I feel horrible for being an old nag to my parent, and I've become impatient at times. I'm feeling so guilty. Advice?
I find myself overly repeating myself to my parent, and drinking water stays hydrated, stopping turning the air conditioner off and the fans. We have severe hot weather. It is so hot in the house. I turn the fans and air conditioner back on and tell him to leave them on. I keep repeating he could end up in the hospital from heatstroke or exhaustion. He gives me a look. He barely eats dinner but will eat two big slices of pie or Ice cream. He always has a smart comment when I say something about the news or politics etc.. he never tells me he loves me back when I tell him I love him. I feel horrible as I tend to nag too much with many worries, constantly reminding him to be careful of almost every situation. I feel like I'm not good enough because I lose my patience by repeating and answering with a frustrated tone of voice. He can be so stubborn and stares back at me, gunning me off, or he can sulk at times. He has always been stubborn and an introvert. When he sulks, I feel so bad and go out of my way to make him feel better. Sometimes I think it is a game he is playing, trying to make me feel bad. I'm starting to think I'm a control freak, and I feel guilty and not good about myself. My husband says I baby him too much. Maybe I do. I hope someone can give me some good feedback. I seem to come here every time I am feeling guilty and frustrated and depressed, I guess. Is it normal for your parent to get on your nerves sometimes, and why do I feel so guilty.
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I can tell though, if is completely normal to work on each other’s nerves! It doesn’t matter how much we love someone, we can have differing opinions, different personalities and so on. We can simply be tired of being a caregiver. Do you have any help with your caregiving responsibilities?
Too much togetherness can cause our nerves to become frayed. Do you have time for yourself or time alone with your husband, family members and friends?
By the way, your husband is most likely correct in his observation of your behavior regarding your relationship with your dad. I know that my husband picked up on a lot of my behavior and would lovingly mention certain things to me. Sometimes, I agreed with him and recognized what he observed, other times, I couldn’t see anything. I was on autopilot, just going through the motions.
You know, if you sense that you are hovering a bit too much, try easing up a bit. I absolutely hate if someone hovers over me. There is a difference between being concerned and smothering someone. You don’t have a reason to feel guilty. I think you are sad that things are different than in the past and you are blaming yourself. No one is to blame, least of all you. You are your dad’s loving daughter and caregiver.
I wish you peace and joy as you navigate your way through this challenging time in your life.
Provide jug & glass of water within his reach. If water is not prefered, offer juice or cordials as well.
Set the aircon & fans on. Consider taping over the switches to make it hard for him to turn off.
His sulks are his concern. Ignore.
Too much togetherness as NeedHelp says.
What hobbies or interests do you have for yourself?
You love your father and you want him to be well. You don't want him to end up sun-dried and delirious. Anything about that make you a bad daughter?
There is a lot to say about managing conflict, treading the fine line between caring for someone and trying to control them, all that hi-falutin' stuff. Nuts to it.
Today:
Get a good, easy-to-read room thermometer (you can get some pretty stylish ones, they shouldn't be expensive) and place it where you and your father can both see it from where he usually sits.
If the temperature is rising, by all means turn on the a/c and the fan. But skip the next part - DON'T say anything to him about it. Waste of breath. If he turns it/them off, turn them back on again next time you notice the gauge rising. Still don't say anything, because it will still be a waste of breath.
Leave him with a pitcher he can manage easily, containing something you know he likes drinking - water is best, I agree, but if he likes sodas or fruit drinks or root beer then try those.
Snacks to leave to hand: diced melon, apple, mango - anything juicy that you know he enjoys, in a dish, with a teaspoon or pickle fork next to it. Olives, pickles, tapas, consult his known preferences and then let your imagination roam free.
Ice cream and even pie (its filling, anyway) do count towards his fluid intake. For your own peace of mind, keep a journal and include Nutrition and Fluids. You'll probably find that when you add it all up he's taking in more than you realise.
All in all, do these good things for him and then leave it there. Worst that can happen is irritation when you empty the pitcher down the sink and throw away the uneaten snacks. But you won't have boxed his ears (metaphorically speaking, of course) and he won't have had any occasion to glower at you.
What it boils down to: do and say those things that you DO want to happen. Don't say (to him, at least) what he's doing wrong.
I guess we now know how our parents felt when we were younger and they had to keep telling us the same thing over and over.
My advise - pick your battles and let the small stuff slide - and know depending on his age most of it should now be small stuff. I don't believe I read how old your father is - mine was in his late 80s. If it has to do with safety - by all means pursue it - but take a deep breath and say it kindly over and over and over again. If it's pie and ice cream for dinner - let it go - a good diet at this point is to what effect (now if he's in his 60s or early 70s - then maybe a better diet should be a concern)?
I imagine not many of us have escaped being short, frustrated or even angry at our parents while we try to keep them safe and protect them from themselves. Don't hang onto the guilt; give yourself a break and some grace and try to do better the next time. Remember to breathe and relax.
Elderly people have an uncanny ability to really get on the nerves of even the most patient people because the "stubbornness" and often downright asinine nonsense gets to anyone at some point.
The only way to continue coping with it day to day to maintain your own sanity is to just ignore them sometimes.
Does your father live with you or by himself? If he lives in your house then the air conditioners and fans stay on. If he's cold he can put on a sweater. If he's in his own place and he likes it sweltering hot, then accept it. If he gets too hot, he'll put his AC on.
If he doesn't want to drink water or eat right, then you can't force him too. Ignore some of it, and whatever you do NEVER engage a senior about anything political or something you saw on the news. That's just asking for trouble.
My mom couldn’t hear very well. I got so tired of screaming and repeating that I used to write things down in very large print for her to read because not only does the hearing go, so does their eyesight!
My mom had a hard time hearing even when her hearing aid was turned up all of the way. She only qualified for one hearing aid. One ear couldn’t be helped with a hearing aid.
Yes, it's normal for your parents( hell anybody) to get on your nerves. Especially when they are elderly though. Maybe hold up on the advice (which he considers nagging) for a while and see what happens. Don't play his game.
A catastrophic bush fire (wildfire) years ago here killed many. Was reported the city morgues were already full due to the 12 day heatwave that precluded it.
🙏
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-to-avoid-dominance-battles-with-the-elderly-468396.htm
I'm sure that op shares your frustration.
My thermostat can be set for the heat/ac to go up and down at certain times of the day. For heat, it goes lower while we sleep and goes back up when we wake up. A/C I have set for one temp but can be adjusted too.
Many people feel obligated to care for their aging parents, however, it can cause emotional and physical strife that is very hard to recover from. The only thing you need to do is make sure that he has a roof over his head, keep him as safe as possible, and if for some reason this becomes too much for you, seek out an elder care facility/home which is better equipped to care for his mental decline. It won't be an easy decision, however, your mental and physical wellbeing will be better addressed. I don't know if your dad is on medications, but is he taking them? My dad was faking he was taking them and did it very well. I finally had to get it to him via any means possible until I decided I could no longer keep up with the continual care. Best wishes. See link for the thermostat locking cover. https://www.lowes.com/pd/Honeywell-6-5-in-x-7-25-in-Plastic-Lockable-Rectangle-Thermostat-Cover/1260737?cm_mmc=shp-_-c-_-prd-_-plb-_-google-_-lia-_-171-_-thermostats-_-1260737-_-0&placeholder=null&ds_rl=1286981&gclid=Cj0KCQjw24qHBhCnARIsAPbdtlIq8C2V6nqTzRdMluRL-m1h66ZLyGfiI19gkmjR-XH2u-lpxz9SgqgaAqFcEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
His ability to taste and enjoy food is deteriorating with a taste for sweets being the strongest taste left. It is very common for older people to gravitate to sweets and not care much about anything else.
There is no point in arguing with him or trying to persuade him to keep the cooling on and to eat a more balanced diet. Is your father living with you or you with him? Just do your own best to keep the cooling on and to provide proper nutrition. Try to make healthy foods tasty and fun so he will eat at least some of them before he gets "dessert. "
Don't do much talking (reminding, arguing, nagging) about how things should be. Just do them yourself and realize you will have to re-do the same things over and over. Does he need supervision for the activities you are inclined to warn him to be careful about? If he is capable and cognitively intact, let him do those things just like he has done them all hos life without your input. If there are activities he should not do alone, go with him or arrange for help.
Consider what conditions need to be met for your parent's health - environment, nutrition and fluids. rest, hygiene... Focus most of your energy on those.
Consider what behaviors he does that are counterproductive and how to mitigate them without resorting to nagging/scolding. Maybe diverting his attention to other activities would help. Maybe "hiding" controls so he can't adjust them. Maybe move furniture to keep him from easily accessing controls.
Consider creating a routine that is sustainable. If you want him to eat his meals and not sweets, then don't offer sweets. If he is not eating a huge amount of "regular meals" consider making the portions smaller and supplement with dietary supplements - nutrition shakes and bars - between meals. Be creative; you can do this!
Also consider creating time periods daily and weekly where you are not responsible for his care. You need enough "time" to sleep 7-9 hours every day, eat 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, meet your health and hygiene needs, and to do things you enjoy with people you enjoy. Ask family, friends,membersof your faith community to help. Hire help if you must.
I read that you can't argue, make sense or reason with someone with dementia and it made me take a step back. There is no point of waisting time on it. I was the nag and still am to a degree when it comes to their health and safety. I just mostly wanted you to know that you are not alone here with your thoughts. You are a good daughter to care about your dad and what happens with him. All we can do is our best!!!!
When I had my realization of that very same thing, it was a light that turned on. My mom is a narcissist and we have had our "battles" over the years, more when she moved in with me about 4 years ago. Then over the last year and a half with all the memory issues, accelerating this year.... I liken the dementia brain to that of a spider web, that has broken strands, less connections.
Oh and I'm in Florida, too! Getting ready for my own little Hurricane Party later!
Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
Remember the serenity prayer:
Ask your God to grant you the serenity
to accept the things you cannot change,
the courage to change the things you can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
You have already changed the things you can.
I expect you already know what you cannot: you just described it above.
So, let the rest go. Accept that he is calling the shots.
And say hello to serenity.
You are allowed to do this.
My mom (96) and I went to dinner and a fireworks show last night, and in the 45 minutes we sat outside waiting for the fireworks to start, Mom asked me 18 times where her purse was. After the first 9 times, I looked her directly in her eyes, and said MOM, PLEASE REMEMBER I have your purse. She was good another 2-3 minutes and then ....it started again.
Yes, I lose my patience sometimes, too. But we just keep going on doing our best. And that's just the way it is.
As far as the AC, buy and install a plastic lock case that goes over the Thermastat. Have a soft thro close by so when your Dad's cold he can use it. The Best temp setting for old people is 76-78.
Put a clear plastic Thermastat Lock Cover over the ceiling fan switches too.
I don't have a ceiling fan right over my 97 yr old Dad because it drys his eyes out and actually I don't like sitting directly under my ceiling fan either.
Don't worry about the little stuff!
Your Dad at his age should be allowed to eat anything he wants.
He needs to live his last years out in peace.
Just Be Glad he is still eating and drinking.
If he wants to just eat pie then go buy the most nutritious pies out there and hopefully he'll drink milk with it for his protein.
If you stop bothering him you will both be much happier.
Only do something about the things that effect you directly, like the AC.
I know I'm a control freak (and proud of it.... all would be chaos without me LOL). I also know my Dad whom I care for (lives with me) can't remember crap and does AND SAYS the same stupid things over and over. Mostly he's a safety risk to himself as he can't remember that he can't get up and walk (he's in wheel chair) or go outside on his own, etc. I try to find things he CAN do safely but then he loses interest or can't remember how unless I sit with him to do and I don't have time to do that.
He says same things over and over which drives me nuts. I'm gradually learning to just say 'yeh, mmm, oh' and let it go but it still bugs me A LOT. He will keep talking to me even when I've left the room or when someone else is talking. When we are in the car he reads EVERY road sign (which has gotten us on the wrong road at times). Interestingly I recall my mom ignoring him when we were in the car so now I know why. ..and that this will not change so I am "working on" changing.
He, too, is always cold so I have lap blankets by his chair, set out long sleeved shirts for him and turn on the fan for me. Fortunately the thermostat is in my bedroom so he does not have access. I like the idea of a lock on it though (or move location).
He eats good (more than I eat) but also a sweet tooth. I don't feel it is ok to just eat sweets as it affects health and causes more problems (like diabetes). His doc helped when I mentioned it to her. She wrote him an actual prescription saying he could have 2 cookies or one brownie or one piece of cake/pie daily (but no more). So when he wanted more I just show him the rx and she's the 'bad guy' (& he adores her).
He does get irritated (and literally growls) when I remind him to drink. It helps to put sf crystal light in his water as that makes it sweet.
I do let him do as much as he can for himself even though it takes FOREVER. AND it is frustrating when my sister visits as she does everything for him and treats him like a child which he enjoys, of course; but that does not help him. I try to politely verbalize this; but I have a HUGE issue with my tone of voice reflecting my feelings (which are usually negative).
I am sad (and frustrated) that I see a different side of Dad that others don't see. My childish impressions of him are replaced by reality. A lot I can see have always been there but not obvious to me as a daughter vs caregiver and him living with me. SO I just want to say, "STAY ENCOURAGED". Do what you can but leave the rest.
At one point when his iron was low, I was a relentless nag about eating high iron foods. He was exhausted and didn't want to eat anything. A few days later, it became clear that he had major digestive issues, and was right to refuse food, high iron or otherwise. I felt so bad for all that cajoling! When I apologized for being a nag, he just smiled at me and said "oh, you're not a nag". I think under all that stubbornness he knew I was doing it out of love.
Also recognize that his body has changed. His internal thermostat doesn’t mirror yours- especially if he has circulation problems. You don’t want him to be unsafe - but remember that you also want him to be comfortable. Mom had circulation issues and wore sweaters during the summer to take off the chill, even when it was hot outside.
His taste buds have changed too. If he is happy, a piece of pie is fine. Someday when I’m there, I’ll want the pie over the meatloaf myself.
Someday you’ll want to remember how you made him happy - not how you “corrected” his behavior.
Dont forget to give him a hug and share some laughs. Getting old is hard.
You’ll both be happier.