She is 94, and in addition to severe dementia (presumed to be Alzheimer's), she also has a lifelong underlying mental illness that we believe to be Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It has become exacerbated with age. I have some disabilities, but I've been her sole caregiver for several years. She is usually fairly clearheaded for a few hours in the mornings, but by late afternoon, she becomes completely delusional, unable to perceive logic or recognize reality. And whatever delusional idea she gets, she is adamantly committed to it, to the point of trying to leave the house, and violently attacking me when I have to stop her.
Tonight, she swung her walker at me (she's very strong when she's angry) and I grabbed it in mid-swing to keep from being hit -- and she lost her balance. I caught her and eased her down to the floor (I am no longer strong enough to hold her up), but she did scrape her elbow. Now she claims I knocked her down, and she's going to have me arrested. (She will almost certainly remember none of this in the morning, thank goodness.)
This is the first time she's gotten hurt during an attack, and I'm worried that I may no longer be able to keep her safe. I'm also worried that the crushing pressure and anxiety and desperation of all this is going to end me. At what point do you give up and do what your mother has told you all your life you must NEVER do, "Don't you EVER put me in a home, I'll kill myself," ever since I was about eight years old. I'm trying so hard to fulfill the promise I made, because I think her few lucid hours a day would probably be lost if she were among strangers. But I don't know how long I can continue before I break, physically or mentally or both. How do you know when it's time to give up? I don't want to be selfish. I want to do the right thing for her.
Almost a year ago, I was in your shoes. In early August, I wrote this ... " I can't stand her right now. This is sucking the joy our of me. I cant do this any more. I want to be the good guy, not the the bad guy. I'm always the evil bitch instead of the person she's happy to see."
She went on hospice, which helped a lot. I could call them when I was at my wits end and they would come. My sister came to help me. She passed away on August 21st a year ago.
Let me tell you what I wish I had done instead of trying to keep her home to the end.
If she had gone into a memory care nursing home before she got really bad, I could have been with her most of the day and bring her prizes and be the good guy. We both would have been happier. IF you can be a daily presence, she will not only get better care, but you'd be involved in that care and be able to keep an eye out for problems. Don't wait until you get to crisis. Don't call the police. If you are in crisis, call an Ambulance and go to the ER. Tell them you want to be discharged to a memory care facility, not a behavior hospital or mental ward! Stay with her during the hospital process, they'll likely keep her a day or two.
Downplay (but don't omit) the violence aspect. Most facilities won't accept someone labeled as violent. Mom is confused and afraid. She's near the end of her life. Let someone else be the "bad guy," arrive after she's finished with her morning routine, and be the loving daughter she wants. Her attitude will likely change for the better and so will yours.
Make sure to leave the room frequently and come back. This will give her the comfort of knowing that you always come back, even if on a subconscious level.
GET HELP!
Much love and utmost respect to you.
Susan
To protect yourself, you need to be sure that neighbors or other family members have witnessed or aware of the anger and lashing out. If she did decide to call 911 the police will come. If she happened to be on her game when they arrived and she had the bruises, she could be very convincing to them. (I've seen someone be in a blind rage, talking about something that never happened, call the police and be able to name the president, the year, and other things she wouldn't be able to recall for the past year...blew my mind!!!) Perhaps ask the doctor to give you some sort of written diagnosis that will include becoming physical at times - just to protect yourself.
If the altercations continue or become more frequent, it may require more meds to keep her calm and it may also require a facility. I totally understand about keeping your promise, but there may come a time when your mom is no longer in there. You will know when it's time.
No matter what you do. There are always the 'IF' I would have done this or that.
Eventually, we have to face the person we love may have changed & we no longer can continue a safe & healthy relationship.
How are you doing?
What's going on?
There won't be any problem getting Mom approved for a facility... I've actually had to fight to keep her OUT of one, many times over the years. I hope it doesn't have to be memory care, but I fear it might.
I know....my mom was narcissistic and had Alzheimer’s. I thought I was going to loose my mind when she was in stage 5! It was horrible. I felt like I was going crazy. Some of my hair fell out and I would shake when I had to deal with her. I tried a psychiatrist with meds but felt like a zombie. That lasted 3 days. I asked God to help me and slowly I got a grip on the situation.
Sleepless, before you collapse, please check out the memory care facilities in your area. I fought it too...and lost!! It sometimes is beyond human endurance to be a 24/7 caregiver. Your mom only has a few years left. You, on the other hand, have 2-3 decades left. Don’t ruin your physical and mental health by caregiving your mom. You have not failed because you HAD to place her. You CAN’T be held to a promise to not place her when your health and safety are at stake. Who will take care of her if you collapse?
Life was much better after my mom was admitted to Memory Care. She attacked me the first visit but they got her meds under control and she calmed down and settled in.
If you have a partner and or children you owe it to them to stay well, so they can enjoy you for the next 20-30 years.
Last tip-Read your post as if I wrote it. What would you suggest “I” do? You have your answer. I needed “permission” to put her in the facility, so I wouldn’t look and feel badly.
You have that now. Now, for her safety and yours, she needs to go.
May God help you on your journey with her. Come back here often to get ideas and vent. We’ve all been there. Until she’s safely in a facility, take extra care of yourself. Get outside help for a few hours a day, if possible.
Blessings to you.
Is she safe ? Yes, she is and the staff is wonderful. It is costing us for her to be there (sold our family farm) but she needs the help and she is our mother.
I can hardly talk to her on the phone, it is so very sad and visits are excruciating because she melts down when we leave. It seems so fruitless because she is so deep in her misery and confusion.
you have done your share. It is now time to let professionals take your place and give your mom the best care possible. You have not failed. They push us to a point and make us give false promises. If the show were on the other foot she would have you placed in a facility that could handle the out bursts and swing of dementia.
Please seek help from doctor or council on aging. Get her into a dementia/ Alzheimer’s facility before she hurts you more.
Because of the toxic relationship we have always had, this has taken its toll on me and I am treating for Non Hodgkin’s lymphoma for the second time in 2 yrs. My mother is in hospice, but she is not anywhere near death. The hospice people know about my cancer and are doing their best to help my mother.
I will say this: If my mother gets worse, I will NOT hesitate to put her into out hospice facility close by. I cannot help her if she gets worse with her congestive heart failure. She has moments where she seems disoriented, but she comes back. We came close to her accusing me of messing with the dials on her washing machine the other day, and I stood my ground asking her why would I do such a thing!?? My husband was there when we were discussing things - because I needed him as my witness so she couldn’t say I was threatening. Do you see the problem with them when they go off on their narcissistic tangents? My mother could say I am brow-beating her and this would not be the case.
Since then, she has asked me to come and sit with her, but I have not gone to see her. Hospice has been there and I am concentrating on getting myself healed from this cancer. Please don’t hesitate to do what needs to be done with her - for your own health and sanity. She certainly wouldn’t be so kind to you!
You will fall fall deeper into the black hole of her narcissism and I understand your “conditioning” from a life-time of dealing with a narcissist. She will only get worse. But your question to the group tells me that you understand that perhaps it’s time to call it a day and get on with your life. I send you hugs for courage and strength.