Mom and I didn’t have a good relationship. I had four brothers and I was the only, eldest girl. Mom, born in China, didn’t have a relationship with her mom. I had lots of responsibility to care for my brothers.
Mom wasn’t the loving, caring mother. Maybe she never felt that when growing up.
As she got older, her selfishness, and meanness was increased. I tried to do the best for her. When she was diagnosed with Dementia and Alzheimer’s, I took over finding care at her home. When her illness became worse, I found her a memory care facility after visiting seven different ones.
It was hard because she didn’t want to be there. She became combative and violent. Finally, she settled into her new home. Of course she blamed me for being placed with a bunch of “crazy people”. She hated me and was vocal about that. When I visited, she wanted to know about her houses, stocks, and bank accounts.
When I was diagnosed with epilepsy, I tried not to think about her, but I am her POA and Trustee. I still dealt with clearing her hoarding filled homes, selling one and renting the other. It took my husband and I 6 months to clear out, repair and replace appliances in order to rent. It had been empty for 4 years!
Did the same with her last home. At least she has money to pay for her care.
I deal with all her financial matters, and that was a nightmare! So hopefully you can see why I’m so stressed with the thought of seeing her.
What can or what should I do for Christmas?
Thank you for letting me vent. This is just a small part of what I’m going through.
You do not mention any of your siblings being involved in her care. Are they in the picture?
Also, when it comes to doing things like cleaning out houses, hire people and pay them from her estate. Any trust will be drawn with language that any monies needing to be spent for care of your mother or her property is legittimate. There is no reason to do those things yourself.
If you need to see a counselor to deal with your undeserved guilt, do so without delay. It sounds like your husband is a saint but even he will have limits.
I need a break!
I know from experience!
They are all understaffed and you do not get care.
When you go to view the homes, they all tell you what you want to hear but they're just trying to make a sell, as it is a business.
If you give them any trouble, they just tell you the patient needs to be medicated more and the patient ends up like a zombie.
The best place for a loved one is to hire help and let them live in their own home.
The next best thing is to live with family.
If you spent just a few days in the home she's in, you'd hate whoever put you there.
You are ridiculous and God have mercy on your children, because you are obviously going to be a pickle to help. Considering you think you're the only one that matters.
Do you sleep better at night laying guilt trips on people that have had to make the hard decision to place a parent? Your words are intended to injure and that is evil.
she was abusive and unpleasant to you, you have done everything you could for her. Send flowers and a card and enjoy your Christmas the way you want to.
I might go there with a small gift reminiscent of when she was 18 as those are the last memories that tend to go.
Or not, if you think she'll just remember to abuse you.
"One thing nice about getting older is that I don't need to do anything I don't want to. I have learned the word 'No'.
If you do not want to visit don't. At least not on Christmas.
Go before, go after...if you wish to.
Send a gift. Send a card.
(I would also send the staff a tray of cookies or other treat that can be shared *store bought and delivered, not homemade*)
I realized something while caring for my Husband, and it became an eye opener for me.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and all the other holidays are/ were JUST days to him. To have a bunch of people over just confused him and the "holiday" had no meaning for him. It was just another day just like the one before it, the one before that and on and on. I spent many a "holiday" with just the 2 of us at home and for me the "holiday" was just another day. I did the exact same thing 365 days a year.
So visit your mom when you want to when you are less stressed.
By the way there is no "rule" that says you have to visit at all. You can manage her care without visiting her. You can see her without her seeing you if you so wish. Pop in when they are having a meal and watch from a distance so that you can see she is doing well. If they are going on an outing find out when and where they will be and you can "happen" to be in the same area.
You can be a good care manager, a good advocate without it effecting your emotional stability.
I have said on may occasions that when it is not safe to care for someone at home it is time to place them,. That safety is not just physical but mental, emotional safety as well.
unfortunately, this is true.
indeed, usually the abuse gets worse.
there might be some niceness sprinkled in between, otherwise the adult child totally disappears. but after some niceness, the abuse comes back.
dear eaglet,
--protect yourself
--make yourself unavailable
i personally, prefer to avoid "no contact"
i think reducing contact is good.
i hope your mother can be ok.
i wish her well!! and i wish you well too!!
#2 the guilt of not visiting.
Which is worse?
Find some sort of compromise?
Visit after Christmas when your stress levels many have reduced somewhat? Or even visit early to get it done?
Or you could not go at all. Make a telephone call. Send flowers & a card instead.
I think if all I got was abusive talk, I would send a bunch of flowers instead. Is she the type to value gifts? Show them off? "See how much my daughter's loves me" kind of thing?
hugs!
you wrote:
“After falling, cooking at night, hallucinating and constantly calling me to come over, calling 911, even her doctors, and day caregiver suggested she be moved to Dementia Care for her safety and health.”
i totally understand.
as i said, sometimes a facility is simply necessary. end of story.
and in your mother’s case, it was necessary. end of story.
hugs.
it’s too bad she’s very mean towards you. and of course, it’s stressful/damaging towards you.
(by the way, when i say many people prefer “10 days” at home, i do understand that normally people don’t die in 10 days).
in any case, your mother had to go to a facility. no choice.
similarly in our family, we’ll try to avoid facilities, but as my LOs themselves said, if necessary they’ll go. we’re all aware that sometimes a facility is necessary.
and sometimes, a facility is the best/happiest choice; the LOs are happier there too. even thriving there.
i hope you find a good solution for xmas.
—protect yourself
—make yourself unavailable
abuse is damaging. and with every mean comment from your mother, it takes days to recover.
bundle of joy
1 friend i know, in the same area where i live, had a sweet mother. but parkinson’s made the mother very mean and aggressive. (not violent, just very mean verbally).
my friend had 8 siblings. very unusually (since it’s common to dump all problems on 1 adult child), all 9 adult children helped the mother; helped arrange in-home care.
(the adult children didn’t live with the mother).
in their case, the mother wasn’t a danger (in the sense of cooking, stove, etc).
somehow the in-home caregivers were able to handle the situation, until years later she died at home.
every situation is different.
sometimes a facility is best.
sometimes not.
and only the people themselves affected know all the facts, what’s best.
my LOs wish to die at home; but my LOs said, it’s not necessary. if they must go to a facility they’ll go, they said. they know very well there are situations where a facility is necessary and the better option.
You do not need to go see her on Christmas. Come up with your story and tell it if you need to, if she asks which is kind of unlikely given her situation. Your story could be that you think you might have covid and have to quarantine. OR that you have a horrible stomach bug. Or something else. You're sick and can't go, case closed.
Merry Christmas!
Secondly, what most people don't understand is that we 'children' of elders with dementia are managing their entire LIVES while they live in the Memory Care, just as this OP is doing. Sometimes getting very depressed and burned out in the process. Trying to figure out how to pay the enormous bills that come with MC, how to juggle checkbooks and finances, etc., and how to make X amount of dollars last until the parent dies when they'll probably live to be 100. And then what? Then we have to jump through more fiery hoops to get them approved for Medicaid and placed into another facility with a roommate where the complaining will be ramped up even FURTHER than it was while they were living with the 'crazy morons' in Memory Care. It's no joke folks, what we do, no joke at ALL. The depression and hopelessness we 'children' feel sometimes is overwhelming. Their lack of gratitude and/or civility towards us for ALL that we DO for them is unbelievable. There's no understanding on their part of all that's involved for US, nada.
Then comes The Visits. The visits that are pure torture most times. The complaining, the carrying on, the senseless questions and repetitive statements that we have to figure out how to distract them from, all of it is hard on us. Yes, it's hard for them too, but nobody looks at what WE go through! The stomach aches that precede each visit are very real. Chewing Tums becomes the new norm. Trying to come up with fiblets and stories to ward off the inevitable questions about the dead relatives and where they are & why they're not visiting is very, very stressful. Then there are OUR health issues b/c we are retirees most of us! Our life issues that have to be put to the side while we straighten out THEIR chronic problems Every. Single. Day. Phone calls that never stop, from doctors, and the Memory Care itself, about the falls and the medication changes, and the UTIs and asking us if we want the parent taken to the hospital for low pulse rates and on and on and ON.
For the OP to say 'this is just a small part of what I'm going through' is a gross understatement. She also has houses to deal with and hoards to clean out all while her mother is ranting about bank statements and stocks. And the thought of bringing statements by for her to look at is LUDICROUS! Just another torture device for the mother to use against her b/c there would be NO comprehension of what she was looking at! Next thing you know, the daughter will be STEALING her money!
To the OP. God bless you and keep you, my friend. My heart goes out to you for all you're doing and all your pain & suffering. Call your mother for Christmas and wish her a Merry Christmas. Then do whatever it is YOU want to do for that day, w/o worrying about Depends or finances or medications or hoards or houses or delusions or ANY of the 24/7 crap you've been dealing with for far too long now. Take the day to YOURSELF and don't let the guilt set in for one second. Have a stress free day for ONCE in your life. You deserve to.
Thank YOU for letting ME vent.
I feel like I am just now coming out of the fog.
I have to have further treatments over the next few weeks.
I don't know if I can possibly add a visit to see my mother at Christmas, with the mental and physical load that I'm under.
Maybe it's the same for you. Maybe it's just too much. If we go under, we won't be visiting them anyway....so why not just have some kindness for ourselves right now?
Just thinking out loud, and to say that I understand what you're facing.
hugs!! :)
i have a question.
but of course, only you know all the facts and there must have been many reasons for the decision you made (to put your mother in a facility).
in addition, of course you don’t have to answer. it’s your privacy.
what i wonder is, why your mother couldn’t stay home, and pay for in-home care? maybe even now it would still be possible?
————i do understand that sometimes a facility is simply necessary. end of story.
——
the reason i ask, is because your mother owns several homes. she has money. maybe she would be happier at home with live-in caregivers?
1 home was sold. 1 home rented. how about she lives the rest of her life at home? many people prefer 10 great days at home, than 10 miserable years in a facility. (i’m not saying everyone in a facility is miserable).
your mother is unhappy.
but she has money.
i understand you first organized in-home care. then later, facility.
——
you absolutely don’t need to answer. it’s your private life. and you must have had many good reasons why it was necessary.
—
hugs!!
many of us have difficult situations.
:)
i wish you well!! and your mother too!!
bundle of joy :)
MCs are locked units. Within them, they are all set up to minimize elders' access to stoves and dangerous things. It is possible that she sees the daughter at home, and the daughter has just noped out. No, they won't just pass "peacefully" in 10 days' time.
I agree with others, she should stay where she is. There is nothing wrong with not visiting on Christmas Day.
'
Do not go! Start taking care of you. You have lost enough because of her 💜
Hugs to you too!
If you are POA you should already be supplying to your Mom monthly statements of her funds into and out of her accounts, assets versus costs. You have to keep these records anyway; I always gave my brother a copy to keep in his own file notebook; it was a great comfort to him. Give your Mom a binder and the statements; tell her you will send to her monthly and "Merry Christmas".
If you are in the same town make a short visit, then return home. If you need an excuse make one. 12 people showing for dinner. Turkey in oven and no one to watch it. Have to attend Beau's concert at church. Be creative. Just do it. Will she be happy????? NO she will NOT. Was she ever? And is that your fault??? And can you fix it.
Begin to be good to yourself. What you should have got from loving parents you will have to give to yourself. I wish you as good a holiday as you can get. Thoughts out to you.
Maybe a simple spreadsheet could be shown quarterly.
As far as Christmas, ask the facility if they do something for the residents and when they do it. Usually it is the week before. So you could have the spreadsheet and bring a gift or treat, spend an hour or less participating in the facility activities and head out if/when she gets wound up. Or you could say you are boycotting Christmas thus year and do whatever you want.