I’m living with and caring for my elderly grandmother who is in her late 90’s. This evening she really became angry and was crying the moment I walked in the door. She was critical of me because I didn’t immediately take her where she wanted ( I had just walked in the door from work and hadn’t even sat my purse down!) and she began crying and carrying on that I treat her ‘so bad’. This was after I came home during my lunch hour to bring her newspapers and to check on her. THEN I was the sweetest granddaughter (her words). But for the life of me I can’t do enough for her! I cook, clean, shop, garden, make sure she has everything she needs, and run the household. She can be so kind and considerate at times and then just turn on me and I feel like a little girl again and get my feelings hurt. I have a serious health issue (heart related) that I have worked hard to overcome and don’t want my heath to suffer again. I just want some advice as to how to avoid the emotional fallout that I experience when she gets mean and ugly with me. Thank you in advance.
Whether it's age onset dementia, crankiness, bitterness…
The sad truth is that at this point, we need to decipher the everyday bitterness from a Urinary Tract Infection. The most important thing for you is to take care of yourself!
The lack of gratitude is difficult, but when it turns into criticism, constant arguing (and, in my case, being treated like a slave-robot), it WILL destroy you.
Reach out to support groups for caregivers, vent here and please try to have compassion and logic (they don't mean it, it's not who they've always been).
My parents were driving me into the ground, I was getting into car accidents, forgetting my own work schedule- just trying to manage the endless demands and my own life. If you look up "caregiver burnout", I was the definition.
I finally took an involuntary respite. I broke down to the point that I couldn't deal with any of it anymore. The guilt has been illness-inducing and none of our lives have gotten back on track since.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Reach out for support, remember the better times and try to be compassionate.
Best of luck to you, love ❤️ Prayers 🙏🏻
This gig requires patience and love beyond measure (and sometimes reason). Would that we could all be saints, exceptionally spiritually qualified for this!
It has helped me immensely to read your query, and also to read this thread full of responses. Sometimes just the reminder that there are so many other souls out there experiencing what we experience is all the help we need to go on for awhile longer. We are surely in plenty of good company, for what it's worth.
Hugs, prayers, and blessings to you all!!
The thing I found helpful was to "practice" whatever I needed to say. I'd do it in front of the mirror or with my husband in "role play". It seems to 'set' better in your brain than just thinking about what you'll say. The more you practice, the better you will become at having the response you want rather than what comes spewing out of your mouth.
It's more than hard NOT to engage in a conversation where you are being attacked. Knee-jerk responses are the norm but you will have practiced your responses and have them at the ready.
Also, there are things like meditation, exercise classes, bio-feedback, breathing exercises, music therapy, hot showers and the like to ease the stress of your situation. Of course this forum is where you can let it ALL hang out!
The timing (late afternoon) of her 'different' behavior sounds just like sundowning, especially since she was nice to you at lunchtime. Unfortunately, she's at the age where dementias are the most prevalent. UTI's also wreak havoc on the elderly (women mostly). See if you can't get her doc to run a urine test.
In my late 90's I think I'd be a bit b*tchy too from just living too long. She's gotta' be tired with all the years she's seen.
As they say, be a duck and let her comments roll off your back.
Good luck. Let us know what worked and how you're coping.
It is helpful to remember that your loved one has become "a time traveler" moving back and forth between different times in the past and now. He or she is not in control of how they behave. They are often moody, perhaps because they sense they are no longer in control of their lives.
It's tough, but you do need to step back and give yourself time to be. Don't try to care for the person living with (PLwD) on your own. Get in other members of your family and paid carers. If you don't, you will burn out and no longer be able to care for your loved one. I think patience and compassion develops slowly in relation to the needs of the PLwD. Be patient with yourself and try to communicate your patience to your loved one.
On the other hand, it's a joy when Mr Parkinson's is quiet and Mom is back. I spoil her and talk, sing, or read to her and she's always appreciative.
It takes practice, but separating her from her disease can be a sanity saver.
Bless you for caring for Grandma. But care for yourself, too.
I agree with Old Bob and the other posts here. It sounds like something she can't help. My honey does not have sundowners ( as I said your situation is somewhat different but with some of the same challenges as mine), but I found that a lot of his worry and anxiety attacks (which I intend to address with his pc doctor tomorrow when we see him). When things were going downhill physically for him, he complained constantly and then went to being vicious and mean verbally. When he came home from the hospital and rehab he was like a different person. He has been home a little over a week and though he is not being verbally abusive, he still gets his cut downs in like don't touch his phone, check book (I had been balancing it for him) etc as anything I touch I mess up. When this starts I just say fine, take it with a grain of salt and go on about my business or head to my study. I refuse to rise to him baiting me. He is aware though that I will not tolerate any yelling and/or verbal abuse, period. I am aware that the cut downs are a form of verbal abuse, but I choose to ignore them as I have found that though I love him very much, he can only hurt me or make me angry if I allow it. I learned that after the severe verbal abuse that I endured before.
Please hang in there... You might look into a psychologist/psychiatrist that teaches mental relaxation techniques. This was taught to me after I had my first major stroke and it has stood me in good stead through the years. Also, find a hobby that you like and work on it a little bit every day. I have told my honey flat that unless it is an emergency I will not respond between such and such hour(s). You have to set boundaries while still reassuring the loved one that you love them very much but in order to be able to help them, unless it is an emergency, you need this time period for yourself. Took me awhile and it was hard for me to do this, but I have and it is working out well. By the way..still keep a check on her (I check on my honey periodically during this time..most of the time he does not know it. )
Well have to run as rehab for my honey just showed up. Please take care and keep us posted how you are doing.
Speak to the doctor and let him know whats going on and the rest really is in gods hands now. some how some way you need to be strong enough to ignore the negative side of behavior and enjoy the positive part of grandma.
After having both parents go thru it at the same time, and than having them pass three weeks apart recently I can tell you from experience you will has lots of ups and downs but if you can teach your self to block out the bad and thrive on the good you will be ok.
I don't think of all the terrible hurtful things either of my parents said or did, I think of all of the good times I was able to have with them until they passed.
Be strong and loving to her and to yourself ... caregiving is the hardest job to do.
good luck and keep in touch....
Things that are said that bring me back to childhood emotionally. I give you so much praise for being there for your grandmother but remember you are there to help not get pulled into her life.
You may be at the point that you need to get more support for yourself and get away.
You need to care for yourself so you can be there for her.
Boundaries are our friend. 😊
Best to ignore and say yes to everything and continue to be gentle, then they respond better, more often. It isn't easy, but it is the way it is. Take care.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.
And get some of your own interests and hobbies going. Especially those that remove you from her presence.
1 Respond positive and calmly.
2 Be neutral or vague even though you may have a good strong point to make.
3 Act as though you are considering things she says, but respond with a kind voice of reason.
4 WALK AWAY calmly when needed.
5 Don't use your words as weapons or daggers to inflict pain or to get a reaction. Use your words as tools to keep peace for yourself if nothing else.
This is all easier said than done I know, but with time you will master this. You may fail at times, but start over.
sometimes nice and sometimes upset. I try to take him places, but he still feels no one takes him anymore. He's frustrated that he cant drive like he use to. I understand and try to help, but there's so much i can do. I need to live too.
My advice is while they might say convoluted things, dont take it personally. They are just venting. You know you are doing your best.
If I can't take him somewhere, I try to occupy him in other ways, with music or a movie or newspaper
You will not ever understand her nor will you ever change her...You have a choice.
You can decline to play the game.
Let her rant and carry one as long a she wants...It will be unpleasant for you, yet what you have been doing has not worked for you and this may not change her at all, but it sure can change you.. Bottom line: You will not change her...You can change you...
Grace + Peace,
Bob
That said, it helps to step away, have a big cry and pitty moment, and then get back in the game. Good luck and hugs, this is really hard stuff!