I care for 2 elderly parents, a mentally challenged adult sister as well as a friend of the family. Parents: Mom 3 strokes, dementia, A-fib, Diabetes, and Dementia, Depression, Anxiety, and COPD. Father: Parkinsons, Dementia, Osteoporosis, Constant UTI's, Retired 1st Class Army Seargent (May explain the challenge) Friend: Dementia, depression, and anxiety. Sister is Mentally challenged and has been living with me since August of 2020 (Real challenge with parents here).
I try to take some time for myself, but when I do, I am being told I am neglecting them, and they will get someone here that will take care of them.
My parents came up in September after I was summoned to Florida when mom had her last stroke. Many of their belongings as well as ours are in a storage unit. ( I had to get rid of all my furniture to make room for them) Mind you this is their house; I was renting it.
Now I am always being told to get the F out or they are going to call the cops if I don't leave. (Mom does this when she gets agitated, especially when she is told she cannot smoke, she says it is her f'n house and she will do what she wants. When there are arguments, they end up explosions and then mom calls sister in Florida then I am questioned on what I am doing and why mom is calling her. (That usually ends in a hang up from my sister with me or mom).
I try to maintain, but it is hard especially when friend and Father start putting their two cents into the conversation, at that point I lose it, try to go to my room and then I am being told I am walking away.
I am lucky if I have 20 minutes to myself a day without being paged for something, Not so bad right now (Knock on wood) But does get bad at times when dad is falling all the time (usually when he isn't drinking enough water and he ends up dehydrated with UTI.
My day consists usually of:
Get up
9:00am Take Dogs out, Get cup of coffee
9:05am Check Glucose
9:10am Get Breakfast
9:15am Empty Potty Basin
9:30am Wash Dishes
10:00am Come upstairs, clean letter pans, feed cats,
do some work, answer emails, and work on needed documents such as invoices, or estimates, or make important phone calls
11:45am Empty Potty Basin
11:50am Check parents' water
12:00pm Make Lunch
12:30pm Clean Bathroom (usually needs to have floor cleaned from pee)
1:00pm Do laundry if needed or clean kitchen, dust furniture, and do floor.
1:30pm Clean My Bedroom and Bathroom
2:00pm Snack if wanted, check parents' water
2:30pm Check Bathroom and wipe up floor if needed
3:00pm Take care of Dogs
3:15pm Empty Potty Basin
3:20pm Check e-mail, do research on computer
3:45 Go downstairs and get dinner items ready
4:00- 4:30pm Make Dinner
5:00pm Eat Dinner
5:30pm Clean up after dinner and do dishes
6:30pm Empty Potty Basin
6:45-8:00pm Hang out upstairs with husband and play on computer (only if I am not doing laundry, or even at the store), (I usually have to go in the evening)
8:00pm Take Dogs Out, Give dogs snacks and vitamins
8:15pm Sit with the parents and watch television (Not always)
9:00pm Test Glucose
9:05pm Give snacks, check water, give kisses and go upstairs
9:30-whenever I am either reading, or playing on my computer
Go to bed when sleepy and then at 8:45am, it starts all over again.
I guess what I am asking is, has anyone else had a schedule such as this? And how did you survive it? Do you have any advice for me? Have you heard of burn-out? Well, I am totally exhausted, Help is desperately needed. Do you think I am doing too much?
I try to take some time for myself, but when I do, I am being told I am neglecting them, and they will get someone here that will take care of them.
INVITE them to. In fact facilitate it in any way possible.
In your schedule, you forgot the medical appointments, presumably the grocery shopping and being on call during night hours. Even at $20/hour, this would be about $90K for one person, maybe a couple, and that's just for 12 hours. But FOUR people for 24/7? (It's always amazing that the people demanding care don't do the math, isn't it?)
One person can't do for FOUR people like this.
Plus, I can't' imagine hubs likes living in one room either. A room that might cost, what, $800/month in a houseshare with NO obligations other than to clean up after yourself.
Tell them that you will be re-entering the job force, and then do it. You'll still be there at night, but they'll have to find someone during the day. You can assist, but unless they've been declared legally incompetent, it's still up to them. Let them find out how much it costs.
Use the money to rent an apartment if the abuse continues. Seriously, if you did the work you do on the open market (am not advising as it would kill anyone) plus hub's income, you two could afford a pretty nice place for yourself.
I realize they are old and demented, but realize too that a lot of people with dementia retain a genius edge at reverse-guilting people. They guilted you into taking on THEIR FRIEND.
Start separating now. First off, you need a real job that you can put on a resume. Second you need a real place so you can sustain what remains for now, a real marriage.
When your mom had a stroke, did she go to rehab?
Was it assumed that you would begin to provide care for her? Did you volunteer?
Was your mentally challenged sister under your care before? Isn't that enough?
And the family friend? How did s/he get to be on your plate?
Are you able/ willing to say "no" to any of these folks?
Sometimes, we dive in in times of crisis. The crisis is over and this caregiving situation is simply too much work for any one person. You need to work on changing it before you collapse and die.
Eta, I see you have 10 grandchildren. I was assuming that perhaps you were in your 40s with older parents.
This is untenable.