His parents have traveled the world and were snowbirds for seven years. They were not caretakers of their own parents. Now they are elderly and call my husband over several times a week for assistance, mostly with banking and technology problems. Sometimes I feel he is summoned over for the most simple tasks just for the company. We are also their only source of entertainment/socialization. He happily does and calls his mom everyday. We plan outings and take them out to eat. They come over to our house and just hang out while he works from home.
He has asked me to retire or cut my clientele in half so that we can travel. I have agreed but feel he is creating a unnecessary level of dependency both practically and socially to allow travel. When I try to talk to him about encouraging independence as long as possible, he gets very defensive and I come off looking like the selfish bad guy. He is the only child available to provide care.
When either of us bring up travel, his mom gets very uncomfortable and begins asking how long we’ll be gone.
Do I just need to be supportive and sacrifice the life they were able to enjoy at our age?
#2 You take time off for trip.
#3 You inform parents of departure and return dates. Tell, don’t ask. Minimize discussion.
#4 Together you leave on trip.
#5 Observe parental fallout. When you return, how did they manage?
If you do not take the trip because of them, then surely he will have to acknowledge the problem. Big, ugly talk needed.
Ever ask them how their own parents coped while they were gallivanting about?
It's actually very selfish of his parents to think otherwise.
Until you and your husband are on the same page I would certainly not retire or cut your clientele in half, only to find yourself now at his parents beck and call as well.
Time for an honest, heart to heart talk with your husband and be open about your concerns. They are valid, and are not selfish. It's his parents who are selfish and perhaps even your husband if he's willing to put them before you and your future together as husband and wife.
I wish you the very best in getting hubby on the same page.
Married to a loving, dedicated to family guy. A great guy.
You married him - not his parents. Four in a marriage is way too crowded.
The loving family, yet enmeshed, parents becoming needier with aging. This happens. Just wait until real illness strikes too! He moves them in without your say.. or goes to be their live-in man-servant.
Occasionally I get whiffs of this cake being prepared... you have that cake already cooked, decorated & plated up! Served daily. Forever. Or..
Marriage counselling. Stat.
Husbands sometimes need a third party to explain the facts of life. That choosing parents over wife = a single man.
Be very careful. You're already providing a level of socialization and entertainment that they could provide for themselves. Why don't they? Probably because husband is always ready, they know he'll satisfy their every need. This will get worse.
You could have an honest conversation with the parents and tell them that more travel is in your future. "But what will WE do?" they will say. And you say that maybe they'd enjoy life in a retirement community to fill the gap that you're no longer able to fill for them. Frankly, I don't see why they'd be happy hanging out at your house so often. Or why they wouldn't want to have friends their own age to have fun with.
It isn't selfish to want the best for yourself. If you wait for parents to die before you travel, you may never go. They could outlive you! Or you could be too sick to go - it only takes a heart attack or a stroke to stop ease of travel.
Where are your H's siblings?
You do know that your H doesn't have to be available to provide care, either, right? Is part of the plan that you retire so that you can help him provide an increasing amount of care to his parents?
I’m fairly sure there won’t be a win-win here, but to other readers, let this be a cautionary tale: start heading off any clinging parental behavior EARLY ON (like, maybe, the minute you get married!) Don’t start doing things you don’t want to do, period. Deflect. Go Gray Wall. Learn to say, “Sorry, can’t do that!”
You got married, so you married into a family that has problems that can be managed. It's up to you to set your rules.
I remained single, mostly because of my own disability problems. I may have to live alone, but I do not have to get into trouble dealing with in-laws.
Set up a weekly dinner with them. Bring it over or take them out. Make the time to help with their little problems either before or after. Lots of hugs and see you next week. Daily phone calls to check in are fine, but daily visits mean they are no longer able to be independent. It may be time to look for a change of living arrangements for his parents, and NOT into your home.
Loving AND common sense.