I am in my 60's, retired early because I was overseeing my Mom's needs.
Our family was close, but since my Mother's death a couple of years ago, my relationship with my two siblings is almost non-existent. I keep trying to reach out to them. One sibling and his wife have an attitude that they don't want to bother with anyone else's issues. The other sibling is handling his life, but now spends most of his time with his son who has stopped working.
I am single, no children, no close relatives anymore, and no close friends. I've tried joining groups, but every time there is an event, I back out. I have no interest in much these days. I've thought about getting part time work, but haven't tried hard enough. I've been shut up in my home the last year due to Covid. I basically sit in my recliner, watch TV or surf the net, and take naps all day. That's the extent of my life.
The past few years I have ALWAYS been the one to initiate getting together with relatives or friends. I can't take much more of this. I don't know what else I can do.
All this down time, there's no way anyone would ever earn that back, so the job description is a laundry list of what they need from several roles and they aren't even offering the payscale of a single role. I'm not going to promise to do it all, when it's obvious the position they are trying to fill has been recycled for decades. Some of these job descriptions they've been using and editing for years on end. Too funny, the local government attached a pdf for the job description to be downloaded. Someone was too lazy to clear the metadata of the original pdf. Turns out a county in FL, USA, several open positions that are temporary hires, have outright stolen the entire job description from another county in TN, USA. All they did was change the county name and logo.
Like you, I have felt lonely and isolated and abandoned because of my decision to care for MIL.
I chose to reach for happiness through Jesus. I go through my day expressing gratefulness for every little thing; thank you God for this coffee, it sure tastes good! Thank you God for this sunshine, it is so beautiful! Thank you God for this rain, it is so refreshing! Thank you God for my family memories, I sure had a good time when I was six...
At first, it is hard, because my heart was breaking. I felt I had lost so much.
But after awhile, I lost sight of the loss, and happiness crept back in. Soon, I was able to experience the "peace that passes all understanding" and "His unspeakable joy!"
It is kinda like Peter walking on water. As long as his eye was on Jesus, he did it! When Peter started thinking about his circumstances, he sank.
When your eye is on Jesus, you'll see more clearly the path you should take. A path that will lead to fulfillment, happiness, and purpose.
I do not crave.being with other people and am generally conten by myself, but I have enjoyed having to "gear up" on a regular basis for a casual level of social contact.
My mom has met lots of good friends at church where they go out and eat, talk and go to events together.
It can be hard to get out again when you feel you have no one. But be brave and go out, even if you do something small but with other people. Even a hike with the Sierra Club, or another club where there are other people who are either in the same situation or just want to get out and meet other people.
Try some new hobbies, join a new class, learn a new instrument or study a new
course. The world is at your feet; be confident; start big or small.
I feel you. I haven't lost my mom, but I too have no children and people that I thought were my friends I no longer hear from them. I take care of my husband and really the only close ones in my life is my mom. I have nephews and nieces, but never hear from them. So, I don't know if anything I say will actually give you comfort, but I do think you need to start getting out. Take baby steps and try to do something you enjoy. As far as family, I had to realize myself that I can't change my family. So, I try to remember to focus on things that I can change then do so, but things I can't change I pray about it. I try to Let Go and Let God handle it. Do I always succeed at what I just said, NO. Just take care of yourself and prayers are with you.
First, volunteer part-time at two different places so you don't feel tied to just one place, not like it and then you end up back to square one. So it must be 2 different interests and just a few hours a week for both. You can always expand this, but it's hard to decrease hours later. Start small.
Socially, you will meet people who are like-minded. You will find friends.
Then, start a dance club. So many folks in their 60's/70s loved to go to dances when we were young. They were fun, full of exercise, and inspiring. Everyone has a good time at a dance. In fact, if you wanted to jazz it up a bit, we hired younger (not too younger) men to come in and it was their job to dance with all of us because there were usually more women than men. We got everything donated, especially the church dance floor and the DJ to play all our old records. Did I really say, "records"? Oops.
What I will say is go to an event telling yourself you will only stay 5 to 10 minutes and then you can leave. At least you showed up and just maybe you will stay longer. At least you made the effort and that alone should make you feel proud of yourself.
That said, I exercise at home in front of my TV (there are youtube video's such as Leslie Sansone: walking, dancing video's, etc.). Exercise raises one's serotonin levels and makes one feel good!
Best to you,
Jenna
I would agree with you that sometimes friends can be better than family, though it is nice to keep in touch with family as long as it is not a toxic relationship.
I can identify with your feelings, I have felt that way a lot in the last few years. I know that even the simplest things can seem overwhelming. If you can get yourself to do just one simple thing, though, that can give you enough of a start to do something else. Try to fill your mind with enough other things that you can forget your siblings for as much as possible. They have already taken up enough of your life; don't let them have any more.
Think about maybe reading a book instead of watching tv. It doesn't seem like much of a difference, but you are more actively engaged when you read. I would recommend "West With the Night" by Beryl Markham. You can get it on Barnes and Noble. Every time I read the book I am inspired by this early woman pilot. It is a great memoir and will get you out of yourself for a while.
Another small thing that could make a big impact would be to look at what you are eating. Buy some fresh fruits and vegetables that you can just eat raw and plain for breakfast or lunch. That requires very little effort and will awaken your tastes. Most of us tend to eat carbs when we are depressed because they are easy and give some immediate pleasure, but they tend to contribute to that leaden, tired feeling.
And keep posting! We are here to help you through this. You are obviously a very good person and you deserve to get good treatment from yourself. Hugs.
You are fairly young and you have had recent experience in helping someone older and more frail than yourself. A Meals-on-Wheels visit or help in getting to a doctor can mean the world to someone who is homebound and alone.
It's possible that you suffer from depression. That could be why you back out of upcoming events and don't have interesting in anything. Also who you're taking naps all day.
Would you consider going to a therapist to find out if you have a mental health issue? Depression is real and should not go untreated.
Maybe your siblings and their kids would like to get together just for a visit. Like a cook-out or something. A family Get Together that will not involve anyone's issues or complaining, or hard feelings over the past. Just a visit. They might be into it.
It can be hard to make friends when people are older. The advice on this thread is some good stuff. Volunteering with different groups you're interested in can be a good start.
My mother who died from dementia after 20 or so years-- yes-- it affects/affected me--- but she in a Better Place and so should I be. YOU can even take a job working in a nursery with sweet little children reading to them.
SEE yourself a s a victor--- not a victim--live a real life-- take a vacation -- go to a beach with a friend... for a day or two.
Start eating better-- more fresh food-- ! Remember how food prep at home was a FAMILY THING ! Act like they are still there representing a spirit of fruitfulness !
IF the sibs are not available-- let it be and look for new friends ! Now-- do not be needful-- try and be a blessing to someone-- take 'em out to eat !
Soldier ON !
Do you have a pet ? If you can , consider adopting a kitten or pup to keep you company and give you another thing to care about. A dog might be nice because you can then take it for walks and maybe meet others with pets that way . Even if you don't meet anyone at least you'll have your little friend who will love you no matter what.
Start doing things for you , go see a movie , go have a nice lunch or look around and see if there are painting classes nearby or workshops you can join . Volunteer work at an animal shelter is also a great way to not only spend time with lots of lovely animals but also to meet people if you want .
If you're depressed, perhaps ask your doctor if they're anything you can take to lift you up a bit if needed . If you don't want to take meds , you need to get outside , one step at a time . Maybe a walk, start small , maybe if there's a park nearby you can get an ice cream and sit on a bench and people watch . Dip your toe , so to speak.
Speaking of watching , try to watch comedies or funny animal vids . It might sound silly but these can actually lift your mood if you do it often enough.
Focus on you and getting yourself happy and involved in something. Reading , a hobby , exercising, volunteer work etc It isn't easy but all you need to do is take baby steps and I think you'll find things will improve .
I socialize when walking trails. As well, I have been blessed with two cats that are the most lovable critters I have ever met. Then there is gardening. You would be amazed how many men and women you come in contact with at a garden center.
If you are always the initializer with your siblings I would cut them lose.
I have started taking Gaba and 5 htp. After a couple of weeks I started having energy and motivation. I have started going for walks and I even called an old friend. I no longer have friends after 7 years of not being able to make appointments or commitments and I never cared to talk to people because I had nothing to say other than dad's the same and I'm ok. Anyways after taking the supplements I have now started walking, I quit smoking, I built an above ground garden, I am learning to sew and I call my one friend. I didn't realize how bad my depression was until I was no longer depressed. I am not living my ideal life but heck most people aren't for one reason or another. I am enjoying my life to the best of my ability. If you feel you have depression please do what you can to overcome depression either a Dr. or supplements for raising seratonin levels.
https://www.upworthy.com/woman-shares-therapists-mental-health-tip-for-doing-dishes