I have read about how bad this is. And against the law. But I'm upstairs with her down the hall. I just started locking her in. A slide lock from the outside on top. She doesn't know it's there. From 12 to 8 . This is nessasary because My mom may fall down our stairs is a big concern its 16 steps. And she will go in the kitchen try to cook and turn on the gas. She cuts the gas on all the time. Gas fumes all over. We took knobs off and she will still turn them on especially in the winter to keep warm. She takes good roast out and steaks any food she sees in freezer she will try to cook. My son came in the kitchen the smoke alarm went off she was sitting at the table with smoke all around while some food she put in the oven was burning. She is up at night will go downstairs looking for food 2:00 in the morning. Take food out leave it on table mix strange things together. I'm tired of not sleeping and worries about gas blowing up and her safety. When I do sleep I'm exhausted I may not hear her or know what she is doing. AND also her urine incontinence is awful all over the house. Nothing I can do she hates adult pull ups. She won't listen to me. I take care of my mom by myself. No help. My son is off on Tues and watches her sometimes a couple of hours while I run errands. She does everything she pulls off all her covers on her bed to the mattress everyday. I cannot understand why. Her mind is so bad and I can hardly handle her. My family does not like convelasant homes I can't put her there. When she is trying to open the door about 2:30 in the morning it unnerves me. It's a nitemare. But after a few minutes she goes back to bed. What else can I do???? Even my aunt who is her sister and a nurse told me for her safety and mine lock her in till morning. Yes it's drastic but I have peace of mind for a little while. All of this is slowly killing me. Sometimes I think I could die from so much stress.
If you cannot place her in a nursing home, I would recommend using gates, baby monitors and back zip pajamas. All of these can be found for purchase online. I also recommend hiring someone to give you some respite if you can afford it. If not, call on your family members to take their turn.
I wish you the best!
Best of luck
Where are they when you need help?
Tell them to mind their own business and place your mom for her safety and yours.
Find a place and take her without telling anyone, if they say anything ask them where were you when I needed help.
Contact DHS about help with finances and placement. There should be no guilt on your part, you have to do this for your mother’s safety.
You mentioned that your family doesn’t believe in nursing homes, what are your thoughts on them? It seems that you are the one caring for her and it’s led you to locking her in her room at night. It maybe a temporary one, but for her sake, it shouldn’t be a permanent one.
When we are caring for a loved one with dementia, they need 24 hour care for their safety. If she is hungry or needs to go to the restroom, there needs to be someone to readily assist her. I fear her being locked in her room could lead to trauma for the both of you.
Consider hiring or asking your family to cover the night shift so that you may rest. You can’t take care of others unless you are taking care of yourself first.
Whenever a loved one is moved to a nursing home, it is wise to plan daily visits from friends and family and even consider to hire someone to come by for visits regularly. I have found that this makes staff stay on top of things. Also, having a daily journal available for to write down any concerns they may have regarding her care. When you come to see her, you will know if there are any issues that need to be addressed.
We have to think what is best for your mom. Family will not always agree. If you have the legal control over your mom’s care, then you give her the best care possible, whether it’s in the home or a nursing facility.
We have my MIL (94) that wanders at night, and fell down the stairs, but luckily we only have 4 of them, and she fell on the last one, so she wasn't hurt, but after that we put up a baby gate so that she can't get to the stairs, but can still get around and go to the loo etc, it has really worked so well for us and she has no idea know how easy it is to open. Are you not able to put up something like this, or even a full size gate, to allow her some freedom, but prevent her from accessing the stairs?
It sounds like you need to get her in a nursing home. If your family does not like it--too bad..then let them care for her, and I would tell them so. Her safety is the main concern. Those stairs are completely unacceptable, because even with the best precautions, accidents do happen. They become obsessed with locks and will find a way out. What is going to stop her from escaping out of the window? You can't leave her by herself, and you cannot lock her in her room. She requires 24 hour supervision. Call the county about elder services to get placement started if you won't do the hospital placement thing.
My mom used to do the same thing, but I have a single story home, got alarms when she gets up including fall mats (most falls happen getting out of bed), and every single electrical appliance got disabled; even the stove unplugged. I stay with her 24-7. FIVE YEARS later..she recently became bed ridden, is kept alive with a feeding tube. I'm so used to the caregiver role I do not know or understand how to live my own life without it being centered around mom, so when she dies I will truly be a basket case and emotionally destroyed. You see mom had symptomatic Alzheimer's for 10 years now. The last five years, she started acting like you are describing (wandering and trying to escape the house). Just a few weeks ago she completely stopped eating and drinking so I got a feeding tube put in..and she forgot how to get up and now she is bedridden. But she will be 90 years old next week.
I do not regret taking care of mom, but I literally sacrificed my life for her. So please do not lock her in her room.
From all you describe, you haven't got much of a choice.
Your mother AND you, need to have her placed in a memory care facility.
Contact senior social services in your area, or if a need for her to be hospitalized arises, tell them you can no longer care for her, and you will not be taking her home.
She will be safer and happier. You will be safer and happier.
There is no shame in knowing you have hit your ceiling and simply cannot be a caregiver!
You will not be deserting her, or dumping her on someone else....you will be choosing to do what is best for her. You wouldn't perform a surgical procedure on her, knowing you're not qualified.
This is not failure on your part; this is you doing what is the right thing FOR your mom.
Have the professionals care for her...THAT is what the right thing, in this case, looks like.
You can then return to being her daughter. You can oversee her care from a far better vantage point than from where you're at now.
Keep reading here...they’ll keep ya alive Misseverything!
💜
Hey - it’s not a crime to admit that caring for a wandering, demented elderly loved one is more than you can do. There’s no shame or blame in it. It’s frickin’ hard!
However, it is a crime to lock someone in a room for eight hours. In this case it would be considered Elder Abuse and you would be arrested. Depending on your area there is a possibility the media would catch wind of the situation and your mugshot and charges would be featured on the local news and in the local newspaper - along with their on-line editions. On a slow news day neighboring states could pick up the story as well. I see stories like yours a couple of times a year, sadly. So, there will be lots of shame and blame once you are “caught”.
Look, I’m not unsympathetic to your situation. I have a mobile 6’2”, 170 lb., 26 yr old man - with the mental capacity of a two yr old living in my home. I’ve been there - through much of what you’re describing. Luckily, certain ticks and phases pass with him - however, often reappearing in time. Right now I’ve got the knobs back on my stove and the door alarm on his bedroom door hasn’t gone off at night in a month or so. My latest problem is him locking the sliding glass door behind me when I take the garbage out or get the mail, etc...
I do understand.
But all that still doesn't make what you’re doing okay. It just not a good idea. Frankly, I find it so disturbing I haven’t been able to sleep since I read your post.
Pleeese - let go of this nonsense that your mother can’t be put into a care facility! It would be the best, safest and most appropriate and most humane option for your mother. AND, FOR YOU!!!
In another store a fire was set in the clothing department. alarms went of and those that had sense started to exit the store like a christmas sale was in the parking lot.
Imagine you in that situation and only one of the front exits was available. The next marked exit was waaay back there. You need to get out in a hurry. Your life depends on it.
Luz would have just looked at me would not know what to do even if was pulling and urging her to run.
The fire marshal told there are many doors in the front of the store. Which are for different venues in the from. Things like the pharmacy, the optometrist, etc. Those businesses would be locked after a certain hour. You ain't getting out through an unidentified door.
One crazy shooter or explosive device would be enough to kill or injure. Courtesy will be long gone if panic sets in.
worriedincal, I will agree that Mom may need more help than the OP can currently provide. However she sounded like she wanted to keep her at home. I was answering her question on that line.
I wanted to keep Luz at home with me as well and I did everything I could to do that. Alarms, locks, lights, platforms, sleeping on the couch near her sleeping on the love seat. I even slept on the floor when slept in the tv area when she could not get to or into the bed.
I did all of that and more when required. I was tired and worn out but I had her with me. I would do it all over again for her to this day.
I have noted on here that care giving like mentioned here is 27 hours a day and 8 days a week. I felt like that and still believe it.
Near the end I was looking to buying sleeping cot because Luz would get down on the floor to sleep like I would. And then have trouble getting up.
It was only when I started experiencing pain in my legs and back that I thought more actively of placing her in a SNF. I hated that idea and told her so. But it was becoming clear to me that I must do this thing. I think she understood.
I hope I have explained my point of view in lending my opinion on things the OP can look into to keep Mom at home.
You are correct, you have answered the OP's questions from the perspective of doing everything possible to keep a loved one at home. Many of us here do not have the capacity to do so and give advice from our point of view.
Luz was blessed to have such a loving husband.
Waking up because you're just down the hall? What, at three in the morning when you're severely sleep-deprived? Not a chance; and besides if the idea is that you wake up when you're needed, why not put an alarm on the door instead? And apart from the obvious physical and environmental risks of leaving mother locked in her room alone and crashing around, what about the additional fear and confusion caused to a woman who is already fearful and confused? Being confined in a room you want to leave, and probably not understanding that it's been locked from the outside, could be terrifying for her.
Securing external doors at night is fine - the parallel would be doors with key codes in memory care units. Locking the *kitchen* door to prevent access would be fine (although if the OP's house is open plan obviously that idea wouldn't help). The falls risk on the stairs could also be addressed - not a child-proof stairgate, because, holy Heaven, mother would probably try to climb over it, but there will be other barriers designed for adults' safety. It's the kind of situation that an occupational therapist would love to get her teeth into.
But in any case the main point is that it is simply not possible for one individual, no matter how dedicated and loving, to meet the needs of an able-bodied person with dementia during this phase. The OP must get help - not because an over-zealous APS might decide to make an example of her, but because she and her mother desperately need help.
Defences are stated to include “You acted in good faith – your restraint was caused by reasonable belief that the alleged victim could endanger him/herself or others” and /or “The victim’s presence was voluntary – you did nothing to force the victim to stay and they were not being held against their will.” I'm quoting from the legal firm posting on Google regarding the Code and its meaning.
You should of course explain it to mother, but you would anyway. I’m sticking to my comments - if you are just down the hall, on the spot for any emergency, and waking up if you hear something bad, I would have serious doubts about ‘illegal’, and even more doubts about a successful prosecution. I'm startled by Worried's implication that locking the front door overnight might be illegal. Don't worry quite so much - the police support locking the door!
lets put it this way. If you lock your minor child in a room, you will be arrested. For child abuse and false imprisonment. You can’t do that here. It’s no different when it comes to an adult with dementia or Alzheimer’s. If someone calls the cops, they are gonna arrest you for elder abuse and false imprisonment. I sympathize with the OP but her mom has rights and she needs to be very very careful when it comes to “confining” her in any way.
However I quite agree that this isn’t the best option for her, or for you. For now, I’d keep locking the door, if it works for both of you. If someone does come to investigate, it may be exactly what you need to convince yourself and the family that she would be better off somewhere that can provide 24 hour care.
Hugs! May God guide you.
When we need dental care, we go to a dentist.
When we have an emergency, we call 911
But when a parent needs 24/7 care and supervision, then ONE child (usually a daughter) has to do it all, and some people will shame her if she complains and wants respite or a life of her own.