I have both medical and financial POA over my mother, can I evict a guest?
My mother and I let a relative (my cousin, my mother's nephew) move in about 7 months ago because we felt bad for him.
He has been causing myself and my mother emotional distress by arguing with a loud voice which upsets my mother. My mother stated that it would be best if he moved out. As POA do I have the legal right to evict him or does my mother need to?
My Mom is 94 and suffers from Alzheimer's/dementia though it is not advanced. She know what is going on. She said to me yesterday that my cousin needs to move out.
Can my Mom write the eviction letter? I can type it and explain it to her and she can still sign her name.
I don't know what to do. I made a HUGE mistake letting my cousin move in. I probably shouldn't have let my Aunt move in as well (though it helps my Mom because they play cards and talk about the old days).
Everything was peaceful until my cousin moved in. I am angry at myself for letting myself feel bad for people.
Thanks- Jenna
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You have success standing up for your Mom as POA!
While it is sad that your Mom's sister has left too, stay strong in the coming days.
Keep this in mind: "My mother stated that it would be best if he moved out."
So take some deep breaths and lets hope times will be better soon.
You did your best in a difficult situation. I want to say, good job.
My cousin stopped by yesterday (the guy that comes to mow the lawn just left and I forgot to lock the door). He just waltzed right in and I told him he no longer lives here and that if he needs to pick up his things he needs to give me notice. He didn't like that and gave me a hard time so I recorded his words and watched him until he left.
I also told him if he comes by again without notifying me that I will call the police. So that incident shook me up a little bit.
I didn't think I needed to go to court when the 30 day notice to vacate was up but I thought it over and I will definitely go to court so the judge can tell him he needs to get ALL of his belongings out of this house as well as his cat.
I'm doing the best that I can moment by moment, day by day.
Jenna
You set a great example of how to use this forum. Clearly stating the problem, sorting through the answers and taking action. Great job.
It's a very sad story and what I find even sadder is that not one person in that family ever went for therapy or help.
Thanks again for the compliment as it means so much to me. My Mom is doing okay and I'm giving her more attention than normal because she is going through an adjustment. First my Mom will get depressed, then she feels angry toward her sister (which I think is normal).
I don't know what I would do without this forum. The people here have given me such great advice as well as support. I thank all of you with all my heart!
Jenna
Thanks for the update.
My Mom never blamed me even with her dementia. She was aware of the tension between my cousin and myself which was not healthy for her.
Mom has said to me that she doesn't understand why her sister (my Aunt) couldn't stay and let my cousin (who is 29) live by himself. She said her sister has a bad heart and she will be left alone when her grandson (my cousin) is working. If she would have stayed here she would not have been alone.
Well, that was my Aunt's choice to move with her grandson. Let the enabling continue. If she changes her mind in the future and wants to come back I will say NO. I can't let another person (relative or not) keep playing with my Mom's emotions.
My Aunt basically would play cards with my Mom so now I'm playing cards with her instead. I am trying my best to make her feel better.
Again, I feel soooooo relieved that my cousin is out of here! It's amazing how much tension and anxiety I was feeling and now that tension is gone and my body is relaxing.
Jenna
Anyway, I am really happy my cousin left yet I'm kind of sad that my Aunt left because my Mom first started crying and now she's angry at her sister (my Aunt).
I'm just relieved and surprised at the same time.
Now the locks will be changed.
Just wanted to update everyone who has been following this thread.
Jenna
Bitter sweet situation for sure.
Your aunt was okay with leaving her cat? I can't imagine that she would be okay with that. So sad.
Take care of you and mom. You did the best you could. Relationships are a two way street, if not they will dead end.
Skimming your thread here, I do have a few suggestions.
1) Put up motion sensor lights outside. Battery operated. They deter people from sneaking around in the dark. This would be separate from security cams. And you will be alerted right away.
2) I would not allow cousin to feed your mother, (or Aunt?);or anyone in your home. Way too dangerous if you don't know what he is capable of.
Could have ulterior motives, revenge or control motives, etc. Food, withholding food, controlling food, hiding medication in food (dosing) are all ways bad people gain control over elders, imo.
Yeah but, we all say it is such a 'sweet' gesture, huh? Be careful.
I was like you and we should be that way. But I find that people "will" take advantage. And you need to be able to set boundries and stick to them. Also, learn how to say No. That is hard. I try to say "I'll think about it". I don't volunteer. Seems when you volunteer you are expected to be there. I find I will probably do if asked.
I like your attitude about your Aunt. Grandmom is your priority. Aunt needs to realize that living with your Grandmom is not a longterm solution for her. Seems grandson was worried about her to come back and make sure she was fed. Maybe they can get a place together.
Funny, when my Aunt first wanted to move in with us all I kept saying to her was that I needed to think about it, I didn't just say yes right away. I gave it a lot of thought before I agreed (she was living with her daughter and son-in-law in a coal town in PA where they had no heat, running water, nothing in an abandoned house). Her daughter's husband found the house since they ran out of money. So I felt bad for my Aunt (she was 89 years old when she first moved here). Again, everything worked out fine (my Mom was really happy to have her sister with her), I was happy because my Aunt and my Mom spent a lot of time together), it was a win-win for everyone here.
All that stopped when I "let" my cousin move in (my Aunt's grandson). Biggest mistake I ever made. My mom still doesn't want her sister to move out but if my Aunt's grandson (my cousin) finds an apartment and she wants to go with him, that's fine by me. Personally I don't think they could afford an apartment. My cousin doesn't make enough money working in a supermarket (he doesn't even work full time but around 30 to 35 hours a week).
My Aunt was and still is paying off her credit card debts and trying to save to pre-pay her funeral. I don't think she would want to use her Social Security money to contribute to rent (she pays no rent here) as I felt bad for her and wanted her to save her money so she could have a proper burial. I don't think she will live that much longer, I really don't.
Scripture says that the guilty flee when no one pursueth them. Sounds like he is running from his actions.
I would be prepared for high drama when he shows up. I can see him telling a tale of kidnapping, laying on the side of the road near death after being attacked and mustering the strength to return to grandma kinda drama. So be prepared for the last stand.
Be safe and well done!
His belongings are still here and once the 30 days are up then I can file with the courthouse so he will be forced to get his belongings out of here. Then I will change the locks.
Yes, he knows that I know he smashed my window so the timing couldn't have been more perfect and the police did take his name and where he works which is good.
The more I read about emotional abuse the more I realize he has been abusing me. He learned it from being abused himself (I'm not excusing his behavior but just trying to understand). He is an abuser! And I refuse to be his victim.
I must admit that I'm still shaking my head at myself because I let him come to the house to try to help him and instead he tries to hurt me. I would have never thought that this would have happened. He must be extremely mentally ill. I did suggest to him that he needed therapy in which he never sought. Instead he blames everyone else for his problems instead of taking responsibility for his own actions and feelings. No accountability.
What also gets me is his Grandmother (my Aunt) defends him no matter what and also blames me for all these problems. Well, she abused her daughter (my 2nd cousin's mother) and her grandsons from what I know. So why should she be any different?
I'm prepared for anything. My phone is always on and I can click record in a second. I will be installing the outside security camera today so he will be filmed no matter what he does.
Because of this experience I will hesitate before I help anyone else (I doubt I will help anyone unless I really know them such as my best friend of 45 years). I know I have a big heart and that others will try to take advantage of that. This was a wake-up call for me.
Goodness, life is just an on-going learning experience. Just when I think I have learned it all, I realize that I am still learning and will always learn. My mind is open to all lessons in life.
He was served the eviction notices (one hand delivered in which I recorded) and the other certified and return receipt which he signed for.
He has been angry at me (and only me) for not taking his crap and putting him in his place. He is not used to authority because my Aunt enabled him since he was born (his mother, my Aunt's daughter was also brought up spoiled and entitled). He is the typical millennial who is enabled and spoiled who needs to be forced to grow up and learn how the real world works.
I didn't expect to have to do this with him when he first moved in but I refused to spoil him and treat him in the manner he was used to. I am old fashioned and believe in tough love.
I'll be installing a security camera tomorrow (it will be hidden) thus if he does any more damage it will be recorded for the police who will arrest him. The recordings will automatically go to my phone and computer.
Jenna
Be safe and sleep with 1 eye open, he sounds vindictive and has demonstrated that he will resort to physical activity.
My prayers are with you and your mom.
Auntie is such an enabler, it's sad.
Yes, my Aunt is an enabler and it's sad that she could never see that instead of helping him (as well as her daughter who is my first cousin), she hurt them by not forcing them to go out and get a job so they could function in a healthy manner in the real world.
As I posted before tomorrow I will be installing a security camera that will be hidden and will take video's of anything that is moving which will automatically download to my phone and computer. This way I have proof for the police if he pulls anything again which would lead to him being arrested.
Jenna
A lesson I learned years ago with my parents' rental house. The lease stated no indoor pets but when the renter violated the agreement and allowed the dog to chew on the doors and scratch up the floors and baseboard, the judge agreed the lease had been violated but would only impose a fine for about 20% of the cost of repairs; so my "retired" parents ended up with the equivalent of no rental income for over 5 years. Next lease not only stated renter agrees not to do stuff, but includes restitution for breaking each element of the agreement so the next time we go to court, the judge just enforces the contract.
I also spoke with a victim advocate and she said because I was not physically threatened that I can not get a RFA (refrain from abuse) even though it's emotional abuse. Has to be physical and there must be proof. Also think that is crazy!
Tomorrow I will go to the post office and mail this eviction to my cousin certified mail. He has 30 days so I will continue to ignore him and my Aunt since she believes her grandson is God's gift to the world and he can do no wrong. My Aunt stated many times that if he leaves then she is going with him (not my problem) though I think it's unhealthy for a 91 year old with serious heart problems to be living in a one room studio. Again, not my problem.
I also feel that my Aunt does not appreciate that I allowed her to live here rent free, etc. which I did from the goodness of my heart. Wow, have I learned a huge lesson from all this. I'm not going to allow anyone (family or not) to take advantage of me anymore.
Jenna
My mom and I live on a dead end street where there are no people. People don't walk around here. We have a couple of neighbors but I know them and they are very nice. Everything is spread out here.
The police also told me to get a security camera installed outside. I am trying to decide which one would be best so I can record my cousin at all times.
Is there anything else I can do to protect myself and my belongings?
What a mess! Jenna
He would now have the burden of proof to have to wait until courts open up again and figure out how to sue you or whatever he can try to figure out. He won’t be able to figure out how to do anything because he’s an idiot. I’m angry for you!! That is God’s honest truth of what I would do, whether I had other cousins or not. If he calls the cops when he can’t get in, deny he lives there...he doesn’t legally and as you said, he can’t prove it.
Goodness, it sounds like you and your son went through so much for many years. Glad to hear your son is doing better even though he can't work right now. Let's hope we will see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.
Jenna
Like paying his own way, buying his own food and figuring out how to get to work on his own. It's what grown men do.
His crying and saying that he has no place to go is manipulation, plain and simple. Tell him to stop and put his big boy pants on and stop mooching off people. Don't give that garbage any leeway.
I would rather be sorry that I helped someone in need and got taken advantage of then to be the person that regrets never offering a helping hand. Or worse, being the taker that no one wants around. You did good! You should feel proud that you tried to help.
You are right that he blew it. I decided to use the "gray rock" method and not talk to him because he is looking for drama and I'm not going to give it to him.
Everyone on this forum is so wonderful that it brings tears to my eyes, honest! I don't know what I would do without everyone here.
I am truly grateful,
Jenna
Anyway, my Aunt came here first by herself. She has been here 1-1/2 years and it has worked out great (playing cards with my Mom, talking about the old days, etc.), until her grandson (my 2nd cousin) came here. Then everything changed for the worse as he wouldn't let me give her food as he wants to feed her, he won't let her leave her bedroom and she listens to him which is not healthy either.
Only when he goes to work does she come out and sit with my Mom (almost like she is sneaking it). As I said before I have heard him yell at her and if I hear it again I will call the police (and try to record it). Terrible!
I suspect once he leaves she will go with him because that's the way she is even though she is 91 years old and I don't think it would be healthy for her to move again. She has serious heart problems as well as mobility problems. I think she will go before my Mom. Hey, that's her choice as she is welcome to stay here.
Jenna
After he was here about a month or so I listed rules for him and one of those rules was for him to see a therapist. Guess what? He never went. Instead he told me I was the one who needed therapy.
Again, he has never displayed any violence. I think all of his problems are in his brain and he most definitely needs help. I am a recovering alcoholic for 35 years and luckily I wanted help which I sought out and received. So my point is an adult has to want to get help and he does not.
I will only call the cops if he starts screaming at me again or scream at his grandmother.
He is an adult and 100% should be self supporting.
Give him 30 days notice today but give him until June 30th.
It is not your problem that he does not have a place to live. It is warm out, he can but a tent and sleep rough or go to a shelter.
It is not his mother’s, Aunt’s, Stepdad etc job to put a roof over his head.
I can't legally evict him due to the COVID-19 virus. There is a ban on evictions. So I just have to stay calm (easier said then done) and wait this out.
The only positive I see is that he will be moving out of the living room and share my Aunt's bedroom (his grandmother) so I will have my living room back.
He lied to me about telling me he could only work at night because of a problem with his eyes (he works during the day with no problems), lied to me about so many different things. He is a con artist, manipulator (he got me good), plays the victim card and all the other cards he has up his sleeve.
My Mom overhears when his voice gets loud and she gets upset.
Oh, he was "screaming" at his grandmother who will be 91 tomorrow and I should have called the police then but he had first moved in. My Aunt (his grandmother) told me he screams at her a lot but yet she will take his side no matter what. She is not objective and because of this last incident she is not talking to me.
So any eviction will have to wait until you can legally evict him. Check with the County Court, you probably need to go through the county court house and file for eviction then appear in court. They will then set a date and the Sheriff will serve and eventually evict
Unless you can get him to move out on his own this is the only way to go about it properly.
Vermont courts already largely halted evictions during the Covid-19 crisis. When the Vermont Supreme Court declared a judicial emergency on March 16, which suspended all non-emergency court proceedings, it effectively froze most eviction cases.
But doesn’t protect tenants in cases where writs of possession — documents notifying tenants that they must leave their residence — had been granted before Vermont entered a state of emergency and could, in theory, still be served.
Vermont Legal Aid, told the Senate Economic Development Committee last week that there were 22 cases in the state involving active writs of possession.
Well, I will use the "gray rock" method and just wait it out, I don't have a choice right now. I will not engage in any conversation with my cousin and just ignore him. If he does yell at me I will call the cops.
Check Vermont's governor's orders on evictions. They have been terminated here for a period of 60 days and may be extended all due to covid. The sheriff may have that information as well.
Check the POA documents does mom have to be considered incapacitated for it to be in effect done in consultation with a doctor or two? A short word on POA's it is not "over" someone, it is FOR someone and the agent must always act in a way that the principal would and be in their best interest.
If mom is not incapacitated she will have to do the paperwork to submit to the court. Here only a court can order eviction. This is not a do it yourself.
The court nor the sheriff would consider him a guest. This is his home.
I agree, do this legally.
Right now I'm just waiting on the attorney to call me back.
Thanks, Jenna
Is this a person with lifelong mental health challenges? Or on the Autism Spectrum?
What kind of supports does he need to become independent? Has he ever seen an employment counselor? Held a job?
What would have been the result if you ignored what he said about the toilet?
Google "grey rock" and consider using this technique.
Yes, he said he was on the autism spectrum but after 7 months I don't see it (which doesn't necessarily make it not true). To my knowledge he was never officially diagnosed.
He has a job at a supermarket (not full time but about 30 hours a week). He has been there since January and before that he worked at a restaurant washing dishes.
Because he doesn't have a license I was driving him and picking him up (the supermarket is 4 miles from the house). Last week he told me his hours for the day and I said fine. Prior to me driving him I "thought" I had a nice talk with him about priorities. Long story short I am waiting in my car at 10:00 to drive him and he disappeared. I texted him and asked him where he was and he replied he walked to work because he needed to relax.
I told him that night that I will never put myself in the position ever again and I am no longer driving him.
Yes, I should have ignored him about what he said about the toilet, I don't know how he would have reacted.
I have ignored him before and he doesn't like it. Until he moves out I will use the "grey rock" technique, thanks for that!
I have also been seeing a therapist (mostly because of him) and that has helped me. He is an entitled 29 year old, spoiled (due to his grandmother), arrogant, and never lived on his own before, always with family.
He has built himself an electric bike and is waiting for one more part. He did tell me he was saving up to buy a car (but he never applied to his license even before this virus came).
I'm sure he will find a room for rent and his grandmother (my Aunt) will probably help him as she always has.
Hollering and yelling are forms of abuse, so don't hesitate to record him and call the police to have him removed.
I am sorry that you and your mom are being treated this way after offering a helping hand.
I am 63 and will call the police if he yells at me again. As I posted below I feel very angry at myself for letting him live here. His grandmother lives here too (also out of my good heart) and they are very close.
If he does not leave when asked, you may need to follow your local laws on eviction proceedings. For example, in Denver, it would take over two months to evict someone, or longer. The government has temporarily put a hold on all evictions for the foreseeable future due to the pandemic.
I left a message with Legal Help in Vermont and it could take 3 days for them to call me back.
In most states, maybe all?, he would have to be legally evicted if he didn’t agree to leave. You have to see what the requirements are. Many times moochers and bullies know the rules because they have done this before so don’t skip any of the steps. There may be provisions that give him standing if he has had mail delivered there or if he contributed to the household expenses. So it may take 30 days.
If he is violet you need to call 911.
Your mom shouldn’t have to deal with this guest any longer.