I feel horrible for being an old nag to my parent, and I've become impatient at times. I'm feeling so guilty. Advice?
I find myself overly repeating myself to my parent, and drinking water stays hydrated, stopping turning the air conditioner off and the fans. We have severe hot weather. It is so hot in the house. I turn the fans and air conditioner back on and tell him to leave them on. I keep repeating he could end up in the hospital from heatstroke or exhaustion. He gives me a look. He barely eats dinner but will eat two big slices of pie or Ice cream. He always has a smart comment when I say something about the news or politics etc.. he never tells me he loves me back when I tell him I love him. I feel horrible as I tend to nag too much with many worries, constantly reminding him to be careful of almost every situation. I feel like I'm not good enough because I lose my patience by repeating and answering with a frustrated tone of voice. He can be so stubborn and stares back at me, gunning me off, or he can sulk at times. He has always been stubborn and an introvert. When he sulks, I feel so bad and go out of my way to make him feel better. Sometimes I think it is a game he is playing, trying to make me feel bad. I'm starting to think I'm a control freak, and I feel guilty and not good about myself. My husband says I baby him too much. Maybe I do. I hope someone can give me some good feedback. I seem to come here every time I am feeling guilty and frustrated and depressed, I guess. Is it normal for your parent to get on your nerves sometimes, and why do I feel so guilty.
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You love your father and you want him to be well. You don't want him to end up sun-dried and delirious. Anything about that make you a bad daughter?
There is a lot to say about managing conflict, treading the fine line between caring for someone and trying to control them, all that hi-falutin' stuff. Nuts to it.
Today:
Get a good, easy-to-read room thermometer (you can get some pretty stylish ones, they shouldn't be expensive) and place it where you and your father can both see it from where he usually sits.
If the temperature is rising, by all means turn on the a/c and the fan. But skip the next part - DON'T say anything to him about it. Waste of breath. If he turns it/them off, turn them back on again next time you notice the gauge rising. Still don't say anything, because it will still be a waste of breath.
Leave him with a pitcher he can manage easily, containing something you know he likes drinking - water is best, I agree, but if he likes sodas or fruit drinks or root beer then try those.
Snacks to leave to hand: diced melon, apple, mango - anything juicy that you know he enjoys, in a dish, with a teaspoon or pickle fork next to it. Olives, pickles, tapas, consult his known preferences and then let your imagination roam free.
Ice cream and even pie (its filling, anyway) do count towards his fluid intake. For your own peace of mind, keep a journal and include Nutrition and Fluids. You'll probably find that when you add it all up he's taking in more than you realise.
All in all, do these good things for him and then leave it there. Worst that can happen is irritation when you empty the pitcher down the sink and throw away the uneaten snacks. But you won't have boxed his ears (metaphorically speaking, of course) and he won't have had any occasion to glower at you.
What it boils down to: do and say those things that you DO want to happen. Don't say (to him, at least) what he's doing wrong.
Elderly people have an uncanny ability to really get on the nerves of even the most patient people because the "stubbornness" and often downright asinine nonsense gets to anyone at some point.
The only way to continue coping with it day to day to maintain your own sanity is to just ignore them sometimes.
Does your father live with you or by himself? If he lives in your house then the air conditioners and fans stay on. If he's cold he can put on a sweater. If he's in his own place and he likes it sweltering hot, then accept it. If he gets too hot, he'll put his AC on.
If he doesn't want to drink water or eat right, then you can't force him too. Ignore some of it, and whatever you do NEVER engage a senior about anything political or something you saw on the news. That's just asking for trouble.
My mom couldn’t hear very well. I got so tired of screaming and repeating that I used to write things down in very large print for her to read because not only does the hearing go, so does their eyesight!
My mom had a hard time hearing even when her hearing aid was turned up all of the way. She only qualified for one hearing aid. One ear couldn’t be helped with a hearing aid.
I guess we now know how our parents felt when we were younger and they had to keep telling us the same thing over and over.
My advise - pick your battles and let the small stuff slide - and know depending on his age most of it should now be small stuff. I don't believe I read how old your father is - mine was in his late 80s. If it has to do with safety - by all means pursue it - but take a deep breath and say it kindly over and over and over again. If it's pie and ice cream for dinner - let it go - a good diet at this point is to what effect (now if he's in his 60s or early 70s - then maybe a better diet should be a concern)?
I imagine not many of us have escaped being short, frustrated or even angry at our parents while we try to keep them safe and protect them from themselves. Don't hang onto the guilt; give yourself a break and some grace and try to do better the next time. Remember to breathe and relax.
I can tell though, if is completely normal to work on each other’s nerves! It doesn’t matter how much we love someone, we can have differing opinions, different personalities and so on. We can simply be tired of being a caregiver. Do you have any help with your caregiving responsibilities?
Too much togetherness can cause our nerves to become frayed. Do you have time for yourself or time alone with your husband, family members and friends?
By the way, your husband is most likely correct in his observation of your behavior regarding your relationship with your dad. I know that my husband picked up on a lot of my behavior and would lovingly mention certain things to me. Sometimes, I agreed with him and recognized what he observed, other times, I couldn’t see anything. I was on autopilot, just going through the motions.
You know, if you sense that you are hovering a bit too much, try easing up a bit. I absolutely hate if someone hovers over me. There is a difference between being concerned and smothering someone. You don’t have a reason to feel guilty. I think you are sad that things are different than in the past and you are blaming yourself. No one is to blame, least of all you. You are your dad’s loving daughter and caregiver.
I wish you peace and joy as you navigate your way through this challenging time in your life.
Yes, it's normal for your parents( hell anybody) to get on your nerves. Especially when they are elderly though. Maybe hold up on the advice (which he considers nagging) for a while and see what happens. Don't play his game.
Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
Remember the serenity prayer:
Ask your God to grant you the serenity
to accept the things you cannot change,
the courage to change the things you can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
You have already changed the things you can.
I expect you already know what you cannot: you just described it above.
So, let the rest go. Accept that he is calling the shots.
And say hello to serenity.
You are allowed to do this.
Many people feel obligated to care for their aging parents, however, it can cause emotional and physical strife that is very hard to recover from. The only thing you need to do is make sure that he has a roof over his head, keep him as safe as possible, and if for some reason this becomes too much for you, seek out an elder care facility/home which is better equipped to care for his mental decline. It won't be an easy decision, however, your mental and physical wellbeing will be better addressed. I don't know if your dad is on medications, but is he taking them? My dad was faking he was taking them and did it very well. I finally had to get it to him via any means possible until I decided I could no longer keep up with the continual care. Best wishes. See link for the thermostat locking cover. https://www.lowes.com/pd/Honeywell-6-5-in-x-7-25-in-Plastic-Lockable-Rectangle-Thermostat-Cover/1260737?cm_mmc=shp-_-c-_-prd-_-plb-_-google-_-lia-_-171-_-thermostats-_-1260737-_-0&placeholder=null&ds_rl=1286981&gclid=Cj0KCQjw24qHBhCnARIsAPbdtlIq8C2V6nqTzRdMluRL-m1h66ZLyGfiI19gkmjR-XH2u-lpxz9SgqgaAqFcEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
My mom (96) and I went to dinner and a fireworks show last night, and in the 45 minutes we sat outside waiting for the fireworks to start, Mom asked me 18 times where her purse was. After the first 9 times, I looked her directly in her eyes, and said MOM, PLEASE REMEMBER I have your purse. She was good another 2-3 minutes and then ....it started again.
Yes, I lose my patience sometimes, too. But we just keep going on doing our best. And that's just the way it is.
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