I feel like I’m close to a nervous breakdown but there is no escape :( Any advice?

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I feel like I’m close to a nervous breakdown but there is no escape :( Any advice?

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I completely understand what you are going through and experiencing. I had to set boundaries and create time for me. I had to work diligently on accepting the reality of the situation (books like the power of now and youtubers that support your spirital awakening like Aaron Doughty and Trent Shelton- I strongly suggest taking a look at their videos and guidance) I was often "resisting" the reality of the situation bc I wanted it to change- I realized then the only thing I could do to help me was CHANGE the way I perceived the situation- the problem is NEVER the problem itself, it is always your reaction to the problem. I was then able to let go of the pain and suffering of caregiving and the enormous toll it was taking on me in ALL areas of my life.

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You've done nothing wrong. Do you know why you feel that way, to begin with? If your brain senses you just sacrificing your own needs for someone else's, then it'll tell you it's time to move on or change something. It doesn't mean you don't love your mother, but try to make some time for yourself. You can't let your parents absorb all of your time needed for the basics. Put down some ground rules, and make plenty of time for yourself. Your parents are going to need to hire some help if they don't like that, but you can't just stop working out, working a full-time or part-time job for spending money, or cutting off anything else you need in order to help them. It's just not practical.

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I know exactly how you feel and how utterly hopeless it can be when there is no way out and no workable answer. I have struggled to maintain a functional relationship with my elderly mother who is demanding, often abusive and shows no gratitude or appreciation for the years I have invested in her well being. My siblings take no part in sharing the workload and see me as being insensitive if I complain. This infuriates me and I find myself retreating from them as I know my mother feeds off this support. It's a toxic cycle that keeps on repeating. The biggest mistake I made was moving into the family home after my father died, to help my mother continue her later years in comfort without having to sell and this decision was supported by my 2 siblings. I never thought 20 years later I'd still be here and trapped. I'm in my early 60s and my mother is in her 90s. I stupidly assumed my siblings would step in and allow me to have a life, but people are unbelievably selfish when it comes to sharing family responsibilities. I never married so I am the one assigned to be the caregiver, everyone else is too busy with their families. Despite her advancing years, my mother is in good health and mobile but she refuses to cook her own food or do anything that requires an effort. I have threatened to walk out but if I leave my siblings will probably persuade her to sell, which means they will profit not me. I have a bad relationship with them now and I don't trust them. In some ways I think they would be glad to see me move out for this reason. All of this could be avoided if my mother wasn't so selfish and didn't focus on herself all the time. For now, there's no sign of that changing and I just see time disappearing like sand through my fingers. Time I can never get back. : (

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Once again, Nightingale, it's the old saw---"oh, you're not married, you have no responsibilities, so YOU take full responsibilities." I've seen it over and over and over again. I want to shout it from the mountaintops: JUST BECAUSE A PERSON IN UNMARRIED IT DOESN'T MEAN THEY DON'T HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES. My situation is slightly different from your situation, I have no siblings, no spouse, no kids so that everything falls squarely on me and there's no complaining about it. But it would be so much worse if I had to face lazy, siblings who hold you as "less than" because you didn't marry and spawn.

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I am in your shoes. My mother doesn’t live with us, but she lives a few doors down from us. She has been here for 10 yrs! She is 95 yrs old now. She has always been dependent on me because she is blind, and can’t go out in her own. She lassoed me in early-on to be her slave. We brought her down here when my dad went into a nursing home and passed away. Biggest mistake not only for us but for her too. Because I wanted to give her a good life here, she soon took over our lives. And she was a bully. To make a long story short, after 5 yrs of being an indentured servant, I developed CANCER. I know it was from the stress! My message to anyone considering moving their parents into their home or close by, is think long and hard about it! If I could go back, I would have told my mother to sit back and think about things before we made the move. (She lived 350 miles away). I would have opted - in hindsight - she go into an assisted living situation near us where she would have friends and she would have received assistance when needed. Instead she tried to bully us and make us be her social life. It just doesn’t work. I had to put up boundaries. I am still treating for my cancer almost 5 yrs later. Mom is on hospice now. She is isolated and friendless in her remaining months because of Covid and because she never really tried to make friends here. They need to stay on their own path and make a go of their life - and if they need help, a nursing home, asst living, or senior housing is the answer.

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Wow, you have really been thru it! So sorry for your cancer diagnosis. Amazing how stress can affect our bodies, minds, and lives!!! Mom is 95? Is placing her now a option? I will keep you in prayers. My mom lives with me but she has always been so independent that I know she doesn't like to ask for help. She is declining and I have no clue how to handle watching her fade away. I got set up with therapist but it doesn't start til March 23. I know it will help a lot. Socially isolated while caregiving & covid is just horrible!! I love this site because we all get it. Take care:)

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Overloaded21...I hear you and understand. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I wish I could help you but maybe by reading this post you know you are not alone.

You are a selfless person...obviously and I'm sure your mom appreciates all you are doing and you are setting such a great example for your two children. At 10 and 12 years of age, they see what you are doing and the sacrifices you are making and continue to make. Bless you.

Try to take care of yourself although I know how hard it is. I lost over 18 pounds while caring for my ailing parents who both passed within the last two years. I'm down to 101 pounds but the consolation is I did what I had to do to take care of them as you are doing for your precious mom. I was with both of them the moment they went "Home". It was devastating but I would never, ever trade those two moments when I was there for both of them in their time of need.

Please try to stay positive. You WILL be okay.

I'm here if you need to talk.

Praying for you.

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Dear Billiegoat,

It was lovely to read your elegant, thoughtful response.

It's the hardest thing I have ever done, but I know I am a much better person for it. I will remember it as a positive experience.

Wishing you a lovely day and all the best.

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You're in the midst of a nightmare. You will make it through and it will end. You will then see how good a person you've been for doing all you can. Take care.

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Dear Overloaded,

My heart goes out to you. I understand all too well how you are feeling. My father is 91 now and has dementia and many other conditions. I'm no spring chicken and the physical work is starting to get to me. I moved in a year ago to help, pre-Covid. My brother already lived with my dad, and won't help with anything to do with my father. I had a breakdown last year and learned a lot from it, the most important being to put myself first.

It was hard to realize at first, but I did realize that what is happening to my dad isn't happening to me. I was letting myself suffer in an effort to ease his, got completely caught up in how I thought things should be, I tried to fix everything, be there in an instant, micro-manage everything, etc. The breakdown awoke in me the realization that I have the opportunity to choose how I am going to respond to everything that I allowed to break me. I take my time doing things now, centre myself when dad calls, to the way that I move; I get there, but it's at my own speed. (My father told a PSW that he likes to push my buttons and aggravate me. He didn't know I overheard. But it sure turned things around for me! :) ) The breakdown also showed me that I needed to clean the slate and start over. Why did I choose to do this in the first place? (A sense of duty? Because my mother told me I had to when I was young? Because it's what we do, my parents took care of me... etc?) To help my dad live in comfort, safety, and dignity at the end of his life. I need to live with comfort, safety, compassion, dignity, too. Do I have to do this? My father needs 24/7 care. I need 24/7 care too! The person who knows what I need at all times is me.

Women are amazing people. We are strong and we are human. We know ourselves the best and it's 100% important to take care of ourselves first, delegate, rest, walk outside, laugh with friends, be compassionate and caring, guilt-free.
So grateful for this forum and to read all your stories. I wish you all the best.
XO

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So good you have found this forum so you can at least express your frustrations and your distress. Husband, kids, FT job, bad-attitude Dad, and declining mother would truly be an overload for anyone. Underlying everything you are trying to do is your grief and sadness watching your mother "wind down.". Do your best to keep your mother safe and comfortable. Are you able to hire any part-time help to attend to your mother so you can have some time with your husband and children?

A caregiving support group might help you find other people who really understand your situation. Given all you are trying to do, an online forum like this one might have to do for now. I can't imagine you have much time for in-person meetings anywhere.

Appreciate whatever time you have left with your mother. Arrange breaks for yourself and family time if you can. While you are still able to work FT, that is at least a break from care taking, and lets you be in a different environment for part of the day. Is your work something you enjoy?

Make choices as wisely as you can about what you are eating, how much you are able to exercise, and what time you spend with your husband and kids. Positive choices even for small things can give you some confidence and hope.

Keep "talking" to us.

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Burn out is REAL! I too have been neglecting my own medical needs. Newly diagnosed with MS while caring for my Dad. Hugs to you from a distance.

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I am placing you on my prayer list.

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I feel your pain as I’m also watching my mom leave in a slow motion. It is very overwhelming. I’m trying my best, but most days this isolation makes it twice as difficult. Try to get outside help. Pray a lot. Find time for YOU. Take breaks away from the situation. Cry when you need to! Big hug. You’re not alone.

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I am not there yet, but my FIL’s needs are becoming more and more time consuming. I will be glad when the weather warms up because I NEED to be outside working in the garden and such, but at this point he will have to come out with me. Maybe I can find small, easy things for him to do. Being cooped up with winter and COVID is awful. When DH runs errands he used to take his dad, but with COVID that isn’t an option for now.

I have health issues and a son with epilepsy so I have to take some time away from it all and recharge. My MIL was dx with cancer and passed away 4 years ago, I wonder how much the stress of caring for my FIL affected her.

Anyway, every 3rd night or so, I let DH take over. I eat dinner by myself turn on a movie, make a cocktail, and have a good soak in the tub. Every morning I get up an hour before he does and take time to enjoy my coffee, pray and just have me-time. At 9 pm my FIL goes to bed. My DH used to invite him to stay up if we wanted to be up later but I nixed that fast! DH and I need the time alone too.

DH wanted to take FIL on vacation with us, but has since changed his mind (thank God). We all need the break.

Gotta keep a balance. On nice days, I walk, sometimes with my FIL, we both enjoy it and it really lifts our spirits.

anyway, take care of yourself. When it gets too hard for me, I will insist on a live in caregiver at least overnight. And I’m not against memory care if/when he gets to the point his care is too difficult

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I am so sorry you are going through the overwhelming stress that you are facing!! This site is good for venting to others who totally understand and can commiserate whole-heartedly with you. I totally understand the guilt you are feeling and the burnout. I had to start seeing a therapist because I too felt like I was going to break-down. I’m considering bringing my mom home from an assisted living due to her continued loneliness there and her increasing cognitive decline due to that. I hope you can find some peace and relief here. This process is so very difficult!! Hugs to you!

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I get what you are going thru. My 95 year old mom lives with my husband and me. Physically she is fine, but mentally she is like a toddler. Before the dementia started,,she begged that I never put her in a nursing home. I'm feeling that she cannot be left alone for more than a few hours. She is also paranoid and delusional at times. My husband says he is trying to be understanding, but she could be with us for years. I have also told my daughter that I don't want her to go thru this with me. If I have to go to a nursing home, put me there.

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Hi! Many of us know exactly how you feel. Wow, it's too much! I have a few thoughts - one is counseling. If possible, find a good therapist. I find it extremely helpful! Two, get in-home assistance ASAP. Three, stop with trying to make people happy right now. Leave that up to them! They need to leave you alone for a while and take care of themselves. Be kind to yourself. Let things go that can go. Choose wisely on where to put your energy. Lastly, my advice to you is something that I found extremely important - communicate to your family how you feel and what you are going through as clearly and concisely as you can. They need to understand your needs so they can actively be a part of all these troubles. Your family needs to unite in supporting you and your mother! I hope for the best possible outcome. I hope soon you can put yourself first and engage is SELF CARE. You will be more successful taking care of others once you take care of yourself. Keep us posted!

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You've received some terrific answers and suggestions. What a lovely group. I just joined and your words echo what I felt at the end of last year. I had both parents living with me. Mother has advanced dementia and Dad had major physical issues plus some dementia. Mom had always been violent and unpleasant, but after a stay in a psychiatric hospital she received excellent meds and is now sweet. Once that was stabilized, my father revealed his unpleasant nature. I felt exactly like you and resorted to hiding in my bedroom. He died suddenly and peacefully before Christmas. While Mom is still a major handful, she's pleasant. If you can place your father somewhere, I'd recommend it.

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"Better living through Chemistry" (Remember that ad from decades ago?) I always think of that when medicines work! What kinds of medicines calmed your mother's behavior and attitude? I am so glad they worked for her.

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Overloaded,

I know with Covid the timing is not ideal , however there are agencies that can provide in home respite care.

You can contact your local Council on aging for assistance.

Maybe you and your family could get away for a long weekend!

Trust me when I tell you that you NEED to take care of yourself!!
I didn't heed the warnings!
Last year I was diagnosed with colon cancer, had a stress fracture in my foot and had to have major spine surgery.

If you're not seeing a therapist, I would highly recommend it. Also talk to your Doctor about medication to help you with depression/ anxiety.

Praying that you find a way to care for yourself! Your hubby and your children want to around!🙏🙏🙏

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I feel you and am struggling as well though my mom is still living on her own (probably another year). As hard as it is, I can't even imagine what it is like for you.

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Why is it your responsibility to make everyone else happy? It's not. Take a look at all of what you do and prioritize it. Then set limits/boundaries. Your family can come together to help when you tell them that you can't do it all and that you give them a list of what you will do. For example, they can do the kitchen routine a few days a week. If they don't step up, they don't eat. Can you talk to your boss and take a day off weekly or every other week for a month or two? Set boundaries with your dad and don't take the abuse. Let hospice social workers work with him. I don't know the situation so I can go into strategies.

Is hospice involved? They come to your home and can help you with care for your mother and perhaps do respite care which means they will place your mother in a facility for 3 days so you can catch your breath. The social worker can help you organize your life while the CNA's can do physical care for your mother. Caregivers who set no boundaries become ill either during or after the death from multiple stressors such as fatigue, stress, anticipatory grief and so on.

You are not a victim in your caregiver role.

Peace,
Mark

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Going through the same thing

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Giving attention to your own physical and mental health is an important part of taking care of those who need you. If you are not in adequate condition yourself, you will be of no help to others.

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Im so sorry and know exactly how you feel. Me too! I took care of my parents for 9 years...now my husband has dementia..and i am burnt out and to be truthful, exhausted with no let up in sight. No one to help me kids and my sibs are all in other states.

I have no words of wisdom...but want you to know I feel for you...I know what it’s like to have your health go down hill trying to help and keep everyone happy.

I will put you in my prayers and if i were in person i would hug you.

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You have to ask yourself why are you being a martyr. Maryrs usually die in the stories we hear about them. You need to get a backbone and stop being a door mat. Your head is telling you to feel guilty. You need to stop your brain in its tracks. If you can't be yourself in your own home, you nedd to move them out. Or I would tell them you are bringing people in. That way you get a break. And you take time for you. You can be in the house but do something else. Take the kids for a walk. Sledding. Relaxing in a bath. Doesnt matter. What matters is you get much needed down time.

Id also stand up to your dad and tell him to knock it off, or he can leave and you will help him. You shouldn't have to be on pins and needles around him. Set him straight. Your tolerating it and its making you miserable.
I had to take my dad in. He thought he would watch TV 16hrs a day and I would deliver meals to the chair he sat in. I told him wrong.
I told him he will be part of the family, eat meals in the kitchen/dining room and he will have nice conversation. Hes not going to be a lump in a chair. Im not the maid and I dont cater. He wanted 3 hot meals a day. I said no. He doesn't cook for himself. But I'm supposed to?
So you have to put your foot down. Tell him how the house will be run going foward. If he doesn't like it there is the door. You won't accept being grumpy or whatever he is doing. My husband noticed an immediate change and appreciated it.
So can you. Take a stand! If u have to find a place for them nearby do so. You dont need to get sick taking care of them.

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Your first priority needs to be YOU. You can't/shouldn't help anyone else until you take care of yourself. I would talk with a eldercare attorney to make sure that you have the things needed to deal with your parents - will, POA, possible trust, living will so you have the authority to deal with your parents. Talk with parent's doctor to see what their diagnosis/prognosis is; Talk with your local Hospice and avail yourself of their services[most have several program resources; consider getting some counseling for yourself and possible you husband who needs to be involved; talk with your local religious official if you have one. Make sure you know what your parents have in the way of finances. consider putting your parents in some type of assisted living - finances permitting. Do you have other family/friends who mighty be able to help out? STILL MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO IS TAKE CARE OF YOUSELF AND YOUR FAMILY. Sometimes, the hardest thing is get get started so consider making a list of the things you need to do - put them in priority and START- Once you do that it should become a little easier.
Best of luck to you and your family

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Thank you for your comments.
Many people do not learn how to set boundaries or even know what self-care is as they have / we have been taught to put others' needs ahead of our own. This destroys or never allows self-esteem to be built up or felt.

We are very lucky to have this forum - and people LIKE YOU sharing support. This society doesn't support making our self our priority. Be it religion or some other messaging we get. If we do not make our self the 'most important person in our life,' we will suffer and so will others as we are not available to an/other/s until we are whole beings.

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You will have a nervous breakdown if you don't come up with a plan and set limits. -If you have siblings tell them to help ASAP. Send them to stay with them for a month or so.
-Find out the nearest place for 3 day stints in Hospice or Day Care for Adults
-Immediately sit your Dad down and tell him exactly how you feel. If he acknowledges his bad behavior and apologizes, tentatively go forward, if he outright denies his behavior, call he on it and set the rules in your house. Explain, just like you had to follow the rules at his house when you grew up, he will have to follow the rules at your house or suffer the consequences: finding a new place to stay or be isolated in his room as you have children to care for and you will not be retreating to your room anymore. You are raising your children with discipline and expect better from an adult. There will be no down talking to you, dismissiveness of your rules or your feelings. Sometimes, even we adults need to be shown the error of our ways.
-Find an agency or caregiver to come in so that your family can go on vacation! Go without guilt! It's important to keep fun memories in your children's upbringing.
If your Mom is that close, you may want to tough it out without moving her, but if physically her care is beyond your ability, it is best to place her where she can be taken care of properly.

Hope this helps. Praying for you and your family.

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Please contact focus on the family, they will help you get the resources you need.

I agree, I want to die with all my abilities or die.

Old age can be a curse. Everyone of moms friends are suffering but too stubborn to die.

Being a care giver, we are the most abused group in the country, and it does not matter what country you live in.

My best stress releaser is prayer. Jesus loves you. Jesus cares, Jesus is always there.

You are on my prayer list and I will pray for you every morning.

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My heart aches for you. You sound way too young to be in this situation and to be losing your mom too. The guilt is overwhelming, I know. I feel like you are living my old life. If I could go back 31 yrs ago when my mom was dying with a dad who was and is a a$$hole, I would spend every moment I could with her. Making memories, videos, talk to her, record her voice, read to her, or just sit. Your house will survive the chaos, your husband will be fine as will your kids. Just know that you are an amazing person for giving your parents this gift. ❤️❤️

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"when we give, we are not the giver, but the witness of Life giving to itself"
You rock

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You are putting everyone else in front of your own needs - for survival and functioning. You need to put yourself first or you may have a breakdown.
* Guilt and other emotions that pull on your emotions and psychological needs/history, need to be examined. You need to address your self-esteem, your feelings about your self-worth.
* Until you feel solid in yourself, you will continue to split your feelings - and rationalize - everyone elses needs as 'more important' than your own survival and well being.
* I'm talking touch love here. Not easy to say and not easy to do. However, you see the results of your thought patterns and behavior now - it will only go down hill until and unless you address these needs NOW.
* IF YOU ARE NOT WHOLE 'ENOUGH' IN YOURSELF, how will you continue to be there / available to your mom?
STOP -
ACCESS -
SET BOUNDARIES -
MAKE DECISIONS -
LEARN HOW TO CARE FOR YOURSELF -
LEARN TO REALIZE YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON TO YOU, first.

____________ Contact a friend or relative who is in your corner
____________ You need support from someone to shift from where you are now

* Making changes at this point will be very difficult for you due to your years or decades of conditioning and your mind-set. It'll likely go against all your feelings and behaviors up to now. However, you need to make some major life decisions otherwise, you will continue to suffer.
P.S. [stop taking] Don't take any B.S. or disrespect from anyone.
Remember this saying: "you teach people how to treat you."

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My mom will be 90 in April. I moved my mom into our home 23 years ago.
This was not my game plan, being 38 years of age and with 2 children.
My husband is an amazing person, and it was actually his idea, I have the sweetest mom with a kind heart. I too see myself at times stuck and have had to incorporate my mom into my life. I see my mom happy and thriving, and with minimal memory loss. If for any reason this want working,i would find another alternative. I myself refuse to be miserable. I for one would never watch my
in-laws they are both argumentative. My husband even said.i will not ask you to do soothing,i wouldn't do myself. Would i ask my kids to repeat the favor, Never Its a true act of love and kindness, but not an obligation. My daughter in law an N.P, all i would ask of her is to make sure my pills are accurate, I am not taking something that will harm me. I wish you all the best. My mom health has never come before mine. I walk everyday to clear my mind. I read to see other places.
I garden to feel nature. I love my mom but,my husband and my children never came last, i still come first. I am a grandma of 4 and will always make time for them. You just need to sit down and explore other avenues, but you need to put yourself first at some point. You are valuable to your family, Sending big hugs.

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I feel your pain. I'm caring for my mom. She is 95 and moved in with me on Christmas Day. I'm her youngest and live alone. Serendipitously, I lost my job of 25 years 2 weeks prior. I thought I was ready. I was horribly wrong. She wandered outside in the middle of the night without shoes or a coat during her first week with me. A few door alarms, motion detectors, and call buttons later we are both trapped in my tiny house due to COVID fears. The experience has been an odd mix of relief and grief, searing reality and disbelief, relief and anger, joy and depression. I have 4 siblings, but feel completely isolated. I thought having others around might ease the loneliness, but I see from your account that new factors when their roles come into play. I guess there is no easier way to care for a loved one while watching him or her deteriorate. I'm going to think of the things I want to say to encourage you in an attempt to encourage myself. Please think of how you would encourage me. We have the power and obviously the love regardless of how we might feel in the moment.

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That is a very positive way to try to uplift one another! Would love to and will begin thinking of encouraging, supportive thoughts and goals. It IS often more than overwhelming, I think trying to have some quiet when possible. Visualize peace and calm, however that looks/feels to you. Pray and pray again. I will pray for us just as it stands this moment.

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I am in your shoes. Advice is advice, sometimes it is helpful, sometimes not so much. You are not alone, our parents keep on living, no one is adequately prepared, it was never a part of our plans. You are brave you are looking for support, find more, many options are unaffordable, many are not but figure it out today so you are freer. I do not believe in God but I do believe in the basic order of priorities: spouse, children, parents. Make sure your decisions are in alignment with that no matter how pressing the demands of your parent. You are not alone: talk to cashiers, pharmacists, customer phone reps, we are everywhere!

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I feel like I’m close to a nervous breakdown but there is no escape :( Any advice?

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