I need to know what to say to my granddad as he has expressed a want to end his life.

I recall having heard (many years ago!) about a hospital providing a bottle of pain killers and telling the patient "you should only take one at a time; taking too many at a time could be fatal" and then the staff member walking out of the room knowing that the patient might overdose purposely.

My 84 year old father killed himself. He was going around outside with a walker and oxygen (COPD) and things were looking bad with his eyes, etc. He'd been in the hospital the year before for atrial fibrillation and got a pacemaker which didn't seem to do much good. He did not have dementia, at least not to our knowledge and not the kind my mother got a little later. He killed himself with a handgun, outside, but my mother was the one who found him. I can't imagine the shock. He didn't leave a note of any kind. For anyone. I was horribly shocked myself, I kept thinking there MUST be a note but we never found one for my mom, for me, or for any of my sisters. I think he wouldn't have done it - then - if he could have been sure that if he went back to the hospital and didn't get out, he could have still done it (not with a handgun but with assisted suicide). He had signed a DNR paper but I don't think he trusted his family of females to follow it if it became necessary. This is the dilemma - either you do it when you still have some wits about you - or - you wait too long and are in the hospital or somewhere you can't access the stuff for the method you've chosen. It's a sticky wicket.

Hi Hazel, it sounds like your grandpa is still aware enough to realize something is drastically wrong but is unable to understand what’s going on. He is trapped in his mind with a brain that is malfunctioning. I personally believe that each individual has the right to determine what is best for him/her. I don’t believe that we should over ride a terminally ill person’s wish to move on. That being said, if you aren’t in a state that allows assisted suicide, and your grandpa really is ready to leave this world, you can offer him love and support and reflect on how valuable his life has been to you and to others. As far as ending life goes, you can ask his doctor about putting him on hospice if he has an expected 6 months or less to live. All meds can stop for other ailments and he can be given only the meds needed for pain management. As one’s body prepares for death, you usually stop eating and then stop drinking. (This is very hard to accept and difficult to watch by the way....)The body will then begin to shut down and then that last breath will be taken and your loved one will slip into the next world.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this with your Granddad, but this thread is actually sort of "freeing" to me because I've really felt I'm the only person who feels this way... My Mom died a year ago this month - Nov. 13 - and I will always remember her strength, intelligence, dry sense of humor, compassionate heart, independence... That is, until the last two years of her life, which were an unfair Hell for such a woman in her 90's...

I don't have nightmares anymore - thank God! - about her end, about the way she screamed in pain for 3 days after a slip & fall in a NH when a CNA was giving her a shower, and she broke both bones below her left knee... She was in such pain because the hospital/nurses/doctors said "we can't give her any more pain meds because it could kill her!" I will always be greatful to the hospitalist doc who intervened and suggested hospice as a viable option, and allowed her to go in relatively painless peace. She was 97, she had macular degeneration, and was blind - in the days after the fall, the hospital suspected she'd had a mild heart attack, might have a clot in her lungs, her kidneys were failing, she would never get up again or have any quality of life, which had been little enough (actually no where near enough) for a long time before that fall.

She was in a nursing home after a prior fall when she broke her hip & wrist, and the repercussions of that fall in surgeries, mistreatment, gross negligence from several "facilities" left her disabled and in pain, confined to a wheelchair and absolutely miserable about her "life". I spent those two years right along with her in Hell, trying to comfort her and support her when she consistently lamented about the prospect of this being her "life" forever...

My previous "plans" for my own future options, my opinion about "end of life" quality, were solidified and verified. I live now terrified that I also won't have the choice she didn't have. I fear that I won't be able to take the final step for myself because of circumstances beyond my control. I agree with an earlier answer that we wouldn't treat animals the way we do people in hopeless and utterly inhumane conditions. We would be arrested for felony abuse and neglect... So yes, I think it's approaching criminal that most of this society does consider suicide under any circumstances as a mental illness, a weakness of character, whatever other excuses "we" can find to justify our need to prolong breathing lungs and beating hearts well beyond what nature would accomplish without medical intervention...

I do live in Oregon, with assisted suicide provisions, but even that law has restrictions and conditions which put that option beyond many people. I'm sorry this message is so harsh, but the reality is this should be no stigma to the memory of a loved one, or to those left behind... "Assistance" should be a human right for everyone, and the understanding and availability of this process should be a comfort to people who feel it is their final option and to the loved ones left behind. Everyone should have the right to determine what constitutes their choices and views on quality of life, and the solace of a dignified end to the inevitable...

I believe when they are ready to die they stop eating. Until then I don’t think they are ready. For those of sound mind, tho, can put in their health directive that no one is to give them Ensure ( which can keep them alive for over a year) , or feed them, if they can’t feed themselves. It’s a vicious disease and eventually there is no quality of life.

none of us are going to live on this earth forever. after seeing my mom going down with alzheimers and parkinsons, i totally understand a person saying they wish to die before they get to incontinence, being bedridden and wheelchair bound. she can't string a simple sentence together nor feed herself. i've told my husband and kids if i ever get a diagnosis of a dementia, they are to stop all meds that would prolong my life. pain meds only if needed. i'm a christian, but at some point we need to stop obsessing over trying to live forever on this planet. at what cost? it's not right that we hold on to people just to make ourselves feel better. let them go already.

CWillie, I didn’t say to stop offering food to anyone. What I said was if you didn’t want to live with this disease you could set up your health directive to read, ‘if I can’t feed my self then I don’t want to be hand fed.’ It’s not for everyone. Mine does not say that but my sisters does.

I am not an advocate of suicide. I live with a person with inherited clinical depression.

I look at this probably differently than most people. Who am I, or you? to tell someone what to do with their own personal life. We may not want something to happen or we are sad they feel like they do. But in the end, the choice is theirs to make. It is THEIR life, not yours. If they are truly beginning to decline and know what is to come, and if this is what they want, then we must accept it. Some people cannot live with declining facilities, etc. I for one can't do that but at the same time, even though I am disabled and can't walk, at 85 I make myself do the things daily that I did many, many years ago. I refuse to give in to the pain and other problems. I am determined to do the two jobs I hold for l4 years and nearly 50 years (love them both), I take college courses, I drive and go out to eat by myself, have lots of hobbies I do, etc. In other words, I can't walk and hurt like hell but I have a very high functioning brain and as long as I can make myself continue to do the things I love to do, I'll be around - but if not, well you know where this will end up. But having my dear kitty with me would make me think twice. So, accept the way he feels and while not encouraging it, try to understand how this poor soul feels. He wants peace that he is losing daily. Don't do something to take that choice away from him.

My sympathies, love and prayers to you; I went through a similar but smaller degree to your dilemma.

Growing up, I went with my father to visit sick/capacitated relatives. Later in life, both parents and I discussed end-of-life wishes. So, I’ve known for quite some time how he felt about these issues and not being able to live a productive life.
Years later, he was diagnosed with cognitive impairment. I was able to secure a living will and durable power of attorney paperwork from the hospital library. With a notary of public as witness, we reviewed, answered, and signed the paperwork.
As the dementia progressed, so did his depression. Since I had already removed the guns from the house, he tried to use a pocket knife to threaten suicide. He cried, and begged God to ‘take him now’ several times a week. An antidepressant was prescribed and it improved his mental status.
Last year, he was hospitalized with aspiration pneumonia. Hospice was called and he would now need to have his food puréed and liquids thickened. I know he would not like to exist like this, so a DNR and comfort care order has been done. I know it will be hard for me to see him go through this, but this is about what I know about him and his wishes.
You have gotten a lot of good advice here from others.
When he brings up the subject again, talk to him at length about his wishes about future treatments and ask him if he would like to help you to get paperwork done to follow through with this. Seek out medical and legal professionals to get the proper paperwork done so that you can aid your grandfather (while he is still able to express his wishes) to not prolong his life. I will keep you both in my prayers.

Anti-depressants may help.

its truly sad but death, is part of life. No one wants to die. No one wants to depend on other people to dress, feed and even wipe their butts. We all have our pride, even in death.
My dad told me that it was his job as a man and father to take care of me, not the other way around. The fact that he was also incontinence made the issue even worse. he didn't want his daughter seeing, or touching his private parts to change his diaper. that's all pride, and dignity.
so I can understand how they feel as I think I would feel the same.
when I first started to change his diapers he was so embarrassed it wasn't funny. I stopped and said to him to try and make it a little easier for him to
accept was" hey daddy, is this little thing where I came from" and he busted out laughing and said " yup but it was a lot bigger than" we laughed like hell.
mom on the other hand passed away three weeks after my dad. that was hard for me. my mom was the opposite of dad. she didn't care what you did as long as she didn't have to do anything. diaper change time she would open her legs and say to me "take me I'm yours".
when our family members and or good friends lives are coming to an end, their is fear of the unknown, panic, pain, and other unknowns that must go thru their minds, especially with the dementia and Alzheimers . So what they say might not be what they really mean.
all we can do is let them know we are there for them, love them, talk to them, and treasure the time you have left with the as the memories of them will always be in our hearts.

It would be beneficial for all concerned to have your father begin a study of euthanasia. There are many approaches available (in spite of a plethora of do-gooders); it is not just available for the well-to-do; and it doesn't have the risk and mess of a do-it-yourself er.
If you have a religious barrier concerning this methodology of finding relief, then it is probable that your ancestors supported the inquisition in the twelfth century.
Make sure your father reads some of the delightful testimonies of families who participated in touching and loving ways to send their relative to the next life.