I hate to be a mother who cuts her only son out of her will and trust, but it’s been horrible. What should I do?

What happens if they have two more kids there? Because that’s now the precedent. Have a kid, treat you as poorly as they want.

And another thing that might be going on is the perception, deserved or not, that you are meddling too much. Had I met so 15 years earlier, we might have had a kid. In which case mil would have dropped by every single day with her Martha Stewart hints. I would have had to move.

Sure you can change your will, but the immediate need here is to get them out.
For both your sakes.

Edit, I saw where you live. I’m sorry but that half a duplex is worth 3000 a year. You will need it if your cancer care requires aides. You definitely can’t be a full time babysitter. If he had a good job in sb he can go back to it. He and this gf can use birth control.

Well, as to eviction, firstly, are you in rent controlled area? If so, and you made a lease with your son you are well and truly up the S---'s creek. Right now where I live you not only cannot evict (Covid-stuff just extended again to end June) and you can't get people out of your place once in PERIOD, let alone raise rent very much at all. San Francisco very tenant-friendly city. I hope you didn't have an inkling of the turn your son would make before you let him in, because I would think you are well and truly stuck.
I very much agree with not leaving money to people not mature enough (clearly he isn't ) to deal with it. You could A)leave it in trust with an appointed Successor Trustee (you are Trustee until you die or fail) to dole out a certain amount over his life, then be given to daughter. That amount depends on how much you are leaving in assets. You could direct your real property be sold, managed in trust by your fiduciary or attorney, and doled out enough to keep him alive, but not to let him blow it all.
OR you could leave it to the granddaughter when she comes of age. If that is 18 she will likely blow it fast, too, OR may go to college, and you can stipulate the uses and amounts yearly in HER trust as well.
I would not have a problem doing this. There is no reason your son should ever be told his, as well. You want to be certain not to appoint him as POA or anything else, or as successor trustee at all. Get a hired Fiduciary, attorney for yourself as POA and for your Trust.
I don't know how much you are leaving. But this would protect your son should he need support in future. It COULD also burden him. Say he were disabled? He could not easily get medicaid for himself and his insurance if he has an income via inheritance of say 30,000 a year or some such.
Not an easy question. Myself, I would make it a Trust and have it gathered into monetary investments and given to granddaughter at age 30. She would be mature then. Could pay off college loans if she had them. Meanwhile that money would grow quite a lot.
Just some things to think about.
It's your money. You could leave it to a cat shelter if you wanted to.
Peggy Sue makes a good point about "what if there are other children" who are issue of your son. Would you want to make it a division of assets to his children at some age? Again, much depends on the amounts you are talking about. If you are talking over a million I would just suggest you consult your Trust and Estate attorney for good options. They have done them all!

Seems to me you have a entitled son. COVID restrictions are being lifted concerning eviction. Its time to stand up for yourself and teach your son about life. Once he got a job (and she should be working too) he should have been paying utilities and rent. He will have to when he goes out into the real world. This will not get better. You could be bringing in more income renting the place to someone else.

Get a lease made up by a lawyer stating what the rent will be and the cost of utilities. (If ur on one meter average the cost) Make the lease a month by month. Send it to son certified mail with a letter to the effect you no longer can carry him that he needs to pay you a fair rent and utilities. Call his bluff. Look around at rentals to get an idea what he would need to pay if he left then charge him lower, but enough to offset ur costs. Tell him if he does not pay the rent, he will need to leave or you will evict. When he finds that what your asking is much lower than he would pay leaving, he probably will stay. He needs u more than you need him.

Since you have been charging him a minimum rent, u may want to ask the lawyer how much you can raise it. Some states have where u can only increase a certain percentage a year. If he cries poor, tell him to put GF to work if she isn't already. If u can, offer to babysit as long as they live there. (A little minipulation on ur part)

You are doing you son no favors. Our world is not getting better. Your son and his GF (she is not ur DIL) need to grow up because I see lots if challenges for my kids and grands in the next years. Don't let them manipulate you. Yes he will get mad, let him. He will find out what it means to be on ur own. We seem to be the only species who finds it hard to push their offspring out of the nest.

You deserve respect and I would not do another thing for your son until you get it. I know times have changed but he is living off you, had a child and has not married the mother of this child. HE has responsibilities.

You cannot blame your granddaughter for how things go with her parents. If you want to set up a trust for her, do it. Leaving your son anything, see how it goes when you set boundries. But if you write him out of the Will, say why so he can't contest it.

What a terrible situation your son & his g/f have put you in! I think I would sell the duplex and let the moocher know that you simply can't afford to house him anymore, nor has he allowed you to talk to him rationally, so OUT you go.

Holding the grandchild over your head as a threat for not wanting to pay a higher rent while YOU are going broke is unspeakable. If you sell the place, then he has NO other choice but to move along and go find other housing where he will be charged REAL rental rates. Hopefully, you will make a lot of profit off the sale of the duplex and be able to move to senior Independent Living and start a whole new life. If nasty son withholds your grandchild from you, you can't change his decision on that matter. I hope he doesn't do that, b/c it would be hurtful to ALL of you, including HIM, in the long run.

If you don't want to sell, have them evicted legally. Your son & his gf have ALREADY ruined the relationship, so all you're doing is trying to get them out of there so you can stop the bleeding on your finances.


Go see a Certified Elder Care Attorney about drawing up your will and leaving your money to whomever you want to leave it to. Maybe you can set up a college fund ONLY for your granddaughter, and leave the rest to the Dumb Friends League or something. Get advice, also, about serving your son with a legal eviction notice, etc. It's sad that things should come down to this, huh? Maybe he's having a mid-life crisis or taking drugs? Or else the almighty dollar has ruined HIM as it has so many other people. When it comes to money, people can be ruthless, it seems to me.

Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate

There is a chance that they will turn her against you and he will get the money anyway. You never know. You clould leave all your money to charity, then you know you will be helping people. Or. leave your son and granddaughter a portion and the rest to charity whatever you want.

There are three sides to the story, Yours, his and the truth. I only say this because I have a mother who has been a sorry excuse for a mother most of my life and to make a long story short I had to basically plead/make her finally put a will together for her to leave the condo to me her only daughter, or else the state would get it, as if I did not make her do this she would not gave a crap what happens when shes gone. Now thats a Crap mother who just turned 88. In closing, just remember when your gone your gone, but your only son will remember what you plan to do will have lasting memories for him and if you don't leave him in the will, most likely the bad memories will be told to your remaining loved ones.

A little background before I share what I have done. When my son passed 13 years ago, he left his son behind. He and sons mother never married. Off and on for the next 9 years I was an alienated grandparent (only specific circumstances allowed to obtain grandparent rights in Florida, which didn't apply in my case) and I slowly connected the dots regarding grandsons mother who is a full blown narcissist. I haven't seen my grandson for 6 years until his mother found out my husband had a stroke in Aug 2021 and then a few visits because they were nosey but I felt my husband needed to see his grandson and speaking directly to grandson, no contact with his mother. Nothing since a Christmas party 2021, everyone was there and he immediately ran over to us, he will be 15 in June. Thank God for the established bond we made. Now to my will. I sought out an elder attorney and requested specifically in writing that my grandson's mother not be considered at all as trustee for my grandson if I pass before he turns 25. My son and only remaining child is executer of my will and trustee for my grandson with specific instructions on how much grandson gets and conditions on use if he needs it before age 25. If my son passes before grandson turns 25, the state of Florida steps in as trustee for grandson. God Bless and good luck.

Get them out. Your home should be your sanctuary.

As for the estate, I understand your position from a different viewpoint and fully support your decisions, whatever they may be.

I was Executor and Trustee for my parents’ estates. They made the (initially) painful decision to cut several of their children out of their estates.

My parents were wonderful people. These siblings created contentious relationships with and were terrible to my parents for their own different reasons. They always expected an equal share of my parents’ estates with no repercussions for their bad acts.

As my parents became older and grew less healthy, the treatment got progressively worse. (It was horrendous). They didn’t want my parents to have access to comforts of living or the best medical care because that could diminish the value of their future inheritance.

When my parents died and they learned they had been excluded, they vigorously sued me, as my parents’ legal representative.

I believe my parents made the ABSOLUTE right choice. If I didn’t understand the ugliness of my siblings at that time my parents made these choices, I learned to! They certainly transformed into serpents and Medusas when they didn’t get what they wanted and they came after me. I defended everything in court for my parents and prevailed after a number of years.

The truth is your money and things are just “stuff.” They are important to you and will be appreciated wherever they are given, but it is your stuff and you can give it wherever you choose and for whatever reason you want, justified by others or not!

Get a great lawyer in a well respected law firm. Give your estate to whomever you wish, charity, friends… your pick. Make sure that a doctor that has treated you and knows you well examines you for mental capacity concurrent with the changes to your will (because this is a common legal attack on estates even if you have always been mentally sound). Tell the doctor that this is why you are making the appointment. Create extra supplemental evidence (such as a video, that you create on your own phone yourself, explaining your choices. - this video will also support that you are of sound mind - make sure your lawyer and your future executor have a copy).

Once everything is signed, rest easy! Do not feel guilty. It is your stuff. He has no birthright to it!

This was my parents’ last lesson to their ungrateful kids and a positive lesson to the world and their community.

Know that you are not alone!

I wouldn't want to be the vindictive parent who uses money and property to try to "punish " a child. Situations can change quickly. What kind of message does this send to a grandchild? Do you want your granddaughter growing up with the knowledge her grandmother will use her money and property to get hew way and as a punishment.

You need to be honest with your children and explain why you need to put the rent up. Also remind him that the more family your grandchild has the better and to throw a hissy fit every time you want to discuss financial matters is not very mature.

Show proof get the monthly bills- heating etc. and prove the need to raise the rent.

Ask him why he treats you poorly, you only ever have one family time for the truth to be out.There are always two sides to every story.

I am going to take the Will part first.
Skip your son. Have your Estate Planner or whoever is doing the Will place money in a TRUST for your granddaughter. It should be accessible to her when she reaches the age of _______. You pick the age it could be 18, or when she enters college, it could be 21 so it can be used when she is done with school, it could be when she reaches the age of 30. YOU pick the age.
Doing this he really can not contest the Will.

Now for the Duplex.
Get a FORMAL, LEGAL rental agreement.
Charge FAIR rent for the space they are renting.
You owe them no explanation. This is a BUSINESS agreement.
If he wants or needs a reduction in rent he can do work around the home. Both his rental and your residence and you can pay him by reducing the rent for that month. (If you get an estimate on fixing a fence and it is $1000. and his rent is $1500 for the month he would pay you $500. You and he sign a statement that work was done and payment for that month is satisfied)
If renting for FAIR rent is not something he wants to do or can do then give them notice and you can put the place up for rent. If they refuse to move out then you will have to go the Eviction route and that may take a while.

My brother was an extreme alcoholic. Mom and dad left him $1.00 because they paid many thousands of dollars to him throughout their lives--thousands. Mom passed in 2014, my dad 2018 and my sister 2018, brother 2015. My brother had 2 children, one passed on Thanksgiving, 2021 leaving me and my mom/dad's greedy grandaughter being the only two heirs. Nothing was left to the grandchildren. Nothing was left to my sister because she was special needs and I was her guardian and would take care of her needs. I was the only one listed in the Will to inherit their entire estates. NOW, this being said...the estates have been opened since mom and dad's death and we JUST closed the estate last week ALL BECAUSE daddy left my brother $1 and this had to go to the grandchildren. They, thinking they deserve everything my mom/dad had although they probably saw them 10 times during their whole life didn't agree with the $1 they left their dad, wouldn't sign documents, and it's been held up this whole time. Moral of this story, and my attorney said this before dad died was NEVER EVER leave a child $1. Best thing is to leave him nothing and have the will drawn up so that it says that it cannot be contested and that this is your wishes. It's been AWFUL, but now finally complete...and my entire family is gone..... :( Just thought I'd reach out and let you know my ordeal. I left my entire estate to one person/friend (I have no children) and it states that my Will cannot be contested (by the ungrateful grandaughter whom I have ZERO contact with). Attorney says this will be cut and dry. Is it OK to leave your son nothing? It's your estate, absolutely YES. My bff just cut her ungrateful, unpleasant :) daughter out of her Will and left everything to her other daughter. It's OK.

From your profile: "My son and his wife and my granddaughter live above me (I own a duplex), so we are so lucky to have our fun with my granddaughter and my son goes to the store for us, especially during the Coronvirus pandemic. We count our blessings for them! Will I ever be able to get my sister's children on board with my sister's health care? "

Is there a post I'm missing? Because in this profile, you are mad because your sister's children won't help.

You praise your son, but now things are different. Is this a sudden change?

Im in a situation as well. 4 children and one which was adopted at 13. The adopted one has give nothing but aggravation I hate to say. She is 25 now and still does and has nothing to do with us until she is in a bind of some sort. I was told she has to be in the will. Can I give her a $1? Seriously though, I planned on leaving the home and assets to the kids and my 3 biological children split it 3 ways and each give her 5% of what they get. Or let the lawyer do this. I feel what your saying though.

Using your granddaughter as a pawn by your son or yourself is not the answer.
There is a lot of missing info in your post but on the surface as you state it, I would say it's clear that there is much more to this story. Your profile states that you are living with - and taking care of - your elderly sister, and that her children are angry with you. Your son and his significant other are also angry with you. Perhaps the two issues are connected?
Do take some time for self refection and think about what might be your part in your son's change of heart. Until all the facts are clearly laid out, it's impossible to give solid advice to you. Your goal must be to reconcile with your family and not to use your assets as punishment because that serves no good purpose. Life is short - I truly wish you the best.

Unfortunately, you can't resolve a problem when your son refuses to communicate. Most likely the girlfriend is at the base of their (real or imagined) problem. Its classic "resent his mother" competition. My husband 's former wife was needy, insecure and resented his affection for his mother, to the point that he didn't visit her in her last days to appease the ex's jealousy, calling him a "mother's boy." Your son is an adult, and tough as it will be, please separate your maternal instincts from the situation you have. Your kindness has been taken advantage of, and is being exploited by their attitude of entitlement, their resentment of being charged rent at all. Who takes off a year to "play" with a new child when there are bills to pay and food needed on the table? Its someone whose mother made it possible, without receiving gratitude. As the son and girlfriend have terminated your relationship, its time for him to grow up in the real world. You are facing your own mortality and deserve to live your life as you wish, without constant reminder of rejection. They reside too close for that to happen. Inheritance is a gift, not a right. Your son's defiance and animosity certainly eliminates him. Take a stance to protect yourself. Its your property. If you can't bring yourself to present a rent increase, enlist the aid of a real estate management company to handle the property. With your health, it will be one thing you don't have to worry about. Your ungrateful son can relocate if he doesn't want to pay a fair rental rate set by the agency. Consider selling the whole duplex and relocate. You will need the funds as your condition changes. Consult an estate lawyer to update your will. Have it worded to prevent your son's ability to contest it. Have a trusted friend for your POA. That your son threatened to cut off your contact with the child is disgraceful, but I guarantee you it will happen again. If he and the girlfriend break up, (most likely) it is certain you will not see the child. I understand your anguish over a beloved son who, without explanation, cut you out of his life while taking your grandchild with him. You're ill and your son is not displaying concern or compassion. Stop wasting your precious time with self doubt and trying to figure out what caused the break. You can't change your son or what influences he follows. Please take control of your future and live out your remaining time in comfort, not worrying about leaving anything to anyone. Surround yourself with those who care about, and will care for you. You deserve it.

A big part of the issue here is likely you. You didn’t set any boundaries nor have a formal agreement. Even with family there need to be business and financial agreements in writing so both parties know what to expect. You chose to babysit and, again, set no boundaries and now you’re resentful. If both your son and his partner don’t speak to you, yet you are doing all this work and allowing them a place to live, then you’re over giving. Instead of blaming, perhaps it’s time to sit down with your son and his partner and put a mutual agreement in place. If you cut him off, then you’ll lose you son and granddaughter. You have a right to set limits and decide who inherits but, the important thing now is to clean up your relationship with your son and not use money as leverage. He’ll just be angry and use his child as a pawn. This isn’t healthy. Family therapy may be a good choice to see if you can find a way to communicate and problem solve in a mature and more productive manner,

Get legal help. If you have investments, consider that person being trustee. Be sure to do all of this legal prep before you talk to your son or give him papers. You need to be armed with facts, strength and remember, you are doing this for you and your granddaughter. Your son may come around, but right now, he sees you as someone he can bully and manipulate. It is heartbreaking. My mom lived through that mentality from my sister and it broke her heart. We realized that God saved mom from further abuse. However, mom was very sad when my sister took her only granddaughter out of her life…..it changed because my sister cannot live without my mom’s love and care.

Nothing will change if you don’t do something. I would not tell your son of the trust at this time because he may not be an ethical person and the beneficiary of that trust who is currently in his care doesn’t need to have that extra burden of his poison.

I am of the firm belief that we teach people how to treat us. Co-dependency and dependency counseling helps to set boundaries, but prayer and godly counsel was the foundation.

You may be surprised on how he will react when the boundaries and clearly defined lines are stated and enforced. Expect a temper-tantrum; expect pressure but stay firm for the long haul.

The will or trust can be amended if he comes around. It’s not that hard. It is just an amendment. Be sure to tell the elder attorney that may happen so he/she can be aware of your flexibility.

:)

I am in precisely the same situation. with more than just one son. But my children are not financially wanting. And I vacillate. But my current thought is to leave some relevant things and $ to grandchildren, then much to organizations I have supported over the years--classical music groups, libraries, museums, political groups, and many books from my overflowing libraries to prisons, public schools,...

Sad to say but you allowed all this to happen. Why would you sit back, allow your son a year off to play with baby? Who does that? Then allow his rent at a horribly discounted rate, cutting your own throat in the meantime? You've also allowed him to use his daughter as a pawn. So, sad to say, it's also up to you to clean up this mess you've made. If you don't want to sell the duplex, employ a property mgt Co to start collecting the full rental price. This man child needs to step up and be responsible and if he doesn't, property mgt will get him out of there and get someone in there to pay a fair rental price. You need to stop letting him take advantage, manipulate and control you. Now it's time for some tough love. Statistics tell me that chances are that your son and his baby's mama will not be together for you to continue to see your granddaughter. You've got to stand up for yourself in any way you can. If you refuse to do that, you can expect more bad treatment. I feel at this point, they are beyond sitting down with you to talk out your differences. They seem to get what they want in any way they can and they are teaching their child to do the same. You've got enough on your plate. Tell your man child that you need to help yourself because you're sick so you will be employing a property mgt to manage your property. Don't back down and don't let them move in "to help" and they are sorry. Stand your ground! Hugs to you and wishing you the best with your health and family.

I don’t know the real estate laws in your area and I don’t know the rental rates in your area, but if they are anything like the rates where I live, $600 is substantially below market rate. Many communities have restrictions on what percentage you can increase your rent year to year. You should get some advice from a real estate attorney about increasing your rent and various ways of handling this situation legally. While the cost of the attorney may be onerous up front, down the road it could save you a fortune and will increase your income from your rental unit. Your son does not have the right to deplete you financially.

Don't feel guilty. Once the threat was made to remove the grandchild from your life; your son sealed his own fate. My two sons, from my first marriage, very deliberately chose to avoid me in adulthood. My two step-children embraced me. My two sons are now written out and deliberately excluded in my living trust and I have felt good about it for 15 yrs.

How your granddaughter will be when she’s older? Is this a contest or competition who is the nicest to you?

My Mother disinherited the entire family and left everything to my daughter bc she says my daughter called her once when no one else did.

My mother is 80 with Parkinson’s and has borderline personality and lives with my quadriplegic 46 year old sister. They both are compulsive hoarders and spenders and blame everyone else for what they do. There will be nothing left when they die, more then likely they’ll be homeless but now they have alienated my daughter and that was by design. That’s also what my grandmother did, pick and choose favorites but the truth was they were emotionally broken.

When I hear folks using their money to control or manipulate their family it’s just maddening. No one cares or wants my mothers money, we’d all be happy with some peace and quiet. We are not a significant other that has to constantly call her at a certain time to prove we care, we are all exhausted and over it.

I relocated 3 hours to help them both just to see my mother uses and manipulates people in the most ruthless way, nothing she said was the truth. Not a Christian bone in her body even tho she quotes scripture all day.

You've received a wide range of answers here about this difficult situation so I'm not going to repeat. I'm just interested in how you worded your son's decision to stay home with the baby during her first year, "He took a year off to play with his baby, then both started working after that year." Many, many people feel strongly that it is good for a parent to stay with a new baby, especially during the first year. He and his girlfriend made the decision for him to be a stay at home dad. This was made possible by the reduced rent you gave them, allowing them to manage on one income. If the girlfriend had stayed home that year, would you have said she "took a year off to play with the baby"? I agree that the circumstances are different now and they should be paying full rent. Having you babysit is saving them a lot of money in childcare expenses, and hopefully they are using the savings wisely and not taking it for granted. They have clearly taken you for granted, but it was your choice to babysit. I'm sure your granddaughter has a much better start in life having had a parent stay home with her during her first year and having her grandmother babysit her after both parents went back to work. Just remember that's the positive side of this whole situation. Going forward, I agree with those who suggest sitting down calmly with the son and his girlfriend and go over all the expenses of maintaining the duplex, explaining why the rent needs to be raised. One question--do you want to just cover expenses and perhaps save a bit for future maintenance, or do you want to make a profit on the rental to help you out with your own living expenses? That could make a difference in how you approach your son.

Peggykimber44,

There are a good many posts on this forum exactly like yours.
You say that your closest friends can't believe how he treats you, and that is probably true. But what I think, and I'm rarely wrong about such things, is they never saw the gaslighting that you almost certainly have practiced on him for a very long time.
Yes, you gave your son a reduced rent. You babysat for your granddaughter. How much did you lord this over your son? Judging by what you've said here, my guess is a lot.
Just the fact that you felt the need to make sure everyone here on this forum and there are readers from all over the world, know that your son and his child's mother aren't married is a pretty good indicator to me of exactly the kind of person and parent you are.
You want to know what you should do? Well, I'll tell you then.
Go sit down with your son. Let him talk. YOU listen. Then no more talk about cutting him out of your will and trust. No more lording it over him how much you do for him and his family. Stop playing the victim too. Try showing your son a little bit of respect and stop cutting him down with all you do for him and let him have some self-respect. You do this and I guarantee you will see a great change in your son and a tremendous improvement in your relationship with him, his lady, and your grandchild.

Your son's change in personality makes it seem like he may have some mental illness or problem. Maybe it would help if you got therapy to learn how to deal with him in a way that preserves your boundaries and doesn't make you so unhappy. I sympathize with you about not getting any gratitude or understanding from him about your situation. Is your own hurt so bad that you also want to hurt him? How would you feel about yourself if you cut him off? Is there no chance of having a talk with him to find out why he is being so hostile to you? How is his new job going? Is he happy with it, and is the pay good? I'm family oriented, so I feel that it is worth trying to keep the family together, if a better relationship can be achieved. In the end, you have to do things that make you happy. Why not spend all of your money? Don't worry about leaving anything to anyone.

I am in the same situation with the exception she is no longer a girlfriend. She is his WIFE. They have two kids and have had nothing to do with us since way before they got married in 2005. The girl's mom had a lot to do with the tension. I have NEVER seen the grandkids!

FYI: We have a trust (and a will). The Trust CANNOT be contested. I did leave my son in the trust and will, with him receiving less than he would, had he stayed in our lives. My husband and I put the grandkids in the trust, but to receive payouts when they are way beyond college years. Since I don't know them, I do not want to foot the bill for their education.

I have left my son as the first trustee (after my husband). Our original trust was done shortly after they married, and since then we have changed the designations considerably. New trust documents were put in the mail to him a couple days ago, so we'll see how that goes. He may refuse to have any part in either the financial or medical portions of our trust document.

I can only imagine how hard it will be for you if your son and his girlfriend decide to keep your granddaughter out of your life. You can fight in court for grandparents rights. I cannot do that because I have never seen them.

Good luck to you.

I can’t begin to imagine what has turned your son and created this unfair dilemma for you, perhaps at some point you two will be able to sit down and hash it out. All I can do here is address your basic question. I am not familiar with CA laws or the bulk of your estate but if indeed your house is as important to you as it sounds and you and your husband planned to pass it down I would discuss a plan with an Estate Attorney that includes your options for Trustees and or Executors to administer. It’s not unusual to appoint a lawyer or law firm either solely or together with a trusted family member or friend.

If you were able to set up a trust that looks something like this it might accomplish both of the things you want to and perhaps include your rent issue. It would have to allow for your use of funds should you need them of course. Find the fair market rent of your sons part of the duplex and set that as his rent, which he would pay either to you until you pass or the trust if you elect to move everything into itenow (then the trust would pay the bills) then upon his passing either the estate or the trust would go to your grandchildren either at that time or at a set age. Someone would have to be paid to manage the property as your half would then be rented and upkeep overseen but this could be done by a family member, you son for instance or even your granddaughter as long as they were approved by the administers of the trust and doing a good job so all over seen by the Administrators.

By establishing the going rate for rent now and leaving it at that rate for your son as long as he is alive, if you choose to do that, you would effectively be giving him a rent controlled home for the rest of his life rather than feeling you left him out of your will and trust and protecting him from himself. If the increase feels too high and shocking to you then come up with a yearly increase until it reaches that amount. You know he is capable of earning a good income, supporting himself and this does force him into doing that one way or the other, he can choose not to live there and move in which case you would rent his half but he would still be able to move back in at the established rate should he choose. You are also leaving the trust or the estate to your grandchildren, making sure their father is taken care of but that the bulk passes on to them. Basically taking care of your son for the rest of his life but not giving him anything, instead giving it to his children.

Your son and his partner can threaten all they want to move your granddaughter away trying to manipulate you but when it comes rite down to it they will really need to consider the expense and loss of convenience they will suffer loosing the free childcare they now enjoy. Cutting your son out completely, though you wouldn’t have to tell him I suppose and formally raising the rent might piss him off enough to increase the likelihood they move. Giving him the permanent ability to live there and taking care of his children might tame that down a bit. Whatever you do you have to be prepared and willing to have them move and loose access to your granddaughter at least for a while but letting them hold you hostage using her as a tool isn’t good for you or your granddaughter now or in the future. Finding a good estate attorney that you feel comfortable with is key here, they can take your basic framework, ask questions, give you options and guide to the best way to accomplish this. They should be able to at least help take care of the current rent/lease problem too. My thoughts are with you as you battle your Cancer and try to resolve your family dilemma two emotionally and physically exhausting feats at the same time.

I think you might benefit by 1. not enabling your son to manipulating you with threats about your granddaughter. Are you still baby sitting? If so, your son probably doesn't want to lose your help.
2. Talk with an estate attorney to set up a trustee other than your son if that's what you really want. Why penalize your granddaughter by worrying what she will be like in the future, you can't control what kind of person she will become.
3. you may consider getting counseling for yourself.
4. Since you are worried about finances see someone to help you develop a budget [or do it yourself]
5. If you are worn out take some time for yourself.
You are the only one who can decide what to do about dealing with your son and granddaughter - what would you do in your son carries out his threat to move away with his daughter?

I refer to thsi sort of behaviour as weaponizing the children. It happens in marriage breakdowns and in grandparent relationships.

Talk to a lawyer about getting a a trust to settle on your granddaughter when she is of age. Do not discuss it with your son. Do not discuss your estate with him at all. I have mad manipulative people in my family who have held a potential estate over my head as a way of trying to control my actions.

Here in BC there are limits on how much rent can be raised. Find out if there are any such limits in Santa Barbara and start charging them. If there are no rent increase restrictions, talk to a property management company to find out what market rent is. Explain the situation and ask them to take over as the property managers at fair market value. They will handle a new rental agreement and yes, they will charge a percentage, but you will net more each month.

You can explain to your son that you have three options to meet you bills, they pay market rent, your evict them and rent to someone who will pay it, or you sell and move into an independent living.

You have cancer, you do not need all this stress.