I have read about how bad this is. And against the law. But I'm upstairs with her down the hall. I just started locking her in. A slide lock from the outside on top. She doesn't know it's there. From 12 to 8 . This is nessasary because My mom may fall down our stairs is a big concern its 16 steps. And she will go in the kitchen try to cook and turn on the gas. She cuts the gas on all the time. Gas fumes all over. We took knobs off and she will still turn them on especially in the winter to keep warm. She takes good roast out and steaks any food she sees in freezer she will try to cook. My son came in the kitchen the smoke alarm went off she was sitting at the table with smoke all around while some food she put in the oven was burning. She is up at night will go downstairs looking for food 2:00 in the morning. Take food out leave it on table mix strange things together. I'm tired of not sleeping and worries about gas blowing up and her safety. When I do sleep I'm exhausted I may not hear her or know what she is doing. AND also her urine incontinence is awful all over the house. Nothing I can do she hates adult pull ups. She won't listen to me. I take care of my mom by myself. No help. My son is off on Tues and watches her sometimes a couple of hours while I run errands. She does everything she pulls off all her covers on her bed to the mattress everyday. I cannot understand why. Her mind is so bad and I can hardly handle her. My family does not like convelasant homes I can't put her there. When she is trying to open the door about 2:30 in the morning it unnerves me. It's a nitemare. But after a few minutes she goes back to bed. What else can I do???? Even my aunt who is her sister and a nurse told me for her safety and mine lock her in till morning. Yes it's drastic but I have peace of mind for a little while. All of this is slowly killing me. Sometimes I think I could die from so much stress.
Be realistic people. Some of our loved ones are more challenging than others. None of us can keep going 24/7. Sometimes we can't even think.
I'd rather see you locking your Mom in her room than let her wander out to the hallway and fall down the stairs. That would be a real tragedy. My Dad fractured a rib falling on one step, can't imagine falling from sixteen.
The choice to keep your Mom at your home is yours however you need help. Reach out to the Alzheimer's Association. The have volunteers that will watch her for an hour or two so you can rest. Some doctor's have caseworkers who also may have volunteers. AARP, United Way, keep searching. Ask around, you may b able to find someone who already works but needs a few hrs taking care of someone. Companions are cheaper than providers.
Put a shut off valve on your stove and a lock on the fridge. Hide the knives. Add child locks on the cabinets and keep things out of reach. Buy those garter like straps for the sheets, they do help. My Dad had the same issue with bed sheets.
Do all you can to keep her safe. Keep insisting that she wear the pull ups. It took a while for my Dad to give in.
I know you're tired and no one can blame you when you can't care for her anymore. Our parents are aging but so are we. They need to walk in your shoes.
Your Mom is lucky to have you but we all get to a point when one person (caregiver) just isn't enough anymore.
FYI- I have both parents at home. Both have been challenging in their own way.
You are not alone! Prayers and Love.
I had lunch with a wonderful caring work college the other day & we were discussing our aging parents. She declared she would NEVER put her Mum in a nursing home. I asked her: Could you quit your job & care for her 24/7 ? (Umm no, I need to work). Could you function on disturbed sleep? (No). Could you leave your young children with her if cooking was unsafe? (Absolutely not). Could you afford in-home care at her place? (No). Are there other relatives that could do that? (Pretty sure no).
She sighed & said well I suppose when I said I'd NEVER do jt, I suppose I meant I'd never WANT to - but the reality may be I'd HAVE to. For the care of her, but also for me & my own family situation.
Please consider.
While I understand NH conjures as nasty image, they are not like they used to be AND they are not for everyone, only those who need skilled nursing care (I believe some have MC units, but unclear on whether that is for ANY MC patient or only MC patients who also need skilled nursing care, We haven't had to consider NH... yet.)
Perhaps all the immediate nay-sayers should take some tours of their local NHs and see for themselves (not all are created equal, so there will be the good, the bad and the mediocre, just as other facilities will.)
you have locked the door to protect mom from starting fires, falling down the steps, and getting into trouble. This is done out of protection, not abuse. You are certainly allowed to put a deadbolt on the door to your home- one that can be installed very high on the door. However, some places might consider it A felony imprisonment, when clearly your heart is in the right place in wanting to protect her! Understand it’s a last resort. But quite frankly, who would know? Believe me, if mom got out of the house and was ringing doorbells at 2am, people would know! But....in your own home? Maybe you could put a gate “locked” at the top of the steps? Or a half-door? This way she’s not “locked in” her room... but she’s using a “child safety” gate.
We put kids in cages for God’s sake, and call them playpens!!!!
memory care facilities are a fortune. I was recently quoted over $10,000 a month! Unless you have some type if care that mom qualifies for, it’s not possible. (Unless you’re independently wealthy?)
next possible solution- MEDS! Get on the phone with her doc and tell him what she’s doing all night. Get some Ambien or sleep aid to make sure she’s sound asleep and comfortable. (And in the meantime, do the same for yourself)
i just signed papers for a home health aide for my dad because I cannot do this anymore by myself. At $33 an hour, we can only afford 9 hours a week. It will be a most blessed 9 hours of rest! If you have the means to get some help, it is money well spent.
Good luck!
You say nothing about your mother's assets? Could it be that "my family" is afraid that if your mother has money and has to spend down in order to get into a Medicaid bed, there will be less if any money for them when she dies? Believe me, I have seen everything and I know that the people you call "my family" don't give a darn about you or your mother. You will know that this is true by doing this: Ask them to take care your mother to give you some time to de-stress. If they say no, tell them that you don't have the money to pay for a sitter so if they don't want your mother to go to AL or Memory Care, they will have to pay the sitters because you are paying for your mother's room, board and all utilities. These people "will ride you hard and put you up wet". You may have to get some counseling to help you stand up to these people. I promise you that if you die first, your mother will be in a facility the next day. I cannot believe that if your mother was in her right mind, she would want to see her daughter's health destroyed.
Believe me, I was there. Something’s gotta give or you’ll end up sick, burned out or dead.
Stick to your ground & don’t back down.
I’m routing for ya!
I am am totally surprised that a nurse told you it is ok to lock your Mum in her room. It is certainly not ok. Maybe her sister could help you? Locking someone in a room is elder abuse.
I cared for my late husband for years so am aware of the demands of caring. They are relentless. Please look for help as soon as possible.
Sincerely,
aisling
If having a home health aide for the night shift is not an option, then you need to look for a memory care facility.
That is was I had to do. 24 hour specialized care. It will give you peace of mind. If you become stressed and run your body down, what good will you be for your family. I know what you are going through.
Locking her in is not a long-term solution.
When the case manager talks to you about discharging her, just say "You cannot discharge her to my home. I cannot care for her any longer and it would not be safe." The hospital will keep her until they find her a bed in a long-term care facility.
I told doctor and social worker he couldn't be discharged to come back home because I was not capable of caring for him any longer. Very sad, and I will miss him forever. He didn't want to go to a nursing home, and it turned out he didn't have to.
The actual test was a trip to SC many years ago, long before dementia - just the drive down and back was HELL! She was sort of okay while there, bashing my brother and his wife when they were not with us, probably me when I wasn't with them! I thought issue was mainly when the parents were together (dad stayed home), but it is HER. She can be a real miserable piss-ant, most of the time! Add to that my house is needing repairs, which are on hold, there is no walk-in shower/bath, access in/out requires a full set of stairs, which she can't manage and I can't support her weight (she now refuses to walk and needs help getting up/down and even dressing!)
In a week I would be dead! Most likely from her falling on me...
BTW, some of the residents in my dad's memory care have lived there for over 10 years, and one lady turned 101 this week. How long can a family live this way?
Tell the family to take her for a while they will feel differently
And since your family doesn’t want you to place her in a home are they willing to help out? Someone sitting with her for a few hours early evening may be just enough to calm her and get her to sleep. Can they take turns so each person only has to come 2 or 3 times a month?
You need a support system! If you have siblings or friends or anyone who knows your situation and can help out. If your church goer don’t be afraid to put that out there. People may offer or know someone willing to help. My mantra is “do you know anyone interested in adult sitting”.
I’ve been caring for my mom for 8 years and have felt that “she’s going to kill me stress”. I have daughters that allow me to just get a quiet night in a hotel once a month to destress or have an evening out with friends. She doesn’t go out now and is on hospice. The aids that come help with bath can’t do extra time but they have friends that are looking for extra work. I am able to interview and hire them for a few hours on weekend. Any little bit of time to yourself helps, getting out of the house helps. When mom was more active I had to diaper her, put her in abdominal binder adult onesies and back zip pants to keep diaper on. Also used extra pad in diaper to keep from wetting furniture. (Buck and Buck for onesie)
I brought peri spray by the gallon and it helped with the adult urine odor.
Luckily she didn’t want to cook but go back to her house. Key lock dead bolts kept her in house.
Dont feel guilty about locking her in as long as room is free of things she can injure herself with, you are keeping her safe. I’ve had to come to grips with decisions people not in my situation don’t understand, but thought it through and realize that don’t understand and moved on.
Lastly my Primary Doctor is an excellent listener. She offers suggestions and some days just getting out the struggle helps.
Good of luck with your mom, or rather good problem solving, good decisions and as primary care giver your the boss so what you say goes until you come up with better options.
Your current situation is untenable. I did read through the first set of responses last night, but only skimmed the others. Some have pointed you to resources to seek help - hopefully you are taking notes on those.
Regarding the issue of locking her in her room, this is a temporary fix only (leaving out the legality or safety issues, you are already aware of them and can read others' comments.) You need a permanent resolution to these problems.
Without opening all possible replies to comments, I don't see any update or response from you. Please do update us about what you decide to do.
My questions are:
1) Is anyone currently POA? If so, is it you?
2) If no one is POA, it is probably too late for that now - will someone apply for guardianship?
3) Who are those you call "my family"? If they are so adamant that a "home" can't be considered, have THEY offered to take her in? If not, then they have NO say in whether she goes to a facility, you hire help or some other decision is made.
Due to safety issues (stairs, fire/other emergency if locked in, wandering, ruining food, etc) AND concerns about YOUR health, your mother either needs to be moved to MC or another family member's home OR you need to bring in outside help. Regardless of how ANYone else feels about keeping a LO at home, there are situations where is just doesn't make sense. Everyone is in danger in these situations. If it is you who objects to a MC place, please take time to check some out. They are not all the same and certainly not like the Nursing Homes of old (plus it doesn't sound like she is NH candidate, just MC AL.)
Meanwhile, until you can bring in help or move her to a safe place:
* For the incontinence, I didn't discuss the issue with mom. We took all her underwear and replaced them with pull-ups. The issue never came up when I have visited since then.
* Depending on the type of dementia, there are medications that can help. If it is just dementia (vascular, ALZ, not FTD or Lewy's), a very small dose of an anti-anxiety can take the edge off AND perhaps help her sleep through the night. I would discuss this with her doctor(s). Some people have mentioned Melatonin as well, but consult with her doctor(s) before trying to self-treat.
* Can you turn the gas off? It sounds like she is somehow able to turn the gas on without the controls?
* Anyone with a Microwave - press/hold the stop/cancel button for about 3 seconds - it will lock the control panel. Repeat to unlock (this also works on newer washers/dryers/stoves - I have to lock the washer/dryer as the cats might turn them on when they jump up and hit buttons.)
I personally do not like medications, however, sometimes they are a necessary evil and/or life-savers! Currently we only need these anti-anxiety meds for our mother if she gets a UTI, which can send her off the rails every afternoon and into the evening. One small dose and within 15 min or so, she calms down and will usually head for bed shortly after (at her usual bedtime.)
Summarizing - even during waking hours, this woman is a hazard to herself and you. She could fall down the stairs during the day, not just at night. She could decide to go outside for a walk when you aren't watching her every move every minute of the day (NO one can do that!) She could still take out food and leave it out, causing it to spoil. There are just so many holes in this "plan" that is currently in place that I am surprised the boat hasn't sunk already. You *really* need help, both in caring for your mom AND in making the right decision for her future. I do hope you reach out to those who can provide help and ignore those who are adamantly against putting your mom in a "place." The alternative could be a graveyard (plus what happens to mom if something happens to you????)
I empathize with your situation; it is asking more than anyone should be asked to give. There are ways to get her into a facility even if your financial means are limited. It would be best for you, and your mother, for her to get professional care.
dementia, but not at this point. Be good if other family members can
help also
She would not qualify for a nursing home, but there are memory care facilities that she might with the help of Medicaid. Have you applied?
I would contact your local Aging and adult CPS and ask for assistance.
You say your mom doesn’t like pull-ups, but you need to make her wear them. This is an unsanitary situation. My mom didn’t like them at first, but some things you just have to out your foot down. You are the adult now and she is the child.
Have you spoken with any of her doctors regarding her mental situation and the danger she poses to herself and others? They may have some suggestions.
I hope you already have Power of Attorney.
I sympathize with your situation. I took care of my mom for 7 years totally on my own and her property and all her medical business while trying to hold down a job. Then I finally retired early when it became evident she couldn’t stay by herself.
I hope you find a peaceful solution.