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Inch your way to get out to do something for yourself. Start out by going to a neighborhood mall or restaurant just to sit and relax and learn to breathe again. Tell you mom you have you cell phone on and you're just around the corner if she needs to get ahold of you. This is what I do and it makes all the difference in th world. Blessings!
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It always makes me feel good when people suggest going to a therapist or counselor. That is what my work is, and I have quite a few clients who really need to learn how to set limits with others (not just elderly loved ones). I will openly admit that it's taught me to be better about doing that, myself. When I hear myself working with someone who 'can't say no' or feels guilty if they do, or puts themselves last all the time, it's a reminder to myself to do the same.
But sometimes, maybe most of the time, we need to hear someone tell us it's OK to: stop feeling guilty, say no and mean it, stop being a doormat, stop waiting for others to pitch in, etc, etc. This forum is excellent, but having your own special person and time, to be 'heard' and helped, is priceless. I have my own therapist, too. Most of us in this profession do, because we know it helps. We find the time or make the time to go and unload our heads and hearts. Do it for yourself.
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My MILlives with us and has dementia. My wife and I have very little time together as her mother is demanding. I know it is the dementia,but that doesn't make it easy. I wish I had an answer for you. We tried to set limits which she ignores unless one of us happen to be in the room.
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HI Kevin,

I just wanted to mention that "Give a Hug" is an option, not a name. The names are above the "Give a Hug." If you click on "Give a Hug," you will see that you can send a little "hug" and message.

Hang in there. It sounds like you really have your hands full. It is so cool that this site let's us talk over so many miles! I am in central Pennsylvania--just a few stops before the end of the universe..
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I agree with the majority of the comments here. When we are at a standstill, a therapist can help sort things out. We need to set boundaries but it's very hard to do with aging parents who are controlling. Yet, without that - where are you? Please do find someone to discuss the details of your life and your relationship with your mother so that you can figure out appropriate boundaries or alternative care for her, if needed.

Please check back often and let us know how your are doing.
Carol
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Many, many people feel this way in this situation and with justification. After all, your priorities have slid down the pole and are probably at the bottom. but it is no way to face the next years and, of course, we do't know how long that will be.

So, first step, as has already been mentioned her, go to a therapist. I did and all I could say was: what was i waiting for? It helped so much. and I still go if I need to.
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I have lived with my ma and dad for 9 years, due dad's alzheimers. I was his everything, and I would do it again for dad, but we lost him Jan 13, 2015. During that period through out the years,, i did the same for mom, she is capable, but wanted me to not have a life, she wanted me to be on her every begging call. I was, till arguements starded between us, and told her,, not only do i feel i am at a standstill, but she made me feel like i was in jail. They get to a certain age and feel it is our job now since they took care of us growing up. Dad, had no choice. with dad gone, now it is my sister's turn to take care of my mom, and for me to "get a life"...it is a phase of a co dependant with the spouse ill or gone. Going through it now too since dad is gone...Saying no is ok, u are sending boundries, which i would of wish i would of done.. i hope this helped.. prayers and hugs
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Give A Hug keep your chin up our siblings deserted us when Wendy started her Fronto Lobel Dementia If I can help my e-mail address is above Best Wishes Kevin
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Oh, I forgot to mention that I have re-joined my local YMCA, I'm working out every day running and swimming and I also have a hand made card hobby and lots of friends, this activities really help me stay mentally and physically balanced, otherwise, I would be a total wreck.
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For what I gather by the limited information you gave in your note, either you live with your mother or she lives with you but, regardless of whom house it is, you are the care giver and things need to be done your way. Please let us know what age is your mother, why are you caring for her. Does she have any illnesses like dementia or any other debilitating disease? What about your siblings or her siblings. Who is paying for her needs? Can she afford to hire someone to help out or maybe go to an assisted living facility?
Look, caring for an elderly parent with mental illnesses is hard and frustrating, there is no way to disguise it so you need help and also, and probably more important, you need to help yourself stay healthy both physically and mentally or else you wont be able do what it's needed.
Please, when you read this answers, let us know a bit more of your situation so we can give you some advise. I'm just telling you this because I have my 91 year old mother with dementia living with my husband and I since February of 2012. I'm the only one caring for her personally every day but my husband of 41 years and my youngest daughter, who lives next door, help a lot, my siblings have totally forgotten about us, they don't give a rat's a... about this situation so I stopped asking, I haven't talk to either of them in more than 2 years.
You need to find a way to do something you love to do, if you don't take care of yourself, you wont be able to care for your mother.
I hope you can give us a bit more information.
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Yes you may feel you are at a standstill I am in Adelaide Sth Aust Australia looking after my wife with Fronto Lobal dementia we are both 72 doctor says Wendy only has 6 to 12 months. I saw a counsellor 3 weeks ago and visit him weekly he has been very helpful You may wish to correspond on with me
Yes you have to assume control and keep track of things this does involve a lot of work and some people tell me I am a control freak But if I didn't keep a strict diary for carers and doctors and health people plus my own now very much reduced
activiities life would be totally out of control.
Sorry to ramble on but there is life at end of tunnel
Best Wishes Kevin
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Whether Mom is living with you, or the other way around- you need to establish boundaries for what you feel is reasonable. It's not unusual that she's trying to stay in control of her life (which may be right down to those meals and chores) but you must also assert your ability to control your own life, then do it. Even if she's always been controlling or stubborn, even if you've allowed it to be that way- you don't have to put your life entirely on hold. You can change that.
Figure out what you are willing and able to do, and what you are NOT willing or able to do, then make those limits clear. It might help you to write down (for your own benefit) what those limits are, so you will stick to them yourself. Maybe you and Mom will agree on certain things, but she will balk at others. You have to be firm about this. She won't change right away in her expectations but once she sees that you won't be pushed around, she will adjust because she will have to.
Expect her to resist. It helps if you ask her what's the most important few things to her, because then she won't feel like you're ramming a whole new regime down her throat. You might have to start with a few limits, then gradually add more. Keep the goal in your mind of being the one who is really in charge.
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Not clear if you and mom live together or how much help she needs? Does she have the means to hire outside caregivers who will do it her way? Would she be happier in a group living situation? Tell us more.

If you are an adult and are in your own home, then things are done your way.
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