Daughter2951 Asked April 2019
I find it is very hard to have caregivers in the home I share with my 95 yo mother. It's been a year and I still am not comfortable.
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I may be just too picky with how others care for mom, if I leave for an errand, I come back and find things out of order, mom's needs not met, could I just be looking for reasons to not have the help?
I know I need a break at times, the worry while away just won't go away!
Any insight is welcomed.
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I can understand the rationale; in fact I lived it. When I was on the other end of the equation - taking care of Dad - I was resistant to the idea of bringing in hired help. No one could take care of Dad like I could. Not healthy for me, or for him either.
I did that with my Dad, and since he had 3 shifts per day, usually the 2nd and 3rd shift weren't always the same people. Dad only complained about one caregiver because she was on her cellphone most of the time. That's par for the course for anyone in their late teens or early 20's, they no longer know how to engage anyone with face to face conversation.... [sigh].
Even after my Dad moved to senior living, I would ask him if he could make any changes to the place what would he do. He said the place was perfect :)
Thus, it is important to know how the love one feels if they are able to communication their thoughts.
I sometimes work shoulder to shoulder with the CG guiding her through some tasks; even showing her some shortcuts. Often I'll start the washer before she even strips the bed because if I don't I end folding after she's gone. There are still some duties shes just not sure of after almost a year.
Or I'll be upstairs in my space cleaning or on the computer; sometimes making calls. I like the other posters idea of exercising. It all depends on what I've got going on and how I feel. I check out the downstairs cameras frequently. Mom is HOH so talks loud and consequently the CG does as well so I can usually ascertain what is going on. When there is silence I'll breeze downstairs with a "How's it going?" I always have the laundry excuse to show up as I want it done .<period>
Lately I'll talk with Mom or initiate her PT which the CG doesn't always get to. I find myself bringing the conversation back to Mom and her situation and needs thereby making her feel included and special.
So for those of you who have already read between the lines...yes...more gets done efficiently the way we want it done with me supervising without micromanaging.
That said she is a God send...Mom likes her except when she gets off track and starts the me- o- logue. Mom may be 95 but not too much gets past her.
I hope this helps...I'd hate to see you give up the help you need if this could be your solution.
It is your home, and rules need to be set and enforced.
Your mother has her own bedroom and bathroom? How big is the space?
You find things out of order. Where? In the kitchen because the caregiver made your mother something to eat?
What were the things the caregiver was supposed to do for your mom that he or she did not do? Bathe her? Dress her?
I use Seniors Helping Seniors and when I'm gone for 3 hours that's their minimum I arrive to my ninety-year-old mother smiling reading her poetry and her funny short stories to the retired 82 year old nurse and it's as though they grew up together best friends so definitely you are seeing what you're seeing for a reason ! Buy an adult baby monitors Best Buy/Amazon not expensive and you will see and hear what is really going on! If this a private agency please report to them what you're seeing ... they should reimburse you every dime you've spent this is not okay...I spend little more for a bonded caregiving company nationally respected because I work PT and have to be assured Mom is safe & having fun! Stay in touch with us you & your Mom deserve better!
With that said there are many caregivers that are very kind and caring.
Still, If you come home and the draws have been rifled through and such. Check to ensure nothing is missing.
Caregiver theft is a common complaint, particularly with medicare CNAs.
IMO, it is best to put hidden cameras in your home (it is your right to do so, in your home) if you suspect a caregiver is stealing, because without visual proof, it will be impossible to get, either a conviction in court, or to get the company to reimburse you the cost of the stolen items.
Also, in the future, I have advised my clients to ask the caregiver to sign a waiver (technically not necessary, if the cameras are in your home) with the point being that if the caregiver refuses to sign it, it would be a red flag for someone you should not hire.
I do the same with my household maids and workers. If they will not sign a waiver stating they do not mind be recorded with audio and cameras, while working, then I do not hire them. Again, the waiver is not legally needed in your own premise, but it is a way to weed out suspicious people.
If a person has nothing to hide, while working they will not care that my cameras and audio equipment are turned on while they are working.
Also, if you feel the caregiver is just neglectful, but honest, you can still ask for a new one until you find one that you feel is kindhearted and does fulfill her job requirements.
I got to exercise and ride my stationary bike. It was a terrible day, tornado warning so I couldn’t get out to run errands, drugstore and grocery like I had planned to do. Fortunately, the weather cleared before she left so she wouldn’t have to drive back home in it.
Second..realize that in order to be a good care giver, an effective one you NEED to have time for yourself.
When you say things are out of order..what do you mean? Have the cabinets been rearranged or is the chair out of place? Did a glass get put in the wrong cabinet or are all Mom's supplies in the wrong bathroom?
There should be or should have been written expectations from the start.
What you expect the caregiver to do, where things go, instructions that if something is "unknown" to leave it and ask what it is, where it goes...
"Sharing" space is difficult for everyone. It can be difficult when your Mom moved in with you and you are now sharing space with another adult that has their "quirks" or when an "adult" child moves back home after a year at college or when something happens in their life when they "need" to come back home for a while adjustments have to be made.
Remember that the caregiver is an EMPLOYEE and you are the EMPLOYER. Just like with your kid.....YOUR house YOUR rules. But keep it real. If when you say things are out of order what exactly is out of order and why. In the example above, if the chair is out of place is it because the caregiver moved it to be closer to mom or did she vacuum and moved the chair to get behind it? Or was it because she had better light so she could read while she ignored mom.
Worry will never go away. Just like your Mom worried when she dropped you off at school, she worried when you went to college, when you got your first job, had your first child and most likely if she were fully aware of what you were doing for her now she would worry about you....You need to temper the worry. The most important thing is making sure Mom is safe. And you are doing that.
Also important: in that year, how many different caregivers (roughly) have you and your mother met?
Need to explain "out of order". If this means they are into things they shouldn't be tell them. If Moms needs are they aren't changing her, you have a right to say something. You are paying them to care for Mom and its nor right you come home and have to do it.
I just wrote this on another post, aides are there to care for the client. If the client lives alone, then they should do dishes, a little light housework and laundry. But if there are people living with them, an aide is not under the obligation to do these tasks. Her job is caring for the client only. I worked for a Visiting Nurse Assoc and this is how our aides worked and so did the local Homecare agency.
When we had home health mom did not want very early visits.
I feel exactly as you do on this matter. They have to accommodate our schedule. Once in awhile we had to compromise if that was the only time that was available.
My 'best' client was an woman who wanted a specific type of CG and had gone through 4-5 in rapid succession. I was not expecting things to go well, going into the initial meet and greet.
Well, not that I am anything special--I just developed an immediate bond with her and we worked well together for the 2+ years before she had to be moved to a memory care place. I don't know why we 'worked' and others didn't.
I learned to adapt to HER, which is crucial. I had to communicate with the family a lot. I had to learn to hold my tongue at times.
Your CG should NOT be leaving behind messes for you to clean up. While I was not hired to 'clean' I did in fact leave a very clean home behind. She may not even be aware of this--that's why the communication is so important.
If you are truly unhappy with a CG, after giving them at least a decent trial run, ask for another.
Be aware that not everyone gets along with everyone--and also, check your standards. If Mom is happy and safe, and things are going well, maybe you have to overlook some personality quirks or traits.
And yes, it is hard to have someone else in the house. Maybe take that time to get out and see friends, take long walks, just relax for a bit. You've probably been 'on call' for so long you don't know how to 'relax'.
My concern as far as finding things out of order..is this...I explain that other CG need to use these items and looking all over the home is a bother to others as well...not just me.
It's not a chair out of place that's the issue.... it's finding, a special dish mother enjoys using and has a place of it's on, or searching for trays for serving that have been put or stored along with pans, in pantry etc. NOT on top of microwave where it is to be put.
I think it's a memory issue for one CG for sure.
Reminders, written or verbal do not help. And I wonder what other and possibly more important things are overlooked?
I an not a worrier, I just like things to not be redundant.
My time is valuable as is theirs.
The person who replaced her was very reliable and showed up every time. She was very sweet. Only one small issue, she was super obese and couldn’t put on my mother’s compression stockings. Guess it took too much energy for her. No big deal, I did that part for her.
The occupational and physical therapist were terrific.
I don’t believe in acting in haste. I give second chances but I would ask for a replacement for anyone that wouldn’t do a satisfactory job.
To keep from crashing and burning from exhausting, you need to hand over the reins to a professional caregiver who knows exactly what to do. They have been on this rodeo many times over, and we, the grown child, haven't.
I used a professional Agency for my Dad, also in his mid-90's, fall risk with just a start of memory issues. Dad was able to choose what caregiver he wanted for the day time shift, someone who had a similar childhood and who understood his play-on-words puns. This wonderful mature woman was with him for over year. Same the with day time weekend caregiver.
What are your concerns with the caregivers you are using? What are they missing? We do need to remember that everyone does things differently. I know my OCD would kick in if the saw the towels not folded the way I did, but I had to tell myself there were more important things to worry about now.
One thing I did, since I wasn't under the same roof with my Dad, I would only drop in to see Dad and caregiver maybe a couple times a week for no longer than 15 minutes. The only time I would give advice was whenever the caregiver had a question about Dad.
What are your expectations of the care givers? Does Mum allow them to perform care giving tasks, or does she want to wait until you get home?
If you do not get help, get out of the house, you will burn out and your health will be negatively impacted.
If by out of order you mean not done your way, example loading the utensils in the dishwasher standing up or down? They get clean either way, but I have friends and family that insist their was is right.
Or do you mean things are put away in unexpected places? Or just not done your way? I put away groceries for my sister in law once, I cannot remember why, but although I put things in the correct cupboards, I did not line them or turn them to her standards.
Or are things going missing?
I use cues, notes, schedules and CG just don't their way. So I find I stay home when they come to observe and suggest.
I've given in.