I need help in dealing with the resentment towards siblings who don't help more when they know what it takes to care for an elderly parent.

Just the other day I was telling my sister how stressed I am taking care of my father on top of having seizures. Her reply is well you chose to take care of him. Can I help it if I saw him in need and decided to be the responsible one and act? While she and her husband are making plans to buy a beach house and travel out of country next year. Yes it’s hard not to feel resentment. I had to explain to her I can only do so much being sick myself. In time, he will either have to go to a care home or live with her. Her reply? There’s no way I’m letting him go to a care home and he can’t live with me. Don’t you wish we could choose your own family members? I would definitely choose a sister more supportive

Unfortunately, this happens all too often. I’m sure that doesn’t help you feel any better. I had the exact same situation. My sister never lifted a hand to help, & eventually after having words with my mom, she never returned to visit our parents again. No one really knows why siblings act that way. You have no control over the things they do, or their motives. You do, however, have control of yours. In Ephesians 6:12-13, the Bible says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.13 Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.” Pray for your sister, & know that you are a blessing to help your family. They are blessed to have you. Regardless of the situation, stay focused on what you should do, & don’t get sidetracked or hurt by her behavior. The Lord will greatly reward you for this caregiving, as I believe it to be very much in His Will for you to do. Blessings to you, I understand totally!

She knew all that you were doing...and she probably THOUGHT you did not want help. You never asked for it.
People say...If there is anything I can do to help let me know" ..then they don't do anything. Because "we" don't want to impose or put people out. People are NOT mind readers.
when someone says "if there is anything I can do" You say Oh, that would be great I have a to pick up moms prescriptions on Tuesday, she normally watches Wheel of Fortune that I recorded around 1 could you come over then and just sit with her while I run to the drugstore?
or
I have not been able to get to the store since last week, would you mind picking up some eggs, milk and bread? come over we can have lunch and chat while mom naps.
for your sister..Ask if she would come stay with mom for the weekend so you can get away. Or ask if she would come stay with mom on Wednesdays so you can have a day off. She can come at 9 in the morning and you can be "free" to do what you want until you come home at 4 or 5.

By the way..I read your profile. I think you should bring yourself out of "retirement". Since many schools are doing a hybrid of in school and remote learning is there a way the school would bring you back as one of the remote learning teachers? Or work as a remote Tutor?

Many people, even otherwise good people, will do anything to escape the unpleasant aspects of caring for a parent, or anything else that substantially limits their freedom of action for long periods of time. Did you not ask her to help you because you feared her answer would fracture your relationship? You already know she is willing to leave you with it. There are limits to your sister’s love.

When speaking of our infirm brother, my sister states that she is “giving the problem to God.” What she means is that she is giving the responsibility for his care to anyone other than herself. She faults others for being concerned about him and coming to his aid. She doesn’t care one jot how her refusal to do more affects those who are trying to help him. Growing up, she was the only one who was emotionally close to this brother. Now she merely calls him occasionally to see how he is while his daughter, his younger brother and myself try to look after him. But my sister has always been self absorbed, entitled, pseudo-religious, and an emotionally absent parent. She doesn’t grasp the meaning of ordinary human compassion or true family love.

In almost every family, the caregiver becomes the one who steps up because of love, guilt, proximity or money. The others immediately fall behind by offering marginal support or trying to hide out from the responsibility entirely. Siblings who live out of town are especially prone to the latter tactic. At first they blow into town to visit the parent, but as the caregiving burden grows, you see less and less of them. Every sibling will find some way to rationalize everything they don’t do.

They will still expect to receive their share of the estate, scrutinize your expenditures after the fact and lay claim to as many of the family heirlooms and memorabilia as is their want, They will make no shamefaced apologies for their conduct, feel no real guilt or later claim they didn’t understand. It’s just how the parent caregiving scenario works. The character of each sibling is always revealed when they are tasked with giving up their freedom for a parent they don’t believe they should have to care for. The love of a parent for a child is normally unbounded; the love for a parent by a child usually is not.

My advice is for you to accept this reality and move on with caring for your parent. Ask or, if necessary, demand from your sister what you specifically need from her when you need it, but don’t expect her to do anything other than what you require. You will be a lot happier when you realize, like most family caregivers, that when you accepted responsibility for your parent, you agreed, for the most part, to do it on your own. You will be a lot happier if you, and every other caregiver in the same situation, stop expecting something from your siblings that is probably never going to happen and lay aside their failures when your parents are gone.

Uh Oh, First this sounds like my situation, I was the care giver, my sister handled the finances. My sister was a gambler, and before long my moms money was no longer paying the bills, it was paying my sister's and her family's happy holiday weekends at the casinos. I don't know your situation, but I was on my own in helping my mother, she was 83, weight of over 300 lbs, and could not do for herself, her body just fell apart. But her mind was good most of the time, confused when waking up until I explained that her dreams were not what happened, whatever was on tv when she was sleeping became how her night was spent. She liked Swamp People and The Walking Dead, so she told me how she spent the night fighting off alligators, or that all these horrible people came into her room and tried to kill her and eat her. Your siblings are not interested in your mother's health, and certainly not worried about how hard and tired your job keeping your mother going is. That is not news to those of us who did the job you are doing, because we got our ice cold slap in the face already, and had to face the truth of who our siblings really are, tried to blame ourselves, thought we had done something to deserve the treatment we got from them. Let me try to make this process easier for you, so you don't go into depression, and feel unworthy or whatever you might feel. Your mother needs you, you are doing what you are doing because there isn't anyone else who has a heart and loves your mother, if you left, your mother would have no one. None of your siblings will step up and take your place, they will neglect her, try to find a stranger to care of your mother, or put her in a home to rot, unless they are making money off your mother staying at home, cause if she goes to a home, they won't be able to get her money anymore. That behaviour in and of itself should tell you what kind of people you grew up with, loved and trusted all your life, have either been or have become. Your just seeing it now because no one ever needed to do for your mother, she was the rock, I'm guessing. Keep in mind that it is a special, in some people's opinions an Angel of a daughter or a son who takes on the burden of caring and doing for another person, your mother being that person. Siblings will cover their as--s and show up 15 mins. before any healthcare worker pays a visit and leave 5 mins. after they do, so it always seems that the nurse or whatever trusts the wrong child as the go to and calls them, because they believe that is who takes care of your mother. It's all a show, and unless you realize what is going on and accept that siblings that don't share in helping and caring for their own mother are self absorbed, selfish demons who probably have made you out to be a leach who is living off your mother, to anyone who asks them about who is caring for your mother. Does this seem like crazy talk, I haven't even scratched the surface of how family can hurt and tear apart the one who takes care of a parent. The why is the crazy part, they have low self-esteem, jealousy, shame of what they themselves are doing, lies they tell to others to keep up appearances, and possible theft if they are like my siblings. Deceptions, and people who are deceptive hate anyone who knows the truth, you are that one person who knows the truth, so in my case, they have to take away all credibility from you, me. They talk of mental problems, and blow up stories of how you are out of control and always feeling sorry for yourself, that you lie about everyone, and think you do everything, even state a possible drinking or drug habit that you have been dealing with for years. They tell neighbors, family members, friends, and say it with concern for you. Like they are just worried about your mother, and of course their sister. Now you look like a threat to your mother and they are doing all they can to help you both. What to do, remember that you are your own best friend. Stay true.

Maybe she thinks you are ok with your position. If you want her to help. ask her. What can it hurt?

I have felt the same way , it is definitely hurtful to know that siblings don’t share or care enough to help. It does cause resentment. I do everything for my 2 parents from finances , doctor visits, acting as a counselor to them , advocate . They are both in a residential facility but rely on me for daily talks , visits, and all their needs. My siblings did nothing but visit 1 a month or every 2 months so I began to divide up chores such as doctor visits, getting clothes and it helped lessen the load . You have to give the orders to your sister since she is not going to just help and tell your mom to Ask her as well. Then you need to have someone come in even if once a week to take your mom out somewhere or look after her so you can have downtime .My husband and I get away twice a month on a weekend so I can have some rest. Just let go of the level of care a little, your mom won’t mind and you will feel less overload . You can’t change how people behave but you can give them directions. Hang in there , it does get better if you make small changes.❤️

You don’t need to tell me you’re female, because you QUIT YOUR JOB!! No male is expected to do that. You have to decide realistically what you can do, and let the more able siblings know what that is. Then the options are: hire for the rest, if siblings won’t step up. Or get siblings to contribute financially, if necessary.
One person cannot do it all; doing so will wreck your health. You must take care of yourself first! You also deserve to have a life. Don’t be browbeaten by “martyrdom”!
I hope I live long enuf to see that caregiving is everyone’s work, not just women’s!

Thank *you* to Beatty here who said thank you for being a loving daughter/son. Let me say thank you too to Beatlefan. I've winced at the expression 'you don't get to choose your family, but you get to choose your friends," but it seems true here on AgingCare. We've been through, are going through, absolute h*ll. I don't understand the motivation of others here on AgingCare who are so rotten and damaged that they defend callous siblings, saying they have no obligation to their parents. Why would they be posting here? Why aren't they out enjoying their carefree lives?

Wow, I am surprised by some of the responses and wonder if these responders have ever been full-time caregivers. I have taken care of my parents for 15 years, both of whom had a form of age related dementia. I thought when I moved 180 miles to live with them that we had a mutually beneficial relationship with me helping to manage some of their affairs and they helping me out with babysitting my daughter. I soon discovered they needed a lot more care than I originally thought and realized they could not help me with my daughter. My Autistic sister (she was diagnosed at age 58) was living with them and I suddenly was taking care of four people plus myself. I have three other siblings all living remotely and only one of them stepped up to help when he could visit one to two times per year. On the rare occasions when the other two visited, they expected me to wait on them as I was "using" Mom and Dad. I was forced to give up my career (and income) and my daughter's childhood was severely compromised by my parents' and sister's needs. Five of us were living on a fixed income, so there was no opportunity to bring in help. Many promises were made by siblings to help, such as the annual Part D Medicare enrollment or managing my parents bills or visiting so I could have a break, but they never followed through. Yes, I signed up to help my parents, but I did not sign up to become a prisoner in my parent's home having to stay alert around the clock for over a decade because they were both very high risk for falling. Just to go to to the store for groceries I had to rely on my Autistic sister, who was easily overwhelmed, to watch them. A doctor's appointment became a family outing. No one signs up for this.

To make matters worse, my remote siblings made a lot of assumptions about the care I was giving our parents, and it was never good enough-- even though they were rarely within a thousand miles of our home and even though the career I forfeited was an extensively trained professional in the senior care industry. So, yes, I do resent two of my siblings and, yes, the care of our parents has created hard feelings in the family. My Autistic sister and brother are furious with my two remote sisters and think they have been downright abusive. I have come to accept, and it was very painful, that I cannot change people. I have also come to accept that I have to have realistic expectations of family members. What keeps me going forward is that I know I tried my best, I honored my parents, and Mom thanks me everyday.

I totally agree with needhelpwithmom . Sometimes we put it all on ourselves and we need to take a step back. My sister, was in the ER yesterday on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She just refused to stop worrying and take time for herself. So now, Dad just passed away, mom has dementia and sister has lost it. Take care of yourself first. You'll sleep well knowing you did all you could, who knows how your siblings sleep. Good luck to you.

I wonder about this as a tactic. Instead of waiting for these siblings to step up and help, just go ahead and schedule them. Maybe once or twice a month, you can 'schedule' them for whatever works for you and your parent, whether it's going out to lunch, taking them for a haircut or just a ride, or coming over to make a meal.

Since they are not stepping up, maybe you can decide what you need help with the most and schedule those as appointments. You can be clever or funny if that works for you; you can send an e-vite to TIME WITH MOM/DAD.

Proactive sometimes gets the job done, and it just might work. What have you got to lose?

Don't resent what your siblings don't do for your mom. Just walk in grace knowing that you did all you could do.

You will feel much better.

You know, you may feel the way I did. I thought I had to FIX everything! I honestly felt like I had to do it all. Sometimes there wasn’t anyone else who could or would care but me.

I am grateful to the posters on the forum that make suggestions of letting go of some of the burdens that we place upon ourselves and suggest a break even if we occasionally have to pay for it.

I wish that I would have been able to see that I did not have to do everything all of the time. I nearly killed myself in the process.

Plus when you think about it, the more we do, the more people expect us to do.

I was blind in so many ways! I really was. I became despondent and simply couldn’t see my situation clearly. Sad but true.

Resentment is a pit that’s so easy to fall into, I could really go there with my siblings, and have a few times. The most recent was in the last weeks of our dad’s life when one of them really showed his truly awful self. But I have really found that filling myself with resentment is much like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It eats you up and they go on with life as usual completely unaware and unchanged. I’ve never seen the movie Frozen, and am very likely using the song from it totally out of context, but I’ve often sung under my breathe “let it go, let it go, let it go.......” We can’t demand others to change or do what they aren’t willing to do, we can only change and protect ourselves. Wishing you the best as you strive to let it go and heal

If your sister is taking your mom when you ask is it possible to ask for the help that would feel more helpful to you?

If your mom can give you a to do list you should give her a list of agencies that can come be her step and fetch girl.

I know how much it hurts to try and do the right thing only to be taken advantage of. You have every right to say no and you have every right to insist that your mom hire an aide with her money. Maybe she needs to hire a housekeeper to come in twice a month and clean your entire house, that way you can go have some fun while your sister is entertaining your mom.

I have found that you have to stand up for yourself or people will use you as a doormat without hesitation.

You can do this! Great big warm hug filled with strength to you!

I think resentment could be my middle name right now.

I don't know if there is any way to effectively "deal with" the feelings. Certainly, having people "remind" you that you made the choice to keep your LO home in your care does really nothing to help those feelings, however true the situation might be. Had I know then what I know now, yes, 2 years ago when my mom began to decline, I would have looked aggressively to place her in a facility. But this decline is like black mold in your house - it starts small and then, insidiously creeps up until it's a full scale infestation. By the time you realize how bad it's gotten, you are left playing catch-up; and then to add insult to injury you have siblings on the periphery who are every much the children of your mother as you are, but do not one thing to assist. Not one thing. Small wonder resentment grows like a weed.

How you deal with it really depends on what sort of relationship you will want to have with your sibs after mom is gone. If you feel once she's passed that you don't care if you ever see them again, then by all means, verbally blast away. Just don't make that decision in a fit of anger, frustration or exhaustion. If you think you might want to have a relationship going forward after, then let them know, somewhat less confrontational, that you're sick of it, exhausted and need some help.

Then - I assume you have access to your mom's funds to use for her care? If so, USE HER FUNDS TO PAY FOR RESPITE CARE so YOU CAN GET A BREAK! If your siblings balk at this, because respite care is pricey (unless your mom has an LTC policy) tell them their choice is mom pays or you drop her on their doorstep when it's convenient for YOU to get a break from this dumpster fire. And then take a well earned, well needed, well deserved vacation somewhere. Maybe a place where they serve you adult beverages with little umbrellas in them.

Your siblings have no obligation to provide and help or care.

You decided to bring your mother to your home and retire early.

What are you looking for your siblings to do? Have you expressed what you need or just said "I could use a little help". Sometimes people need someone to specifically say what it is they need ... take mom to the doctor, take her for the weekend to give you a break, help with paperwork....

Whether it is helpful to hear or not, you can't make choices for others, only yourself. Even if you felt you had no other choice, you did. You are thinking with your heart (nothing wrong with that) but those who answer you on this board are thinking with their head and they may see things clearer from their point of view than you are.

Open up with your siblings and tell them EXACTLY what you need. Expecting them to 'just know' is unrealistic. And if they refuse and feel mom should be back in assisted living, accept that and move on. You can't force them to make the same choices you did. Once you accept that hopefully some of the resentment with subside.

I expected family members to pitch in and completely understand your resentment. It is a lot of work to care for an elderly parent and what you are experiencing is the reality of making the decision to do the right thing. Sounds like your siblings are not supportive of your decision by their actions, or lack of being active in the care of your mother. You are the decision maker and also the main caregiver. Don't second guess your decision, just adjust your expectation.

Maybe ask your siblings to help make decisions on the scope of care now needed. Finding help from other than family with any part of caregiving can help ease the resentment which comes from expectation. Best of luck.

Hi,

I understand how you feel. All of our circumstances are different so I am not comparing our situations.

I was the primary caregiver too. I cared for my dad, mom and a brother. I missed out on a lot of things because I spent so much time caring for them.

No one else had a desire or interest to do so. They never helped me. Like you, of course I knew that I made the choice to do so because I truly cared about them. I felt like I had to show with my actions that I cared. I had no idea what I was getting into. I promised my father on his death bed that I would care for mom.

My parents did not care for their parents. My grandpa died in the hospital and grandma died while visiting my parents at their house. My dad’s parents were dead before I was born. So I had no frame of reference. It’s very hard being a caregiver.

Mom lived in my home for 15 years. She had Parkinson’s disease. She lost her home in Hurricane Katrina. She was far too old to rebuild her home.

She did not have flood insurance because in her neighborhood it wasn’t required. Their home never flooded in a hurricane before. The levee broke and that is how she ended up with nine feet of water in her home. There was a wait period for FEMA trailers.

New Orleans looked like a war zone with all the destruction in the city. All of her neighbors had moved away. I couldn’t leave her there. I couldn’t have immediately placed her in a facility and I wanted to comfort her. All she had left were the few clothes that we packed for our evacuation.

It is not helpful to hear someone remind us about it being our choice because just there are extenuating circumstances and our emotions get the best of us at times.

Plus, we were doing what we felt was best at the time. It’s tough. So, I totally get it.

People state facts and I don’t believe that they mean it to come off as insensitive.

Personally, as someone who walked in your shoes and heard it too I think it would be more useful to initially just show understanding of the situation at hand.

Save expressing the facts for later and show more empathy in the beginning.

I do not like to tell someone new on the forum these things because I remember feeling just as you do.

I am not trying to be critical about anyone, just saying how it feels on our side. They have a right to feel as they do as well.

Maybe it is hard to understand what primary caregivers experience if they have not had first hand knowledge of the emotional, practical and physical side of it. I had no clue about caregiving until I did it myself.

I guess I sort of feel being told that we chose our circumstances is like hearing, “I told you so.” Is the person saying it for themselves or the person who needs the help? That statement doesn’t usually help either.

Anyway, being overwhelmed, exhausted, sometimes not knowing what are the best options as far as care goes adds to the misery.

I was suffering from all of this, plus from isolation and my siblings would stop in for their 15 minute visit to see mom and all I heard was about all of the fun things in their lives, it is horribly insensitive to do that. I never heard them say, ‘Thank you for taking care of mom.’ That would have meant so much to me.

Then to top it off I had to hear my mom say how wonderful it was that my siblings were having so much fun.

Please, that is setting the caregiver up for resentment! Oh, I cooked all of the holiday meals for my entire family. I put a stop to that later. It gets to be too much all around.

Well guess what? I burned out. Now my mom is with my brother and he complains to my nephew. His son says to his father, “Dad, I guess now you know how your sister felt.” My brother called in hospice to help.

My mom will go along with anything my brother says because she has an old fashioned sexist attitude that a man is the ‘head of the home.” She treated me like I was still her little girl. That makes a big difference too.

Vent away!

Did the doctor prescribe any antidepressants for your mom? That might change her "giving up" state of mind. Is the resentment from previous interactions of the past or just from their absence of helping with your mom? That would help with responses.

It can be frustrating when everything falls on our lap.
For me, I have a sister with a disability, who lives in a group home. And a couple siblings on the other side of the country. So it's up to me.
What helps me not be resentful, is understanding. Like the ones far away can't do much hands on. Just call and occupy a bit. And the other sister has her own issues.

Does your mom have caregivers helping?
Wish you all the best

My sister cooks cakes & sends cat videos.

The resentment started growing like a fungus - dank & stinking. I didn't want it but had no tools to remove it. Therapy helped (athough these is still a small patch).

You did what you felt was right & sacrificed things to give your Mother quality family time. It would be nice if you were thanked!! So I will. 😍 Thankyou for being a loving daughter/son taking action in a crises, being brave in the face of the unknown & offering your home & heart. Be proud of yourself!

If your mother was happy, comfortable, well cared for and safe in her AL, would it be the best thing for her to go back to that setting as soon as she can?
My LO couldn’t leave her AL, and got Covid at the end of March. She survived it, at 92, we are now able to enjoy outside visits with her.
I knew she was potentially MUCH SAFER and much more comfortable where she was, so I sacrificed my chance to be with her when she died.
Your siblings have indicated that the don’t want to help you care for your mother. There is really no way for you to change their minds.
If you resent them, perhaps you should re-examine the decisions that you’ve made on her behalf.

I am sorry that you feel so much resentment towards your Mom and your siblings. Unfortunately YOU are the one who CHOSE to retire and YOU are the one who CHOSE to bring your Mom into your house even though you knew how negative you felt against her.

I think that you need to find a counselor or therapist who can help you work through your feelings because they are so deeply seated and chatting with a group of caregivers is not going to be enough to help you get rid of or decrease the resentment that you are feeling.

My Dad did all of the caregiving of his Mom and his sister rarely did any caregiving. She took their Mom for rides and shopping and to restaurants and that was it. Dad knew what his Sister would or would not do and accepted it. He knew that he could not change his Sister and he did not try to change her.

Your mother is 95 so I have to ask, how old are you and your sisters? Safe to say you are all senior citizens yourself? You should not feel anger and resentment toward your siblings. You chose to bring your mother home from a facility & care for her yourself. That was your choice. That was your right. They have chosen not help. That’s is their right. You shouldn’t be angry because they made a difference choice. If your mother now requires a village to take care of her, you can’t force your siblings to be part of that village.

Beatlefan,
You wrote several paragraphs on your Profile page which are helpful. However, it would be more helpful if you would please rewrite what you wrote on your Profile page under "About Me" on this page so that we do not have to go to your Profile page every time we want to read about your situation. Thank you.

You cannot change other people.