My mom is 87 and is under the care of a temporary guardian. The past year my mom has accused me of stealing many things from her house. She actually hired a lawyer (under the influence of my sister) and has threatened to sue me. This guardian now is asking me if I would be willing to take a night shift to save my mother money. My wife and I were the primary care givers for 18 months until we couldn't take the accusations anymore. Now mom pays for the 24 hour care. Also the guardian has asked for help around the house - fixing things. When I come over there to fix things - mom gets upset that things in her house need to be fixed. Am I crazy for not wanting to go over to my mom's house alone or being put in this position of fixing things for her?
Quick and easy advice. Tell the Guardian you'll take a one night shift for every 6 he works. After all, the Guardian gets paid, you will not. I'll bet that puts a stop to that discussion with the Guardian. I am writing from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ, three yrs ago. I have instructed my DW and adult children, once it is time to institutionalize me, send me off 100mi from where we live, so it will be inconvenient for them to visit, easy to get on with meeting responsibilities to their own families, and allow my DW to get on with her life. Good luck, wishing you well. Your responsibility is to your spouse and children.
Just remember her brain is breaking. Literally. If a small child accused you of such things You'd understand they don't understand because their brain has not developed to the point of fully comprehending what they have accused you of. Its simply the reverse for Mom. Moms logic and reasoning part of her brain are broke.
Kinda grasp the "Ok, whatever" attitude when dealing with these situations and it hopefully will make it a bit easier.
Your sanity is safe. You didn't sign up for all of this. It was somewhat dropped on you and you do your best.
Hugs for you and your family.
Oh and what's this with so much for in home care? That's what's crazy! Check into Getting her into a memory care home! Best thing we ever did for Dad. She might not like it but ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
anymore. She straightened up. I loved my mom, she is deceased now. but I was going to allow her to physically and mentally destroy me. You need to do the same
I am sorry for what you are going thru but stop. She has no right to ruin your well being.
I can completely relate to your current problem with your mother falsely accusing you of taking things and doing things that you are totally guiltless of doing. My mother did the same thing to me. (She accused me of taking $50K, signing papers to put her in a nursing home, taking important papers and letters, sending letters to her attorney, her banker and her investment advisor telling them not to talk to her anymore! And, much much more apparently.). The trouble for you is that if she begins telling other people “lies” (my mother’s Parish priest said that they really aren’t lies and that he had seen it a lot with older people) then the others such as siblings, etc. might call attorneys and “crucify” you for things you would never think of doing much less do. (This happened to myself and another sister -beginning three years ago - who were the primary caregivers and Co Trustees for our parents when our three younger siblings took some very vicious and evil action against us through attorneys. I can assure you that it has been pure hell and many good relationships have been lost due to their slander of us.). I seriously caution you to consider anything that you do for your mother anymore - although it makes you feel guilty - because where one is willing to cause you hurt or injury, he/she definitely will seize the opportunity an take advantage of your mother’s poor mental health. CLEARLY, your mother is sadly suffering from the onset of either dementia or Alzheimer’s. Sometimes they seem to be lucid yet other times they are totally in another world and do hallucinate, are delusional and have high anxiety. If you have not already had your mother seen by her personal physician for an analysis and for assessment by a geriatric doctor then do so. (My mother decided in her own unclear mind to get rid of all her doctors although her longtime MDVP did declare that she was “unable to handle her personal and business affairs” after a few examinations.). I wish you the best and will say some prayers for you, but if your gut tells you to take caution then listen! (I didn’t listen and kept going and helping my mother everyday because I never dreamed that my siblings would “murder” my character as they have done. I have been sued by my two younger sisters and sued by my brother as well. It’s been devastating.)
Again, best to you! Blessings!
I’m assuming that your mom has some form of dementia. Accusations are common because they don’t have the ability to process information as before and their perception is distorted. There would be no way she could get you in trouble “in the long run” but you might have to “prove” to Adult Protective Services (like I had to) that you are NOT harming her.
(If she doesn’t have dementia-stay away! She’s just being mean. You may have to have legal representation to prove your innocence.)
Personally, I wouldn’t relieve the caregiver. Things aren’t going well and it’s best to protect yourself. Maybe hire another caregiver. Doesn’t sound like she’d go for a facility at this point.
This was the hardest time for me in mom’s dementia. Things will change as her disease progresses but, for now, I know how hard it is. Don’t take what she says personally. Even though she seems mostly normal, there are profound changes in her brain. She can’t help her behavior. It’s not directed at you.
(((Big hugs))) and do what you need to do to keep healthy.
It's not crazy to not want to put yourself in a place where your efforts are unsettling, or stress producing. But maybe there is a solution here, which would eliminate you having to be there when she is. Can she go for an hour or more, to a senior center, where services are offered by the hour? Does she have medical appointments to which you don't take her? Maybe you can be there when she is out.
Remember, the guardian is working for your mother and for you. You are in charge, I hope. If the guardian is in charge of her finances, maybe the concern is the limit in hiring some of the repairs done. See if you and the guardian can come to better communication.
Best wishes. It's not fun to try to care for a parent who is unaware of the effort we make to give them a quality of life they wouldn't have without us.
Hopefully, Mom has the resources to be able to consider Memory Care or whatever, but, even if she doesn't, and your sister concurs, then let your sister handle the matter. Hiring a lawyer in this instance, given your Mom's mental condition, in my mind, would be a wash.
Hang in there and be sure to consult a lawyer familiar with these kinds of situations.
’s answer is good.