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I feel you did the right thing. Your significant other should have been there for you! You needed support and they bailed. My sister had MS and her significant other was with her literally until the day she died (50 years). Thirteen years is like being married, a commitment for better or worse. You should have no regrets for taking care of your mom. I lost my mom two and a half years ago and took care of her and worked full time. I miss her dearly but have no regrets. Hugs~Judy
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Well let's just be honest here - your SO does not bail when the going gets tough - unless the two of you had spoken about the situation and he let it be known he
needed more time with you - and then you didn't give it. It's a pretty tough call knowing you need to help your mother and the fact you need to live your life, but as caregivers what we all tend to forget is that there is help out there - there is respite care and overnight care and all sorts of other helpful ways of coping with an ill parent - you should not let it consume you.
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lynnm12 Nov 2018
Absolutely right-it's not that it was completely out of the blue-but was somewhat unexpected. If that makes sense. (I guess I'm still holding on to the text thing, which is useless to do). And I did allow myself to be consumed, and when I finally started to figure out there is a better way, it was too late for us. I know I have some responsibility in this too. I was so lost and overwhelmed, I was just kinda 'existing' so to speak. Trying to make sure my mom's need were met, I neglected everything else. Sadly.
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I saw a mirror image of how many relationships end badly, as a management consultant looking at ‘unfair dismissals’. Things go down hill for a long time, but the worker is sure they are right and writes the problems off as a ‘personality conflict’ with an 'unreasonable boss'. Then (out of the blue!?) they get the sack. They had no idea that their job was on the line, the boss can’t believe that they didn’t realise it. Eventually the law here was changed to require a clear warning before dismissal.

In a difficult caring arrangement, the SO’s final text message is the equivalent of the dismissal, and unfortunately it follows the same pattern of being ‘not really out of the blue’. As the carer, how can we open our eyes to the warning signs? And how can an SO have the courage to make it crystal clear that the relationship is on the line? We need this to happen before our hearts have hardened and the end is inevitable. It would save a lot of pain.
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I think some people won't like my answer but here it is. If someone develops Alzheimers or some other mental problem and all the associated problems and responsibilities that come with that, the caretaker MUST TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF OR HERSELF FIRST AND FOREMOST. You cannot "fix" these mental issues and in time the behavior will begin to destroy you and your life and you will stand to lose the most. Start thinking of yourself and if need be, put the person into a facility. Do not allow these people to destroy you. They are no longer the person who may have loved so much. Act now before it is too late.
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Have you heart of Ralph Smart? He is SO Fun and puts a whole new outlook on relationships.

You may not have lost a relationship by ANYthing you did. Showing love and compassion for others is actually attractive to genuine people.

It's possible your relationship was meant to end as someone more wonderful is meant to come into your life.

Google youtube Ralph Smart and watch the one you resonate to. Trust me. You will be SO uplifted. Do this for yourself! :)
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Hi, how are you doing? Hope you are feeling better every day.

I live with and take care of my 93yo mom who is just now exhibiting signs of “not so clear” mental functions and imho there is no room for a partner even if I sometimes feel quite isolated. My job is relatively easy compared to so many other caregivers on this forum.

My question is this: what would you have done differently? And how would you feel if your mom passed tomorrow in both scenarios??

My whole purpose in life for the last ten years is to “have no regrets” when my mom passes because I know I can never make up to her all the great and wonderful things she’s done for me once she’s gone.

Personally, I’m glad and prefer to be the one doing her day to day care, over family or hired help. Even though she sometimes resists me, I think that I have more compassion toward her, yet I can be more firm with her than anyone else.

How could I live with myself if I did not step up to the plate in her hour of need? And how much would my ex husband be hassling me about not putting him first? A lot, I’m certain of that.

(I wish I could keep these good thoughts at the front of my brain when I get frustrated with her and I’m going to attempt to do so AGAIN!)

You absolutely have been doing the right thing though you need to heed all the other advice to get some help in before it costs you your own health even more so her care won’t be interrupted if you have serious problems.

If you think your heart is broken now, you’re going to have a much bigger heartache when mom passes and caring for her is going to become much more intense before that happens.

It is better that what you thought was your so is not around to distract you from your main focus when it becomes really tough work.

Good luck to you or I should say “peace out” because you have got it all together and don’t need any luck.

Charlotte
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Clssyeyes Nov 2018
I couldn't say it better. We should start a group. Singles living their parents but missing a life. Lol
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Omg. Well first you sound like me. My mom has vascular dementia so it's a bit different. But yes that's how we were raised, you take care of your parents and neighbors.
I pretty much have very little social life and my family doesn't come down very often. So it's just me. The agencies are horrible and most aides can't do the job. But you were the right person to take care of her. You were chosen for that reason. If you need someone to talk to, you can contact me.
And btw if someone left you after that much time because you were taking care of your mother, you're better off without them. God gives you the people that you need. Don't worry I'm not a preacher. Every religion or evolved thinking says the same things if you look at it.
You're mother is proud of you. Start slow and get your life back. Jmo
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My now 83 year old mother in law has lived with us for a few years now and is well down the path with dementia. My wife is her only living child and her late sisters daughter quit having anything to do with her grandma, about the time she started showing signs of dementia.
My wife is also disabled and we have little to no "us time". It's rough on us and for a while I suspected that her mom was trying split us up. But we manage somehow and while my wife has said on several occasions that she wouldn't blame me if I just packed up and left, I'm not going anywhere. I love her too much to leave her in a mess like this. We've came to find that it works better if she deals with her mom and I do what she can't. Her mom and I used to get along pretty well, but since the dementia set in, she gets downright hateful to me.
But I'm not going anywhere. I love my wife and she needs my support more than ever to get through this. I don't understand how anyone could leave someone they say they love just because things got a little tough. That's when you really need each other.
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Cupofjoe34 Nov 2018
Thank you. It's reassuring when someone else has a similar situation and morals are intact as core as yours. My SO and I are the same way and honestly our entire relationship has been a challenge and some losses so devastating but we know we have each other's backs. I can't say that about his or my prior relationships. They would have left us to die for sure. Hence my point, the right person will pop up in your life and honestly I wouldn't be here still nor him if we didnt dibd each other. Life will always provide somehow if you let it. It's no cake walk but in the end I can say I'm whole. I have fulfilled my ability to provide and support others. But I just want to say I appreciate you. ❤jo
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Lynnm12, kudos to you for taking care of your mother. Like others, I have no concrete advice other than to move on without your 13-year SO. While we readers can't know your exact situation, you've gotten lots of insightful perspectives based on both individual experiences as well as assumptions about yours. I'm not sure if it's helpful or hurtful to know that there are SO's who don't abandon caregivers. My wife has assisted with my dad's care for many years and we both attend to our daughter's special needs. I know that my wife sometimes/often feels neglected, but she also recognizes the importance of family caregiving and she helps rather than abandons. That said, 24-7 caregiving roles, or even supporting roles, are not roles for which everyone is capable. And if your experience is like mine, you've found that even with additional caregivers in place, your role as the primary caregiver, decision-maker and responsible party remains almost daunting.  Dementia caregiving, especially, is typically a long, hard role that is definitely not for faint of heart caregivers or SOs, so maybe it is better that yours bailed sooner rather than later, hard as it may be for you, him and your mother. Still, I'm sorry for your loss and what struck me as particularly barbarous by your SO was his texting his goodbye -- but maybe that's a generational difference.

Just a side note about assumptions. As you noted, some readers assumed you were male based on your name (and perhaps on having two careers). With the exact same name, a lot of people have assumed that I'm female. Assumption shortcuts are often erroneous.
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lynnm12 Nov 2018
Yes, that does help actually. This situation was kinda thrown in my lap. She went for surgery and bam memory was just gone. Hasn't been home alone since that day. It was just me at that time and I did the best I could. Long story. My SO did the best, but I think our family values may not have been the same? I've kinda fell short, but dealt with it the best I could at the time. And it is daunting. I manage her $, bills, etc. So many decisions and you just want to do the right thing. So, thank you for your response. And assuming the male thing bec of two careers, if that's the case. LOL. I love what I do!
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lynnm12
I feel you are very lucky to be rid of someone who is so insensitive and such a coward that they would end a 13 year relationship by a text message!! This certainly isn't someone who would ever stand by you through all of the hard times that life continues to throw at us, unless of course it was happening to your SO, at which time they would probably expect for you to provide EXACTLY the dedication you are showing your mom! Good luck, and I hope you find a relationship with someone who is as caring as you!!
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lynnm12 Nov 2018
Thank you. And the text thing and just done may be even the most difficult part. But, it is what it is. Just have to go with it how it happened. And I'm hoping I would have the same dedication to another person also.
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Just a general response to everyone. Thank you for taking your time to help. I'm actually doing better. Received the text a while ago, but like I said texts and a few phone calls left me with some hope to work things out. Last weekend was the final straw, with the car stored here and the belongings here, photo albums and such, and that's done now.  I think I've accepted that some people make a life time commitment and some make a conditional one. And every person has to do what makes them happy, even tho it may hurt other people, acceptance is the key maybe. And the MOST important thing of all of this? Is that my little feisty, crafty, pain in the ass Mom is ok! And still running us in circles with no clue what she's even doing. Lol That's what really matters the most. And now that I have help with her, maybe we can all be ok!
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I once was walking across the street with someone I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. A car careened at high speed through the red light and the intersection we were crossing. He, in turn, dropped my hand and ran to safety. I was fast on my feet fortunately, so no harm, no foul, eh? Wrong, indeed. We're not often given the opportunity to unmask character before we've unfortunately committed to a dependence on someone with a striking lack of it. You've a brave and loving soul. He, sadly, lacks that attribute. I'm sorry for your pain, but this is the journey of the hero (or heroine), and it would appear that you're having to go it alone for awhile. There are men who match your love, empathy, and dedication to loved ones. Stay on your path and you'll connect in time with someone who deserves you.
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Bless you! He did you a favor, even if it broke your heart. Take care of yourself and your mother...find satisfaction in living as one. We are all special.
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STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP. YOU DID [ARE DOING] WHAT YOU THOUGHT BESTAND THAT IS OK. THE IMPORTANT THING NOW IS TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY THAT THE BUM LEFT WHILE YOU ARE STILL IN A POSITION TO HELP YOURSELF. YOU MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER GETTING SOME COUNSELLING, MAYBE TALK WITH LOCAL DEPT. OF AGING TO HELP FIND SOME ACTIVITIES, MAYBE JOIN A GROUP OF THOSE INSIMILAR SITUATIONS. GOOD LUCK
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MargaretMcKen Nov 2018
Please take your computer of Caps. It is very tedious to read. If you have trouble with the keyboard, please put it on lower case.
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