you are involved in taking care of your mother, any potential visitors should call ahead of time. You need to determine whether or not it is a good time for a visitor.

For me it always depended on who was dropping in. My sons, fine. My grandsons, great. My brother, also okay. I have no real issues with any of them. But neighbors, unless they just saw my mom on the porch and stopped in to say hello, I needed to know. And her friends and out of state relatives, of which there were few, also I needed to know. I might have been in the process of getting my mom into the bath or had finally convinced her of something important for her to understand after a long long long talk. Or, most likely, I might have been in my pajamas at noon still trying to get the day going. Now at assisted living they are set up to receive visitors at any time in the home and if my mom is up and able to come out to visit, great. It's your house. What is comfortable for you is what people should respect. Try to not let what your sister says about it bother you. Lock the door and don't answer if she hasn't called.

I take care of my mother. I set scheduled visits for my brother and uncle (mother's brother). They usually come together every week.

It was awkward at first (without the schedule) bcuz my brother would attempt to do the last minute deal. I could not always allow them to come as a result of it being last minute, and Mom may not have even been ready by the time they would get there, etc. etc.. I am self-employed and work mostly out of the home. If you can imagine juggling that? No time to play the guilt trips and all of that, while trying to effectively balance everything........ensure that Mom has what she needs, without killing myself in the process.

I considered it inappropriate to attempt to stretch to meet other people's expectations, especially when I am the only sibling (of three) that took on the responsibility of caring for our Mom. During a time like this, in order to remain emotionally healthy in the challenge, I have to set rules that work for all involved.......without leaving myself out to dry.

Now we have a set time every week, and I only get a text or phone call if they are NOT coming. This allows myself and whoever I have helping that day to maintain a schedule that is not negatively impacted by them showing up or not ( yes, these dudes were unpredictable, sometimes not showing up when they said they were coming, etc.). Nope! NOT HAVING IT. And don't feel one bit guilty!!!

Truth be told, Mom lives with me and my husband, our home. The mortgage is in our names........not my Mom's. So I take the right to say who will come by and when they will do it. I welcome everyone, however, our home is our little kingdom, and I am the Queen in it. Relative or no, any flack about how we interface in the home.......politely invited to not come.

With the agreed upon schedule, we have worked out a plan that is win-win. It is not healthy to allow anyone to impose on your space like that. It is already a tough thing to have to balance the care of your loved one along with the rest of your life. You will have to understand what you need to do the best that you can, and set the rules based on that. My other siblings did not take on the task that I have taken on in the care of our Mom. I pay for outside help. Since I am doing the work........I set the rules...........

Signed "Don't come if you don't like it" (Smile)

I think the problem here is that your sister probably feels you are restricting her access to your mom. I think a lot of us here would take issue with a sibling dictating when we can see our parents. The other part of the problem Is that your mom lives in your house. Bottom line—your house=your rules. I disagree that you should be prepared for visitors. That’s BS. It’s your house regardless of who you have living there. Since you’re mother lives with you, your sister doesn’t have the right to just come over whenever she wants. You don’t have to have an open door policy. Now reading your post and your replies, I have to say that you may be forgetting about your moms needs. Everything is about you and your plans. You seem to find excuses why it’s not a good time for your sister to visit. Is there any reason why your sister can’t come pick up your mom while you are doing things with your children? Can you not set aside time for your MOM to see her other daughter? Because that’s the third problem here. Intentional or not, you are restricted hour moms ability to see her family. Why does your mom have to miss our because you & your children/grandchildren come first? What about your mom?

My brothers never called before coming over. Sometimes they would call mom’s cell and act like I didn’t exists. They acted like it was mom’s house and I lived with her.

Mom acted like I lived with her. It was absurd. We paid for OUR home! My mom never gave us a penny to buy our home. It has long been paid for.

Oh, when did they visit? Once in a blue moon for a few minutes on the way to somewhere else or a few minutes on the way back from somewhere. It was never an intentional visit to see her. Oh, but they were her precious sons that she was thrilled to see.

For decades I always invited them for holiday dinners, BBQ’s, Sunday dinners, birthday celebrations, etc. They sat down at my table and spoke about how wonderful of a cook my mom was growing up!

Mom was a great cook but it was rude of them to ignore my efforts to make delicious meals. Never recognized my hard work cooking all of mom’s recipes and my own delicious recipes. Not to brag, but I can cook!

So, I fixed that! I was not going to deal with it anymore and stopped inviting them to holiday dinners. Mom tried to make me feel guilty about it. I told her that I felt great about it! I told her they could visit her without me cooking for them and treating them like kings.

What did younger brother do? Stop by at lunch time when he was broke to eat lunch with us. So ridiculous! I would feel sorry for him at times and give him food to go for his dinner and lunch for the next day at work.

He would come by again and said that the people at work would comment on how delicious his lunch looked and when they asked if HE cooked it he would tell them YES, HE COOKED IT and laughed about it. It would never occur to him to give credit to me, his sister. He thought that was cute. I ignored it and was always used to being the invisible one.

When did they ever invite us to their homes for dinner? Ah, let’s see. I can count on one hand how many. It never occurred to them that I could have used a break from cooking.

I could go on and on. Most of you know that I have crappy brothers! Just wanted to let the OP know that those of us with siblings certainly understand there are annoying occurrences that happen in our lives.

Joke is on my brother now, because he has mom after I said ENOUGH! They pushed me too far with their obnoxious behavior and criticism. Have I been invited to any dinners? Hell no! Because my brothers numbers are blocked on my phone. I know that I am not invited to anything with them and I am not interested in anything they have to say anymore.

Do I miss my family? Of course I do. But I don’t miss the aggravation! I wish with all my heart we had not had a dysfunctional relationship. I have no power to change their behavior.

God knows that I truly tried to be the voice of reason. Unfortunately, it fell on deaf ears.

Thanks to this wonderful forum, I received comfort and advice. I will be grateful forever. With all of you and a great therapist I have learned acceptance that some families won’t have healing. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is to leave others alone to live in peace.

If a person has a normal relationship with their siblings they should be welcome to see their mom at any time. It is polite for them to call ahead though.

I never prevented them from seeing mom even though they were jacka**es with me. Did mom care that they mistreated me? Oh gosh, that woman’s story would change depending on who she spoke with. She wasn’t loyal to me who took care of her. She flip flopped all over the place.

Sorry for the long rant.

Of course you can ask them to do so. Furthermore, if they ignore your request, don’t give in and accept that. Tell then if it’s a bad time, You’ll have to come back another time. Theses times may be better (your preference, ie Sat...) but please call first.

Hell NO you are not being too demanding! Your life right now is focused on caring for a loved one. Hell YES you deserve a call. As a seasoned therapist I may be wrong BUT I bet that you have always been one who worries about what other's may feel or what they think.
Now it is time for your true friends, family and church friends to show their support. This means they ask what is best & easiest for you and the person you are caring for and put themselves last not even 2nd!
Toughen up, say what you feel/know is right and IF these people are truly good people they will understand! With Gods Love and my prayers I send you hope and strength during this painful time in your life! Dr Jack Grenan

You are not being too demanding. Certain things in your home have a routine that mom counts on, ie cup of tea while breakfast is prepared, then shower or washing up depending upon the day or her mood, dressing, meds etc. If your mom is anything like my MIL was she would be mortified if someone came to visit and SHE wasn't prepared for them (dressed, hair, makeup on) Having someone who shows up unannounced that just waltzes into YOUR home is not only rude and inconsiderate but also very disruptive to your day. Unfortunately your sister has the mind set that mom lives there so there are no rules of common courtesy for others. All you're asking for is a simple call or text a day before so you know what time they plan on visiting and if it's convenient for mom and you. No, tomorrow morning is not a good time, dr appointment, would later or the day after work? They have zero clue about what actually goes on and how much work, time and effort goes into the care of our LO. They are not interested in what you do for her on a daily basis as long as they don't have to. MIL stayed with SIL for a couple of weeks before moving in with us so we could get everything set up for her, finish a bathroom remodel that we had already started before things happened. She demanded 2 days notice of visits which was fine yet expected you to come immediately when summoned to "get her (Mil) out of here for a couple of hours so I can do xyz." Ok, no problem. MIL moves in with us, zero visits or help from SIL. SIL moves out of state, comes to town for 4 days for someone else's wedding. Shows up unannounced at my front door, walks right in without knocking. Worst part was she was staying with her stepdaughter about 3 blocks away from my home. Every morning for 4 days before 8 am walking in my home, I ignored it figured it was only a few days to deal, the kicker is why aren't you dressed yet, what did "she" feed you for breakfast, explained that it was shower day with CNA, then nurse visit that morning, oh, I guess that's ok then. Disrupted the normal routine, upset MIL because she was not ready for company, BIL saw her in pjs no makeup. Was rude and condescending to hospice nurse, are you sure her lungs are clear, I personally don't think they are, I find it intriguing that they are when they weren't at my house and I was told she would always retain fluids. Um ya, I had her on low sodium diet, she gave her frozen dinners or a can of soup for lunch, toaster waffles for breakfast, can you say more sodium than a healthy person should have. Left the in livingroom to visit while I went to clean bathroom, gather dirty laundry, strip and remake bed, take trash out (except for what was visiting), they came up there and she snapped what are YOU doing in here. Told her what I do every morning, cleaning up her bathroom and doing laundry, want to help. Um no I didn't come here to clean or do anything else. Thank god she only stayed a couple hours each day. Never offered to take mom anywhere or do anything special for her. Questioned everything I did, attempts at creating discord between DH and I. Yelled at me about "what pill did you just give my mother" Told her to ask her mom, wanted SIL to face the fact of MIL mental decline, she kept repeating potassium and ... potassium and.. . Screamed at me what did you give her. Her lasix, sat on my couch, tapping her bottom lip, repeating lasix, oh her water pill, I guess that's ok. WTF did she think I was doing? Set the boundaries in your home. If she has issues with you monitoring conversations is it because she's trying to get money from mom? Who has poa for mom? May be time to lock down finances ect. Good luck, dealing with mom is hard enough, let alone your family who would take advantage of her. Its exhausting.

Absolutely not! Your house; your rules. Since you are her caregiver, I would consider the house schedule as well as your mom's routine. I think It's perfectly reasonable to have people call before they visit. As long as everyone has to call and not just a select few, it should work well.

You are l00% right to get a call from her BEFORE she shows up. You have to care for her and take care of you and your home Suggest a time that she should come and set boundaries - don't answer the door. Or, you could call and tell her xxx time would be a good time for a visit. Have her come when you suggest is a good time and let everyone know what you are doing.

I HAVE TRIED TO WRITE THIS TO YOU MORE THAN ONCE SO I WILL JUST SAY THIS TO YOU MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVE POA POWER OF ATTORNEY FOR YOUR MOTHER ! I WOULD ALSO MAKE SURE THAT YOU TALK WITH A LAWYER ABOUT WRITING UP A DOCUMENT STATING THAT THERE ARE RULES AND THAT YOU FROM NOW ON WANT EVERYONE TO CALL YOU BEFORE THEY COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE FOR YOU MOMS BEST INTEREST AND YOUR FAMILIES BEAT INTEREST BECAUSE YOU DONT WANT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THINGS THAT COME UP LATER ON BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU IT WILL GET WORSE I AM TELLING YOU IT WILL I HAD TO DEAL WITH IT FOR YEARS AND I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE FOR MY DADDY NOT ONE OF MY SISTERS OR MY BABY BROTHER EVER CAME TO SEE OUR DAD AT ALL THEY DISNT EVEN CALL TO TALK WITH HIM WHAT SO EVER OR CALL ME TO SEE IF I WAS OKAY INFACT THEY WERE NOTHING BUT PURE EVIL WHILE HE WAS A LIVE AND EVEN IN HIS DETH THEY WERE WORSE ! NOW THEY WANT WHAT EVER HE HAD WHICH IN FACT HE DISNT HAVE ANYTHING AT ALL REALLY HE LIVED IN MY HOME WITH ME IT WAS VERY HARD FOR ME TO TAKE CARE IF HIM WITH NO HELP FROM ANYONE AND THE VA DIDN’T REALLY HELP ME AT HOME !

FIRST OF ALL THE PEOPLE ARE TELL-YOU NO YOUR NOT BEING TO DEMANDING WHICH IS VERY TRUE ! IT IS VERY HARD TO TAKE CARE OF A LOVED ONE ANYWAY MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVE POA WHICH IS POWER OF ATTORNEY MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE THE ONE IN CONTROL OF ALL HER AFFAIRS MEDICAL MEDICARE CARE GIVER YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVE A FIDUCIARY AT THE SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE FOR YOUR MOTHER !! ALSO IS SHE IS STILL SOUND OF MIND YOU NEED TO HAVE HER SIGN THE PAPER WORK IN FRONT OF A NOTORY OF PUBLIC THAT MAKES IT A LEGAL BINDING DOCUMENT!! ALSO IF YOU NEED TO GET A LAWYER I CAN TELL YOU HOW TO GET A GOOD ONE AND YOU WOULD SAVE ON ALL LAWYERS FEES PLUS YOU WILL BE COVER IN ALL 50 STATES AND CANADA ALSO ! I HAVE IT AND I HAD TO USE IT MANY TIMES BUT THE ONE TIME I NEEDED IT THE MOST OF ALL IS WHEN MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY IN THE STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA I HAD TO HAVE ( 4 ) LAWYERS IN 4 STATES ALL AT THE SAME TIME SO TOU SEE IT CAME IN HANDY !! ANYWAY IT IS IN YOUR BEAT INTEREST AND YOUR MOTHERS AS WELL AS YOU LR FAMILIES TO HAVE THESE THINGS TAKEN CARE OF NOW RIGHT AWAY SO THAT YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO DEAL MUCH LATER IN WHEN IT GETS WORSE ANS BELIEVE ME IT WILL GET WORSE IT ALWAYS DOES ! I HATE TO TELL YOU THAT BUT IT WILL !! MAKE SURE THAT YOU ALSO HAVE HEALTH CARE DECRETIVE AT THE DOCTORS OFFICE AND HOSPITALS ALSO BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T HAVE IT AT THE HOSPITALS THEN ANYONE CAN COME IN AND SAY OR DO ANYTHING AND THEY WILL NOT DO WHAT YOU SAY IF YOU DON’T I WOULD MAJE AURE THAT IT STATES IT ALSO IN YOUR POA! KEEP ALL HER AFAIRS WITH YOU AND TAKE CARE OF THEM ALL THE BEST THAT YOU CAN MY DEAR KEEP RECORDS OF EVERY PENNY THAT YOU SPEND ON YOUR MOTHER AND KEEP GOOD RECORDS OF WHAT HER MONEY IS SPENT ON EACH MONTH AND YEARLY THIS WAY IF IT IS NEEDED THEN YOU HAVE EVERY SINGAL PENNY DOCUMENTED AND YOU HAVE PROTECTED HER AND YOUR SELF ! AND IF IT SHOULD GET WORSE THEN YOU HAVE A WAY TO PROVE WARE THINGS WENT AND WHAT HER MONEY WAS USED FOR IN A COURT OF LAW THAT F NEED BE I ONOW IT ISN’T FUN HAVING TO TWLL YOU ALL OF THIS BUT I PRAY THAT YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO EVER HAVE TO GO TO COURT FIR ANYTHING AT ALL BUT YOU NEVER ONOW WHAT THE OTHER PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DO OR NOT DO SISTER OR BROTHER IT DOESN'T MATTER IT IS ALL THE SAME WETHER IT IS FAMILY OR FRIENDS IT IS SAD THE WAY PEOPLE ACT WHEN ONE PERSON IS TAKING CARE OF THEIR MOTHER OR FATHER OR SISTER OR EVEN THEIR BROTHER IT IS ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS TO DO TO HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR PARENTS WHEN THEY GET OLD BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS ALSO A GIFT IN DISGUISE REALLY IT IS YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG BY ASKING ANYONE AT ALL TO CALL REALLY AS OTHER PEOPLE HAVE SAID IT IS VERY VERY HARD ON YOU AND YOUR OWN FAMILY! NO MATTER WHAT DONT BLAME YOUR SELF FOR TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR FAMILY MAY GOS BLESS YOU ALL IF YOU DON’T MIND ME SAYING HAVE A LOVELY NIGHT OR DAY WARE YOU ARE TAKE CARE MAKE SURE YOU AT LEASE TELL YOUR MOTHER EVERYDAY THAT YOU LOVE HER