I often go days on only 3 hours of sleep at night due to the stress of caring for Mom. Moods are everywhere. How do I get much-needed rest?
I've been my mom's caregiver for 2 years. She has dementia which took a bad slide when my dad died. I know I need help with managing everything and am trying to find a way to get that help. I hear myself b****ing and complaining about the same thing over and over. I can't stand to hear myself and reading my comments here a couple days later was an eye opener. I sound bitter, callous, narrow minded. I don't feel those things. But it sure comes out that way. I don't want to be uncaring or impatient with anyone. Certainly not others who are going thru the same thing much less my mom. We are all struggling and coping the best we can. I am looking for suggestions on how to better deal with the negative feelings and how to shut everything off to get a good night's sleep every night.
This scenario is not sustainable. You need and deserve deep, restful sleep every night.
I see in your profile that there is a problem with your mother’s income being too high to be eligible for help. Have you looked into the possibility of creating a Miller Trust?
the stress, worry, emergencies are constant.
the only way i succeeded in making my life better, was by finding 24-hour private caregivers for my LOs. i couldn't find them before, because it takes a long time to find the right, trustworthy ones.
so long as everything is landing on you OP, the extreme stress will continue. the moment you can delegate some of the problems to other people, some stress will be lifted from your shoulders. the more stress during the day = the worse the sleep. i hope your mother has money to hire at least some people, X hours per day.
exercise does help to relieve some stress, but it's not a real solution. when you come back home to your mother (let's say you went out running), you're right back in the stress.
So are you willing to make changes or not?
She can self pay until her money is gone then apply for Medicaid.
Good Luck!
Love comes in many forms, including self love. You can love your mom and yourself at the same time by recognizing that she needs more care than you are capable of giving her. This is a simple fact, not a shortcoming on your part. I had a mother with dementia and other health issues her whole life that made me realize I could never care for her at home. I watched her take her mother into our home and ruin her life, my life, and grandma's life in the process. Why? Because it was "the Right thing to do" except it wasn't bc the price was too high! We all suffered while mom stood on her soapbox preaching about Doing The Right Thing! Obligation brings on a false sense of what's "right" and makes us feel like we MUST leave our blood on the floor as proof of love for a parent. My mother was beautifully cared for in Memory Care Assisted Living and we managed to preserve our relationship along the way bc I wasn't a bitter, resentful and burned out caregiver as I'd have been with her living in my home.
Look into Memory Care Assisted Living, Skilled Nursing care with Medicaid and a Miller trust, and/or in home caregivers 8 hrs a day at the very least. Speak to an elder care attorney about your options, it's the best way to go. Dementia care requires a team approach and is normally way more than 1 person can manage. It's not you, it's the disease.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
I couldn't agree more. You cannot sacrifice your own life on the altar of caregiving. Your Mom has had her life. You have your own one life to live, her gift to you. It is time to recognize now that you have reached the limits of what you can do. There will be a lot of grief in this, but it is worth the grieving.
I am so sorry and wish you the best.
https://www.healthline.com/health/health-caregiver-burnout
https://www.healthline.com/health/respite-care#:~:text=Respite%20care%20professionals%20can%20assist,General%20medical%20care.
(If you read through this one it has many resources and links that can help you find a choice that could work for you)
It's the airplane affect... put your mask on first, then help your child or LO...
If you go down, who is going to help mom?
breathe.. start looking at places near you... If you find one.. go back and tour it again, just stop by and see how they treat you, etc...
Ya, I was sleep deprived... My spouse finally saw that I wasn't sleeping.. I would go to Moms at night, watch her, shadow her, get up in the AM, go home, get our kid ready for school, go to work, come home, get dinner, and then .... REPEAT...
so, you have been on here for awhile... start looks for AL... It's a B..ch... and you will feel you dropped the ball, and feel guilty about it... JUST DON'T... It's hard to get through that THICK WALL OF GUILT... I'm chiseling away at it,,, have been for a few years now... then I patch it back up, and have to start over again.... What was that game called? Tetrus? you have to knock down a wall, as it is repairing itself.. If it goes completely back up to the top of the screen --- you lose... so much fun...
pacman was better...
It’s emotionally and physically exhausting to be a caregiver.
It’s completely normal to become overwhelmed, frustrated and depressed while caring for someone who needs as much help as your mother does.
I felt the same emotions that you are feeling when I was a caregiver for my parents. It is tough!
You must take care for yourself. If you become sick then your mom is left without care. It’s better to seek outside help. I realize this is a problem for you because you say that your mom does not have the resources.
Contact Council on Aging in your area. Ask them to do an evaluation of your mother’s condition. Ask what they feel is the best way to find help for her. Explain that you are single and must have time to operate your business.
Or you could contact a Medicaid specialist in your area and explain your mother’s financial situation to them.
You say that you feel like you will have a nervous breakdown and that you have self hatred. Please know that you have done your very best and that you deserve a life of your own.
Your mother has Alzheimer’s disease and isn’t able to think rationally. You say that you are the only one who is responsible for her care. This doesn’t mean that you must do the hands on care.
You can get her situated in a facility and then go back to being her daughter and become her advocate by overseeing her care. Your mother will adjust to her new surroundings.
Wishing you peace as you continue to work on a plan to get your mom the help that she needs. I truly hope that you will be able to spend time with your precious dog who is nearing the end of his life.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. Of course, you miss him and you deserve time to yourself to grieve and heal from everything that you have been through.
One more thing, disregard all of the negative comments that your family has made. They don’t know anything about what it takes to be a caregiver for a parent who needs an enormous amount of care. Tell them that unless they have walked in your shoes, they have absolutely no room to criticize you!
You have to protect your health first or your mom will have no one to help or make decisions for her care.
The stress will severely damage you. After my dad passed 2020 caring for mom with part time caregivers brought on a stroke and heart surgery for me, an active healthy 65 year old. Please hear me!
While you are deciding on a care solution can you hire some part time help?
One more thought.....the mom you had is gone and you now have an ill senior to care for. Just do the best you can. Try to find more rest.
I am 65 now and haven’t had much time for my own care. (I do try to keep involved with my volunteer work which is, thankfully, flexible.) I am trying to work on that too for the reasons you have mentioned.
Now that I have found heavier duty incontinence products on line than are in the stores I plan to figure out the rate she will go through them so I can just get weekly deliveries. I have a glucose monitor for her and it is the women with her daily who make sure it is charged. Fortunately she has not had a low BG episode and instead runs high which is not ideal but not immediately life threatening. She isn’t on insulin but jiardiance , which doesn’t help with her incontinence since it causes her to pee out the excess sugars, but doesn’t tend to cause hypoglycemia. Since she had a double mastectomy over a decade ago for breast cancer she has needed a compression sleeve for one arm and they help her with that as well. Her doctor said that assisted living would not be a bad idea for her at the last appointment but we are trying to go with in-home care for now.
I guess it is telling that I started with trying to say that I recognize that my health is being put on the back burner and I wouldn’t be surprised if I had something along the lines of a stroke at 65 but I have ended up, again, centering on my mother.
Thank you for the reminder of what can happen! (And yes, I know that I have encouraged others to make a point of taking care of themselves first but it is definitely easier said than done!)
Anyway, we all need the reminders to take care of ourselves as well!
Are you mom's POA? Since they started paperwork but never finished is this one of the things left undone?
If you are POA you can take steps that will help mom. Without it it might be more difficult. (If no POA Guardianship may be needed and half sister could file to obtain Guardianship if she wishes...just a thought for you)
Was mom or dad in the Service? If so the VA may provide help or mom may be entitled to Aid and Attendance. (only if it was her second husband that was in the service, if her first husband was a Veteran once she remarried she no longer is entitled to first husbands benefits)
Mom needs more help than you alone can give.
If mom has funds she pays for caregivers.
You can check with resources in your area to see if help is available. Many Senior Services have Grants that can help pay for caregivers or other services that can help.
Your local Area Agency on Aging may have resources.
Alzheimer's Association should have a list of resources in your area.
Xanax if taken regularly can also work as an anti-depressant. I will take either so as not to get dependent on any one. And I skip anything altogether a few nights for the same reason.
I'm sure Ambien works great for some people and if it helps and they have no side effects, that's wonderful. I don't knock it. I just think it might be helpful for me to report experiences close friends have had.
My Friend and I believe Ambien was the cause of Anthony Bourdain demise it places you in a hypnotic trance state .
I've read your previous posts, and you have an untenable situation.
As long as you won't consider placement for your mother, things probably aren't going to change.
One way to think of things is what do you think would happen to your mother if you couldn't take care of her anymore? Say you died from the stress or had an accident and became hospitalized?
1. Confer with her PCP , and request a case manager ( usually a licensed social worker) to be assigned to help you navigate potential options for assistance. These may include help in home or facility placement options.
2. Get the PCP to assess your mother for an updated accurate " level of care needs ". This will tell you a lot that confirms what you are experiencing and,about helping guide care options.
3. Be sure that if you are the POA that you have correct documents for this in order to make decisions for her.
4. Consider also that a lot of dementia patients get their times mixed up and are up at night when others should be sleeping....hence then in morning they still need care and the vicious cycle for you,the caregiver continues in order to keep them " safe".
5. Consider that pilots, surgeons, train engineers and other professionals are not allowed to work after x number of hours on duty; this is for their well being as well as the safety and well being of others in their care. You and all the other " caregivers" out there are no different, except that there is no " regulation" and other person ready to step in. I share all of this to confirm you, help you not feel guilty, and to encourage you to get help perhaps by starting with one of the above suggestions. And, if memory care, facility placement is an option, do not dismiss it. Consider what would happen to your mother now if you get ill, collapse from exhaustion or worse?
Who would care for her? Who helps you now?
You might even have her assessed by a hospice of your choice to see if she is appropriate for hospice care; this would give you a broad range of professional support making decisions....
I'm sure you have heard it all. This site is great but you already know the answer you are seeking. Find a good nursing home and place your mom. You are not happy, you have done what you can. Find your life again and put your mom somewhere she is safe and will get the care she needs.
You will still have your emotions to handle. You will still feel but in my opinion giving up your life for her life is not the answer.
Wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you find peace.
Perhaps watching videos of how to cope with seniors with Alz would help. Teepa Snow is well thought of.
Have you spoken to your dr about your issues? Some meds might help you relax and get more sleep.
Wishing you all the best,
I will watch sleep apps on repeat - Calm has green noise . The apps are great 😊